Best Man Issues

[Heartofsilver]

Hello everyone

We have been having issues with my fiancee A's best friend J who is his best man. J takes Facebook and politics extremely serious and he replies to a lot of posts online with brute force type of comments and he tears people down on the internet. And yet, he is a professing Christian and he does treat us very well and he has been very good friends to my fiance which I am glad that they have been friends through thick and thin despite their political differences. But there's been a couple times now where A and I have said something on Facebook and reacted to things that he has said. Recently, he had posted something on Facebook and I had reacted with a laughing emoji and he took it extremely serious. He deleted both my fiancee and I off of his Facebook without saying anything. I would think that J should have asked what I meant and communicated, but instead he just gave us the cold shoulder. And I did talk with him and it turned out as I had thought he completely misunderstood the situation and took things way out of proportion. Also, recently J and his fiancee S have decided that they were going to change the site of their wedding to a completely different state and didn't even notify A and I who they had asked to be their best man and matron of honor and we both just thought it wasn't right that they didn't at least notify us that they were going to be going to another state which after having a talk with them we ended up having a tell them that we're not gonna be able to make it to the wedding since it is out of state in our weddings are back-to-back.

Now his best man is at it again where he was talking on my fiance's Facebook with a friend of ours, had gotten into a heated argument with him and what he recently started saying things on my Facebook and I put a laughing emoji because I just thought that it was just ironic and it was more of a laughing with him kind of thing so, really not sure why he deleted us this time but, again he deleted my fiance and I and his fiancee also deleted us again. I know we do not have the same opinions but, I was really feeling that he has been acting inappropriately and goes to the extreme and simply does not communicate which I really don't appreciate. I also feel in a way that it does disrespect my fiance and I when he acts this way. When we do talk to him about it to clear things up I feel like that's what he wants. That he wants us to come to him and apologized to him. So, we end up being the humble ones in apologizing to him and forgiving them.

Please pray for us and Christian counsel/advice is appropriated. His fiancee and him have been giving us a difficult time as the political tension has been rising and as it is getting closer and closer to our weddings.

 

[Jok]

The online rage thing IMO is a slightly watered down version of the road rage phenomenon. I say watered down because people do still get heated over politics sometimes in person too (whereas you never really scream at people who almost walk into you on the sidewalk lol). But the online political rage definitely seems way more intense online than it is in person!

 

[NerdGirl]

Hello everyone

We have been having issues with my fiancee A's best friend J who is his best man. J takes Facebook and politics extremely serious and he replies to a lot of posts online with brute force type of comments and he tears people down on the internet. And yet, he is a professing Christian and he does treat us very well and he has been very good friends to my fiance which I am glad that they have been friends through thick and thin despite their political differences. But there's been a couple times now where A and I have said something on Facebook and reacted to things that he has said. Recently, he had posted something on Facebook and I had reacted with a laughing emoji and he took it extremely serious. He deleted both my fiancee and I off of his Facebook without saying anything. I would think that J should have asked what I meant and communicated, but instead he just gave us the cold shoulder. And I did talk with him and it turned out as I had thought he completely misunderstood the situation and took things way out of proportion. Also, recently J and his fiancee S have decided that they were going to change the site of their wedding to a completely different state and didn't even notify A and I who they had asked to be their best man and matron of honor and we both just thought it wasn't right that they didn't at least notify us that they were going to be going to another state which after having a talk with them we ended up having a tell them that we're not gonna be able to make it to the wedding since it is out of state in our weddings are back-to-back.

Now his best man is at it again where he was talking on my fiance's Facebook with a friend of ours, had gotten into a heated argument with him and what he recently started saying things on my Facebook and I put a laughing emoji because I just thought that it was just ironic and it was more of a laughing with him kind of thing so, really not sure why he deleted us this time but, again he deleted my fiance and I and his fiancee also deleted us again. I know we do not have the same opinions but, I was really feeling that he has been acting inappropriately and goes to the extreme and simply does not communicate which I really don't appreciate. I also feel in a way that it does disrespect my fiance and I when he acts this way. When we do talk to him about it to clear things up I feel like that's what he wants. That he wants us to come to him and apologized to him. So, we end up being the humble ones in apologizing to him and forgiving them.

Please pray for us and Christian counsel/advice is appropriated. His fiancee and him have been giving us a difficult time as the political tension has been rising and as it is getting closer and closer to our weddings.

Why would you want someone in your wedding party who is volatile, aggressive, and childish? Cut him out. Your wedding plans will go much more smoothly.

 

[Heartofsilver]

Why would you want someone in your wedding party who is volatile, aggressive, and childish? Cut him out. Your wedding plans will go much more smoothly.

We have, he has completely cut us off and as I said he has acted this way before. My fiancee is now searching for a new best man. Thank you all of your input and prayers.

 

[NerdGirl]

We have, he has completely cut us off and as I said he has acted this way before. My fiancee is now searching for a new best man. Thank you all of your input and prayers.

While I'm really sorry that a "friend" is treating you guys this way, I'm glad that you've mutually agreed to proceed with people who will genuinely support you!

 

[bèlla]

HoS,

I'm sorry you're experiencing trouble during a period when you should be looking forward to your wedding and the life you're building. On and off again connections are tiresome. They create a cycle of drama for all parties involved.

While everyone has their off days it's difficult to maintain a relationship with prickly pears or super sensitive people unless you're willing to conform. That means ignoring them or calming their nerves.

At some point the hysterics get old. You're thirty and your friend is having a tantrum or spazzing out. They're doing it because they feel they can. But when they need to keep their cool they don't have a problem doing so. That's my litmus test.

Either you accept being pommeled every now and then or find a healthier friendship. I would pray and seek the Lord's assistance on their behalf. But I wouldn't allow myself to be mistreated. You need to set boundaries if you want him in your life.

Good luck on the wedding and may God bless your union with abundant love and joy.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[Heartofsilver]

Update on this situation:

He texted my fiancee tonight about what has been going on in his mind. So far, it looks like they are patching things up between them. He just seems to be going right back to him, since it is his best friend. But, I really don't like the way he treats us sometimes and I really don't like the way that he can treat him. My finacee is a forgiving person who gives in too easily. He hates conflict even though his best friend starts conflicts which doesn't really make sense to me. I had quit talking to his friend on Facebook, but now I see that I can't even put a reaction without him losing it, so I won't even be doing that. At this point I'm guessing that it's pending on whether or not he will be my fiancee's best man.

 

[NerdGirl]

Why are you keeping these thoughts and concerns to yourself? This is YOUR wedding. This is YOUR husband-to-be. Speak up now or there's a lifetime of keeping your worries and frustrations to yourself until they fester into resentment, for the next fifty years.

 

[Heartofsilver]

Why are you keeping these thoughts and concerns to yourself? This is YOUR wedding. This is YOUR husband-to-be. Speak up now or there's a lifetime of keeping your worries and frustrations to yourself until they fester into resentment, for the next fifty years.

I have tried talking to him about this before and told him the things that I have told you and have said on here.

So, the reason why I'm trying to stay out of this as much as possible while voicing my opinion to my fiancee is because, I have a fear of losing him. I also don't don't want to come off as controlling when it comes to decisions that he want to make includingif he wants his bestfriendto be his best man.

My aunt had told me that long ago, she was engaged to a man who even went as far as introducing her to his extended family. His best friend didn't like her at all. So one day, her fiancee completely quit speaking to her. And when she would so happen to run into him, he would just treat her like she was a regular person, as if nothing happened between them. She warned me to never get between a man and his friends. I have been fearful of the same thing happening to me ever since.

Years ago I was dating my best guy friend, his best friend's fiancee didn't like me or any girl for that matter and so his best friend sided with her. He soon sided with him and broke up with me. It was a double whammy of losing my boyfriend and best friend at the time. I was devastated. I have panicked before over this current situation too, due to this happening and my aunt's previous experience. I can also tell that my fiancee is the type that doesn't like to deal with conflict. He has shown and told me this already. He also gives into sides easily, because it is easier for him.

 

[NerdGirl]

I'm just going to gently point out that starting a marriage full of fear and resentment does not bode well for a healthy and happy future.

 

[Heartofsilver]

Thank you for your concerns NerdGirl123,

Luckily it looks likes things are resolving itself as we go. My fiancee is officially cutting him out of the wedding party. We are also currently in premarital counseling and will be doing couple's therapy as well.