Boyfriend Becoming Dad

[Living4Him03]

Okay, here's the story. In short. When I was little and even now my Dad attempts to control me. He has this sort of macho attitude and thinks women need to basically help out around the house and cook the food for the men. We have a fairly good relationship most of the time, but the controlling part really gets to me. Thinking he can just tell me what to do, even if it doesn't make sense and even if I'm 22 years old. Well, he does this to my Mom too.

For awhile he didn't like my Mom's parents because he thinks they are stingy and depressing and he had a lot of anger built up towards them. He would get angry any time my Mom went to see her side of the family and any time I go see my grandmother, he still says stuff about my Mom's family that is hurtful. In other situations he is the same way. For church on Sundays we had to be up early and he would pester us about getting ready and not making HIM late to church. But, he would be the one to mess around with the bills and stuff and end up making my family late to church. There are so many other situations like this. Over the past few years he has improved, but he's still very controlling and I just hate it.

I have always told myself that I could not ever marry a man like that. I will not be controlled and told what to do, even if it isn't directly but more of a covert controlling. I just can't tolerate all the hurt again with a man trying to control me and making me feel guilty for doing anything that doesn't please him.

So this brings me to my boyfriend. He has this thing about going to movies. He doesn't like for me to talk during a movie and he makes sure I don't have my cell phone on so that it won't go off during the movie. Also, he has told me that one of his pet peeves is people eating loud while watching a movie. I love going out with him, but I just feel like I'm on pins and needles in situations like that where we're at the movies and it has to go his way. It reminds me a lot of how my Dad can act sometimes and it scares me. I don't know what I would do if I married someone like my Dad.

My question is: Am I just being paranoid or should I be concerned about my boyfriend being picky about stuff like going to the movies? He's great in other areas, but his pickiness is sometimes irritating. He hates it when I compare his actions of those of my Dad's since he knows how much hurt my Dad has caused me with his control issue. So, how can I approach him about being so picky (which is bordering on controlling) without mentioning the hurt my Dad caused me? Sorry this is so long!

 

[jenptcfan]

Are there other areas where your boyfriend is like this?

The movie thing just sounds like general courtesy during a movie (no cell phone, no talking, etc.), but if there are lots of areas where you feel like you're on pins and needles, this may be cause for concern.

 

[California Dreamin']

Whoa... I would definitely not want to go to a movie with your boyfriend! To me he sounds too 'picky'.

 

[remy]

 

[Phrasedefina]

Okay, here's the story. In short. When I was little and even now my Dad attempts to control me. He has this sort of macho attitude and thinks women need to basically help out around the house and cook the food for the men..................Well, he does this to my Mom too.

I have always told myself that I could not ever marry a man like that.

........So this brings me to my boyfriend. He has this thing about going to movies. He doesn't like for me to talk during a movie and he makes sure I don't have my cell phone on so that it won't go off during the movie. Also, he has told me that one of his pet peeves is people eating loud while watching a movie. I love going out with him, but I just feel like I'm on pins and needles in situations like that where we're at the movies and it has to go his way. It reminds me a lot of how my Dad can act sometimes and it scares me. I don't know what I would do if I married someone like my Dad.

My question is: Am I just being paranoid or should I be concerned about my boyfriend being picky about stuff like going to the movies? He's great in other areas, but his pickiness is sometimes irritating. He hates it when I compare his actions of those of my Dad's since he knows how much hurt my Dad has caused me with his control issue......

I know someone that is in this situation now. Her boyfriend is controlling and he will hit her soon. I just know it. Even though she acknowledges the fact that he is too controlling, always jealous, will likely do something to hurt her, she still believes he deserves a chance and that she can help him change his future ways.....GIVE ME A DAMN BREAK!!!!!

SO the is relevant to you and your boyfriend cause' he may eventually become this way one day. If its just at the movies he acts this way, then you probably are just freakin out for no reason, but if you feel like you are on pins and needles all the time, then there is a problem with him and you need to get out now.

Every day that goes by your hearts bond even further and it will be way more difficult in the future. I mean IF you really feel like your constantly watching your step....then I beg you to get out now. I don't care who relegious he is or how much he attends church. You know the saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink!"
Such is the case with your father. If he was a TRUE Christian man, then somehow (through Church and God) he would have been shown the proper ways to act with you and your Mother.

Its sooo crazy cause' this is EXACTLY how the other person I just mentioned started out. Crazy, obsesive, and abusive father and now it seems as if you two are in the same boat.

 

[Living4Him03]

Well, it turns out he went to see Shrek today without me...lol...big surprise. He was planning to go Friday afternoon, but went today so that he could say he already saw it so I wouldn't ask him to take me tomorrow. When I asked him why he did that he said I made a big deal out of something that isn't a big deal. Then we started talking and he said he is tired of having to be compared to other guys I have dated and what jerks they were. I guess anyone who reminds me of the way my Dad likes to control things just scares me.

He also said tonight that since I made a big deal of him going to see Shrek without me, knowing I wanted to go see it with him, that it makes him not want to take me out. It's sort of like he's saying I have to be punished.

I'm not sure what I should tolerate and what I shouldn't. I guess I just have to keep praying about it.

Sorry this is a long thread, I just needed to share all this with someone. I haven't talked to many people about how my Dad acts. He seems just fine in public, and we have good moments, but I'm not at home anymore so I don't get subjected to the controlling episodes as much as I did when I lived at home. Maybe he's depressed or just wasn't sure how to raise an ADHD little girl and that's how it started. I just don't know but I"m still healing from it all. Thank you all for responding and being so caring!

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

L4H--

Have you talked to him about this. There seems to be quite a communication problem. I am not sure he understands where you're coming from.

I think a lot of us females tend to find someone who is a lot like our fathers. While growing up my dad was quite controlling, too. I found myself in a relationship with somone similar and I had no idea how to react when I actually met someone who wasn't like that.

On the other side of the coin, we all have weird things about us that will just about annoy anyone you come into contact with. I think perhaps his actions about the movies is more about his pet peeves--not about controlling. I agree with him! I hate when people are smacking their food or hearing a cell phone ring. That's just me.

Is he trying to control everything you do in your life? It also sounds that perhaps he's a bit hurt by being compared to other men in your life. I don't think he went to see "Shrek 2" by himself just to hurt you. Perhaps he didn't want to get hurt himself?

There's two sides to everything. My suggestion is to be open and honest with him and ask him to do the same.

 

[wonder111]

hmm, all I can say is be careful! You don't have to be in the relationship if you don't want to.

 

[Phrasedefina]

L4H--

Have you talked to him about this. There seems to be quite a communication problem. I am not sure he understands where you're coming from.

True....make sure the communication is obvious and apparent. Tell him in black and white plain simple language how you feel.

I think a lot of us females tend to find someone who is a lot like our fathers. While growing up my dad was quite controlling, too. I found myself in a relationship with somone similar and I had no idea how to react when I actually met someone who wasn't like that.

That is so very true

Is he trying to control everything you do in your life? It also sounds that perhaps he's a bit hurt by being compared to other men in your life.

That is the most important question.....But if you two communicate, then he should not be hurt by you comparing him. He should see that you are expressing concern and he should change the things he is doing to make you a little more comfortable. If he doesn't feel he is doing anything wrong, well maybe he isn't, but if you still don't feel right then ya'll should end it, cause it won't get better later unless one of you change, and so you know; THE GUY WILL NOT CHANGE FOR YEARS!

 

[Quiet Storm]

Well I personally hate it when people talk during movies. I don't like any noise going on during movies or any kind of event that involves listening or undivided attention. I don't think that he's trying to be controling, but that's just his personal preference, maybe even pet peeve.

 

[fishstix]

As far as the movies thing goes - it is really annoying for everyone in the theater if people have cell phones ringing and are talking during the movie, and making noise in other ways (such as loud eating). If you have done any of these things while at a movie with your boyfriend, I don't blame him for being annoyed and telling you to stop. That's not being controlling or picky. Making noise in the theater is being rude towards everyone.

In general, it does sound like the two of you may need some time apart, and your boyfriend is probably sensing it.

 

[Bartimaeus]

Phones come with an option of turning off the ringer.
Stay at home and rent a movie... and chew with your mouth closed.
Stop comparing.

------------------
Coming up with easy solutions to life's questions since 2003

Remy,
I found your message a bit troubling. It doesn't take her feelings into account. It just says "do what the man says." That isn't really fair. Why should her feelings be discounted? Why should she just automatically compromise?

 

[Bartimaeus]

I know someone that is in this situation now. Her boyfriend is controlling and he will hit her soon. I just know it. Even though she acknowledges the fact that he is too controlling, always jealous, will likely do something to hurt her, she still believes he deserves a chance and that she can help him change his future ways.....GIVE ME A DAMN BREAK!!!!!

SO the is relevant to you and your boyfriend cause' he may eventually become this way one day. If its just at the movies he acts this way, then you probably are just freakin out for no reason, but if you feel like you are on pins and needles all the time, then there is a problem with him and you need to get out now.

Every day that goes by your hearts bond even further and it will be way more difficult in the future. I mean IF you really feel like your constantly watching your step....then I beg you to get out now. I don't care who relegious he is or how much he attends church. You know the saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink!"
Such is the case with your father. If he was a TRUE Christian man, then somehow (through Church and God) he would have been shown the proper ways to act with you and your Mother.

Its sooo crazy cause' this is EXACTLY how the other person I just mentioned started out. Crazy, obsesive, and abusive father and now it seems as if you two are in the same boat.

Amen.

You put it very well.

 

[sarahbug]

Personally, I HATE it when I'm in a movie theater and someone starts gabbing on their cellphone...I didn't pay $8 or more for a movie ticket just to hear someone yakking on their cellphone (plus, it's just bad manners to have a cellphone on during a movie). As for loud eating...I can't imagine anyone would eat loudly enough to drown out a movie. I don't think his requests are that bad, I think most anyone feels the way he does, BUT if he's that nitpicky about other things, and doesn't mention them to you nicely, then he doesn't sound like such a nice guy. At any rate, you need to tell him, straight out, what's bothering you. And I can also understand why he might get tired of being compared to other people. It could be you are so scared of him turning out like your dad that you are reading more into his actions.

 

[Bartimaeus]

Okay, here's the story. In short. When I was little and even now my Dad attempts to control me. He has this sort of macho attitude and thinks women need to basically help out around the house and cook the food for the men. We have a fairly good relationship most of the time, but the controlling part really gets to me. Thinking he can just tell me what to do, even if it doesn't make sense and even if I'm 22 years old. Well, he does this to my Mom too.

For awhile he didn't like my Mom's parents because he thinks they are stingy and depressing and he had a lot of anger built up towards them. He would get angry any time my Mom went to see her side of the family and any time I go see my grandmother, he still says stuff about my Mom's family that is hurtful. In other situations he is the same way. For church on Sundays we had to be up early and he would pester us about getting ready and not making HIM late to church. But, he would be the one to mess around with the bills and stuff and end up making my family late to church. There are so many other situations like this. Over the past few years he has improved, but he's still very controlling and I just hate it.

I have always told myself that I could not ever marry a man like that. I will not be controlled and told what to do, even if it isn't directly but more of a covert controlling. I just can't tolerate all the hurt again with a man trying to control me and making me feel guilty for doing anything that doesn't please him.

So this brings me to my boyfriend. He has this thing about going to movies. He doesn't like for me to talk during a movie and he makes sure I don't have my cell phone on so that it won't go off during the movie. Also, he has told me that one of his pet peeves is people eating loud while watching a movie. I love going out with him, but I just feel like I'm on pins and needles in situations like that where we're at the movies and it has to go his way. It reminds me a lot of how my Dad can act sometimes and it scares me. I don't know what I would do if I married someone like my Dad.

My question is: Am I just being paranoid or should I be concerned about my boyfriend being picky about stuff like going to the movies? He's great in other areas, but his pickiness is sometimes irritating. He hates it when I compare his actions of those of my Dad's since he knows how much hurt my Dad has caused me with his control issue. So, how can I approach him about being so picky (which is bordering on controlling) without mentioning the hurt my Dad caused me? Sorry this is so long!

Hi L4H,
First of all, does your boyfriend understand that your reaction to his pickiness is actually instinctual because of the way your father raised you? Does he understand that you react automatically, without total control over how you feel?

Secondly, if his "pickiness" goes beyond the theater thing, which it seems to do from your "shrek 2" post, I would be concerned. If he can't talk about why you feel the way you do without understanding that it isn't about comparing him to your father, but that things do remind you of your father in a way that is emotionally intense, there may be other problems down the line. I'd be careful if I were you. You deserve someone who understands where you're coming from.

 

[remy]

Remy,
I found your message a bit troubling. It doesn't take her feelings into account. It just says "do what the man says." That isn't really fair. Why should her feelings be discounted? Why should she just automatically compromise?

I suppose you have a good point there. I'll delete my comment because of this persuasion *that and I sometimes misinterpret the situation, I was tired at the time *

 

[Bartimaeus]

I suppose you have a good point there. I'll delete my comment because of this persuasion *that and I sometimes misinterpret the situation, I was tired at the time *

I hope I didn't make you feel bad. I just posed my questions out otf curiosity.

 

[Living4Him03]

It's just mainly that he went without me, knowing I wanted to go, assuming that I would make too much noise or something. And the thing is , I don't eat during movies ever unless at home, I don't usually even have my cell phone turned on half the time and don't bring it when I'm going to the movies, and I don't usually talk during a movie because I like silence too. It just felt like he was making up a lame excuse to not take me by saying he's weird about movies and has to have certain conditions that he hasn't mentioned needing before. I don't know. Maybe we do need some time apart to figure out whether we should be together or not.

 

[jenptcfan]

It's just mainly that he went without me, knowing I wanted to go, assuming that I would make too much noise or something. And the thing is , I don't eat during movies ever unless at home, I don't usually even have my cell phone turned on half the time and don't bring it when I'm going to the movies, and I don't usually talk during a movie because I like silence too. It just felt like he was making up a lame excuse to not take me by saying he's weird about movies and has to have certain conditions that he hasn't mentioned needing before. I don't know. Maybe we do need some time apart to figure out whether we should be together or not.

Yeah, that would hurt...to know that he went without you even though he knew you wanted to go. It's understandable that you would be upset.

Maybe he went alone because he knows he's quirky about watching movies and didn't want to impose his pickiness on you? Still a hurtful outcome, but maybe he thought it would be less hurtful that going with you and nitpicking you the whole time?

 

[JPPT1974]

Either have the baby and keep her/him or give the baby up for adoption because those are godly and wonderful alternatives to abortion.