Hi!
I was in a terrible manic state and I scared my boyfriend off. He is a Christian and really, truly a nice guy. He has some immaturity in relationships that I really believed we could work out together. I believed we would work out anything and now I scared him off. I feel like a HUGE FOOL. I become very manic...My first true severe manic episode which I now know was
exacerbated by my medicine. I began a new job in September. I am moving this coming week. I had issues with the medicine. I was not aware of how severe my Bipolar really is..I guess I was fooling myself that I had a mild case and wasn't that bad. Anyone ever fool themselves that way and end up a bigger fool in the end. I was not the person that he knew when we first started dating and I recently became suicidal. With all the stress in my life I caused the relationship to really suffer. I became paranoid, fearful, jealous, clingy, needy, more than insecure, blaming, accusatory, angry, exhibited fit of rage, banged my head on the wall, almost jumped from one story of the house down to the first floor. I scared the crud out of him and now looking back I scare the crud out of myself. I didn't see how bad it was when I was in it. I did many terrible things and he stayed a long time. He said he would stick through anything and now he is gone and I feel tremendous shame, guilt, pain, agony, remorse, regret, fear, and anger. I am so unsure of the future. A couple of things that I did do that were right was that I advocated to go get help together a few months back. I tried many times to bring prayer into our relationship, but he didn't really get into that. I went to have a med change after the banging head incident. I did do a lot and I worked very hard and was sweet to him a great great deal of the time. I am desperate for help and to know GOD'S WILL!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED PRAYERS SO BAD!!! I am not out of the woods, yet. I am still having self destructive thoughts. I want this boyfriend back very badly and feel so ashamed and embarrassed by my actions. I wonder if this disease will rob me of a love relationship that I desire with all my heart. I know Jesus needs to be my boyfriend and that is where I need to go now. But what is me and what is this disease and how can I tell when I am going under and how do I handle a break up right now when I am at the end of my rope and why why why why why why why???????? PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AND BRAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR GOD'S WILL AND SOFTENED HEARTS. (Sorry this post is so long!!)
I was in a terrible manic state and I scared my boyfriend off. He is a Christian and really, truly a nice guy. He has some immaturity in relationships that I really believed we could work out together. I believed we would work out anything and now I scared him off. I feel like a HUGE FOOL. I become very manic...My first true severe manic episode which I now know was
exacerbated by my medicine. I began a new job in September. I am moving this coming week. I had issues with the medicine. I was not aware of how severe my Bipolar really is..I guess I was fooling myself that I had a mild case and wasn't that bad. Anyone ever fool themselves that way and end up a bigger fool in the end. I was not the person that he knew when we first started dating and I recently became suicidal. With all the stress in my life I caused the relationship to really suffer. I became paranoid, fearful, jealous, clingy, needy, more than insecure, blaming, accusatory, angry, exhibited fit of rage, banged my head on the wall, almost jumped from one story of the house down to the first floor. I scared the crud out of him and now looking back I scare the crud out of myself. I didn't see how bad it was when I was in it. I did many terrible things and he stayed a long time. He said he would stick through anything and now he is gone and I feel tremendous shame, guilt, pain, agony, remorse, regret, fear, and anger. I am so unsure of the future. A couple of things that I did do that were right was that I advocated to go get help together a few months back. I tried many times to bring prayer into our relationship, but he didn't really get into that. I went to have a med change after the banging head incident. I did do a lot and I worked very hard and was sweet to him a great great deal of the time. I am desperate for help and to know GOD'S WILL!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED PRAYERS SO BAD!!! I am not out of the woods, yet. I am still having self destructive thoughts. I want this boyfriend back very badly and feel so ashamed and embarrassed by my actions. I wonder if this disease will rob me of a love relationship that I desire with all my heart. I know Jesus needs to be my boyfriend and that is where I need to go now. But what is me and what is this disease and how can I tell when I am going under and how do I handle a break up right now when I am at the end of my rope and why why why why why why why???????? PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AND BRAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR GOD'S WILL AND SOFTENED HEARTS. (Sorry this post is so long!!)
I know that hurting yourself dosen't solve anything, rather it makes thing worse! When thoughts go through your head that you would normally not think, or you cannot understand why you would think them, don't act on them, rather, find a comfortable place to sit or lay down and pray, cry, adn ride it out. it will pass... My Tdoc tells me Not to tell my Beloved the thoughts that go through my head. They would only scare him, cause loss of trust, and other problems! So I sit in teh kitchen on a little step stool, and hide my head in my arms and cry... Sometimes when it is really bad, I turn offf the light It always passes, adn I know Not to act on my thought no matter how rational they feel at teh time... It takes of practice,and faith, you Can di it! Pray douring these times, adn think of your fav praise songs and run the lyrics though your mind. Not in a fighting the thoughts kind of way, rather a calming kind of way, they songs will eventually be what your mind focccuses on... It always helps to cry!!! If you are a writer, journal out feelings and cry them out as you journal. Do Not share your journal with anyone except your Tdoc, either when you are better, or if you ned medical help, so that they can know where you are at... If you know you are or becomming manic, have a reserved place to put your car keys so you know that when you put them there, you cannot take them out until the situation passes... I give my keys to my Beloved and walk away from tehm, because sometimes I want to listen to the wrong music blasted up, racing anyone I can find on teh road... Not safe, or smart... Just F.R.O.G. (just Fully Rely On God) dourning these times... Take comfort in the Lords safe hands, and remember "this to shall pass" as is written over and over in teh Bible! God Bless! Lastly, Know your friends and what "type" of friends they are. By that I mean what you know they can reasonably handle to help you. Some friends can listen, some friends can come over and sit with you, some friends can do nothing, ( and situations like these may scare them off because the don't understand that the thoughts you are haveing are Not you, its the Bipolar comming out!) maybe only pray for you. Do ont get mad at loved ones when they get overloaded because of the Bipolar! In teh samy thought, don't shut them out either! I am sure you know in your heart the next few steps logical and rational to take, they may be scary, but take teh Lords hand, and let Him lift you up and carry you through this time! May teh Lord be with you and help clear the pain, doubt, adn raging conflict in your mind! God Bless! 
