boyfriend with OCD, need advice

[goodusername]

Hello all,

My boyfriend has, what seems to me, a pretty severe case of scrupulosity that is only getting worse with time. It's been educational to go through this forum to try to understand what he is going through better. Most of the posts here are from those who have scrupulosity asking advice from others who suffer from scrupulosity....I was wondering if you all could discuss what you think would be helpful for people to know who *don't* have scrupulosity. Is there anything that others have done that have helped you get better? Anything that has made you worse? Anything you wish a significant other would have done or would have done differently? Should I let him pray every time he feels he needs to apologize? Should I refuse to let him pray and bang pots and pans until he stops?

I also have OCD but it's totally unrelated to scrupulosity. I also believe in God, but my relationship with God is very different than my boyfriend's. It breaks my heart to see him suffer so much, and it pains me that there seems to be nothing I can do or say to help him.

I'm not completely sure what triggers his scrupulosity. I know he talks a lot about "saying the Lord's name in vain," which is a particular problem because he gets triggered when other people say "oh my god" or [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] or other variations (I apologize if anyone is offended I wrote these out on the website), which is so pervasive in everyday conversations these days that it's nearly impossible to escape it. I hear him apologize often for "not being focused" during prayer, "getting distracted," for rushing during a prayer, or for thinking "bad thoughts" during prayer. I'm not sure what the "bad thoughts" are exactly. He says things like "I should not say those worse" or "I can't think those things"... I think sometimes he also gets upset that he has been thinking "bad things" all day, and maybe he gets angry with God, so he apologizes for being angry and frustrated.

So far, I try to tell him that God is the utmost of love and mercy, how could he possibly be upset with him for random things that pass through his mind? And how could He not forgive him for being frustrated when it's not his fault he has scrupulosity? I also believe God wouldn't want him to spend his entire day praying, because He loves him, He would want him to enjoy his life, to live it to the fullest, to do good in the world....not to be stuck in the house all day feeling guilty over things I don't believe God would be upset about. But he is convinced the things that he says in his head are bad, and it's just my opinion that they are not. And he MUST apologize, and he must apologize in a manner that God would find worthy. Obviously, I am not God, I couldn't ever presume to know what God knows or thinks....but I just refuse to believe He wants my boyfriend to spend his life suffering. My boyfriend is the kindest, gentlest person I know.

Anyway, to make a long post even longer, I would just love to hear your perspective on how you think those around you could help your scrupulosity. Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Sadiegrl]

Hi there,

Thanks for sharing and welcome to CF! While I do not have scrupulosity, I do have a dear friend who is borderline due to his schizophrenia and OCD tendencies. We've had many conversations where I am reassuring him and attempting to ease his suffering as it is in some way self afflicted. A mental disorder isn't necessarily a self affliction, but it is one's own mind attacking itself. When I do talk with my friend, we discuss often God's work in our lives and in a thankful spirit will go over the same topics as these are his stumbling blocks. Humans do need repetition, but not in an obsessive way that hinders them from interacting and appreciating God's beauty all around us outside. The new testament in the Bible shows how Jesus canceled out the need for ritualistic worship and a continuous sense of self condemnation. There are many powerful verses that give freedom to those living under such a dark cloud. My advice would be to humbly present some ideas to your boyfriend such as writing out specific Bible verses and placing them in visible locations such as a mirror or in the car, which give a sense of repetition but in a positive way.

This world is full of sinful encounters and our hearts and minds are prone to them. However Christ already died and rose again, thus conquering any and all sins of every person alive and dead, all sins of our past, present, and future. Many times in the Old Testament God explains how the people don't understand their own rituals and get caught up in the religious aspects and not in the relationship. Use examples that gently present God as a loving parent, that their child comes and asks for forgiveness to which it is freely given. Any parent would not want to see their child spending long hours agonizing over something to which you already said all was well, not to worry.

The best thing to do to is to replace the negative thinking with Scripture. The more you can incorporate Bible study, the better both your mental health will be, as truth will begin to replace the self doubt and attempts to purify rather than actually draw near to God. His thoughts on all matters are found in the Bible. I suggest reading a version like the Message version as it fits nicely within our culture's language and can be easily read online at www.biblegateway.com

I have used notecards with Bible verses and prayers on them for when I feel spiritually attacked and have often recited them to friends in need. One verse that is applicable is Romans 8:1-2
"With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death."

Jesus freed us from a life of legalism, how things were in the Old testament days, where continuous rituals were required to be cleansed of all sin. However, like all habits they must be broken and the root of the matter should be discovered. Why does your BF feel he needs constant repentance? How was his childhood? His early experiences with God could have been distorted by parents or wrong doing within a church. God will gladly help restore his truth and foundation, but it most certainly needs to be built upon His Word to see any lasting effects.

Best wishes!

 

[Aleksandros]

I suffer from this. Oh, what a cycle it is when you fall into it! What helps me is reading the experiences of others like this one and realising it is in fact an ailment. That makes me wary of it and treat it with vigilance.

I think you should pray with him about the topic itself. If he isn't open minded, show him scriptures about the fruits of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22 for instance) and ask him if is them, and whether the God who said:

"Let your reasoneableness be known unto all men." (Phil 4:5)

Would expect him to spend most of his time apologising! Not only would God not act in such a manner towards us, He would not have us behave in such a way either.

Logic could be used to show God's reasoneableness and good character, and to prove that He is not charging us with sin for such weaknesses that you literally can not help.

Ask him also things like whether God wants him to pray about his sins 24/7 or pray for things like other people's needs.

What made my scrupulosity worse was giving into it when it was weak, and allowing it to get worse over time. Even now, if I win for a few days straight, if I give in to it a few times, or even once, it can work much harm.
It's something that feels very real, and is hard to fight with right thinking alone. For me it really feels like something that can suck you in and get you trapped.

One last thing is to be patient to the utmost. Pray, pray, pray, ask for help not only for him but also for yourself in dealing with this. Also realize that if he makes progress, there will also most likely be times where he returns to the habit.

And why not get help from a Christian counsellor? It's worth a try.

I hope that is of a little help.

 

[goodusername]

Thank you for your replies! All of this is very helpful.

I have thought about putting scripture up in various places around the house....one thing I was worried about, and perhaps someone can give me insight, I am worried that having scripture around the house will remind him of God and his problem with intrusive thoughts, which may just trigger an episode. I am a hair puller, and sometimes when I am not pulling someone will ask me about it, which will remind me of my hair and then I will start pulling. I am worried of something similar happening with him, that when he is not having a problem, seeing the scripture might just remind him of his problem which may trigger an OCD episode. But perhaps this might be how it is in the beginning, but with repetition might help to replace some of his compulsions? I have also heard of people doing the opposite, putting offensive things around the house as "exposure therapy," so he can get used to it and feel more at ease in the future. This type of therapy works well for my type of OCD, but perhaps this is terrible for scrupulosity?

As far as his upbringing, I think he had a happy childhood and loving parents....but I think he has mentioned that after the onset of his scrupulosity, in middle school, he changed schools to a christian school that he said "definitely made things worse." I'm not exactly sure in what way. I think there is also an issue that many priests or religious people don't understand OCD, so they have made him feel he SHOULD be repenting all the time because those thoughts ARE bad and sinful....instead of understanding that these are compulsions out of his control. Of course this would make anyone feel worse! This is definitely something I should discuss with him more to see if many of his issues stem from what he was taught there or perhaps an interaction he had with someone there. For this reason he is afraid of seeking out a counselor or a priest, out of fear that they may not understand and make him feel more guilty. I have thought about possibly going to see a few on my own and seeing how they respond, so I can find a good mentor for him. This is similar to finding a good psychologist, sometimes you get a psychologist who is absolute rubbish, but when you find a good match it can really make a huge difference!

Thank you again for the replies!

 

[Aleksandros]

I would suggest praying, definitely. That must always be first. Also do try to be careful with exposure - you might violate Scriptural principles by purposefully putting offensive things around!

 

[eldios]

Hello all,

My boyfriend has, what seems to me, a pretty severe case of scrupulosity that is only getting worse with time. It's been educational to go through this forum to try to understand what he is going through better. Most of the posts here are from those who have scrupulosity asking advice from others who suffer from scrupulosity....I was wondering if you all could discuss what you think would be helpful for people to know who *don't* have scrupulosity. Is there anything that others have done that have helped you get better? Anything that has made you worse? Anything you wish a significant other would have done or would have done differently? Should I let him pray every time he feels he needs to apologize? Should I refuse to let him pray and bang pots and pans until he stops?

I also have OCD but it's totally unrelated to scrupulosity. I also believe in God, but my relationship with God is very different than my boyfriend's. It breaks my heart to see him suffer so much, and it pains me that there seems to be nothing I can do or say to help him.

I'm not completely sure what triggers his scrupulosity. I know he talks a lot about "saying the Lord's name in vain," which is a particular problem because he gets triggered when other people say "oh my god" or [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] or other variations (I apologize if anyone is offended I wrote these out on the website), which is so pervasive in everyday conversations these days that it's nearly impossible to escape it. I hear him apologize often for "not being focused" during prayer, "getting distracted," for rushing during a prayer, or for thinking "bad thoughts" during prayer. I'm not sure what the "bad thoughts" are exactly. He says things like "I should not say those worse" or "I can't think those things"... I think sometimes he also gets upset that he has been thinking "bad things" all day, and maybe he gets angry with God, so he apologizes for being angry and frustrated.

So far, I try to tell him that God is the utmost of love and mercy, how could he possibly be upset with him for random things that pass through his mind? And how could He not forgive him for being frustrated when it's not his fault he has scrupulosity? I also believe God wouldn't want him to spend his entire day praying, because He loves him, He would want him to enjoy his life, to live it to the fullest, to do good in the world....not to be stuck in the house all day feeling guilty over things I don't believe God would be upset about. But he is convinced the things that he says in his head are bad, and it's just my opinion that they are not. And he MUST apologize, and he must apologize in a manner that God would find worthy. Obviously, I am not God, I couldn't ever presume to know what God knows or thinks....but I just refuse to believe He wants my boyfriend to spend his life suffering. My boyfriend is the kindest, gentlest person I know.

Anyway, to make a long post even longer, I would just love to hear your perspective on how you think those around you could help your scrupulosity. Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

Religion and it's traditions and dogma come from Satan and the beast. Only God can destroy Satan and the beast and he will do just that on the day of the Lord which will happen soon. Tell your boyfriend that all flesh of man must perish to destroy Satan and the beast but that his spirit will remain in the spirit of God forever and ever. Tell him he will experience new images and thoughts from Christ in the next generation after the day of the Lord completely removes Satan, the beast and all flesh from earth. The earth will also go back to it's original state that it was in the beginning.

 

[redblue22]

What has the doctor said about the OCD? Yours? His?