Can anyone help me?

AngieB · Jul 29, 2005

My best friends' husband passed away on June 3. He lost his battle to lung cancer. Throughout the entire year, I was there for her. She told me time and time again how she just couldn't have made it without me. On Memorial Day he was going for a treatment, but instead he was admitted to the hospital. He passed away that Friday. I was at the hospital most of the time and even stayed there a couple of nights for support. After his death, she told me she was going to need me now more than ever. Almost 2 weeks after he passed away, she said she needed space. She is now lashing out at me for no apparent reason. She says I had an agenda when we became friends last year. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. This is the end of our knowing each other. She has erased this part of her life. Help me please. Why would she be treating me this way. And I feel deep down inside that she really doesn't hate me, that she isn't even angry at me. How do I deal with this??

in2Nas · Jul 29, 2005

AngieB said:
My best friends' husband passed away on June 3. He lost his battle to lung cancer. Throughout the entire year, I was there for her. She told me time and time again how she just couldn't have made it without me. On Memorial Day he was going for a treatment, but instead he was admitted to the hospital. He passed away that Friday. I was at the hospital most of the time and even stayed there a couple of nights for support. After his death, she told me she was going to need me now more than ever. Almost 2 weeks after he passed away, she said she needed space. She is now lashing out at me for no apparent reason. She says I had an agenda when we became friends last year. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. This is the end of our knowing each other. She has erased this part of her life. Help me please. Why would she be treating me this way. And I feel deep down inside that she really doesn't hate me, that she isn't even angry at me. How do I deal with this??

You need to put yourself in her situation, which is suffering from loss. Everybody handles loss differently, some are serene about it while others feel anger and blame life. The most important thing is that YOU know that she doesn't really hate you. This death is still relatively new, and may take more time for her to heal. If she wants space - give it to her, if she needs you - be there for her. If you still feel adamant about being in her life, write her a letter and tell her how you feel. Also, avoid talking abou your life, more importantly the recent successes in your life. Hopefully she will realize over time that you are not to blame and return.

Anti Existance · Jul 30, 2005

Just leave her alone and give her the space she needs. People can become shallow and react rotten when a loved one dies, this because they have so so so much stress that they cannot express or do not know how to deal with. Just love her and be there for her when she needs you. She probably is going to say sorry (not 100% sure tho) and if she does this ,forgive her. They say a cat in the narrow makes strange jumps, when someone dies something simular can happen, she probably is at war with herself at the moment. She wants someone to blame and to express her anger and frustration for whatever is happening to her. Don't worry however, just give it time.

AimN · Aug 1, 2005

Angie,
You did what a friend is suppose to do. You were there for her in a time of need and she will realize it--I'm sure--in time. Give her the space that she needs right now. There is no one thing that you can do to get her to snap out of the depression that she is probably in right now. The best thing that you can do for her is PRAY for her. God will take care of the rest. You can also let her know --by letter, e-mail, phone call or whatever, that you care about her and that you will stand by her wishes and give her space, but also that you are always there if she needs someone to talk to. Give it some time and hopefully you will be able to resume your friendship soon!

AngieB · Aug 3, 2005

I've given her the space she has requested. I know she is forever changed. It's difficult when you know other people in the office are talking to her, but you can't. She has asked about me on several different occassions. That tells me that she does still care. I'm going to continue praying for her. That's about all I can do right now.

luv4godremains · Aug 3, 2005

I'll be praying for ya! I hope things get better soon, when people die, especially someone you're soo close to, it's only natural to need space, especially from those closest to you, even if you're ok and able to talk to toher people!

AimN · Aug 3, 2005

I can tell that this is difficult for you and I pray that it does get easier! If she is asking about you ,then yes, I would agree that she still does care. I will continue to pray for you and her both!
Question--is she a Christian?
Take Care,
Aimee

AngieB · Aug 3, 2005

Yes, she is a Christian. I think she fell by the wayside for a while, but yes, she is a Christian. I continue to pray for her. I received some interesting news concerning her today. It gives me more and more hope things are truly going to work out. God is working on this. I can feel it.

AimN · Aug 3, 2005

I am really glad to hear that things are looking up for you. It is truely amazing what the power of prayer does , keep it up! (and please keep me informed)
Aimee

Babymine · Aug 13, 2005

She's probably hurting so much, that the thought of being close to someone is inconceivable. Like if she got so close to you, will you get sick and die too? She probably doesnt think she could handle the kind of pain she is feeling now, ever again. It's strange, but it does happen.

Mashley · Aug 22, 2005

AngieB said:
My best friends' husband passed away on June 3. He lost his battle to lung cancer. Throughout the entire year, I was there for her. She told me time and time again how she just couldn't have made it without me. On Memorial Day he was going for a treatment, but instead he was admitted to the hospital. He passed away that Friday. I was at the hospital most of the time and even stayed there a couple of nights for support. After his death, she told me she was going to need me now more than ever. Almost 2 weeks after he passed away, she said she needed space. She is now lashing out at me for no apparent reason. She says I had an agenda when we became friends last year. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. This is the end of our knowing each other. She has erased this part of her life. Help me please. Why would she be treating me this way. And I feel deep down inside that she really doesn't hate me, that she isn't even angry at me. How do I deal with this??

I don't think that she really hates you. She is probably having a hard time dealing with her husband's death. I'm not quite sure why the feelings would be directed towards you. It might be because you are the closest person to her and somehow being with you reminds her of the pain. She remembers how you were there for her, but that also brings back the memories of her husband's death.

AngieB · Aug 22, 2005

Mashley said:
I don't think that she really hates you. She is probably having a hard time dealing with her husband's death. I'm not quite sure why the feelings would be directed towards you. It might be because you are the closest person to her and somehow being with you reminds her of the pain. She remembers how you were there for her, but that also brings back the memories of her husband's death.

That's what a lot of people have told me. I'm going to continue praying for her. I'm also going to continue praying that God will reveal His will to me. I truly believe He made us friends for a reason - and that reason wasn't for me to just help her get through the most difficult year of her life. I'm holding on to hope. Lots of good things have been happening. She's been asking our boss about me; wanting to see how I'm doing. She's even going to be working the football games this year. She knows I will be out there and I truly feel if she didn't want to have anything to do with me again then she wouldn't work those games. Maybe that will give me a chance to talk to her. I've respected her wishes thus far....not contacting her. It's been difficult, but I've done it. Anyway, thank you for your encouraging words.

cuteandheavenly · Sep 13, 2005

She doesnt hate you. Trust me, when I lost my parents and sister I didnt want anything to do with anyone. And my best friend of 22 years, I almost lost. I was going through so much pain and I had so much anger and my best friend was the easiest person to take it out on. I look back on it now and I am so glad that she didn't give up on me. So dont give it. Things will all work out in the end.

ArmouredSaint · Sep 16, 2005

listen,people DO change after a loss.maybe for good,maybe temp.I find myself angry or just plain hateful towards some of my friends,and some of my late girlfriends friends.I treat people coldly,just because this is how it works for me right now.I am angry,and my life is altered but part of me knows that I'll get better,and maybe I'll feel like talking another time.Your friends emotions are pretty beat up.I know you must feel she doesn't care like she did,but her loss is all about her.needs time.

AngieB said:
I've given her the space she has requested. I know she is forever changed. It's difficult when you know other people in the office are talking to her, but you can't. She has asked about me on several different occassions. That tells me that she does still care. I'm going to continue praying for her. That's about all I can do right now.

soblessed53 · Sep 27, 2005

I experienced the exact same feelings as your friend,after losing my husband of 30 years to an unexpected heart -attack. It was also 2 weeks later until I felt this way of wanting to be alone. The reason was I was doing what many surving spouses do, trying to remember every single moment together,we cannot do that with people continually talking or trying to involve us,we want to withdraw into ourselves. It is a good idea to still let her know that you are available whenever she needs you,but that you are going to give her some space to grieve. Check on her now and then,just for a short period,and give her the chance to talk about him if she wants, BTW we love to hear his name,so please do not avoid saying it. Some books on bereavement especially loss of a spouse would be a good idea,and after about 6 months for her to join a grief-support group would be a BIG help. I went through 2-6-week sessions and highly reccommend them. The funeral home or hospital should be able to get you in contact with a group leader.
Please understand this is a normal reaction for her and let her know that it is. At this time she cannot focus on anyone but herself and her loss,she has many questions herself that she has to work through,why and "if only" will torment her for sometime,and regrets of things she wishes had been different.We cannot "Let Go",until we resolve these things to our satisfaction and this is something we can only do alone,no one can help,because this is all about the personal life we shared with our lost loved one. She needs to take time to grieve. Grief is work and if we do not work through it[by trying to ignore it],it will cause adverse affects such as physical or mental ailments. God Bless you for being a concerned friend!

Harlan Norris · Sep 27, 2005

AngieB said:
My best friends' husband passed away on June 3. He lost his battle to lung cancer. Throughout the entire year, I was there for her. She told me time and time again how she just couldn't have made it without me. On Memorial Day he was going for a treatment, but instead he was admitted to the hospital. He passed away that Friday. I was at the hospital most of the time and even stayed there a couple of nights for support. After his death, she told me she was going to need me now more than ever. Almost 2 weeks after he passed away, she said she needed space. She is now lashing out at me for no apparent reason. She says I had an agenda when we became friends last year. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. This is the end of our knowing each other. She has erased this part of her life. Help me please. Why would she be treating me this way. And I feel deep down inside that she really doesn't hate me, that she isn't even angry at me. How do I deal with this??

Often part of the greiving process is to look for someone to blame. My mother did this to a neighbor that was sincerely trying to help when dad was sick. I'm not shure what her motive was exactly. Frankly I'm surprised she didn't turn on me. If I were you I'd let it go. Don't waste time trying to patch things up. However if she comes to you, forgive her.

marieg · Sep 28, 2005

Hi AngieB,
I agree with all that has been said grief effectes us all differently, I don't believe that she really does not want to know you. It is that the grief that she is feeling consumes her and that she is feeling very vunerable,keep praying for her and be ready when she wants you again. That is what a true friend does. I know its hard but try not to take it so personally.

Marieg

Christdefinesme · Sep 28, 2005

soblessed53 said:
I experienced the exact same feelings as your friend,after losing my husband of 30 years to an unexpected heart -attack. It was also 2 weeks later until I felt this way of wanting to be alone. The reason was I was doing what many surving spouses do, trying to remember every single moment together,we cannot do that with people continually talking or trying to involve us,we want to withdraw into ourselves. It is a good idea to still let her know that you are available whenever she needs you,but that you are going to give her some space to grieve. Check on her now and then,just for a short period,and give her the chance to talk about him if she wants, BTW we love to hear his name,so please do not avoid saying it. Some books on bereavement especially loss of a spouse would be a good idea,and after about 6 months for her to join a grief-support group would be a BIG help. I went through 2-6-week sessions and highly reccommend them. The funeral home or hospital should be able to get you in contact with a group leader.
Please understand this is a normal reaction for her and let her know that it is. At this time she cannot focus on anyone but herself and her loss,she has many questions herself that she has to work through,why and "if only" will torment her for sometime,and regrets of things she wishes had been different.We cannot "Let Go",until we resolve these things to our satisfaction and this is something we can only do alone,no one can help,because this is all about the personal life we shared with our lost loved one. She needs to take time to grieve. Grief is work and if we do not work through it[by trying to ignore it],it will cause adverse affects such as physical or mental ailments. God Bless you for being a concerned friend!

Ditto. I was going to add some things here because I, in my grief, went through a time of pushing away my best friend, but you said most of it above. Also want to add that me and my best friend are still best friends, eventually she understood, and we are back on track, it took a couple of years, and me pushing her away made her even have to deal with some of her own issues, and she really had to look at some of the ways she was expriencing my grief, which were unhealthy. Please be patient with your friend, the Lord can do miracles, pray, He knows best, release her and the friendship to Him, she needs Him more than anyone else right now. Take care.

horseluva42792 · Sep 28, 2005

First I want to say I am really sorry about your loss, but trust me it will get better. I think the reason your friend is treating you this way because she's unhappy and upset...give her some time, she'll come around. She might also feel that it brings back painful memories to be with you

thepianist · Sep 28, 2005

I'm sure you are truly in pain over this situation. I can understand that. We have to remember the terrible pain she is going through. I can't imagine what it is like to loose your spouse. I have had to watch my mother go through this pain - they were married for 51 years. She leans on me all the time. There are times that she's really upset - even after seven years.

God will bless you for praying for your friend and being patient with her. If you have a chance to let her know that you're praying for her - great....and if not, that's okay too. The most important thing is that you are keeping her in your prayers. She does need to know that you are there for her - if or when she may need you.

You will be in my prayers, dear.

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