Can I really call this rape?

[Grasshopper2000]

When I was about 16 I was going out with someone whose older brother kept bragging to him about having sex with his girlfriend. One afternoon we were at his house on our own and he kept asking me to have sex I didn't want sex at all I didn't feel ready and didn't think that we should be. Anyway, I kept saying no and he kept asking, in the end he said to me 'I love you and I thought you love me' I had never been told by anyone before that they loved me, so I'm not sure that I said yes, but I certainly didn't say no. Anyway, he was really rough and it was really painful and I was really scared. I wanted him to stop and I kept saying no, but he just carried on. I was hyperventilating really badly and I had tears running down my face. I was trying to push him off me for what seemed like ages but he was just carrying on. It was obvious he didn't care about me at all. Once he finished he went straight away to brag to his brother who had just come home, while I was left in his room laying on the bed absolutely shocked. When I tried to get up I wasn't able to as I was passing out because I had been hyperventilating so badly.

According to the legal definition of rape, this is rape as you can withdraw consent at any point, but it just doesn't seem right to call it rape as I don't think I said no at the beginning. Can I call this rape?

 

[Dionysiou]

what a !@#$, that is rape and nobody deserves that kind of treatment

 

[JESUS<3sYOU]

Yes. That was fifteen years ago, right? I hope that you are okay.

 

[bliz]

That was rape.

Obviously this is still troubling you. Have you talked about this with a counselor?

 

[Destiny2009]

Yes. That was fifteen years ago, right? I hope that you are okay.

I agree with you

 

[Grasshopper2000]

Thank you everyone. Yes it was about 15 years ago. I have just started to see a counsellor about being abused as a child and I know that I also need to talk about this. It is causing me a big problem in my marriage.

 

[Johnnz]

It will. And maybe things will get a bit worse before they track upwards. Hang in there and hopefully you will get the assistance you need to begin afresh.

John
NZ

 

[Grasshopper2000]

How on earth do I tell my husband that because of what happened I have always been scarred of sex?

I feel so bad telling him that. I told him about this incident a couple of weeks ago, but I don't think he realised that I was also trying to tell him that it is why we haven't had sex now for 3 years (since our last daughter was born). When we first got married having sex really scared me, I didn't think that it was due to what happened with my previous boyfriend. I just thought that I would get used to having sex and the problem would disappear - only I think because I made myself have sex although I was so scarred it has just made my fear even worse.

I need to tell my husband this so we can work through it together, but I feel so bad telling him and I worry that it is going to really upset him that I have never told him before and the fact that I have always been so scared of having sex. How on earth do I tell him this?

 

[bliz]

Tell him. It will be much better for him to know your problems with sex are not bcause of him or smething he did. You may want to bring him to a counseling session and tell him there. He will probably wish that you would have told hm earlier in your relationship, but he will be glad to know and know before you're 60!

Saying the words outloud and having the subject out in the open will make it much more managable and make you feel so much better. I know this is hard to do and that you are afraid. Together with your counselor you may want to write out what you need to say. Possibly, you may decide to write it all out in letter so that you can tell him as much as you can and then let the letter take over.

Hang in there - God loves you!