Being Weak... *possible triggers*

[Phoenix92885]

Forgive me for his rant....

I have known since I was 12 that I have an addictive personality. For me life has rarely been easy so at an early age I was desperate for an escape. I longed for a way out. No drug or substance has given me that but it did allow me to go numb for a span of time. I have tried to push away my guilt by claiming that I don't have a problem since I am not physically addicted to any one drug. When I say physically addicted, I mean that I don't go through withdrawals at least not since I was in high school. My addiction revolves around the world of pills. I wont list specifics but generally any narcotic I can get my hand on, I will take. I do admit to abusing over the counter sleeping aids and cough suppressants as well. I am not proud of this dark side of my life. I try to hide it or (and I'm even more ashamed to admit this) I share the "party favors" with friends and disguise it as occasional partying. Recently I had turned my life around and stopped the drugs. I have only been using sleep aids but at the appropriate dosages. Since February I had been doing well. I had minor slip ups till the past couple weeks.

Now in the past I have spun out of control but I had good people in my life to reach out to me and knock some sense into me. (Sometimes literally.) Thing is those good people were my father, mother and two closests friends. My dad died 9 months ago, my best friend recently betrayed me, and my mother has been diagnosed with cancer. I do have a significant other (my other best friend) but our relationship is complicated. He has recently been diagnosed with diabetes and a list of other ailments caused by it. I'm trying to take care of him and my mother while I grieve the loss of two people I loved deeply. I have now, like so many other times in my life, hit my breaking point.

I know all the cliches. That God doesn't give me more than I can handle and that I will be stronger for it. But I cannot shake the temptation any longer. I have once again dived into my hidden stash and just hope my mother and friend don't see the secret in my eyes. I have been praying for the healing of my mother and friend. Without them I would be worse off as impossible as that seems...

I guess what I am here for is support, guidance or just knowing that I am not alone in this. Thank you for listening.

Phoenix

 

[FormerCatholic]

Tough road hey? When I got of the meth, it took me many goes, so don't get too down on yourself when you fail the first few times.

One of the biggest problems I had was I spent to much time thinking about it, all the time, thats what I did. The more you think about the stuff, the more you want it. Add to this deadly cocktail the depression as a result of a death of a family member, and in your case the diagnoses of your mother with cancer and its enough to send anyone into a downward spiral. If you can, try find away to interrupt your thought process, just for a little while. Some people use prayer, I use to go running. I recently found something else called mind meditation, I actually tried it for the first time last night. You only need to distract yourself for a few minutes and you will feel better.

But I speak from experience here, your wounds will heal. Once you hit rock bottom, there is only one way you can go, and that is back up!!

What you need to do now, is stay positive for your mum.

Have you thought about reconciling with your friend who betrayed you? Sometimes forgiving someone for something they have done is also good way claw your way back out of a hole. Hating someone consumes a lot of your energy. Forgiving them makes you forget the hate. You don't need to spend time with your friend, just let the bad parts be gone.

Hang in there and stay positive.

 

[Phoenix92885]

Tough road hey? When I got of the meth, it took me many goes, so don't get too down on yourself when you fail the first few times.

One of the biggest problems I had was I spent to much time thinking about it, all the time, thats what I did. The more you think about the stuff, the more you want it. Add to this deadly cocktail the depression as a result of a death of a family member, and in your case the diagnoses of your mother with cancer and its enough to send anyone into a downward spiral. If you can, try find away to interrupt your thought process, just for a little while. Some people use prayer, I use to go running. I recently found something else called mind meditation, I actually tried it for the first time last night. You only need to distract yourself for a few minutes and you will feel better.

But I speak from experience here, your wounds will heal. Once you hit rock bottom, there is only one way you can go, and that is back up!!

What you need to do now, is stay positive for your mum.

Have you thought about reconciling with your friend who betrayed you? Sometimes forgiving someone for something they have done is also good way claw your way back out of a hole. Hating someone consumes a lot of your energy. Forgiving them makes you forget the hate. You don't need to spend time with your friend, just let the bad parts be gone.

Hang in there and stay positive.

I am doing what I can to stay positive for my mom. This struggle of mine for now is a silent one... surgery was preformed today for her. They are pretty sure they got all the cancer. After a couple days recovery they will run more test so its been easier to put aside my fears and keep up the steady flow of encouragement. However since the death of my father its been my deepest fear to lose my only parent left before I even turn 20.

As for my former friend... there is no salvaging that friendship. The details are complex and involve more than just us. I have forgiven her. I forgave her shortly after it all happened and she knows that but this ordeal involved her husband and several members of my family. I regret nothing of my decade of friendship with her. I miss her dearly and her family as well.

I guess life is just changing. When things go out of my control I find ways to gain control. In the moment I think it makes me strong but in the end it makes me weak.

 

[dabro]

It doesn't happen over night and I'm sorry for all the losses you have had. I have an addiction to Pain Killers mostly roxicodone and my therapist wants to take me to NA meeteings. I havn't had a roxi since I think November good thing if you can't remeber eh lol. But ya I get where your coming from. We feel like outcasts and the world needs a numbing effect to get us thru it. But rest assure your not alone. I'm battling my own addictions right now And even tho God loves us He will teach us and direct us to which way we go. Your feeling conviction and I just so happened to walk in on this forum and it touched my heart so I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Phoenix92885]

It doesn't happen over night and I'm sorry for all the losses you have had. I have an addiction to Pain Killers mostly roxicodone and my therapist wants to take me to NA meeteings. I havn't had a roxi since I think November good thing if you can't remeber eh lol. But ya I get where your coming from. We feel like outcasts and the world needs a numbing effect to get us thru it. But rest assure your not alone. I'm battling my own addictions right now And even tho God loves us He will teach us and direct us to which way we go. Your feeling conviction and I just so happened to walk in on this forum and it touched my heart so I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

I have attended an NA meeting before with a friend... Thats partially how I realized I have a problem. lol. But at the time I was just their emotional support. NA is a good place. Similar to AA as I'm sure you know but I'm not really sure if its something I could get myself involved in regularly. Partially due to my work schedule and also because I don't like the idea of physically standing in front of a group and admitting all of this. Its one thing to do it here in this written forum. Writing has always been an outlet for me, whether its been for my eyes only or here.

Thank you Dabro for not only sharing your personal struggles with me but for the prayers too. They mean more than you know.

Phoenix

 

[Logan Musil]

Heard great things about the settingcaptivesfree website ministry.
Blessings,
Logan