Can I say no to my cousin who wants to "visit"?

[Fireflies]

Hi all,

Thank you to everyone on these forums in advance for listening and for the past help you have given. You truly are blessings!

Question Backstory:
1) This is the 2nd time this year my cousin has "invited herself" to the house I currently share with my parents.
2) Growing up, I thought I was close with this particular cousin of mine. But when I became on fire for Jesus -though she is a Christian- she dropped me like a hot potato. I couldn't figure out why for over a decade.
3.) More and more of our extended family really disliked her over the years, called her toxic, though I still held on to the belief she was the kid I grew up with.
In actuality: she's a massive gossip (everything you ever tell her becomes a story to the entire family), very shallow (constantly trash talks "fat people", puts herself up/tears others + you down), jealous (constantly tears down my sister because sis' wedding was stunning), vengeful (becomes filled with glee to tell me "bad news" about my life), more secretive about herself than M16, deceptive (makes everyone believe "her" version of the truth), highly self-centered and more.

Here's my delimma:
1) She asked me to be her bridesmaid in her upcoming wedding. I am the only one.
2) I've come to realize that for years, she actually hasn't liked me at all- it's just that she has no one else.
3) She really isn't visiting to "see me"- She is disguising her visit as a chance to ask one of my relatives a highly secretive question (she doesn't like her fiancee). That way, it doesn't get back to her side of the family. Yes, my cousin is secretive enough to come "visit" me instead of calling that person.
4) I panicked when she told me her dates for this week. Told her it was difficult for me, with everything going on but I guess she could come.
(She had literally spent the phone call bashing me, my sister and gleefully putting me "in my place" verbally to the point I really couldn't figure out what to say- I mean, she is a jerk but she's still family).
5) She's so fat people-phobic that she makes comments about it almost every breath she breathes. And with this pandemic, I've gained some weight. I can loose it by her wedding (if it happens) but I can't bear to weather a single second of that sick judgement anymore.
6) I always knew subconsciously that she didn't like me/pretended to like me/pretended a lot/was all those things I listed above. But, it wasn't until after her last "visit" that I faced reality head on.
7) Also, I don't want to call her out on any of her terrible behavior. She still wields enough gossip power to make our family believe that I would be the "bad guy". She started talking behind my back to the family over 10 years ago. She recently has upped the ante from her last "visit" and has been telling people I've "really changed", that I'm not like I used to be- simply b/c I told her that my last workplace was highly abusive and I will never work for those abusers again (those sick people also supported pedophiles).

I know as a Christian, we're called to love people as they are. I also know Jesus had/has healthy boundaries but loves unconditionally. I definitely fail in both of those areas, and need His guidance badly.

But she is a toxic person who I really don't want to touch with a 10ft pole right now. Just out of self-preservation!!!

But in earthly terms- Can I tell my cousin not to come after I wussed out and said she could? If so, how?

P.S. Thanks for reading my question!

 

[Basil the Great]

What a mess! We all know people like your cousin, though thank God they seem to be somewhat rare. I do not know what to say. Perhaps you can use the virus situation as a legitimate reason to back out, which might not hurt her feelings as much as telling her that you cannot stand her presence, etc.?

 

[agapelove]

Maybe judge your cousin a little less....

You seem to have some pretty awful things to say about her and although I don't know her personally, we all have planks in our own eyes that need to be taken care of.

Instead of trying to find an excuse why don't you see this as an opportunity to have an honest conversation with her? It sounds like you have a lot of good constructive criticism for her and it will help to hear it from you.

 

[Fireflies]

What a mess! We all know people like your cousin, though thank God they seem to be somewhat rare. I do not know what to say. Perhaps you can use the virus situation as a legitimate reason to back out, which might not hurt her feelings as much as telling her that you cannot stand her presence, etc.?

Lol! You're right, it's a mess. This feels like fractured ice where I'm supposed to tread.

You're right, I don't ever want to tell her I can't stand her presence.
Not sure how to use the lockdown to my advantage. Already partially used it to block her in the first place. Actually, she didn't care about any of my excuses (some of which, are actually difficult for me for take care of and I really don't need visitors right now.) But again, that's because her end goal isn't actually me, it's my relative.

 

[timothyu]

Perhaps if you told her the way you see her as a person, she could see you in the same way and change her mind, letting you off the hook.

 

[Fireflies]

Maybe judge your cousin a little less....

You seem to have some pretty awful things to say about her and although I don't know her personally, we all have planks in our own eyes that need to be taken care of.

Instead of trying to find an excuse why don't you see this as an opportunity to have an honest conversation with her? It sounds like you have a lot of good constructive criticism for her and it will help to hear it from you.

While you're right, I do have my own flaws that God is working in me, I am not normally a "judging" person. She has hurt me quite a lot over 10 years and I took it, both because I didn't want to face it and because I take abuse very well. Not something to be proud of.

But I also want to protect myself now from her. Not accept the abuse anymore. She's also not at a place to listen to anything I say. I haven't ever done anything to her! On this last phone call, where she stated she was coming to visit, she verbally "put my in my place". Then, she very gleefully told me how wrong I was about my life. I mean, the sheer joy she had while trying to hurt me..

 

[shineyourlight]

Hi all,

Thank you to everyone on these forums in advance for listening and for the past help you have given. You truly are blessings!

Question Backstory:
1) This is the 2nd time this year my cousin has "invited herself" to the house I currently share with my parents.
2) Growing up, I thought I was close with this particular cousin of mine. But when I became on fire for Jesus -though she is a Christian- she dropped me like a hot potato. I couldn't figure out why for over a decade.
3.) More and more of our extended family really disliked her over the years, called her toxic, though I still held on to the belief she was the kid I grew up with.
In actuality: she's a massive gossip (everything you ever tell her becomes a story to the entire family), very shallow (constantly trash talks "fat people", puts herself up/tears others + you down), jealous (constantly tears down my sister because sis' wedding was stunning), vengeful (becomes filled with glee to tell me "bad news" about my life), more secretive about herself than M16, deceptive (makes everyone believe "her" version of the truth), highly self-centered and more.

Here's my delimma:
1) She asked me to be her bridesmaid in her upcoming wedding. I am the only one.
2) I've come to realize that for years, she actually hasn't liked me at all- it's just that she has no one else.
3) She really isn't visiting to "see me"- She is disguising her visit as a chance to ask one of my relatives a highly secretive question (she doesn't like her fiancee). That way, it doesn't get back to her side of the family. Yes, my cousin is secretive enough to come "visit" me instead of calling that person.
4) I panicked when she told me her dates for this week. Told her it was difficult for me, with everything going on but I guess she could come.
(She had literally spent the phone call bashing me, my sister and gleefully putting me "in my place" verbally to the point I really couldn't figure out what to say- I mean, she is a jerk but she's still family).
5) She's so fat people-phobic that she makes comments about it almost every breath she breathes. And with this pandemic, I've gained some weight. I can loose it by her wedding (if it happens) but I can't bear to weather a single second of that sick judgement anymore.
6) I always knew subconsciously that she didn't like me/pretended to like me/pretended a lot/was all those things I listed above. But, it wasn't until after her last "visit" that I faced reality head on.
7) Also, I don't want to call her out on any of her terrible behavior. She still wields enough gossip power to make our family believe that I would be the "bad guy". She started talking behind my back to the family over 10 years ago. She recently has upped the ante from her last "visit" and has been telling people I've "really changed", that I'm not like I used to be- simply b/c I told her that my last workplace was highly abusive and I will never work for those abusers again (those sick people also supported pedophiles).

I know as a Christian, we're called to love people as they are. I also know Jesus had/has healthy boundaries but loves unconditionally. I definitely fail in both of those areas, and need His guidance badly.

But she is a toxic person who I really don't want to touch with a 10ft pole right now. Just out of self-preservation!!!

But in earthly terms- Can I tell my cousin not to come after I wussed out and said she could? If so, how?

P.S. Thanks for reading my question!

So, hi!

I feel like I have worked hard to be the person to communicate feelings and to be very open in how I am feeling. I think it is easier for me to keep people at arm's length and being quiet to sort out my own stuff.

But, then I realized....I need my support system. I need my friends, I need my family. I need those who are going to lift me up. Biblically speaking, we are even called to lift each other up. How can we allow the church, the family of God, to lift us up when we don't give them the opportunity to? Obviously, testing who is truly there for you is important and opening up to just anyone isn't good. Because there's going to be people who aren't for you.

Anyways, with that said, I think it IS important for you to talk to her. Not to call her out, but to tell her how I feel. "Thanks for inviting me to be your bridesmaid. But, I have to be honest, I was surprised. I always had the feeling that you didn't like me. It's kind of hard for me to say yes to this invitation when I haven't felt very loved or cared for. I think I need to say no, but I do appreciate that you thought of me during this time." Something among those lines. This way, it makes your boundary clear, it allows her to know why you're not choosing to do it. We are called to live in peace and to be compassionate towards others, but remember....living in peace does not mean always saying "yes" to things. YOu know your limitations, you know your boundaries, you gotta set them.

But, you also need to know what your boundaries are. Do you want to be in this wedding? And, why? If not, then why?

 

[agapelove]

Lol! You're right, it's a mess. This feels like fractured ice where I'm supposed to tread.

You're right, I don't ever want to tell her I can't stand her presence.
Not sure how to use the lockdown to my advantage. Already partially used it to block her in the first place. Actually, she didn't care about any of my excuses (some of which, are actually difficult for me for take care of and I really don't need visitors right now.) But again, that's because her end goal isn't actually me, it's my relative.

It is okay for you to leave relationships that are abusive and toxic. You seem to express your feelings very well but I think you are just expressing them to the wrong people.

I know it is hard to confront people but it seems like she is not someone who will disappear by way of silent treatment or excuses.

 

[Leet]

Tell her we're not really meant to have people dropping in willy nilly, there's a global pandemic happening.

 

[Strong in Him]

But I also want to protect myself now from her. Not accept the abuse anymore. She's also not at a place to listen to anything I say. I haven't ever done anything to her! On this last phone call, where she stated she was coming to visit, she verbally "put my in my place". Then, she very gleefully told me how wrong I was about my life. I mean, the sheer joy she had while trying to hurt me..

You have a right to protect yourself, and you have a right to decide who you want, or don't want, in your home.
Jesus told us to love our neighbour as ourselves, and love doesn't always mean saying "it's fine" and swallowing all the hurt that others dish out. He told the Pharisees some pretty strong home truths, instead of writing their words off and saying "they didn't mean it."
Also, you cousin claims to be a Christian. What kind of example is she setting? Are people seeing Jesus when they look at her?

It is a lot easier said than done.
The problem is that if you use the virus, or your diary, as an excuse this time, she may come back another time. Whereas if you could call her on her behaviour and the fact that she asked you to be a bridesmaid because no one else is interested, she might just look at herself.

Bottom line is she doesn't seem to like you, has criticised your life and life choices, apparently taking pleasure in doing so, MAY be critical of the fact that you have gained a little weight - and yet has invited herself to stay with you and seems to expect you will welcome her with open arms.
It may be that she is very unhappy and insecure and there are reasons she is behaving like this. But unless she has a wake up call, or someone who calls her on her behaviour, she'll keep on repeating it.

Yes, you could be the one who will help her and set her a great example. She may learn from your behaviour and Christian witness - but she may not.
Do you feel strong enough to deal with her? Have you prayed about this?

 

[Amittai]

Can you piggy back on what tacit support your close family have for your insight into her, and tactfully ask them to pray for God's discernment (not necessarily theirs) (in such a way as to imply you are in charge of your life and not them and not her). What do they themselves think about your stance vis a vis your old employers?

 

[tturt]

If you give her a reason, it wont meet with her approval. Just politely, softly and firmly say you spoke too hastily and it isnt possible for her to come.

You can love her and not agree to what she wants.

 

[A_Thinker]

Hi all,

Thank you to everyone on these forums in advance for listening and for the past help you have given. You truly are blessings!

Question Backstory:
1) This is the 2nd time this year my cousin has "invited herself" to the house I currently share with my parents.
2) Growing up, I thought I was close with this particular cousin of mine. But when I became on fire for Jesus -though she is a Christian- she dropped me like a hot potato. I couldn't figure out why for over a decade.
3.) More and more of our extended family really disliked her over the years, called her toxic, though I still held on to the belief she was the kid I grew up with.
In actuality: she's a massive gossip (everything you ever tell her becomes a story to the entire family), very shallow (constantly trash talks "fat people", puts herself up/tears others + you down), jealous (constantly tears down my sister because sis' wedding was stunning), vengeful (becomes filled with glee to tell me "bad news" about my life), more secretive about herself than M16, deceptive (makes everyone believe "her" version of the truth), highly self-centered and more.

Here's my delimma:
1) She asked me to be her bridesmaid in her upcoming wedding. I am the only one.
2) I've come to realize that for years, she actually hasn't liked me at all- it's just that she has no one else.
3) She really isn't visiting to "see me"- She is disguising her visit as a chance to ask one of my relatives a highly secretive question (she doesn't like her fiancee). That way, it doesn't get back to her side of the family. Yes, my cousin is secretive enough to come "visit" me instead of calling that person.
4) I panicked when she told me her dates for this week. Told her it was difficult for me, with everything going on but I guess she could come.
(She had literally spent the phone call bashing me, my sister and gleefully putting me "in my place" verbally to the point I really couldn't figure out what to say- I mean, she is a jerk but she's still family).
5) She's so fat people-phobic that she makes comments about it almost every breath she breathes. And with this pandemic, I've gained some weight. I can loose it by her wedding (if it happens) but I can't bear to weather a single second of that sick judgement anymore.
6) I always knew subconsciously that she didn't like me/pretended to like me/pretended a lot/was all those things I listed above. But, it wasn't until after her last "visit" that I faced reality head on.
7) Also, I don't want to call her out on any of her terrible behavior. She still wields enough gossip power to make our family believe that I would be the "bad guy". She started talking behind my back to the family over 10 years ago. She recently has upped the ante from her last "visit" and has been telling people I've "really changed", that I'm not like I used to be- simply b/c I told her that my last workplace was highly abusive and I will never work for those abusers again (those sick people also supported pedophiles).

I know as a Christian, we're called to love people as they are. I also know Jesus had/has healthy boundaries but loves unconditionally. I definitely fail in both of those areas, and need His guidance badly.

But she is a toxic person who I really don't want to touch with a 10ft pole right now. Just out of self-preservation!!!

But in earthly terms- Can I tell my cousin not to come after I wussed out and said she could? If so, how?

P.S. Thanks for reading my question!

Use COVID as a reason to disavow the invite.

Say ... "Upon consideration of the current situation ... and the need for us all to shelter in place, ... this is not a good time for a visit."

(This is, actually, the most correct answer at this time ... as it shields your household's health, including that of your parents)

And something I learned in my job's Assertiveness training ... when she argues against this, ... JUST KEEPING SAYING THE SAME THING. She'll eventually give up ...

 

[Bee_Brian]

Hi all,

Thank you to everyone on these forums in advance for listening and for the past help you have given. You truly are blessings!

Question Backstory:
1) This is the 2nd time this year my cousin has "invited herself" to the house I currently share with my parents.
2) Growing up, I thought I was close with this particular cousin of mine. But when I became on fire for Jesus -though she is a Christian- she dropped me like a hot potato. I couldn't figure out why for over a decade.
3.) More and more of our extended family really disliked her over the years, called her toxic, though I still held on to the belief she was the kid I grew up with.
In actuality: she's a massive gossip (everything you ever tell her becomes a story to the entire family), very shallow (constantly trash talks "fat people", puts herself up/tears others + you down), jealous (constantly tears down my sister because sis' wedding was stunning), vengeful (becomes filled with glee to tell me "bad news" about my life), more secretive about herself than M16, deceptive (makes everyone believe "her" version of the truth), highly self-centered and more.

Here's my delimma:
1) She asked me to be her bridesmaid in her upcoming wedding. I am the only one.
2) I've come to realize that for years, she actually hasn't liked me at all- it's just that she has no one else.
3) She really isn't visiting to "see me"- She is disguising her visit as a chance to ask one of my relatives a highly secretive question (she doesn't like her fiancee). That way, it doesn't get back to her side of the family. Yes, my cousin is secretive enough to come "visit" me instead of calling that person.
4) I panicked when she told me her dates for this week. Told her it was difficult for me, with everything going on but I guess she could come.
(She had literally spent the phone call bashing me, my sister and gleefully putting me "in my place" verbally to the point I really couldn't figure out what to say- I mean, she is a jerk but she's still family).
5) She's so fat people-phobic that she makes comments about it almost every breath she breathes. And with this pandemic, I've gained some weight. I can loose it by her wedding (if it happens) but I can't bear to weather a single second of that sick judgement anymore.
6) I always knew subconsciously that she didn't like me/pretended to like me/pretended a lot/was all those things I listed above. But, it wasn't until after her last "visit" that I faced reality head on.
7) Also, I don't want to call her out on any of her terrible behavior. She still wields enough gossip power to make our family believe that I would be the "bad guy". She started talking behind my back to the family over 10 years ago. She recently has upped the ante from her last "visit" and has been telling people I've "really changed", that I'm not like I used to be- simply b/c I told her that my last workplace was highly abusive and I will never work for those abusers again (those sick people also supported pedophiles).

I know as a Christian, we're called to love people as they are. I also know Jesus had/has healthy boundaries but loves unconditionally. I definitely fail in both of those areas, and need His guidance badly.

But she is a toxic person who I really don't want to touch with a 10ft pole right now. Just out of self-preservation!!!

But in earthly terms- Can I tell my cousin not to come after I wussed out and said she could? If so, how?

P.S. Thanks for reading my question!

My question to you is what's preventing you from telling her off?

I mean Jesus Himself made a scene when He saw that His father's temple was being used as a hangout spot by the moneylenders.

There is nothing wrong for a Christian to express anger.