Breaking Up

Alright, here's where I'm at right now. Last night my boyfriend asked me where I saw our relationship going, I didn't know exactly how to answer him. I like him and see a future with him but we'd have a year of long distance stuff while he's down in flight school for the navy. He talked and pretty much said that he didn't want to do the long distance thing (he said sometimes those things work out) and that we should end our relationship now before it got deeper and harder to end. He said that all our friends are getting married and that their lives seem to fit together and our don't exactly. I think that's his main problem. What he meant by that was a lot of our friend are getting married this summer, they either are both graduating and getting married or one couple one is graduating and the other is still in school but the one has a job in the same town as our college.

So that's where I am right now, we still are going to spend time together and hang out like we did before and be friends. I want to talk to him more about all this, I really didn't know what to say last night. I guess I want to find out if the LDR is the only reason why he doesn't see us together.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice. Did anyone go through something similar? Anyone in a long distance relationship that's working? Like I said, I want to talk to him more about it but I don't really know what to say or shen I should do it.

JesusFreak78 said:

I don't think you should get married or don't get married based on what other people are doing. If you are getting married you must do that because it feels right for both of you and you both are ready for such a commitment.

LDR can work, but it require more work from both of you and it require more trust from each other. I'm in one (4000 miles apart) and we talk to each other every day to (we have the time and will to do this) so we can evolve together with the options we have to work with (IM or phone).

Of course it's hard to only be able to see each other only once a year (specially when you are so close to each other as we are), but if you are committed to do this and you have true love for someone you can get through everything. Trust God and pray about your relationship is also a key issue in all relationship.

Hope this could be to some help for you.

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Thanks for your input, I really need to talk to him some more and keep praying about all this.

Neither one of us are quite ready to get married yet for a couple of reasons, I mean we are but we aren't (that probably doesn't make much sense ), we really haven't talked about it too much yet. I guess where I was talking about the marriage thing wasn't exactly to say that we have to copy everyone else, that's not what he meant either. It's just that with all our friends graduating and getting married this year it has got him thinking. I had been thinking about all this too but I wasn't going to bring it up quite yet, I guess he beat me to it.
I think he would like to be married before he has to go to navy flight school but we wouldn't be able to because of my classes. I was supposed to graduate this year, he's graduating May 2009, and now with the way my classes are working out - certain ones can't be taken until you take other ones and those aren't offered every semester - it turns out I can't graduate until May 2010. I had been thinking about this too for a while but I wasn't going to bring it up quite yet, he beat me to it though. I guess he sees our career paths going in two different directions. He doesn't know where the navy is going to send him so it's kinda hard to plan, the thing with my major is I can pretty much get a job in any state.

I think a LDR would work, I have a friend in one now and my parents were in one for a while, my dad is from Indiana and my mom is from Canada. I have complete trust in him and he in me so that's not the problem. It would be hard going from seeing him almost every day, we live about a block away from each other, to not seeing him for long periods of time. Neither one of us are big phone talkers all the time but we have had some great long conversations over Christmas when we were both away so I think we'd be ok with that. Like I said, I need to talk to him more about it I just don't quite know when, we're not going to be seeing each other at least till Tuesday because of our schedules and Easter, I now wish we had spent more time talking last night about this too. It's so frustrating, especially to think that the only reason that we broke up was because of a LDR, if there were other reasons I think I'd be more fine with all this.

Thanks again for what your advice.

alfrodull said:

My relationship with my fiance, who is also in the military, has been mostly an LDR, and he's in Iraq right now. Obviously, it's worked out pretty well, but there's no way around it...It's tough. Even tougher than the average LDR, because at one point or another his ability to communicate with you will be severely curtailed. There are times when I'm not sure I can do it...And I have no doubts in my mind that this man is perfect for me.

I question how a LDR of this nature between two people that question their commitment from the get-go could work out favorably in the end. Even if it is his only concern, it's a valid one, and you should think long and hard about whether this is something you want to pursue.

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Thanks. I really just don't know what to think, I never once questioned anything and he didn't until a few days ago. I was talking to my roommate, whose fiance lives with him, and she was telling me that he was making plans for my birthday (about a week away) and that he was planning on taking me with him early to their wedding since he's in it, all this was two days ago. I really don't know when he decided all this. My roommate also said it could just be him freaking out. All of a sudden he's realized that he graduates in about a year, come August he signs his life away to the navy for 8 years and he'll get commissioned. I don't know if that's true or not, I guess that's why I just want to know if the LDR is the only reason we break up. I think I'd have an easier tim with all this if there were another reason.

little_tigress said:

i'm in a LDR, i have been in one for over a year and a half and it is extremely tough. we do get to see eachother every few months thankfully but i cannot tell you how hard it is when those visits end and you have to be apart again for another few months.

thats not to say it can't work. Despite the distance we have a very strong relationship and are very much in love and i honestly believe this is the man i am going to marry one day. its just a matter of patience on both of our parts and really working at the relationship. If this is the right person for you and if you're both working on the relationship faithfully there's really no reason it cannot work out.

You need to talk to him though and find out if its just that he's afraid of the long distance hurting your relationship or if he was using that as an excuse. Its also very likely he was trying to feel you out to see if you were willing to be in an LDR with him because that is a lot to ask of someone if they aren't totally prepared to handle that. Don't drive yourself crazy by trying to figure this all out or reading in to the situation though go and talk to him and find out for sure what the story is and then you'll be in a much better position to decide together what you want to do and where you want the relationship to go.

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I don't think we'd have to go months on end without seeing each other. The way I think I can get my schedule to work out I would have one semester where I would just substitute teach, maybe take one class if I have to (I want to try to do it in the summer if I can), if I'm a sub I can pretty much make my own schedule and decide when I want to work, I can go visit him often. Yes, the next semester wouldn't be quite that way but it would only be like 5 months, we can do weekend things and I'd have a couple other breaks too.

I am kinda driving myself crazy with all these questions. I think I'm going to call him this afternoon and tell him I want to talk sometime. I'm sure I'll get his voicemail because he has several classes today, I don't know exactly what I'm going to say or anything. My friends all wanted me to call him last night but I couldn't, they said it's best not to wait too long. I'm pretty sure I'll see him Sunday evening, my roommate is planning an Easter dinner like thing for a few people when we're all back down at school. So my thought is call him today so he knows I want to talk and have questions and we'll either talk today or sometime Sunday.

Thanks everyone for all you've said, its helped.

little_tigress said:

glad to hear you're gonna call him. i'll be praying for ya!

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Thanks, I'll need it. I'm such a chicken when it comes to these things, part of me just kinda wants to wait to say anything until I see him on Sunday. I dont' want to do this over the phone and that's the soonest we'd see each other. Hopefully I'll get the courage up to call in a little while.