Bitter/sweet guilt

definitely will pray! I totally get what you're saying about all of it. My husband was the one that led other people to Christ. Even on his death bed he led one of his close friends in the sinner's prayer and he was serious about it. I, on the other hand, have never led anyone to the Lord, so I could not understand why I was still here and him gone.
It sounds good to be able to "not remember" so to avoid the pain, but there is a reason for it as unbearable as it is, it will eventually help you to move past it. I believe everything happens for a reason. My father in law used to live with us and he died at age 63 from multiple myeloma (cancer in your blood). That I feel prepared me for my own mother's death 4 years later. She died of breast cancer. And those 2 deaths prepared me for my husband's death 10 years later. I'm not saying you are being prepared to handle other deaths. I'm more saying that it IS to serve some purpose. Whether that purpose will be to help your sister and mother or someone you may not even know yet or it could be just to make you stronger and more dependant on the Lord. The purpose I wouldn't know and I'm not sure of my purpose in going thru it except that eventually especially right now, I am learning to lean more heavily on the Lord instead of people and I feel closer than ever to Him. And I quit trying to figure out WHY things happen, or how God will work out situations, because I am NEVER right and I guess THAT was the lesson for me, that I cannot figure things out lol. And sometimes (well most times for me) I never know it when I'm in the forest, but when I come out on the other side, I can see how God was teaching me, guiding me, comforting me, protecting me. But everything in good time. In fact, it's ONE day at a time. So try not to figure things out, because you can't. Just do what you've been doing and for your kids I think it's important for them to be able to verbalize how they feel and please know it is completely OK and NORMAL and even good for them to see you cry when you are sad. It will let them know its OK when THEY feel sad. Otherwise they might feel like they shouldn't be sad cuz it might hurt you or not be accepted. So they need to be able to express it too and for my kids, my younger one let it out earlier and more often than the older one (they were 11 and 8 when he died) held things in and to this day (he's 17) he still has anger issues. But he's aware and working on it.

Softbreeze said:

Thank you memoriesbymichele, I like the fact that I can open up hear. I never thougth about who is watching but people really are watching. I know the people at my job are really amazed how I have handled the loss. I don't see that I ever handled it well. I just know I need to move on for my kids. Today wasn't good day for me. I just kept thinking about my husband off and on all day. I just kept getting the realization that he is really gone. These feelings kept hitting me. I know this may sound weird but I wish I could forget him because it hurts too much. I know I should not question God but its always why? I appreciate everyones commits because I have someone else perspective other then my own. In all of this I am trying to get close to God. Its hard because I feel like there are times I can't let go the fact that my husband is gone. That God did not allow him to live. I know I need to put my faith in him. Please pray for me and I pray that others who are mourning come through all of this too. Sometimes I feel we all need a buddy system so we can check up on each other (smile). Like how are you today and fill in ( ) the blank.

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Softbreeze, it is normal to think about your husband off and on during the day. It will probably happen more often since the holidays are drawing nearer. The grieving process is very hard and hurts a lot. I wish it did not have to be that way and it could all just be by passed. Remember, even though it does not feel like it, it will get easier as time goes by.

It took me quite a while to get over the feeling that at any moment my husband would be coming home. I also wondered why he had to die. He was in perfect health until he was diagnoised with his two brain tumors. He was very out going and lived life to the fullest. It did not make sense to me. With the help of God I stopped wondering why and just accepted it.

Just have faith in trusting God. He only knows the reason for why things happen. Do not rely on human reasoning.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Dear Soft Breeze,

Thanks so much for sharing about your husband with us. You are so sweet and I think your husband knows that with all his heart, but I'm sure that the doctors would tell you that a brain tumor itself can also be the cause of some very strange moods and even behaviors that are not really characteristic of the man you married. I bet he is really sorry for his meanness, and he hopes you can understand that. You did what God wanted-- and you honored him and loved him in sickness and in health. In the end, I'm sure you will be blessed for your faithfulness. I know it's still fresh in your mind (only 5 months) like my husband's death is (he died only 6 weeks ago). I hope it gets better for all of us. My husband was diagnosed early October with a rare neurological disease that caused some dementia and within three weeks he was dead. I didn't have any advanced warning of anything like this, but now my whole life is changed and I miss him so much. I only keep trusting God by thinking that He must have a reason that will be so good in the future that I will be glad for this sorrow now. Anyway, I'll pray for you as I am for all who have been sharing their stories. I'm also too "young" to be a widow in my fifties and we were only married for ten years. Oh well. We have to pray each other through the holidays.