Breaking the Silence

[TLK71]

My first time posting here. There so much back-story that I won't try to include all at once...it would be impossible to read it all in one sitting.

I'm a 46 year old Christian woman in a marriage that is the second for both my husband and I. Both of our first marriages ended due to adultery of our first spouses.

I was on my own for about 4 years and spent a lot of time in prayer and the Bible, working through the failure of my first marriage. I was in a good place when I met my now husband who came from a wonderful Christian family and professed to be a Christian himself...but it seems my decision-making ability had not improved all that much.

We've been married for 2 1/2 years and there have been the expected challenges in step-parenting and marriage expectations. I was prepared for there to be inherent challenges involved in a second marriage. I was prepared to work through baggage.

I was not prepared for him to be mentally and physically abusive.

As much as I still believe that it is wrong to live together before marriage, there were so many things that he was able to hide by each of us having our own homes while we were dating.

A few months after we married, the abuse started as him not allowing me to have a difference of opinion and if I did express one, he did things like throwing his cell phone through a window, busting doors open, shoving me with the fridge door as I walked past him, waking me up in the middle of the night to rant at me, and whipping me in the face with a pillow when I refused to respond to him.

Although I quickly learned to be careful around him, I still overstep my bounds at times and he has punched my in the upper thigh hard enough to drop me to the floor, leaving a bruise. He has also kicked me and threatened to punch me in the face "as hard as he can".

He does not apologize for these things as he says I have "mentally abused" him in the way I argue with him. I readily admit, that in some of our arguments I have said things that I definitely regret...and have offered apologies. He says he doesn't remember me saying I was sorry and uses this as a reason for his physical attacks on me.

There are many things he has said that have ripped my heart out; he often uses things that he knows I am already heartbroken about as weapons, such as my adult son who has an addiction problem, or the fact that my first husband left for another woman. He says that my flaws have caused them to do the things they've done and he feels sorry for them.

We do have a lot of pressures on us due to our kids and some of their choices. He is a heavy drinker, which I discovered after we married, and his personality can be Jekyll/Hyde.

My heart hurts all the time and I live in fear of setting him off.

I did not expect, at almost 47 years of age, to be in such a painful relationship. I don't even know where to begin to fix this, but I have a sense that breaking my silence is the first step.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

My first time posting here. There so much back-story that I won't try to include all at once...it would be impossible to read it all in one sitting.

I'm a 46 year old Christian woman in a marriage that is the second for both my husband and I. Both of our first marriages ended due to adultery of our first spouses.

I was on my own for about 4 years and spent a lot of time in prayer and the Bible, working through the failure of my first marriage. I was in a good place when I met my now husband who came from a wonderful Christian family and professed to be a Christian himself...but it seems my decision-making ability had not improved all that much.

We've been married for 2 1/2 years and there have been the expected challenges in step-parenting and marriage expectations. I was prepared for there to be inherent challenges involved in a second marriage. I was prepared to work through baggage.

I was not prepared for him to be mentally and physically abusive.

As much as I still believe that it is wrong to live together before marriage, there were so many things that he was able to hide by each of us having our own homes while we were dating.

A few months after we married, the abuse started as him not allowing me to have a difference of opinion and if I did express one, he did things like throwing his cell phone through a window, busting doors open, shoving me with the fridge door as I walked past him, waking me up in the middle of the night to rant at me, and whipping me in the face with a pillow when I refused to respond to him.

Although I quickly learned to be careful around him, I still overstep my bounds at times and he has punched my in the upper thigh hard enough to drop me to the floor, leaving a bruise. He has also kicked me and threatened to punch me in the face "as hard as he can".

He does not apologize for these things as he says I have "mentally abused" him in the way I argue with him. I readily admit, that in some of our arguments I have said things that I definitely regret...and have offered apologies. He says he doesn't remember me saying I was sorry and uses this as a reason for his physical attacks on me.

There are many things he has said that have ripped my heart out; he often uses things that he knows I am already heartbroken about as weapons, such as my adult son who has an addiction problem, or the fact that my first husband left for another woman. He says that my flaws have caused them to do the things they've done and he feels sorry for them.

We do have a lot of pressures on us due to our kids and some of their choices. He is a heavy drinker, which I discovered after we married, and his personality can be Jekyll/Hyde.

My heart hurts all the time and I live in fear of setting him off.

I did not expect, at almost 47 years of age, to be in such a painful relationship. I don't even know where to begin to fix this, but I have a sense that breaking my silence is the first step.

Hello Tammy,

I'll just break the ice, and while I want to say "Welcome to CF," I can't focus on that since you've shared what you've shared.

Breaking your silence is indeed the first step. The next step will be for you to begin looking for a good Christian counselor, even if just yourself or for the both you and your husband (ideally speaking). The immediate third step is to consider calling the cops ... if needed, sister.

Peace,
2PhiloVoid

 

[mkgal1]

I would second 2PhiloVoid's response, but not to be contrary, I'd just suggest that instead of a Christian counselor that you seek out the help of an abuse counselor (either through a local woman's shelter or the abuse hotline). Don't do couples counseling at this point. He's showing signs that will cause any couple's counseling to be a way for him to abuse you in a whole new way. This web site may be helpful for you: New Users’ Information

Be very careful about your computer and phone trails (delete traces). Unfortunately most Christian counselors are ill-equipped in dealing with abuse and could make things dangerous for you (and your children-if you have any living with you still).

If it's at all any consolation, I doubt living together prior to marriage would have given you any way to avoid this. A person with an abusive mentality knows what they're doing and they will conceal this sort of behavior until they feel it's "safe" to do so (and their partner doesn't feel they have an easy way out). It's not uncommon for this sort of behavior to come out years later....after several children are added. Please don't blame yourself.

 

[A_Thinker]

My first time posting here. There so much back-story that I won't try to include all at once...it would be impossible to read it all in one sitting.

I'm a 46 year old Christian woman in a marriage that is the second for both my husband and I. Both of our first marriages ended due to adultery of our first spouses.

I was on my own for about 4 years and spent a lot of time in prayer and the Bible, working through the failure of my first marriage. I was in a good place when I met my now husband who came from a wonderful Christian family and professed to be a Christian himself...but it seems my decision-making ability had not improved all that much.

We've been married for 2 1/2 years and there have been the expected challenges in step-parenting and marriage expectations. I was prepared for there to be inherent challenges involved in a second marriage. I was prepared to work through baggage.

I was not prepared for him to be mentally and physically abusive.

As much as I still believe that it is wrong to live together before marriage, there were so many things that he was able to hide by each of us having our own homes while we were dating.

A few months after we married, the abuse started as him not allowing me to have a difference of opinion and if I did express one, he did things like throwing his cell phone through a window, busting doors open, shoving me with the fridge door as I walked past him, waking me up in the middle of the night to rant at me, and whipping me in the face with a pillow when I refused to respond to him.

Although I quickly learned to be careful around him, I still overstep my bounds at times and he has punched my in the upper thigh hard enough to drop me to the floor, leaving a bruise. He has also kicked me and threatened to punch me in the face "as hard as he can".

He does not apologize for these things as he says I have "mentally abused" him in the way I argue with him. I readily admit, that in some of our arguments I have said things that I definitely regret...and have offered apologies. He says he doesn't remember me saying I was sorry and uses this as a reason for his physical attacks on me.

There are many things he has said that have ripped my heart out; he often uses things that he knows I am already heartbroken about as weapons, such as my adult son who has an addiction problem, or the fact that my first husband left for another woman. He says that my flaws have caused them to do the things they've done and he feels sorry for them.

We do have a lot of pressures on us due to our kids and some of their choices. He is a heavy drinker, which I discovered after we married, and his personality can be Jekyll/Hyde.

My heart hurts all the time and I live in fear of setting him off.

I did not expect, at almost 47 years of age, to be in such a painful relationship. I don't even know where to begin to fix this, but I have a sense that breaking my silence is the first step.

It may be wise to begin to (covertly) make plans to get away from him before he really hurts you.

I will pray for you ...