Broke Up Due to Alcohol

[stardreamer]

Last night my boyfriend ended our relationship because of his drinking habits. He said he didn't want to get me upset anymore by drinking even though he loved me. And that he didn't want to lie to me by saying that he drank less or wasn't drinking. But he also justified his drinking and said that when he drinks it helps him bond with his family and they enjoy drinking together. And he says that most of the time when he drinks its when he spends time with his family.

You see about a week ago I had a serious talk with him about how I felt upset over his drinking habits. I noticed whenever he had a day off, such as the weekend, he would spend it drinking or end up totally drunk and pass out. He would also take bets for shots from his family members on things such as discussions or who would win the game of cards or rounds on a video game. So he would end up drinking like 7+ beers a day (from morning until night) and then taking shots on top of that. We'd never really have any other time to hang out or he would end up passing out because of the alcohol. Which I told him about that and it made me upset. But it was every weekend he did that.

I never really get to talk to him during the weekdays because he worked nights, so there were a few hours where we could talk. And when on days off he would get drink. A lot.

I told him we shouldn't be together anymore if he were to continue drinking like that because it upsetted me a lot and that I don't think I can handle a boyfriend that drank so much. I asked him if he could try drinking less because I found it excessive. During our talk he described to me some personal issues that he felt like he was going through. And I just felt like he drank because of those issues. He told me he could make efforts to drink less, to tone down on the alcohol. Until last night when he told me it was impossible for him to do it because he feels like he can change some things but can't change the fact that he loves drinking with his family. Because that is what they did every weekend. In my mind I'm just thinking he's okay with breaking up with me because his whole family are excessive drinkers and probably supports his drinking habits. I can see the arguments that it is his free time, it is his money, he can spend it on alcohol if he wants because he works hard for it. That no person should try to change who someone is if that's what he wants to do. I respect that he loves his family, I really do. But I just can't deal with the fact they all are okay with him drinking so much.

It's just heartbreaking to me. Somehow I just feel like he thought the alcohol was more important than our relationship. I just felt like we were so compatible with each other, and then this. I just feel so upset. I didn't want him to get rid of the alcohol, I just wanted him to be sober sometimes and be genuinely him when he spoke to me instead of him instead of the random drunk calls. I dated him for who he was as a person but I can't have have a boyfriend who drinks so much. I can't help but feel terribly broken. I suppose I just would like to know where to go from here. Some support and advice is much needed. Thank you.

 

[dysert]

Perhaps this will come across as a bit harsh (though that's not my intention), but you're not married, and I hope no children are involved, so I respect you for drawing a "deal-breaker" line in the sand and sticking to it. As I'm sure you know, excessive drinking can lead to other bad behaviors (e.g., drunk driving, abuse), and you don't need to be the victim of that stuff. Personally, I think it's great that you separated over this matter. It would be a deal breaker for me as well. I don't doubt that you'll find someone who makes you a priority over getting drunk.

 

[a Truster]

Run, keep running and don't look back. I was drunk for 30 years, so I speak from experience.

 

[dqhall]

Last night my boyfriend ended our relationship because of his drinking habits. He said he didn't want to get me upset anymore by drinking even though he loved me. And that he didn't want to lie to me by saying that he drank less or wasn't drinking. But he also justified his drinking and said that when he drinks it helps him bond with his family and they enjoy drinking together. And he says that most of the time when he drinks its when he spends time with his family.

You see about a week ago I had a serious talk with him about how I felt upset over his drinking habits. I noticed whenever he had a day off, such as the weekend, he would spend it drinking or end up totally drunk and pass out. He would also take bets for shots from his family members on things such as discussions or who would win the game of cards or rounds on a video game. So he would end up drinking like 7+ beers a day (from morning until night) and then taking shots on top of that. We'd never really have any other time to hang out or he would end up passing out because of the alcohol. Which I told him about that and it made me upset. But it was every weekend he did that.

I never really get to talk to him during the weekdays because he worked nights, so there were a few hours where we could talk. And when on days off he would get drink. A lot.

I told him we shouldn't be together anymore if he were to continue drinking like that because it upsetted me a lot and that I don't think I can handle a boyfriend that drank so much. I asked him if he could try drinking less because I found it excessive. During our talk he described to me some personal issues that he felt like he was going through. And I just felt like he drank because of those issues. He told me he could make efforts to drink less, to tone down on the alcohol. Until last night when he told me it was impossible for him to do it because he feels like he can change some things but can't change the fact that he loves drinking with his family. Because that is what they did every weekend. In my mind I'm just thinking he's okay with breaking up with me because his whole family are excessive drinkers and probably supports his drinking habits. I can see the arguments that it is his free time, it is his money, he can spend it on alcohol if he wants because he works hard for it. That no person should try to change who someone is if that's what he wants to do. I respect that he loves his family, I really do. But I just can't deal with the fact they all are okay with him drinking so much.

It's just heartbreaking to me. Somehow I just feel like he thought the alcohol was more important than our relationship. I just felt like we were so compatible with each other, and then this. I just feel so upset. I didn't want him to get rid of the alcohol, I just wanted him to be sober sometimes and be genuinely him when he spoke to me instead of him instead of the random drunk calls. I dated him for who he was as a person but I can't have have a boyfriend who drinks so much. I can't help but feel terribly broken. I suppose I just would like to know where to go from here. Some support and advice is much needed. Thank you.

Alcoholism in men prior to conception may result in birth defect babies:
Fathers drinking: Also responsible for fetal disorders?

Other articles indicate sperm damage, mental retardation, deformed facial features resulting from male alcohol abuse prior to conception.
Dad's Alcohol Habits Affect Fetus Too

 

[grasping the after wind]

Perhaps this will come across as a bit harsh (though that's not my intention), but you're not married, and I hope no children are involved, so I respect you for drawing a "deal-breaker" line in the sand and sticking to it. As I'm sure you know, excessive drinking can lead to other bad behaviors (e.g., drunk driving, abuse), and you don't need to be the victim of that stuff. Personally, I think it's great that you separated over this matter. It would be a deal breaker for me as well. I don't doubt that you'll find someone who makes you a priority over getting drunk.

I concur with dysert. You cannot really be compatible with someone that on a very basic level has a different worldview and set of priorities.

 

[Valetic]

As long as there is an addiction such as this, there will be dysfunction in the household. I grew up with it so I would know. I also became apart of it in my later teen years but have since sobered up. It's normal that you feel a sense of loss, but it is a couples relationship and honestly after seeing what I did growing up, I'm willing to bet that there are plenty more men who are good people who throw good things like this down the drain in the name of having their kind of a good time. I am not the best at words or offering encouraging advice but from my own experiences it's just best to stay away from people and crowds like this or else you will feel either used, abused, cheated, or neglected. When I sobered up I had to toss certain relationships because they had a negative impact on my life. It's not to say I don't love them, it's just my priorities shifted is all, and I care about myself enough to not let myself go beyond my limits by not associating myself with them - kind of a self therapy.

 

[SkyWriting]

Last night my boyfriend ended our relationship because of his drinking habits.

So his drinking is more important than his relationship with you?
You have to feel bad for his future, but he is choosing alcohol over you.
Good that he is so clear about it. Financially he could ruin your future
if you stay with him.