Broken in order to find God.

[Abide with me.]

This is the story of how I had to be broken in order to come to God.
I could skip the testimony and just say pride, self belief, immorality, weakness and shunning of God.
But that doesn't explain how I came to God and why..

There was a lot of of violence in my childhood, and for a skinny little artstic girl that might seem like an anomaly, but it was a rough neighborhood and I faught to survive, but coupled with this, I had an artistic talent and a belief I could achieve great things, I was cocky and confident, and generally yawned at the idea of God, even the advent of terrifying nightmares didn't scare me into God, the violence continued in my teens when my father started beating me, but I was more outraged to discover he had been doing the same to my mother all their married life.
I left home full of hatred for him and never lost an opportunity to curse him to anyone who would listen, sadly hate was all other people saw in me, and far from getting the support and understanding I craved, I got blamed or dis believed, which just heaped outrage on top of hate, I didn't know why my first boyfriend was just as abusive as my father in many ways, but he was and I never tired of complaing about him, or why, when I went out seeking a father figure in an older man, instead got a man who was looking for a bit of fun and someone to relive his own reckless youth with, and had a fearful lack of respect for me, I couldn't understand it! I was used to being the prettiest and most talented girl in the room! Why was I being treated so badly, the litany of my complaints grew louder and louder.

At the age of 30 having achieved relative material and carreer success I thought I was a pretty good catch but didn't understand why it had few friends and another series of failed relationship, doubt and panicke started to creep in, I wanted to get married and have children, I had been used to getting what I wanted, and set about getting it, so I joined a dating agency, however a friend persuaded me to go to a spiritualist church a few months before, and it never crossed my mind that there was any connection with the man who was to become my first husband, and the 2 women in his life who had died in the few months before I met him, his mother and his wife.
This man ticked all the attributes I had written on my list that he must have, or so I thought,. I even bragged about it, but I also remember saying, if this doesn't work out imy going to kill myself, I couldn't take any more failure.
The marriage lasted roughly 3 years, ending up with me having a nervous breakdown, £1000's out of pocket on failed fertility treatment, ( his infertility ) terrified of him trying to seize my few remaining assets and much more.

I wanted to die..but I was not broken, and joined another dating agency, I really put my back into finding a new husband and grew increasingly desperate as my biological clock was ticking,
but during the next 10 years I always got the exact opposite of what I wanted, and in strangely specific ways, including a string if infertile men and a miscarriage at 3 months, I started to have a creeping suspicion I was cursed, I had always thought I was a nice and loving person, I did good works but I asked everyone what was wrong with me, but nobody knew.

Finally at the age of 42 I had an epiphany, I had been living in a dead end relationship with a catholic who was in the same state of dispair about his faith as it was about my life and in particular my childlessness , I wanted to stop living like this, I had a fertility test and found out I was beyond hope within hours of being told my car was good for nothing but the scrap yard, I decided to face the monster, disappointment and failure, and attended an holistic healing day, which shone a spotlight on every aspect of my life, I vowed to try and fix the material things in my life.
At that stage nothing in any aspect of my life was working, I was now single..again, lonely and I had gone from being a career woman, to handing out leaflets in supermarkets, sleeping on a camp bed in my garage because I had let all my rooms out to lodgers, even my bedroom, just to pay the mortgage, my lodgers were demanding and an endless litany if trouble, my house, though large, was next to an industrial estate and sewerage works, so was always noisy and smelly, I was desperately lonely and felt lime my life was a slow motion car crash and wished I could wake up out of this nightmare. But it was real, my dream of a loving husband, children and a pretty cottage in the country had come to this, coming to the end of my rope was about losing hope, it took a last chance saloon relationship ending and a threatening abusive lodger for me to finally admit defeat, all my life I had thought, bottle guts and determination and self will would get me what I wanted, but it didn't did it!
Nobody could accuse me of not being a fighter, but where had it got me?! I was in complete dispair and surrender, humiliated and humble, I howled out to God morning noon and night to come to me, I was so broken I didn't even dare to ask for what I wanted, I just begged him to take all my misery and failiure, for me to hand it over, in exchange for me giving my life to him, I said I can't do this on my own, please come to me, I will do it your way, just show me the way and I will follow, even if I don't understand, I am yours now, but please God if it is your will that I remain alone forever please help me to accept it even if I don't understand, and I cried out from the bottom of my heart for 2 years.

I was attending Alanon at the time, and we talked about God and our higher power, and handing things over, so I became familiar with these things, I went cold turkey and quit men, ( except a few brief slips ) and on the advice and support of my neighbours I re trained to be a teacher so I could have a regular income and quit lodgers, and I joined art groups and started to develop healthy platonic friendships, but mostly I was just lonely and spent a lot of time in the woods and estuaries praying and just quietly being, I had no family and few friends, I also quit drinking as I had no one to drink with.

I watched success stories blossom for people in Alanon, lives being transformed, but mine stayed the same, I was resolved to follow Gods will and not my own, with the exception of re training, I was in a state of submission.
During this time I had a friend who's life seemed to be on parallel tracks to mine, despite being my teaching mentor, she knew I was lonely and said she was joining a dating agency, and that I should give it a go, I declined, but eventually joined not taking it seriously, and to cut a long story short, I very quickly met the love of my life who was to become my husband! I had already sold my house at the time, determined to get my cottage in the country on my own, but had not then moved, but had started teaching, he had 2 children and we bought a beautiful house together in the country, my teaching career went from strength to strength, I was highly respected even loved, I had a large group of students and friends, I became part of a painting society and won award after award.
It is now 17 years since we met, the children both are doing well and have left home, my husband is still the love of my life as I am his, we are so happy, and we went on to buy a 6 becroomed Georgian farmhouse with a huge beautiful garden overlooking nothing but fields and woodland, such a long way from misarable lonely noisy smelly house.

I am so full of admiration for you young people on here who found your way to God whilst you still have most of your lives ahead of you, I made it, but not in time to have children of my own,
But I am grateful that I am not one if the ones who never find him...


My father died an unrepentant old man a few years ago, suffering relentless nightmares about going to a vast black void of nothingness, make of that what you will, but knowing what I do, I know I need to take care of my soul, I love and fear God in equal measures.

God bless you all and thank you for reading.

 

[dqhall]

This is the story of how I had to be broken in order to come to God.
I could skip the testimony and just say pride, self belief, immorality, weakness and shunning of God.
But that doesn't explain how I came to God and why..

There was a lot of of violence in my childhood, and for a skinny little artstic girl that might seem like an anomaly, but it was a rough neighborhood and I faught to survive, but coupled with this, I had an artistic talent and a belief I could achieve great things, I was cocky and confident, and generally yawned at the idea of God, even the advent of terrifying nightmares didn't scare me into God, the violence continued in my teens when my father started beating me, but I was more outraged to discover he had been doing the same to my mother all their married life.
I left home full of hatred for him and never lost an opportunity to curse him to anyone who would listen, sadly hate was all other people saw in me, and far from getting the support and understanding I craved, I got blamed or dis believed, which just heaped outrage on top of hate, I didn't know why my first boyfriend was just as abusive as my father in many ways, but he was and I never tired of complaing about him, or why, when I went out seeking a father figure in an older man, instead got a man who was looking for a bit of fun and someone to relive his own reckless youth with, and had a fearful lack of respect for me, I couldn't understand it! I was used to being the prettiest and most talented girl in the room! Why was I being treated so badly, the litany of my complaints grew louder and louder.

At the age of 30 having achieved relative material and carreer success I thought I was a pretty good catch but didn't understand why it had few friends and another series of failed relationship, doubt and panicke started to creep in, I wanted to get married and have children, I had been used to getting what I wanted, and set about getting it, so I joined a dating agency, however a friend persuaded me to go to a spiritualist church a few months before, and it never crossed my mind that there was any connection with the man who was to become my first husband, and the 2 women in his life who had died in the few months before I met him, his mother and his wife.
This man ticked all the attributes I had written on my list that he must have, or so I thought,. I even bragged about it, but I also remember saying, if this doesn't work out imy going to kill myself, I couldn't take any more failure.
The marriage lasted roughly 3 years, ending up with me having a nervous breakdown, £1000's out of pocket on failed fertility treatment, ( his infertility ) terrified of him trying to seize my few remaining assets and much more.

I wanted to die..but I was not broken, and joined another dating agency, I really put my back into finding a new husband and grew increasingly desperate as my biological clock was ticking,
but during the next 10 years I always got the exact opposite of what I wanted, and in strangely specific ways, including a string if infertile men and a miscarriage at 3 months, I started to have a creeping suspicion I was cursed, I had always thought I was a nice and loving person, I did good works but I asked everyone what was wrong with me, but nobody knew.

Finally at the age of 42 I had an epiphany, I had been living in a dead end relationship with a catholic who was in the same state of dispair about his faith as it was about my life and in particular my childlessness , I wanted to stop living like this, I had a fertility test and found out I was beyond hope within hours of being told my car was good for nothing but the scrap yard, I decided to face the monster, disappointment and failure, and attended an holistic healing day, which shone a spotlight on every aspect of my life, I vowed to try and fix the material things in my life.
At that stage nothing in any aspect of my life was working, I was now single..again, lonely and I had gone from being a career woman, to handing out leaflets in supermarkets, sleeping on a camp bed in my garage because I had let all my rooms out to lodgers, even my bedroom, just to pay the mortgage, my lodgers were demanding and an endless litany if trouble, my house, though large, was next to an industrial estate and sewerage works, so was always noisy and smelly, I was desperately lonely and felt lime my life was a slow motion car crash and wished I could wake up out of this nightmare. But it was real, my dream of a loving husband, children and a pretty cottage in the country had come to this, coming to the end of my rope was about losing hope, it took a last chance saloon relationship ending and a threatening abusive lodger for me to finally admit defeat, all my life I had thought, bottle guts and determination and self will would get me what I wanted, but it didn't did it!
Nobody could accuse me of not being a fighter, but where had it got me?! I was in complete dispair and surrender, humiliated and humble, I howled out to God morning noon and night to come to me, I was so broken I didn't even dare to ask for what I wanted, I just begged him to take all my misery and failiure, for me to hand it over, in exchange for me giving my life to him, I said I can't do this on my own, please come to me, I will do it your way, just show me the way and I will follow, even if I don't understand, I am yours now, but please God if it is your will that I remain alone forever please help me to accept it even if I don't understand, and I cried out from the bottom of my heart for 2 years.

I was attending Alanon at the time, and we talked about God and our higher power, and handing things over, so I became familiar with these things, I went cold turkey and quit men, ( except a few brief slips ) and on the advice and support of my neighbours I re trained to be a teacher so I could have a regular income and quit lodgers, and I joined art groups and started to develop healthy platonic friendships, but mostly I was just lonely and spent a lot of time in the woods and estuaries praying and just quietly being, I had no family and few friends, I also quit drinking as I had no one to drink with.

I watched success stories blossom for people in Alanon, lives being transformed, but mine stayed the same, I was resolved to follow Gods will and not my own, with the exception of re training, I was in a state of submission.
During this time I had a friend who's life seemed to be on parallel tracks to mine, despite being my teaching mentor, she knew I was lonely and said she was joining a dating agency, and that I should give it a go, I declined, but eventually joined not taking it seriously, and to cut a long story short, I very quickly met the love of my life who was to become my husband! I had already sold my house at the time, determined to get my cottage in the country on my own, but had not then moved, but had started teaching, he had 2 children and we bought a beautiful house together in the country, my teaching career went from strength to strength, I was highly respected even loved, I had a large group of students and friends, I became part of a painting society and won award after award.
It is now 17 years since we met, the children both are doing well and have left home, my husband is still the love of my life as I am his, we are so happy, and we went on to buy a 6 becroomed Georgian farmhouse with a huge beautiful garden overlooking nothing but fields and woodland, such a long way from misarable lonely noisy smelly house.

I am so full of admiration for you young people on here who found your way to God whilst you still have most of your lives ahead of you, I made it, but not in time to have children of my own,
But I am grateful that I am not one if the ones who never find him...


My father died an unrepentant old man a few years ago, suffering relentless nightmares about going to a vast black void of nothingness, make of that what you will, but knowing what I do, I know I need to take care of my soul, I love and fear God in equal measures.

God bless you all and thank you for reading.

Thanks for sharing your story. I thought painting might become obsolete with the improvement of photography, but some people will try to express themselves that way. During Jesus’ days on earth, works of art preserved memories and history of events in frescoes, sculpture and mosaics. Writings such as the Gospels, Acts and the epistles are of greater value than photographs. I bought an online course about understanding the New Testament. A university professor described things from his lifetime of studying the New Testament. His teaching illuminated my day. Today I listened to him describe Paul’s letter to the Roman’s and his exhortation to seek spiritual gifts. Paul may have known people in Rome as some believers had gone from other churches where Paul visited to Rome. They carried letters back and forth. Paul sent a deaconess named Phoebe with his letter to the Romans and advised the church in Rome to welcome her.