I've been dealing with some issues with my boyfriend of a year and nine months. I guess I should start with a little background:
He and I grew up together in school. We met when we were 6 years old, and he was my first best friend. In high school we became friends again (I went to another middle school) and we talked all the time, but we never considered really "being together"--it didn't even cross our minds. Anyway, the summer after my freshman year of college, I was working at a grocery store that he worked at as well. I was attracted to him like never before, and he to me. We spent all our free time talking and eventually I asked him if he'd like to hang out. We went on a date and considered ourselves official the day after. We had a crazy romance that was so exciting and happy. We both went to church, but neither of us had that built in desire to do God's will. We were just having fun, and it felt right. A month after we began dating, we had sex together (it was the first time for both of us). I admit, it was my idea. Soon after, it was pretty much all we did when we got together. He'd spend weekends in my college town with me, and we'd have sex. When I went home for other weekends, we'd have sex at his or my house. At the time it was fulfilling and fun, and it seemed right.
Shortly after, I began to lose my desire for sex with him. I know it might be hormonal (I have some health problems with that), but it was so sudden that he became confused, because he'd essentially assume we'd have sex every day we were together, at least once a day. Whereas before it wasn't a big deal to me, I liked to do it, it was becoming more and more of a hassle and a burden to me. I liked it less and less. I still masturbated, which made me think that perhaps I wasn't finding him as attractive anymore. However, we were still the best of friends. He was (and is) my ultimate companion. We did everything together, and he made me laugh and just have fun in life.
Fast forward to about a week ago: I was on spring break at home (not college) and I felt a conviction on my heart to begin to follow God more closely, and I confessed my sins to God and asked for his forgiveness, and to make me new. I felt so free, so joyful, and so renewed, but immediately there was this ugly cloud over my bf and my relationship. It complicated what had already been going on--we were feeling distant from each other, he never wanted to kiss or hug me, and we fought all the time due to my insecurities and other issues. One night that week we decided to go on a date. He came over, commented on how pretty I looked, and made a remark about how my parents were gone, so we might be able to "get busy" before we went out for dinner. He knew where I stood with God and I'd been telling him about how great I felt about my faith, and he said he wanted that too. But I brought up that I thought we shouldn't have sex anymore because we weren't married. And that kind of threw a monkey wrench into our night. He got upset and told me that now that I wanted to follow God (he even used the phrase "religious kook"), I had an "excuse" to not have sex with him, because I "never liked to have sex anyway." I told him that wasn't true, and that I was sorry that I wasn't always in the mood when he was (which is basically all the time), and that I just felt like this was right. He argued that we planned on getting married anyway, so why not? He didn't feel like it was wrong. Long story short, we ended up having sex, and I felt so guilty afterward, I felt like I was on another planet. I've never felt that way before. That put even more of a haze on our relationship.
I went back to school this week, and I've tried my best to live for God, though I'll admit that it has been challenging. And reading some things on this forum have been discouraging and making me doubt my salvation at all, though I felt so free when I made that decision for God...now reading stuff on here makes me wonder if all of that joy was in my head. But that's another post for another forum. My bf and I have been texting and chatting on the phone, and we're more disconnected than ever. Last Saturday when I was still home he said he was going to make a decision for God too, and that he was beginning to feel better about us, and that although he said "I'm the only guy on this planet that will have no form of release. I can't touch, I can't look at porn, and now I can't have sex with you!" he was going to try to live better. He started going to my church's mens group and he said he felt like it was the right thing to do. We both felt totally disconnected from everything--my initial joy was replaced by depression and disconnectedness, and he felt the same way. Even going to work or talking to my roommate or getting up for school became so incredibly hard and clouded, and I still don't know why! He just texted me today and said that he STILL doesn't feel like it's wrong for us to have sex, and that he doesn't know what to do, because I've taken away his only form of release and last form of intimacy and passion we had in our relationship. I keep telling him that I'm sorry, and that I didn't mean to hurt him in any way, but this is another sin that God speaks against over and over in the Bible, and that I shouldn't do it. He said "well then, what is left in our relationship besides friendship?" He went on to say that today he gave in to temptation and masturbated, and that since then he felt like God turned His back on him, even though he asked for forgiveness afterward and asked for the Holy Spirit to restore his joy. He said "God left me. He gave up on me because I've messed up so many times," even though I assured him that our God is a God of second chances...and third, and fourth...and so on.
I don't want to lose his friendship or companionship, but I know I can't go on in a relationship unequally yoked in this way. I felt like God was saying to me, "You're either all in or you're not!" and I want to be all in, though I know it will be so incredibly hard, especially now that I'm doubting myself this soon. I know that my bf will be even more susceptible to temptation if we break up (he has said before when we've broken up temporarily that he had nothing else to live for. It even made him make some very poor decisions and have sex with another person, the very same day we broke up last time. He said he felt so totally horrible, and I believed and forgave him). I don't want him to get thrown into sin, but I don't know what to do. It seems like I'm trapped either way I go. Every aspect of my life is inundated with him. His family loves me, my family absolutely adores him, we have a lot of the same interests and hobbies, and he makes me laugh like no other. I'm completely comfortable around him, and he around me (outside the realm of physical passion). He says he's not going to leave me because of how bad it will make him feel to know that he hurt me, but I told him I don't want to think that he's miserable because of me. All the same, I can't stand the thought of seeing him with someone else, though I realize that's pretty much just insecurity on my part. I wish I could have my cake and eat it too, you know? I want a Godly relationship with my bf...but at this point in time I don't know how to really achieve that. I don't really have friends outside of him and I will be completely and utterly alone if I'm not with him...add that to the thought of seeing him get with another girl, and I'm not sure if I can handle it. I know God never gives us more than we can handle, but I'm sure I will be right at that breaking point.
I apologize that this was so ridiculously long...
Any advice or wisdom or insight would be very much appreciated.
He and I grew up together in school. We met when we were 6 years old, and he was my first best friend. In high school we became friends again (I went to another middle school) and we talked all the time, but we never considered really "being together"--it didn't even cross our minds. Anyway, the summer after my freshman year of college, I was working at a grocery store that he worked at as well. I was attracted to him like never before, and he to me. We spent all our free time talking and eventually I asked him if he'd like to hang out. We went on a date and considered ourselves official the day after. We had a crazy romance that was so exciting and happy. We both went to church, but neither of us had that built in desire to do God's will. We were just having fun, and it felt right. A month after we began dating, we had sex together (it was the first time for both of us). I admit, it was my idea. Soon after, it was pretty much all we did when we got together. He'd spend weekends in my college town with me, and we'd have sex. When I went home for other weekends, we'd have sex at his or my house. At the time it was fulfilling and fun, and it seemed right.
Shortly after, I began to lose my desire for sex with him. I know it might be hormonal (I have some health problems with that), but it was so sudden that he became confused, because he'd essentially assume we'd have sex every day we were together, at least once a day. Whereas before it wasn't a big deal to me, I liked to do it, it was becoming more and more of a hassle and a burden to me. I liked it less and less. I still masturbated, which made me think that perhaps I wasn't finding him as attractive anymore. However, we were still the best of friends. He was (and is) my ultimate companion. We did everything together, and he made me laugh and just have fun in life.
Fast forward to about a week ago: I was on spring break at home (not college) and I felt a conviction on my heart to begin to follow God more closely, and I confessed my sins to God and asked for his forgiveness, and to make me new. I felt so free, so joyful, and so renewed, but immediately there was this ugly cloud over my bf and my relationship. It complicated what had already been going on--we were feeling distant from each other, he never wanted to kiss or hug me, and we fought all the time due to my insecurities and other issues. One night that week we decided to go on a date. He came over, commented on how pretty I looked, and made a remark about how my parents were gone, so we might be able to "get busy" before we went out for dinner. He knew where I stood with God and I'd been telling him about how great I felt about my faith, and he said he wanted that too. But I brought up that I thought we shouldn't have sex anymore because we weren't married. And that kind of threw a monkey wrench into our night. He got upset and told me that now that I wanted to follow God (he even used the phrase "religious kook"), I had an "excuse" to not have sex with him, because I "never liked to have sex anyway." I told him that wasn't true, and that I was sorry that I wasn't always in the mood when he was (which is basically all the time), and that I just felt like this was right. He argued that we planned on getting married anyway, so why not? He didn't feel like it was wrong. Long story short, we ended up having sex, and I felt so guilty afterward, I felt like I was on another planet. I've never felt that way before. That put even more of a haze on our relationship.
I went back to school this week, and I've tried my best to live for God, though I'll admit that it has been challenging. And reading some things on this forum have been discouraging and making me doubt my salvation at all, though I felt so free when I made that decision for God...now reading stuff on here makes me wonder if all of that joy was in my head. But that's another post for another forum. My bf and I have been texting and chatting on the phone, and we're more disconnected than ever. Last Saturday when I was still home he said he was going to make a decision for God too, and that he was beginning to feel better about us, and that although he said "I'm the only guy on this planet that will have no form of release. I can't touch, I can't look at porn, and now I can't have sex with you!" he was going to try to live better. He started going to my church's mens group and he said he felt like it was the right thing to do. We both felt totally disconnected from everything--my initial joy was replaced by depression and disconnectedness, and he felt the same way. Even going to work or talking to my roommate or getting up for school became so incredibly hard and clouded, and I still don't know why! He just texted me today and said that he STILL doesn't feel like it's wrong for us to have sex, and that he doesn't know what to do, because I've taken away his only form of release and last form of intimacy and passion we had in our relationship. I keep telling him that I'm sorry, and that I didn't mean to hurt him in any way, but this is another sin that God speaks against over and over in the Bible, and that I shouldn't do it. He said "well then, what is left in our relationship besides friendship?" He went on to say that today he gave in to temptation and masturbated, and that since then he felt like God turned His back on him, even though he asked for forgiveness afterward and asked for the Holy Spirit to restore his joy. He said "God left me. He gave up on me because I've messed up so many times," even though I assured him that our God is a God of second chances...and third, and fourth...and so on.
I don't want to lose his friendship or companionship, but I know I can't go on in a relationship unequally yoked in this way. I felt like God was saying to me, "You're either all in or you're not!" and I want to be all in, though I know it will be so incredibly hard, especially now that I'm doubting myself this soon. I know that my bf will be even more susceptible to temptation if we break up (he has said before when we've broken up temporarily that he had nothing else to live for. It even made him make some very poor decisions and have sex with another person, the very same day we broke up last time. He said he felt so totally horrible, and I believed and forgave him). I don't want him to get thrown into sin, but I don't know what to do. It seems like I'm trapped either way I go. Every aspect of my life is inundated with him. His family loves me, my family absolutely adores him, we have a lot of the same interests and hobbies, and he makes me laugh like no other. I'm completely comfortable around him, and he around me (outside the realm of physical passion). He says he's not going to leave me because of how bad it will make him feel to know that he hurt me, but I told him I don't want to think that he's miserable because of me. All the same, I can't stand the thought of seeing him with someone else, though I realize that's pretty much just insecurity on my part. I wish I could have my cake and eat it too, you know? I want a Godly relationship with my bf...but at this point in time I don't know how to really achieve that. I don't really have friends outside of him and I will be completely and utterly alone if I'm not with him...add that to the thought of seeing him get with another girl, and I'm not sure if I can handle it. I know God never gives us more than we can handle, but I'm sure I will be right at that breaking point.
I apologize that this was so ridiculously long...
Any advice or wisdom or insight would be very much appreciated.
