Can a Pastor date a member of his congregation?

[Susan Porter506]

Here’s the background story: Single LCMS pastor, never married, age 40. Newly divorced woman, in her 40’s, member of the church and attends church regularly. This woman’s ex is a non-attending member of the church, and he only became a member for the school tuition discount. This church has a school where this woman’s two children attend. Is this a no-no for the pastor to date this woman?

 

[bekkilyn]

Here’s the background story: Single LCMS pastor, never married, age 40. Newly divorced woman, in her 40’s, member of the church and attends church regularly. This woman’s ex is a non-attending member of the church, and he only became a member for the school tuition discount. This church has a school where this woman’s two children attend. Is this a no-no for the pastor to date this woman?

You would have to check church policy to see if it is permitted within the LCMS, but either way, it is highly inadvisable for a pastor to date a member of the congregation. If they decide to date, it really would be best for the woman to attend another church or for the pastor to get assigned to a different church. All sorts of complications and conflicts of interest could arise regardless of whether the relationship continues or ends up going awry.

 

[Pavel Mosko]

Here’s the background story: Single LCMS pastor, never married, age 40. Newly divorced woman, in her 40’s, member of the church and attends church regularly. This woman’s ex is a non-attending member of the church, and he only became a member for the school tuition discount. This church has a school where this woman’s two children attend. Is this a no-no for the pastor to date this woman?

Luther married a nun so what is the problem?

And yeah there is a Lutheran board for this specific question, (noticing what @topher694 just mentioned)

 

[topher694]

Here’s the background story: Single LCMS pastor, never married, age 40. Newly divorced woman, in her 40’s, member of the church and attends church regularly. This woman’s ex is a non-attending member of the church, and he only became a member for the school tuition discount. This church has a school where this woman’s two children attend. Is this a no-no for the pastor to date this woman?

This may not be the best place to ask this. Chances of the thread blowing up are about 96.8%

 

[bekkilyn]

Luther married a nun so what is the problem?

Possible charges of sexual misconduct in today's environment could be one.

In any case should a relationship ensue, it would definitely need to be public to the entire congregation.

If they got married, it would be different of course. My responses only apply to a dating relationship.

 

[Susan Porter506]

What about the 2 kids that go to school there? Can they continue to attend the school? I would think no.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

Here’s the background story: Single LCMS pastor, never married, age 40. Newly divorced woman, in her 40’s, member of the church and attends church regularly. This woman’s ex is a non-attending member of the church, and he only became a member for the school tuition discount. This church has a school where this woman’s two children attend. Is this a no-no for the pastor to date this woman?

That really sounds like a church split waiting to happen ... regardless of denomination.

 

[Susan Porter506]

That really sounds like a church split waiting to happen ... regardless of denomination.

Split? Meaning woman leaves the church? Or split like church divided if it’s okay?

 

[Paidiske]

You would have to check church policy to see if it is permitted within the LCMS, but either way, it is highly inadvisable for a pastor to date a member of the congregation. If they decide to date, it really would be best for the woman to attend another church or for the pastor to get assigned to a different church. All sorts of complications and conflicts of interest could arise regardless of whether the relationship continues or ends up going awry.

Basically this.

There are sometimes exceptions; in my denomination, if two people were interested in pursuing a romantic relationship and one of the above solutions was not practical for whatever reasons (sometimes the case in small country communities, for example), they would be expected to report the budding relationship to the bishop and seek his oversight at the very least.

In particular, though, the fact that she's newly divorced (and thus likely emotionally vulnerable) and he's in a position of power over her, definitely ring alarm bells. It sounds like he's potentially exploiting her vulnerability for his own gratification.

 

[Susan Porter506]

Basically this.

There are sometimes exceptions; in my denomination, if two people were interested in pursuing a romantic relationship and one of the above solutions was not practical for whatever reasons (sometimes the case in small country communities, for example), they would be expected to report the budding relationship to the bishop and seek his oversight at the very least.

In particular, though, the fact that she's newly divorced (and thus likely emotionally vulnerable) and he's in a position of power over her, definitely ring alarm bells. It sounds like he's potentially exploiting her vulnerability for his own gratification.

The woman is the one who first expressed feelings for the pastor. He’s been behaving himself actually.

 

[Paidiske]

The woman is the one who first expressed feelings for the pastor. He’s been behaving himself actually.

Good that he's behaving himself. But just because she expressed feelings first, doesn't necessarily change anything I said in my post above.

 

[Tinker Grey]

Here’s the background story: Single LCMS pastor, never married, age 40. Newly divorced woman, in her 40’s, member of the church and attends church regularly. This woman’s ex is a non-attending member of the church, and he only became a member for the school tuition discount. This church has a school where this woman’s two children attend. Is this a no-no for the pastor to date this woman?

"Asking for a friend"

 

[sandman]

Here’s the background story: Single LCMS pastor, never married, age 40. Newly divorced woman, in her 40’s, member of the church and attends church regularly. This woman’s ex is a non-attending member of the church, and he only became a member for the school tuition discount. This church has a school where this woman’s two children attend. Is this a no-no for the pastor to date this woman?

It’s a tough situation …On one hand…. who better to date than someone who is in your congregation and like-minded with your beliefs. On the down side it does have a tendency to cause contention with other members…. not that it would be the pastors fault …just knowing human nature….And that fact that the divorce was relatively current, is not such a good idea.

Someone I know really well who was in a leadership role did the same thing. And he found that he showed favoritism towards the person he was dating and was influenced in different aspects by her input. It was a tough decision, but he had to break it off for the good for the good of the ministry.

Probably the best way for the minister to handle the situation would have been to keep it under wraps …but it sounds like it’s too late for that.

 

[bekkilyn]

Probably the best way for the minister to handle the situation would have been to keep it under wraps …but it sounds like it’s too late for that.

No no no no no this is never a good idea. It WILL come out publicly and in all the worst possible ways.

 

[Peter J Barban]

A decade ago, our single English ministry pastor secretly dated and then openly married the church pianist. The head pastor's wife was the matchmaker.

The church had no problems with their relationship and they are still married but are ministering in another country now.

So, it can work and work well. However, I agree with those who caution against marrying a recently divorced woman from the church.

It is entirely possible that she got a "crush" on the pastor while still married to her ex. This happens a lot.
PS. A lot of married women get jealous when the pastor openly shows affection for another woman in the church, especially when she appears less "morally upright" than themselves. This is the most likely reason for strife in the church.

I would strongly encourage them to get premarital counseling from the pastor of another church as well as the blessing from the (female) lay leaders of the church. Oh, and the blessing of Ex and his children as well.

 

[Garfield156]

Here’s the background story: Single LCMS pastor, never married, age 40. Newly divorced woman, in her 40’s, member of the church and attends church regularly. This woman’s ex is a non-attending member of the church, and he only became a member for the school tuition discount. This church has a school where this woman’s two children attend. Is this a no-no for the pastor to date this woman?

It depends, is it consensual?