Bipolar and Psychotic experience

[Zonto]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum. I was part of another forum but it was not a religious one, so I'm glad to be a part of this one.

Well here's my story.

I was diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 16 and have had it now for 8 years. I am a quiet and humble person by nature but during my manic episode I became the opposite of that.

Earlier on this year I had my second relapse and it happened at varsity infront of a lot of people. I was really humbled and embarrassed when I came back to my senses 6 weeks later.

The scariest thing is that I had a religious delusion in which I was convinced that I was one of the two witnesses spoken of in Revelations 11. It was really bad bein in my own world. Now dealing with things after everything that has happened is very difficult. I was an outgoing christian and witness. Now I'm very introverted and have been spending a lot of time by myself in my room.

Internet has become a problem for me because I have become addicted to unclean internet sites. This has become a problem because it gets in the way of my elationship with God. I repent, but eventually find myself doing the same things over and over again.

Part of the reason I struggle is because of the humliating relapse I had and dealing with it. Its kind of like using alcohol to bury problems except in my case its the internet sites. Its hard for me to tell people close to me. I want to overcome this without hurting and dissapointing those I love.

 

[Alive again]

Hi, and welcome to CF!! YOu bring up some very good questions.

Number one-unclean internet sites-there is a forum on cf for those who struggle with that as well. But accountability is a key. Find a filter and a accountability buddy. We have a filter for our home site, but at work and public or school site may not have those. It is wonderful that you have figured out that part of what is feeding that is your embarassment from the psychotic break you had.

Psychotic breaks, they are embarassing, but they can happen with any mental illness. For us as Christians we can become embarrassed even more when they involve religious delusions. It will take time for you to processs this. Do you have a counselor to work with??? Are they Christian??? One of the biggest tools I use in battling my thinking errors that are a symptom of the physical illness I have (BP) is truth. where do I as a Christin find truth??? God's Word. It sounds like you know all this, but your concern is I have been a strong witness and now I have made a fool of myself and it even involved my faith, HOw can I ever witness again???? Di I reead you right. FOr me the answer has always been, the power of weakness-for when we are weak then HE is strong. Take what time you need to heal, but speak the truth to others about what happened. You have an opportunity to share a Christian persepctive on mental illness. You have an opportunity to show others that they don't have to be perfect to get God to love them, That is not by works but by faith. This can eventually become a tool to witness to others of God's saving grace. Allow God's light and love to shine in. God does not love you less because you had a religious delusion. Run to God with your confusion and pain and ask Him to show you how to heal and how to use this. A delsuion of walls on fire or bugs crawling on you or of being one of th witnesses in Revelaitons 11 all come form the same place-misfiring chemicals and neurons that impact your thinking and scrqamble your thoughts. So do not let these occurences prevent you from sharing that God loves us all and does not wish for anyone to perish. Let the Holy Spirit guide you.

Father God, thank you for Zonto finding this forum. We ask that you would pour out your Holy Spirit to comfort and to guide him during this time. Father, He desires to serve you and to witness for you , but is hurting and concerned about what happened. Send your Holy Spirit to comfort him and restore him. Father God renew his mind, help him to see himself through your eyes, help him to know that you are glorified through him and his life, even when his illness has embarassed him in front of others. Lord let him see that you have a plan and a futre for him in serving you so that he might bring glory to your name!!!

In Jesus name AMen!!!

I am up early and tired (not sleeping well right now) so if I ramble or don't explain myself very well, forgive me. Others, more eloquent than I will post as well.

 

[rushingwind62]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum. I was part of another forum but it was not a religious one, so I'm glad to be a part of this one.

Well here's my story.

I was diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 16 and have had it now for 8 years. I am a quiet and humble person by nature but during my manic episode I became the opposite of that.

Earlier on this year I had my second relapse and it happened at varsity infront of a lot of people. I was really humbled and embarrassed when I came back to my senses 6 weeks later.

The scariest thing is that I had a religious delusion in which I was convinced that I was one of the two witnesses spoken of in Revelations 11. It was really bad bein in my own world. Now dealing with things after everything that has happened is very difficult. I was an outgoing christian and witness. Now I'm very introverted and have been spending a lot of time by myself in my room.

Internet has become a problem for me because I have become addicted to unclean internet sites. This has become a problem because it gets in the way of my elationship with God. I repent, but eventually find myself doing the same things over and over again.

Part of the reason I struggle is because of the humliating relapse I had and dealing with it. Its kind of like using alcohol to bury problems except in my case its the internet sites. Its hard for me to tell people close to me. I want to overcome this without hurting and dissapointing those I love.

Zonto,
I can really relate to your story because I too have gone psychotic and lost a period of two weeks. I wasn't diagnoisised until I was 39 and didn't know I was bp until I had a pyschotic episode. It was after 9 11, I hadn't slept for several days because all I could do was watch the news. Well after several days of not sleeping I found myself standing at my bedroom window yelling something about Bin Laden. I lived with my parents at the time and they called the emt's who took me to the hospital and admitted me to the behavioral ward. I too thought I was a prophet of God and was telling people all kind of strange things and doing things totally out of characteristics of me. I was that way for two weeks. That has been the only psychotic episode I have ever had and I hope it will be the last.

Anyway they diagnosised me as being bi polar and put me on a regiment of meds that helped me immediately and made me and my family realize I have always been BP. Since then I have undergone some med changes and put on disability. I still fall apart when I get under any kind of stress but am pretty stable when things are going smoothly.

It has been a long hard road since that time, but God has been with me on this whole journey. He has delivered me from addiction to drugs and alcoholism and I can tell you I feel so much better now. I suggest you don't drink or do drugs as they interfere with the meds. Both drugs and alcohol are depressants and they null out the anti depressant meds. I have been in counseling since that first episode and have learned new ways to deal with my illness and life in general. So I highly recommend counseling as well. It will help you with some of your fears and humiliation you feel.

My prayers are with you and if you need a friend pm me anytime....God Bless You...Rush

 

[Zonto]

Zonto,
I can really relate to your story because I too have gone psychotic and lost a period of two weeks. I wasn't diagnoisised until I was 39 and didn't know I was bp until I had a pyschotic episode. It was after 9 11, I hadn't slept for several days because all I could do was watch the news. Well after several days of not sleeping I found myself standing at my bedroom window yelling something about Bin Laden. I lived with my parents at the time and they called the emt's who took me to the hospital and admitted me to the behavioral ward. I too thought I was a prophet of God and was telling people all kind of strange things and doing things totally out of characteristics of me. I was that way for two weeks. That has been the only psychotic episode I have ever had and I hope it will be the last.

Anyway they diagnosised me as being bi polar and put me on a regiment of meds that helped me immediately and made me and my family realize I have always been BP. Since then I have undergone some med changes and put on disability. I still fall apart when I get under any kind of stress but am pretty stable when things are going smoothly.

It has been a long hard road since that time, but God has been with me on this whole journey. He has delivered me from addiction to drugs and alcoholism and I can tell you I feel so much better now. I suggest you don't drink or do drugs as they interfere with the meds. Both drugs and alcohol are depressants and they null out the anti depressant meds. I have been in counseling since that first episode and have learned new ways to deal with my illness and life in general. So I highly recommend counseling as well. It will help you with some of your fears and humiliation you feel.

My prayers are with you and if you need a friend pm me anytime....God Bless You...Rush

Alive again thanks for the reply. I did go to the alternative section concerning my internet problem and that was the highlight of the day.

Why it was a highlight is because I learned the reason behind my bipolar and other problems I have. The thing is I have been finding glory in myself and not enough on God. When I focus on myself I see my sin, which leads to guilt... even for forgiven sins. I focuss on my successes and my failures. In my Christian walk, I try to appear strong and spiritually mature, thats part of the reason I have such great respect from people because of my appearance of being a tough Christian.

Dont get me wrong I have been walking with The Lord, and I guess I have weeds that are preventing me from bearing good fruit. As difficult as the experience has been, I am humbled and glad because God loves me so much, that He will do anything to bring into a right relationship with Him. Its his kindness that leads us to repentance. Its not easy and it is a tough lesson, but He is with me and I have seen His hand in my life and I love Him. It is taking me a while to walk strong but I will lift my eyes up to The Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

Thanks for your encouragements friends. I look forward to growing with all of you.

 

[berry2000]

Dear Zonto,

Big welcome to our group. We are glad to have you with us. Sounds like you really when through something very difficult. Lots of us here can relate to having an episode that turns our lives upside down. Mine usually is with depression but it is no less damaging.

As far as the internet thing. I know that it can be a VERY ADDICTIVE thing. My husband struggles as a Christian with that addiction. Personally I don't know too much about it, I try to keep away from it cuz it upset me and hurts my feelings. My husband started this when he was single but has not been able to free himself from it. Yes there is a forumn here that deals with that and they also may be of some help. Also there is a program my husband tried called SETTING THE CAPTIVES FREE. He didn't complete it but I believe it helped bring him closer to healing.

Alive again what kind of filter do you use? Cuz all the ones we have tried are terrible. They make everything slow and filter out too much. If you have a good one I'd love to know the name.

 

[Alive again]

Dear Zonto,

Big welcome to our group. We are glad to have you with us. Sounds like you really when through something very difficult. Lots of us here can relate to having an episode that turns our lives upside down. Mine usually is with depression but it is no less damaging.

As far as the internet thing. I know that it can be a VERY ADDICTIVE thing. My husband struggles as a Christian with that addiction. Personally I don't know too much about it, I try to keep away from it cuz it upset me and hurts my feelings. My husband started this when he was single but has not been able to free himself from it. Yes there is a forumn here that deals with that and they also may be of some help. Also there is a program my husband tried called SETTING THE CAPTIVES FREE. He didn't complete it but I believe it helped bring him closer to healing.

Alive again what kind of filter do you use? Cuz all the ones we have tried are terrible. They make everything slow and filter out too much. If you have a good one I'd love to know the name.

I use family safe internet. http://4safe.net/index.htm I have used it for years-and I am still on dial up, so I can't tell you if it is slow or not as everything is SLOW!!!! So I am not sur eif you would be interested or not.

 

[angelkiss]

Welcome to CF!!
I'm sure you'll find that this is a great support group here and we're all one big happy family!
I've managed to get through a few episodes and part of getting through that is the wonderful support and prayers I've received here.
Hope you enjoy it as much as I (and others) have.
's and es!!

P.S.
Maybe once you get used to things here, it'll help ya stay outta those sites you'd rather not be in. I know that I practically live here!

 

[COVINABP]

Well, not that I was going to those kind of sights (though I used to b4 marraige and what a hard thing it was to kick!) but I spnt a lot of time on ebay, a LOT of time, and now, like angelkiss, I spend LOADS of time here, so many helpfull catagories to look @ & all. I'm sure my time spent here will go down signifigantly once my wife comes home as we are separated & have been for 9+ weeks.

Nice to have ya here & God Bless!

William

 

[sadandlonely]

Dear Zonto,
i can really relate to using external "things" to cover my emotions. Whether it's feelings of inadequacy, delusions of grandeur, or any other "uncomfortable"
feeling.
My biggest problem has always been what i satirically call "better living through chemistry", by which i mean get prescriptions for medications that enhance one's mood, or deliver a feeling of utopia. i rationalized this by telling myself i did have the symptoms for which this drug was prescribed. I'll never really know if that was true because i never have to come out and ask for the drugs, they are always offered, but it is my responsibility to decline the offer if the danger of my abusing them is real.
My situation sort of mirrors what you are going through with the "nasty" web sites. i think you, like me, are looking for something on the outside to make me feel whole on the inside. The main difference is you are looking for better living through electronics.
A few good questions that you may ask yourself are: Do these sites fill any of my needs in a positive way? Does feeling guilty about viewing them help me achieve positive self-esteem? The most important one is:What am i hiding from?
i don't know what meds you are on, nor is it my business. i however had to try a number of different kinds before i achieved some sense of normalcy. The rest of the recovery is the result of hard work, as in taking direction from Christian Principles, and the experts He has put in my life.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

[sadandlonely]

Dear Zonto.
When I replied to you the other day I realized I left 1 very important thing out. In order to gain control over my disease i must be extremely vigilant with regards to the symptoms, which a lot of times requires staying in contact with either healthcare professionals or close friends who know what to look for because this disease is very insidious and can fly underneath my radar, causing me to be lost without even knowing it.
I truly believe that God put these people in my life in order to help me with my difficulities. Some may say this is the Lord working in mysterious ways, but it makes perfect sense to me.
I think that if I was in constant 2 way verbal contact with God, it would be a sign of an even deeper mental illness. I feel that God works in a literal sense, by that i mean He guides me by giving me the information needed to solve the problem, then"checks" me out by seeing how i react to said situation. For example, do i throw in the towel? Do i fight until He allows me victory? or do i do self-destructive things, wheteher physical or psychological?(i find the psychological self-destruction is the worst kind, with the pain and guilt disappearing only when i offset it with doing positive things for others and myself, just as i feel He wants me to do.
I don't profess to know you outside of the parameters of your bi-polar causing psychotic symptoms, but i firmly believe that the human experience is universal, albeit literal in most instances, therefore i believe i can relate to your plight and hope you can use some things from my experience to help you.
I'm going to say good luck, but i believe luck is when opportunity meets preparation, and May The Lord Bless and give you the tools necessary to find the happiness i believe you deserve.
P.S. I go under the name sadandlonely not because that's how i feel most of the time, but because that's how i can feel when i'm in the throes of depression.