FUNNY ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS
* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* All generalizations are false.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like the IRS.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* How can I miss you if you won't go away?
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* i souport publik edekashun.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
bumper stickers
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."
Some useful descriptions of people you may work with day to day:
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
Donated his body to scientists... Before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
TRUISMS ...
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Did ya ever just wonder .....
How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Is the main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Lifes little questions
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ?
The light went out, but where to ?
Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?
Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because he is a little bigger!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
If progress is technology moving forward,then what is congress?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be "hice"?
What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten?
If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesn't it become squozen?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* All generalizations are false.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like the IRS.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* How can I miss you if you won't go away?
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* i souport publik edekashun.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
bumper stickers
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."
Some useful descriptions of people you may work with day to day:
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
Donated his body to scientists... Before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
TRUISMS ...
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Did ya ever just wonder .....
How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Is the main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Lifes little questions
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ?
The light went out, but where to ?
Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?
Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because he is a little bigger!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
If progress is technology moving forward,then what is congress?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be "hice"?
What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten?
If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesn't it become squozen?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
