Can anyone relate?

[fireaboss]

My Christianity is making me miserable. I have battled bi-polar disorder for as long as I can remember -- I am 53. I have always believed that somehow all this depression is my fault -- I'm not positive enough -- I don't try hard enough -- I don't read my Bible enough. Truth is I DON'T read my Bible -- it's too hard and condemning to me. Church is excruciating -- I hear all the positive stuff about Christianity -- how we should have joy -- the fruits of the spirit -- positive attitude -- discipline -- SPIRITUAL DISCIPLINES. I sob through worship -- begging God for deliverance. I have told God I WILL DO ANYTHING if I just don't have to force myself to do it. I wish I was dead all the time. I daily beat myself up for all the things I don't -- CAN'T do. I am just tired of trying. I will never give up my faith -- but it isn't a joyful one. It's full of condemnation, fear, guilt, shame. I have cried out to God FOR YEARS for healing. Meds help off and on. I don't want to sound like a whiner -- truly I just don't know what to do. I am alone -- isolated -- afriad -- lonely -- weary. I believe God has given up on me because I never get any better. That leads me to believe even more that this is all my fault. I'm not really "sick". I have a spiritual sickness. Maybe I am possessed. Maybe I'm incapable of a relationship with God. I can't even recommend Him because of my misery. I've lost my marriage, jobs. One positive note -- I have raised 5 incredible children -- all are upstanding healthy functioning adults. I spent EVERY OUNCE of my energy trying to ACT normal for them, and it paid off. But I can't act anymore. I'm growing weary. Am I alone in this? How do I accept that I am sick when everything in this illness is contrary to Christian thought -- how can we grasp all God has for us when our minds can't even think straight -- and don't want to any more. I'm afraid sometimes that I'm not sick -- and that I am just a loser who hasn't totally embrace my Christianity -- I've done something wrong there. I just believe that life shouldn't be this hard. I know life is hard -- but just doing the normal taks of the day overwhelm me -- I don't do anything -- I'm tired of FORCING myself. NOTHING comes easy -- nothing is enjoyable. Any insight. Can anyone relate or am I truly a crazy, self-absorbed, lazy, self-pitying loser?

 

[Laurel Crowned]

Fireaboss,

No, you are not alone. Other than the marriage and the kids I have said EVERYTHING that you have said. I have gone through EVERYTHING you have written. I'm not going to patronize you and tell you not to feel that way... or to read your bible more... or to pray "harder." Telling you that I will pray for you will be shallow comfort because you want change and you wanted it yesterday.

The only thing I can even think of telling you is to read my journal. It's called The Adventures of Bipolar Girl. Start from the beginning and you will see that you are not alone. You will see that there is hope. When I started it I didn't have any hope. I had faith... but faith didn't seem to be getting me anywhere. My journal is long. VERY. But I think if you read it you will find a measure of peace. I know that I have found peace in writing it. I also encourage you to start your own journal... having a place to get my thoughts out of my head and into the air where other people could pray has made all the difference.

Joy and peace to you,
Laurel Crowned

Also, if you want to PM me my mailbox is open.

 

[zyklzy]

Fireaboss,
I too can totally relate (well, 99% - I still have my wife) to your story. It sounds like what I too would have written had my head not been so scrambled by years on drugs (both licit and illicit) and able to articulate my thoughts more clearly. I don't know why God allows us to go through this ordeal when so many around us (appear) to be enjoying blessings from God. I too often feel condemnation for what I am (but remember Romans 8:1!). Even my own mother believes I have this condition as a result of all the drugs I did in my youth (I was heavily into speed and LSD) - maybe she's right. Perhaps it is self-inflicted to some degree but I know of many individuals who are Bipolar without a drug history like mine. Whatever the reason, I do believe once this life is over and we look back at it from God's perspective we will understand why we had to go through what we went through.

 

[I'ddie4him]

My Christianity is making me miserable. I have battled bi-polar disorder for as long as I can remember -- I am 53. I have always believed that somehow all this depression is my fault -- I'm not positive enough -- I don't try hard enough -- I don't read my Bible enough. Truth is I DON'T read my Bible -- it's too hard and condemning to me. Church is excruciating -- I hear all the positive stuff about Christianity -- how we should have joy -- the fruits of the spirit -- positive attitude -- discipline -- SPIRITUAL DISCIPLINES. I sob through worship -- begging God for deliverance. I have told God I WILL DO ANYTHING if I just don't have to force myself to do it. I wish I was dead all the time. I daily beat myself up for all the things I don't -- CAN'T do. I am just tired of trying. I will never give up my faith -- but it isn't a joyful one. It's full of condemnation, fear, guilt, shame. I have cried out to God FOR YEARS for healing. Meds help off and on. I don't want to sound like a whiner -- truly I just don't know what to do. I am alone -- isolated -- afriad -- lonely -- weary. I believe God has given up on me because I never get any better. That leads me to believe even more that this is all my fault. I'm not really "sick". I have a spiritual sickness. Maybe I am possessed. Maybe I'm incapable of a relationship with God. I can't even recommend Him because of my misery. I've lost my marriage, jobs. One positive note -- I have raised 5 incredible children -- all are upstanding healthy functioning adults. I spent EVERY OUNCE of my energy trying to ACT normal for them, and it paid off. But I can't act anymore. I'm growing weary. Am I alone in this? How do I accept that I am sick when everything in this illness is contrary to Christian thought -- how can we grasp all God has for us when our minds can't even think straight -- and don't want to any more. I'm afraid sometimes that I'm not sick -- and that I am just a loser who hasn't totally embrace my Christianity -- I've done something wrong there. I just believe that life shouldn't be this hard. I know life is hard -- but just doing the normal taks of the day overwhelm me -- I don't do anything -- I'm tired of FORCING myself. NOTHING comes easy -- nothing is enjoyable. Any insight. Can anyone relate or am I truly a crazy, self-absorbed, lazy, self-pitying loser?

How can I say this without sounding wrong ??

BIPOLAR IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
It is a chemical imbalance that causes it.
I too lost a wife over Bipolar and I can totally relate to what you have been thru. I have 2 children that I am concerned about as they get older. I am hoping that they don't end up with Bipolar. I suffered from the time I was a young child, about 5 or 6 when it started, and have been dealing since. I didn't get on meds til I was 30. I thank God everyday for Lithium. It has been the only thing that has lept me sane for the last 11 years. If you need to chat, I am around. Drop me a pm also.

 

[RThibeault]

I won't lie to you saying I truly empathize with you. In fact I am not Bipolar, but as a mental health counselor I work with a lot of people who are. There are many causes for Bipolar disorder and many times it is a combination of things, Chemical Imbalance is just one aspect.

While it is good to take medication if it is needed. Research has shown that the best treatment involves changing thinking habits, finding a good support system (especially one that does not negate your problems), and developing good coping strategies to deal with problems. One of the greatest hinderances I find in dealing with many mental health problems is either a lack of spirituality or guilt caused by not following a pharisaical religious regimen.

Don't get me wrong. You should pray daily, read scripture daily, memorize, evangelize, fellowship, attend church regularly, as well as many other daily disciplines. BUT these are for your benefit. You need to remember that God still loves you even if you do not do these things. You need to understand God still loves you, even if you do not feel loved by God. You need to know that Christ died on the cross for you. You need to come to a true understanding of who you are in Christ and look at yourself as Christ sees you. Too often we are looking through glasses coated with the grime of sin and not through those crystal clear glasses Christ looks through to see us.

 

[darketernal]

Happyness is achieved by giving love to others. Do volenteer work, help others. Make yourself feeling worthwhile and you can be happy too

 

[Genes!s]

I often think mine was brought on by past drug use, and other events in my teenage years. Other times though, I wonder if it's punishment for things I've done to other people, and to God. I wonder if I am worshiping in vain, if when the church is called to Heaven, I will be left here because I haven't done something right or I'm somehow defective. It sounds dumb, logically, but in my mind, it makes sense. I can completely (other than the spouse and 5 kids comment, though I think I'm driving my husband away) relate to all of you. I am technically still young, but have dealt with this aweful disease for years myself. I just don't feel Him around me, I don't feel loved, and it's mentally and emotionally painful to hold my faith. I feel alive in church and like I'm a different person almost, but when I'm at home and every other day, I feel nothing but pain and struggles.

 

[ShilohCity]

My wife has been suffering from bipolar disorder for several years. It has been difficult on both of us, (though i'm sure it's harder for her than for me) and I've seen the same things that you're talking about. There is one thing i have learned that is very important.

God loves you just the way you are!
This is a very hard thing to come to terms with, but it's true. Just because you do not measure up to someone else's standards, even fellow a christian's or a church's, does not mean that Jesus dosen't love you or that He thinks less of you. Psalm 139:14 says "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Don't try to fake anything. Be who you are, even if that is different from other people's expectations. I've noticed that when my wife tries to force herself to do something that she really can't do, it just makes her feel even worse.

My best advise is to seek out those who are supportive of you and do not condem you or make you feel bad. Surround yourself with these people. Try to weed out the negative people in your life, even if that includes a church. I believe that it is better to not go to church at all than to go and feel like God doesn't love you.

Most people don't realize how hard it is to live with bipolar disorder, and I know that just makes it worse. But please, hang in there and remember you are very precious to God.

 

[Laurel Crowned]

I often think mine was brought on by past drug use, and other events in my teenage years. Other times though, I wonder if it's punishment for things I've done to other people, and to God. I wonder if I am worshiping in vain, if when the church is called to Heaven, I will be left here because I haven't done something right or I'm somehow defective. It sounds dumb, logically, but in my mind, it makes sense. I can completely (other than the spouse and 5 kids comment, though I think I'm driving my husband away) relate to all of you. I am technically still young, but have dealt with this aweful disease for years myself. I just don't feel Him around me, I don't feel loved, and it's mentally and emotionally painful to hold my faith. I feel alive in church and like I'm a different person almost, but when I'm at home and every other day, I feel nothing but pain and struggles.

Genes!s,

I think what you are feeling is very common to people who struggle with depression and bipolar disorder. I have felt the exact same things that you mentioned. The only thing is, before coming to CF, I felt like I was the lone freak of nature who felt that way. When I started interacting with other Christians struggling with depression... I started to see that I wasn't alone. Knowing that has helped me.

Bipolar does have a way of robbing you of a lot of the joy and a lot of your youth. I feel WAY older than my 36 years sometime. I keep feeling like I've missed out on a lot of living because my disorder kept me so focused on dying. I will pray for you. Each Sunday when I'm in church, I will pray for you. So I won't forget I'll put a note in my bible: Genes!s- The new beginning. May 2005 see much change for the good in all aspects of your life.

Peace be with you,
Laurel Crowned

 

[fireaboss]

Thank you Shiloh City -- your message was timely. It has been such a gift to be in here with others who DO understand. Your wife is very lucky to have such a loving and caring husband. I will pray for you.

Genes!s. You too are in my prayers. If you hang around here, you will be mightily encouraged to find that you are not alone and that your thoughts are common to people who suffer with depression and bi-polar. Even though it is not easy to believe God loves us in our brains -- we HAVE to believe what is true -- that he loves us inspite of our sometimes sick emotions. May you be encouraged and feel loved anew in this new year!

 

[LostnFound]

Our proof that our Father loves us and cares about our welfare... We are still here!!!!