Big life change after marriage?

[needinghelp123]

Imagine you start dating someone, and you have a lot in common. You've never been so happy, and 4 years later, you've been married over a year.

Now, imagine you are not very religious, you believe in a higher being, but more so in science and evolution, etc. You always knew your signifigant other was somewhat religious growing up, went to church/bible school regularly, and even has 1 "extremely religious" friend who they've lost touch with (but the friend is the classic "southern baptist" type). This difference never seemed to matter to either of you. You have a good time out with your wife, going out with friends, etc. Everything seems A-OK.

Now, a year and 1/2 into the marriage, your spouse suddenly "regains touch" with that religious part of themselves, in A BIG WAY. We're talking serious baptist christian here. (Basically, begins only listening to Christian music, only listens to the christian radio station when she initially wanted to WORK FOR the alternative station in town, reads the bible every morning and every night, regains touch with their religious friend, and they start hanging out for "bible studies", they completely stop drinking or wanting to go party with friends at all, talks about doing missionary work overseas, etc.) Also keep in mind both of you are only in your early 20's.

This is the one "big life change" that I cannot say anything about, because if you do, you look like you are badmouthing religion. This change is driving a wedge between you and your spouse, and it's one that cannot be touched. (For those of you who aren't religious, keep in mind that the highly religious put God above EVERYTHING, even their spouse). She seems ok with it, because she seems to believe I'll be "saved" one day... but there's just so many hoops my logical mind has to jump through to believe some of these things.

This is hurting our marriage a lot, and it's something that really can't be changed. Help! What would you do?

 

[WashedClean]

Hi there needinghelp123!

Welcome to CF. I hope you will get some of the help you need here.

I'm in the same situation your wife is in. My husband and I were married for 10 years when I became a Christian. We just celebrated our 14th wedding anniv. last week, so this has been our story for the last 4 years.

Have you spoken with your wife about her conversion to Christ? When I first became a Christian, I was very zealous and pushed my husband a bit. Not too much, but more than I should have. I quickly realized it wasn't working and backed off. For the most part, he is happy that I've found peace with God and understands quite a bit of where I'm coming from. I go to church each week without him. Occasionally I will ask if he wants to come, but when he declines, I don't get upset or disappointed.

Let me try to explain a little how your wife is feeling. If you believed (knew in your heart) you had the cure for cancer, and all your friends and family members had it, wouldn't you want them to experience it too? That's how we feel when we receive the forgiveness of God through His Son. We want everyone to experience the same. Unfortunately, we don't always go about it the right way and it turns people off to Jesus.

You have to realize that religion has nothing to do with it. It's about a relationship. God doesn't want our "religion", he wants our heart. Your wife has been born again. Labels such as "Southern Baptist", Protestant, Catholic, etc. mean nothing to God. He wants us to believe in His Son and accept His sacrifice for our sins.

Sorry, got off on a tangent. I really feel for you and your wife because I know how each of you feels to some extent. Speak with your wife about your concerns. I try to maintain a balance and spend quality time with my husband. You're right, God will come first in her life now. But the Bible tells us that we are not to abandon our unbelieving spouse. Please talk with her and try not to attack her faith. Give her a chance to explain her feelings. You should not feel threatened by her faith because she will start to become more and more like Jesus - loving, peaceful, gentle, etc. This takes time though, so don't expect it overnight!

It may not feel like it now, but consider yourself blessed to be married to a godly woman. You will benefit from her relationship with God, even if you don't believe it now.

Please feel free to pm me if you want.

God bless,

Jill

 

[needinghelp123]

I appreciate the response, it's nice to hear. I am very open minded about the faith, and I've attended church with her nearly every Sunday since this began in an attempt to understand... it's just that the church seems so "negative" to me, and I feel bad nearly everytime I leave it. It seems like everytime we go, all I hear is "You are going to hell if you don't: a, b, c...". ALL my friends have the same beliefs as me at this point, and it seems like if I believe what I'm hearing each Sunday, 90% of America will be going to hell, so I guess if I have to go to hell, I'll be in good company.

She's not pressuring me by any means, and I understand she wants to share her faith with me... it's just such a drastic change from when we first got married. I do feel I'm blessed in a way, because I'm not at all paranoid she'll cheat on me, etc... but being a young guy, I do enjoy going out with friends and drinking occasionally, and I enjoyed doing that with my wife, but she's now completely against drinking and other things we enjoyed. Now I know I didn't marry her because we had a good time partying together... I just feel like she's judging me a bit because I do enjoy these things.

In the long run, I'm sure it'll be better with her being this way, and I'm sure our kids will be very well behaved, I wish I'd have gotten exposure to this while I was young so I could develop the "blind faith", but I just didn't. Makes me wonder if I'll ever believe... and it's stressful on us both. And this newfound faith makes me weary of having kids at this point, because if this continues to tear us apart, I can't imagine getting kids involved.

 

[WashedClean]

I appreciate the response, it's nice to hear. I am very open minded about the faith, and I've attended church with her nearly every Sunday since this began in an attempt to understand... it's just that the church seems so "negative" to me, and I feel bad nearly everytime I leave it. It seems like everytime we go, all I hear is "You are going to hell if you don't: a, b, c...". ALL my friends have the same beliefs as me at this point, and it seems like if I believe what I'm hearing each Sunday, 90% of America will be going to hell, so I guess if I have to go to hell, I'll be in good company.

She's not pressuring me by any means, and I understand she wants to share her faith with me... it's just such a drastic change from when we first got married. I do feel I'm blessed in a way, because I'm not at all paranoid she'll cheat on me, etc... but being a young guy, I do enjoy going out with friends and drinking occasionally, and I enjoyed doing that with my wife, but she's now completely against drinking and other things we enjoyed. Now I know I didn't marry her because we had a good time partying together... I just feel like she's judging me a bit because I do enjoy these things.

In the long run, I'm sure it'll be better with her being this way, and I'm sure our kids will be very well behaved, I wish I'd have gotten exposure to this while I was young so I could develop the "blind faith", but I just didn't. Makes me wonder if I'll ever believe... and it's stressful on us both. And this newfound faith makes me weary of having kids at this point, because if this continues to tear us apart, I can't imagine getting kids involved.

Hi again!

Maybe you could try another church? It's important for people to know the truth about hell, but it's not something that should be the focus of all the preaching. Could you speak with a pastor about it?

As far as drinking goes, Jesus drank wine. It's not a sin to drink, but it is a sin to get drunk. If your wife feels convicted that she shouldn't, then that's between her and God. Tell her you feel like she's judging you. She may not even realize it. The thing that may take her a while to realize is that you aren't going to have the same convictions about things that she does because you're in a different place spiritually right now. Ask her to be patient. It's great that you're attending church with her. How I wish I could get my husband to come!

I know what you mean about the stress and pressure, even if it's not coming from her. Faith doesn't have to be blind. I was 34 years old before I accepted Christ. Can I make a suggestion? If you like to read, I would recommend a couple of books by Lee Strobel (the Case for Christ, the Case for Faith, etc). He was in the same boat as you are (his wife became a Christian) and he was an award winning journalist with the Chicago Times. He set out to prove Christianity false (he was an athiest). He ended up believing in Christ and accepting Him. I'm not telling you this to add more pressure, but you may find his books helpful. A lot of people find them compelling.

Give yourself time. As long as you're open, that's a good start. You can ask God to reveal Himself to you. It probably won't be a burning bush , but you would be surprised how He can answer that prayer!

God bless you as you seek to understand...

Jill

 

[needinghelp123]

I wish there was a burning bush... something physical and tangible would be great. There's just SO many questions I have that cannot be answered by anyone of faith, and that's what's so frusterating to me. They may just be stupid questions, but they hold me back from being able to believe as it's explained to me now... it seems everyone's answers to these questions are: "I don't have an answer for that. You just have to have faith." If that's the best answer that Christians can muster, and comparing that to the proof that science has given me just doesn't make sense... it's hard for me to believe anything without using reason and logic.

 

[£amb]

I met my husband over 15yrs. ago. I was your classic "Southern Baptist" and he was not a believer. We instantly fell in love and we were married soon after. He believed there was a God, but never went to church. He also had a hard time with believing in just "faith". After a couple years in our marriage, we moved away from home. In the whole time we were gone (5plusyrs.), we never set foot in a church. In all those years I felt the Holy Spirit tugging at me.."why aren't you in church/why aren't you relying on God?". I totally put it off. After those 5yrs. we moved back home. The Holy Spirit started working on my heart again. At this time...we had a 2yr. old boy and another on the way. We started back to church...but it was very difficult getting back into the "church thing". Slowly we started attending a Sunday School Class. It helped tremendously with my spiritual self. I felt God calling me into a teaching ministry, and have not regretted it one bit. Total blessing!

As for my husband, he had his doubts, but the truth started pulling at his heart. He knew God was calling him. He too had many questions, but they have and are slowly being revealed to him through studying and going to church. Last summer, my husband and oldest son (10yrs. old) walked forward in church and soon after were baptised. He said..."had I never met you..then I would have never met God".

I'm not saying this is exactly what is going to happen to you. But you and your wife are going to have to work this through. It's not something that you can ignore or just walk away from. This situation is going to be there everyday. You know she is praying for you. She's probably just as stressed and scared about this. I know...I was the "saved" wife in my marriage. I was afraid that it was going to split us up...I prayed and cried earnestly everyday for him!

 

[Carri20]

it's just that the church seems so "negative" to me, and I feel bad nearly everytime I leave it. It seems like everytime we go, all I hear is "You are going to hell if you don't: a, b, c...".

I agree with the person who said maybe you should find another church. It's not that the message isn't true--the Bible is clear that the only way to escape hell is to accept Jesus Christ as your savior. But hearing about hell continuously can get depressing even for believers, and takes the focus off of the joy God wants us to have. Have you ever tried a Pentecostal church? If there's an Assembly of God near you, you and your wife might want to check it out some time. I've been to about 4 or 5 of them over the course of my life and have found them to be very positive and very uplifting, even to visitors and nonbelievers. The pastors are cheerful and very funny. Sometimes I think my current pastor could be a stand-up comic. It breaks the monotony, anyway. Just a suggestion. As for the big life change, it sounds like you're trying hard to keep your relationship with your wife strong, and she's blessed for that. Some men would just walk away. My best advice would be to first of all not give up on the relationship, second keep the lines of communication open and honest, and third respect her relationship with God and at least have enough faith to believe everything will turn out ok. Because it will, unless you don't let it. Anyway good luck, and I'll say a prayer for you. =)

 

[NothingButTheBlood]

It nice to know we "Southern Baptist" are thought so highly of.

 

[Carri20]

I've never been one so I can't think one way or the other of you lol... The way I see it, if you're saved then it must work for you and I think that's great!

 

[tryniti]

Somehow, it double posted me...so yeah...maybe admin would do something about that?

 

[tryniti]

I wish there was a burning bush... something physical and tangible would be great. There's just SO many questions I have that cannot be answered by anyone of faith, and that's what's so frusterating to me. They may just be stupid questions, but they hold me back from being able to believe as it's explained to me now... it seems everyone's answers to these questions are: "I don't have an answer for that. You just have to have faith." If that's the best answer that Christians can muster, and comparing that to the proof that science has given me just doesn't make sense... it's hard for me to believe anything without using reason and logic.

Just a note, I've never been married(a little young) so I haven't been through any of this, but I know the pains of a good friend not being a christian

The books that Washed clean suggested are great for giving logical, reasonable proof for Christ, Faith and creation. I have really enjoyed what I have read thus far by him, not that its highly entertaining or amusing, but it is so compete in its account and research. He went to both sides to find the answers, and what he shares in his book is a very straight-forward look at these issues. I accepted Christ as a youngling, a bit of the "blind faith" there, but as i've gotten older I've looked, I've tested the waters, and have found that this is the real deal. another known atheist was Josh McDowell, set out to prove christianily false, and realized that it was real. I commend you for being so willing and open minded about this, your wife is truly blessed. Ask God to reveal His truth to you, he will in time. I will be praying for you and your wife

Tryn

 

[OrthodoxyUSA]

I would encourage you to explore Orthodoxy TOGETHER....

You may find a very happy stand for the both of you....

My web page has several links that might help get you started.

Christ is Risen!

Forgive me....

 

[heron]

Every church has its own personality, so don't feel like you have to find the "right" denomination. I agree too; you might ask your wife if she would mind hopping around to see different trains of thought and modes of worship. She has probably settled with friends, so that might not work well.

Comments on the change...remember that when you're dating, people mirror each other too much, trying to impress each other and connect. She might have had more Christian stirrings under the surface. In any case, it's typical to hit a one-year mark, or two year, where you've settled in and are seeing each other as normal individuals rather than the great couple you were. You still are.

Some people divorce when they are shocked into this reality--what did I get myself into, what did our love turn into. You each have become stronger about asserting who you are and what you want in life, and it doesn't always match.

That's okay. A strong marriage doesn't need to be gushy and connected or in agreement every minute. You are still safe if she spends time with people she enjoys; that's your opportunity to go take a drive, golf, go car shopping, read a book, whatever. Her activity has nothing to do with her love and dedication to you. A happy spouse is a good thing for the household. If she's an extrovert, the social life would have burst out of some other crack anyway.

 

[ChristianDude777]

I wish there was a burning bush... something physical and tangible would be great. There's just SO many questions I have that cannot be answered by anyone of faith, and that's what's so frusterating to me. They may just be stupid questions, but they hold me back from being able to believe as it's explained to me now... it seems everyone's answers to these questions are: "I don't have an answer for that. You just have to have faith." If that's the best answer that Christians can muster, and comparing that to the proof that science has given me just doesn't make sense... it's hard for me to believe anything without using reason and logic.

Hi,

There's hope for your marriage and your life.

Concerning the partying and drinking, those are small things to give up for the sake of your beloved. Without sounding harsh, I'm sure you realize that you stepped into adult shoes when you got married. Family first. Partying and drikning won't make sacrifices for you and be there when you need them like family will.

But anyway, back to my point.

Can you present the questions you have here..? Maybe they can be answered.

Tim L.

 

[needinghelp123]

Thanks for all the good advice... I agree that I'll talk to her about this and let you all know what happens. Also, I'll "compile" a list of some of my questions and just throw em' out here and see what, if any, can be answered.

 

[heron]

When people approach religions from the outside, they scrutinize the believability of it--that's natural. You should scrutinize, and you can even admit these incongruities directly to God. Ask him to explain them to you, or help you make sense of them.

Sometimes you'll find that a church has a dogma that wasn't completely based on scriptures. We all try to stay focused and pure, but slip and slide off track.

Relating to God is the aim of Christianity...not defining the origin of life, or establishing the republican reign, or collecting brownie points for conversions. Caring for others is a side effect. You will find as you draw nearer to God, He will become very real and interactive.

Keep digging through the forum discussions; some of the key topics come up about once per week...you get a good, broad selection of views here. You'll also hear some great stories of how God works in our lives, and cares about the details.

Back on marriage...one of the things that women value, is support from their husbands in their outside goals. This doesn't mean you have to do what they do, or help them get there, but encourage them in their lives outside of the marriage. It's a big deal, especially when women can easily slide into the housekeeper role and the man sees that as their main function in life. It's very demeaning to limit their potential. Church is an area where people can pop in an quickly take on responsibilities that might not be entrusted to them at work, and see immediate rewards. Of course that's not what church is for, but that might be part of what she enjoys about it. It's productive.

About drinking...if you keep it at a safe level, you can retain your own rights to be yourself and meet with your friends. Beware of doing things that will impact her: showing up incoherent when she needs to talk to you about bills, your parents, upcoming trips; losing your license, inevitably her insurance will disappear too; missing dates or showing up late for work, risking your reputation. Remember also that what seemed cute when you're drunk was usually rude to your friends. (Except "I love you, man." That's still cute.)

It's so nice of you to support her by going to church, and allowing her to develop these new outside friendships. Maybe there will be a day that she will need to support you in a comparable change.

 

[£amb]

Thanks for all the good advice... I agree that I'll talk to her about this and let you all know what happens. Also, I'll "compile" a list of some of my questions and just throw em' out here and see what, if any, can be answered.

Okey Dokey...and we'll try to answer as honestly and biblicaly as we can.

 

[WashedClean]

Hi again!

You might want to do a search here on CF to see if some of your questions have already been answered in other threads.

Also, when you get your list together, please feel free to start a fresh thread so we can stay on topic and more people will see your new questions.

Looking forward to hearing your questions and helping you out a bit!

Jill

 

[Anti Existance]

Well , you don't really have to worry about it. You see being married is all about being together, but still letting eachother being able to do their 'own' thing. If she wants to do religious stuff, and devotes herself to the lord, then she is only doing her share of work for the lord. This is just a part of her that you should accept and live with. What is important however , is that you make your own decision towards what you want in your life, and like you respect her religion your wife should respect your views on life. And as long as a BIG wall of RESPECT lies between you for what you two do, you should let it be at ease.

 

[WashedClean]

One thing I wanted to bring up - this is a passage from 1 Corinthians 7:13-15

13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

This means that God sees your marriage as holy - set apart by Him because of your wife's relationship with Him. God can use your marriage to bring Him glory, even if you remain a non-believer. God is sooooo good!