Blaaaahhhhh!

[miss-a]

Well, gang, I appreciate you being here. I've got to vent just a little. Did you know it is a physiological fact that women need to talk about their stress or they will otherwise internalize it and develop physical disease. That's your free trivia tip of the day!

Okay, so venting: I feel like I lost two friends today. They've actually been gone for a while, but I just listened to a voicemail that seems to make it official.

My good friend married a lovely woman recently. I realized at the time that meant I would have much more limited time with him, but I was okay with that because I was so happy that he found someone so nice. Then his new wife and I became friends so it seemed I'd gained a friend, which was really nice. But then a few months down the road they started having problems, just newlywed, lack-of-communication stuff that could be easliy solved with a bit of pastoral counseling. So yesterday she wanted to vent to me about the most recent issues they're having. I let her vent some, but I always feel like I'm strattling the line of gossip, because he is also my friend and they should be talking to each other, not me.

So anyway, I suggested counseling and she was all for it, was even going to go get some guidance, even if he wasn't interested in counseling, so she could learn how to live with a husband who wasn't interested. But after making a few calls to her pastor and not being able to reach him, she decided to talk with her husband--who talked her out of counseling. That was what was on the voice mail I just listened to.

So I'm bothered on a number of levels about this, but it's completely out of my control. And the bottom line is I can't be around a bickering couple. I can't take it. It stresses me to no end, and then some. Now that I've given my opinion, which is to get counsel, it seems to my nervous system that the only choices I have if they start bicking again is to slap them silly, scream until they stop, or enable them. None of these seem feasible. So I'm sad that they've chosen a less-than life and bugged because they don't have to live off the crumbs from the Master's table but are choosing to. And I just can't take the stress of watching it, and even if I could, I'd still have lost them because it's like they aren't even them. I hate when satan gets even a temporary victory.

So I'm saddened, praying and bugged--and now I've vented.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

People cannot be helped when they don't want to be. Do you find it odd that your friend would reject counseling? And being friends with him for longer and her more recently puts you in a precarious postition, no? I agree about not being around bickering people and not wanting to be in the middle. I find myself here (in the middle) all too often and I am NEVER wanting to be there. I get put there by others. It is sad, but maybe they will work it out, and by you stepping back, maybe it will be easier to work it out. It does always suck though, in my opinion, whenever this happens to friendships. I have learned that people come into your life sometimes, for a season and sometimes for a lifetime and we don't always know which its going to be, so we have to enjoy it while it lasts and move on when it crumbles or life causes it to change as in the case with your friends.

And YES you are correct that women do need to talk out their problems.

 

[blackribbon]

Sorry that it has to be so tough. If either calls, tell that you can't be a sounding board for anything that has to do with their marriage UNTIL they have entered into counseling. Any other topics are acceptable. Then step back and just pray for them. You are wise in recognizing the limitations you have in this friendship and I'm sorry that you have been placed in this hard place.

 

[dayhiker]

Bummer miss-a.
But I'm glad you came here to vent. Sounds like its a good time to work on letting go of what you can't control.
I tend to not get involved in others problems, but if I was in your shoes and looking for my next more to help them. I'd be waiting for an opportunity to looking him in the eye and say something to the effect that you need to get counseling before you hurt your marriage. My 1st impression is that he is ashamed that they are having these problems. Ya, we all do, suck it up and go get someone to get your heard on straight. ... to him.

 

[MorkandMindy]

sorry, I'd go the exact opposite way on this

do talk to both of them (separately or together) but only about the good times they've had and the good times they'd like to have

 

[Catherineanne]

Well, gang, I appreciate you being here. I've got to vent just a little. Did you know it is a physiological fact that women need to talk about their stress or they will otherwise internalize it and develop physical disease. That's your free trivia tip of the day!

Okay, so venting: I feel like I lost two friends today. They've actually been gone for a while, but I just listened to a voicemail that seems to make it official.

My good friend married a lovely woman recently. I realized at the time that meant I would have much more limited time with him, but I was okay with that because I was so happy that he found someone so nice. Then his new wife and I became friends so it seemed I'd gained a friend, which was really nice. But then a few months down the road they started having problems, just newlywed, lack-of-communication stuff that could be easliy solved with a bit of pastoral counseling. So yesterday she wanted to vent to me about the most recent issues they're having. I let her vent some, but I always feel like I'm strattling the line of gossip, because he is also my friend and they should be talking to each other, not me.

So anyway, I suggested counseling and she was all for it, was even going to go get some guidance, even if he wasn't interested in counseling, so she could learn how to live with a husband who wasn't interested. But after making a few calls to her pastor and not being able to reach him, she decided to talk with her husband--who talked her out of counseling. That was what was on the voice mail I just listened to.

So I'm bothered on a number of levels about this, but it's completely out of my control. And the bottom line is I can't be around a bickering couple. I can't take it. It stresses me to no end, and then some. Now that I've given my opinion, which is to get counsel, it seems to my nervous system that the only choices I have if they start bicking again is to slap them silly, scream until they stop, or enable them. None of these seem feasible. So I'm sad that they've chosen a less-than life and bugged because they don't have to live off the crumbs from the Master's table but are choosing to. And I just can't take the stress of watching it, and even if I could, I'd still have lost them because it's like they aren't even them. I hate when satan gets even a temporary victory.

So I'm saddened, praying and bugged--and now I've vented.

I am sorry you are so distressed by this rather selfish couple.

It could be that they are happy as they are, and actually enjoy the drama of constant bickering. They may even enjoy the drama of sucking you into their games, and pulling your emotional strings; there are more such people around than you might realise.

I think you are wise to back away from this particular game, and put some distance between you. If they do not want to find a solution, and prefer to carry on with the games, then they can do that on their own. You don't need it.

I hope you find some more healthy friends before too long. You sound very caring, so it really should not take you long.

 

[MorkandMindy]

'As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.' (Proverbs 23 v7)


If they talking thinking about their problems they will remember them forever and think of a whole load more and how inconsiderate the other one must have been and so on.

And people think about what they talk about.


If I listed all the bad things that had happened between me and someone I've known for many years you would be amazed we even talk, and so would I.

If I listed all the good things that we had done over those years you would be amazed we don't spend all of our time together.

 

[miss-a]

Thanks for your support. Someone had mentioned prayer for healthy friends, and I so appreciate that, because up until recently these were the folks in my life filling that catagory. So my already sparse social life feels even more sparse now. But I do alright with time alone. And as I said on another thread, Jesus is up to something. And with Him it's always something good.

I'm doing okay with it now. But, note to self: never listen to voicemails just before bed.

Thanks, friends. Blessings on you!
a