Bereavement - what were your experiences?

salamacum · Oct 14, 2010

I've just lost my father and I've been given secular and spiritual leaflets to read.
The secular one, I am afraid to say, is much more practical at this time. The spiritual one keeps telling me just to 'trust'.

Anyway, the secular booklet tells me about the emotions that will hit me and how surprising they could be, and the order in which they replace each other.

I had shock and horror at his death bed, then anger 2 days later at my perception of his final years' treatment, then grief for 2 days that deadened all other feelings. And now I've got exhaustion and a certain amount of guilt I don't feel grief any more.

And I've still got the funeral. What types of emotion will be expected there?

can anybody else share?

NoelAsa · Oct 14, 2010

My husband died three years ago and there is a whole range of emotions that you will feel for quite a while. It is different for everyone and we all have different experiences to draw from and it also depends on who you lost and what your relationship was with that person.

My husband was very ill with brain cancer for three months before he died. I was his only care giver so I was rather exhausted by the time of his death. I was rather numb by the time of his funeral and don't remember much of it. Everyone will have a different story.

I went to grief counseling with Hospice and I got a lot out of it and it helped in dealing with his death. The most common story was one of not remembering too much about the funeral. Some people broke down and others just shut down.

You have my prayers. I hope that you will seek counseling after his funeral. This will help as you will be experiencing even more emotions for months or years to come.

Aibrean · Oct 20, 2010

There is only hope for Christians so for the dead that are unsaved it becomes especially hard to cope with. I've been to secular funerals, SDA funerals, non-denominational funerals. The best ones I've ever been to were Catholic and Lutheran.

The pastor at a church my husband works at (we used to attend, we moved to a sister church) said this (I'm paraphrasing) at a funeral I attended for one of the members (and I knew the family very well). It was very moving.

The Bible says in Psalms that "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me". The reason for the shadow in the valley would be because there is bright sunlight on the other side. The shadow is not the end. It is only the beginning and we don't stay there. We cross to the other side where the sun is bright.

Personally, I can barely get through any service without crying if I see any kind of emotion (or hear it) from anyone else. Science calls it "mirrored neurons", however since converting to Lutheranism I have begun to have an increased capacity for feeling how others are. I can ball just reading an article.

Alive_Again · Nov 22, 2010

For Christians, I would now refer them to Richard Sigmund's book "My Time in Heaven", a fantastic read, truly a God given experience, with the Holy Spirit bearing witness to its truth. Read it and discover how much what we do means to God. Everything you do is literally recorded. All of your tears are kept in a bottle that are poured over a blank book and what your heart prays are written on the pages. Also, at various important times like weddings and births, our resurrected relatives are allowed to look on and share their joy.

randomhit10 · Nov 23, 2010

this is the conversation God and i had right after my wife passed suddenly...although she had some health issues none were considered
life threathing fo a while to go....she was in terrible pain most of the time
and i found it very hard to watch her suffer....she had a brain aneurysm ....
she was fine when i left for work that morning but i found her when i came
home for lunch....the conversation with God happened later that evening...
i was about crazy when i came home from the hospital...i called on God for
a 1 on 1 right then....He showed up....

9=15-10

i got real mad about what happened and i questioned what God had done....He asked me how i would have liked Me to take her?....He told me that He took her quickly and painless...that in an instant she was with Me....she had asked if I would take her home, that she was tired....and I agreed...she had suffered enough....this was the best way....if you (me) had gone first who would take care of her?....she had trouble doing anything....how would she support herself and the kids?....grandkids?....so tell me how you would rather have Me handle this?...He then told me that i was much stronger than she was and i would have to take the pain....and He told me that "I am with you, always, and i will give you the strength to go on"..... well, i felt very selfish and was only thinking about my own wants...i love my wife dearly and would not for one second want her to suffer.....He showed me that He had been very merciful to my wife, more so than i can ever thank Him for.....

then He said everything I do is not a test....i have a plan and everything I do fits this plan....I gave her to you and the children for a long time....I will show and tell you everything one day and you will understand....but for now you are not able to understand all that I am doing....you will just have to trust me that I have everyone's best at heart....

one more thing....I will never test you more than you can bear, that is the truth....but satan will...remember that he does not play by the rules and anything he can do to tear you away from me, he will try.....I also always give you a way out.....so does satan....remember that he said he will rise up and be like the Most High?....he tries to copy me in every way in order to take you from Me....I offer you a way out where, with just a call, i will carry your load if you give it to Me....just give it to Me....satan will offer you a way out also but it will be in bondage to drugs, alcohol, adultery or any other way he can destroy you....if you don't believe Me then go look for yourself.....go to a shelter where many of my children are lost in drugs or alcohol....they had the same choice....but i will never give up on them and i still call to them up to the last minute....

this last statement may be hard to understand or agree with....and i hope it infuriates satan beyond his endurance.....satan is the reason i found God....had he not, years ago, put on me more than i could bear then i might not have heard Jesus call me....i am so thankful that i decided to call on Jesus instead of taking satan up on his offer of a way out.....this finally came to light with the death of my wife....satan immediately offered me drugs, alcohol, and adultery as a way out of my hurt....he did not know how strong the Hand of God can hold one of us when we call out.....thank You Jesus for being there when i needed you....thank you for being there for my children.....

salamacum · Nov 25, 2010

As I think about my father's last days, I realise that what happened could have been regarded as evil by some radically conservative Christians. (Go and see a thread on the Golden Eagles board about living wills)
I am sure this happens all the time.
My father struggled and was panicking as his strength and health slipped away. He resisted the nurses and fought them. They did have a course of treatment involving strong antibiotics for septicaemia. The nurses told us that he was just being 'restless'. This I've learned is shorthand for the fear and confusion that is felt by people in knowledge of their approaching death.
I was a long way away when the following typical decision was made..
They removed all treatment and gave him a sedative. So when I came in, he was 'peaceful'. They covered the scars of the intrusive drips and needles.
Then they told me that they were allowing him to slip away. Two days before they confided that they felt he might have recovered. But the treatment would have been intrusive and distressing. I think they just gave up fighting him. He wanted two things. To be cured and not to be interfered with. Unfortunately those two were incompatible.
As Christians do you think this was acceptable? To sedate someone who needed in his distress to make his peace with God? There is no evidence he would ever have done it.

NoelAsa · Nov 25, 2010

No I do not find it acceptable, I think it is terrible. My husbands cancer treatment took a turn for the worse and he ended up in the hosptial on a Saturday night. I was not told until Monday afternoon that there was nothing that they could do for him and since he wanted to die at home that I should call Hospice to arrange to have him brought home. It was not until Tuesday that all of the arrangements were made. My husband was in and out of it and wanted to go home. He was pulling out IV's, it was terrible. By the time they were to come get him he was very difficult to handle. The nurses told me to wait in the cafeteria while they got him ready and they would call him me when the ambulance was ready. I didn't want to go, but they told me that my being there was making it worse. I was exhausted so I did as they said. When I got back to the room my husband had been sedated. I believe they had me leave so that they could do this to make their job easier for themselves. My husband lived two days at home, but he was never able to communicate. I feel that they robbed me of that. I do not even like to think of those last four days at the hospital. I felt that they never cared about him. I stayed most of the time with him. I looked out after him. It was hard for me even to get them to come into the room when I needed them. The last time I spoke about this was when I was in grief counseling with Hospice. It hurt me so much what they did to him during his last days. I think the hospital, doctors, and nurses get so used to it that they do not care. I am so sorry about what you went through with your father. You really do need to get into grief counseling. It helped me so much. Praying for you!

randomhit10 · Nov 25, 2010

salamacum said:
I've just lost my father and I've been given secular and spiritual leaflets to read.
The secular one, I am afraid to say, is much more practical at this time. The spiritual one keeps telling me just to 'trust'.

Anyway, the secular booklet tells me about the emotions that will hit me and how surprising they could be, and the order in which they replace each other.

I had shock and horror at his death bed, then anger 2 days later at my perception of his final years' treatment, then grief for 2 days that deadened all other feelings. And now I've got exhaustion and a certain amount of guilt I don't feel grief any more.

And I've still got the funeral. What types of emotion will be expected there?

can anybody else share?

i am sorry about your father.....you will feel many of the same you have already felt except there will be a closure to your feelings....i have received many of the same secular readings that you are getting and they do describe what you will feel but they do not tell you how to cope with them....this is where God came into the picture for me....He gave me the strength to do what i had to do....although i felt overwhelming hurt i felt a sense of calm and comfort that i could not do for myself....i said my final good bye (this is what i mean by closure), proceeded to pick up the pieces by the grace and strength of God and i have been healing since....the healing will not happen overnight as i am still in the healing process and expect to be for a long time...but when i get weak inside i ask Him to give me strength and He does....He is good at His promises....my wife was a praise dancer...she brought comfort to many people who were suffering....i have found peace in the knowledge that she is being comforted as we speak....she said she wanted to dance for Jesus....and i know she is....one day i will see her again....

if you want to talk i will pm you my phone number....

randomhit10 · Nov 25, 2010

NoelAsa said:
No I do not find it acceptable, I think it is terrible. My husbands cancer treatment took a turn for the worse and he ended up in the hosptial on a Saturday night. I was not told until Monday afternoon that there was nothing that they could do for him and since he wanted to die at home that I should call Hospice to arrange to have him brought home. It was not until Tuesday that all of the arrangements were made. My husband was in and out of it and wanted to go home. He was pulling out IV's, it was terrible. By the time they were to come get him he was very difficult to handle. The nurses told me to wait in the cafeteria while they got him ready and they would call him me when the ambulance was ready. I didn't want to go, but they told me that my being there was making it worse. I was exhausted so I did as they said. When I got back to the room my husband had been sedated. I believe they had me leave so that they could do this to make their job easier for themselves. My husband lived two days at home, but he was never able to communicate. I feel that they robbed me of that. I do not even like to think of those last four days at the hospital. I felt that they never cared about him. I stayed most of the time with him. I looked out after him. It was hard for me even to get them to come into the room when I needed them. The last time I spoke about this was when I was in grief counseling with Hospice. It hurt me so much what they did to him during his last days. I think the hospital, doctors, and nurses get so used to it that they do not care. I am so sorry about what you went through with your father. You really do need to get into grief counseling. It helped me so much. Praying for you!

nor do i find this acceptable....treatment should be fo the bettement of not only the patient but for the familys sake also....even when we know wha the final outcome will be i am sure that they could find a way to make it less suffering for all concerned....

in my case i came home for lunch and found my wife....i started cpr while calling 911....2 police came first and helped me with cpr until the medics arrived and they took over....she regained a heartbeat but could not breathe on her own...they did everything the could do....at the hospital is was told that she was brain dead...that she would not be able to breathe on her own adn she did not repond to reflex or pain tests....they told me that they would keep her on life support until i was satisified that everyone in the family who wanted to see her one more time was able to...they were absolutely wondeful during the whole thing...i hope that God blesses each one of them....i am deeply sorry to hear about your problem and the way it was handled....but due to the direction that our medical profession is being forced to take you will likely hear more stories like this in the future....

Chaplain David · Nov 25, 2010

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randomhit10 · Nov 25, 2010

Amen Sacerdote.....

Chaplain David · Nov 26, 2010

Hi Everybody, December 23rd will be the second anniversary of my father's death and I can relate to all who've lost a loved one. One of the things that helped me immensely was seeking grief counseling at our local hospice. My counselor helped me get past a lot of feelings that I needed to work through and he is such a caring person. Despite it being almost two years coming up on his death date brings grief to the forefront. I've had a few dreams about him lately and naturally he's been in my thoughts. I look forward to sharing some more in this thread and am glad to have met all of you.

I am sorry for all of your losses and I think this thread is such a good idea and a place where we can share and relate about so many things. God bless us all and I pray the very best for everyone.

NoelAsa · Nov 26, 2010

sacerdote said:
I can relate to all who've lost a loved one. One of the things that helped me immensely was seeking grief counseling at our local hospice. My counselor helped me get past a lot of feelings that I needed to work through and he is such a caring person.

I agree totally with the grief counseling. That is exactly what I went through with Hospice. It was the best thing I did after my husbands death. It was very hard and painful, but having the support of people who understood what you are going through is so important. They understand that there is no time tables of overcoming grief. We each get through it the best we can in our own way.

Many churches also have grief counseling. I have not attended any of them, but I have heard that they are good. It is however usually not with anyone who is a licensed counselor. Some people just feel more comfortable with a church setting. Whatever you prefer I suggest anyone dealing with grief to try it. With Hospice you can even be grieving from past deaths from years ago and they will still give you counseling.

freezerman2000 · Feb 25, 2011

I have lost both of my parents, my eldest brother and one of my grand daughters-that one hit me hardest(she was two years old).
Each experience was different emotionally...I was numb during my father's memorial service, funtional during my mother's, I celebrated my brother's life, and I was a basket case during Trinity's funeral.
Each time, what comforted me most was and is, the knowledge that it was not goodbye, but, knowing that I would be with them again.
During each of those services, not one of the preachers tried to get people to be saved...THAT is NOT the time...The bereaved deserve better than that, they need comforting, not to be preached at.
I have put it in my living will, that no mention of salvation be said, and that it be a celebration of life, and not an orgy of greif and self pity.
My best friends father past away not long ago, and the preacher was worried about his widow's immortal soul...it was like a tent revival..hardly a word about Charlie.The widow was devastated about the lack of respect that she and Charlie received during the service.
I could go on, but I think I have ranted enough, so, I will climb off my soap box.

Aibrean · Feb 25, 2011

Well of course none of the preachers tried to get the people saved. Any good preacher knows that salvation comes by the grace of God, through the Holy Spirit. We can do no work to save people. Anything we do is nothing in God's eyes.

HOWEVER every single pastor SHOULD preach the gospel. Salvation is a celebration of life - the most important life. Lutheran funeral services are a worship service.

Jonathan C. Watt said:
It is important to understand that a funeral is a worship service. We do not worship the person lying in the casket; rather, we worship the One who died and rose again. Jesus Christ is the center of all Lutheran worship—especially a funeral—because Jesus’ victory over sin, death, and the devil is clearly proclaimed.
_____________________
You won’t care what is done, said, or sung at your funeral. You will be rejoicing in the presence of the Savior. Your funeral is not for you; it is for your family and friends. Your funeral is not about you; it is about Jesus. Those who have gathered will be comforted when they hear all that He has done to give you, and them, eternal life.

freezerman2000 · Feb 25, 2011

Funerals are for the living, to remember and honor their loved one who has gone on to eternity.
If I want to be preached to, I'll go to a regular Church service.

Aibrean · Feb 25, 2011

And if you died, would you not want salvation for those remaining?

freezerman2000 · Feb 26, 2011

That is their choice, not mine.
There are many chances for them to "achieve" salvation, but a funeral is no place to get preached at.A funeral is a time for reflection and celebration, not to hear what is said at every ordinary service.

Franny50 · May 17, 2011

I have experienced many types of grief,but I think the worse for me was when my brother Patrick took his life 5 and a half years ago.It came as a total shock.He hung himself in his utility shed with the dogs chain and collar.I grieved for him for a long time.Then besides going through the five stages of grief,I had a lot of guilt for not having done certain things.And of course there was the whole religous question,"Would he be damned to hell"To this day I am not too sure.In the 1980's,I lost more than half my family to natural causes,and about 4 months ago was unable to save an elderly neighbor when her clothes caught on fire.I was burnt myself and spent the day in the burn unit.I guess I am still in a state of shock.But through out all these experiences,I've never felt abandoned.God has always provided for me through very supportive friends.And has given me a strong faith that I am a survivor.

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