Being Pestered by Co-Worker

[LadyBird]

Mods, I put this thread in the courting couples forum because I want to know what people who are in relationships would do in this situation and I want their advice. Please don't move this thread.

I just started a new job about a month and a half ago, and ever since, there has been this guy who keeps asking me out...and is a little too friendly if you know what I mean. Well, these invites have just recently started.

I told him that I have a boyfriend and that we have been together for 3 1/2 years and that still doesn't seem to stop him from asking me out. He comes through my till all the time and asks me what I am doing and flirts with me too, and it makes me feel akward and uncomfortable.

Like today for example, he asked me what I was doing tonight, I told him that I was busy, because I was. I didn't actually think that he was trying to make a move or anything, I thought that he was just wondering what I was up to. After I told him that I was busy, he said, well what are you doing tomorrow? I said, I wasn't sure, because, well, I wasn't. Then he said that he would like to see a movie and asked if I would be interested, then gave me his number . His invitation to the movie totally caught me off guard...so I said maybe. Which now that I look back on, I should have said no, because my answer is no, I just didn't know what to say to him or how to say it in a polite way. Next time I will say that I have plans with my honey. Anyhow, after he walked away, I ripped his number up and threw it in the garbage because I am in an awesome relationship and am committed to my boyfriend and, I am not interested in this guy in the slightest way. I told my boyfriend about what happened and he just laughed. He was happy that I told him about the incident and I am happy too.

This isn't the first time that he has asked me out either...he asked me out on Saturday, and on Thursday. There is no way that I can really avoid him either because I am a cashier and he always comes through my till and we work for the same company, there is no way to avoid running into each other.

How do I go about this situation in a...well, I'm not realy sure, maybe a proffessional manner? I have the best boyfriend ever and really love him. But I don't want to hurt this guys feelings. I don't want things to be weird and I don't want him to be mad at me and talk. Then again, I feel icky because I don't like being hit on like this and he is sorta slimey. I want to let him down nicely, I don't want to be a b&%$#. The last thing I was in an enemy at work. I just don't know what to do...I don't want to be mean but I want to be heard! Any advice would be much appreciated!

 

[Aussie_Gareth]

"I am in an awesome relationship and am committed to my boyfriend "

That sounds like a good thing to say to him. Just politely tell him that you're not interested, and if he asks you out again, say firmly, "no".

 

[KristiXP]

"I am in an awesome relationship and am committed to my boyfriend "

That sounds like a good thing to say to him. Just politely tell him that you're not interested, and if he asks you out again, say firmly, "no".

Good advice. Also, if you have turned him down and he is still repeatedly asking you out, this is harassment and should be reported to a superior. I know it might not feel that great to cause him to get into trouble, but there may be other girls out there that he is doing this to and they just don't have the courage to do anything about it.

I guess after a certian amount of "no's" I'd have to start putting my foot down.

 

[JillLars]

Kristi is right. I'm not sure what the exact laws are in Canada, but here in the U.S. that would constitute sexual harrassment (there are only so many times you can ask a person out and be turned down).

Next time he asks, just say, "I don't mean to be rude, but I'm in a committed relationship and I'm not interested in going out with you, so please stop asking me out."

The last part might be tough to say, but if you ask him directly to stop asking you out, legally he has to. If he doesn't, report him to your superior, and get his bum outta there.

 

[rwl]

I can see harasment, but isn't sexual harasment pushing the envelope a little?

Sadly alot of times when the boyfriend isn't around then 'Out of sight, out of mind".

Just highly promote the fact that you are in a serious relationship. Of course saying maybe wasn't the best move ( guys will take that as a definite yes) but nothin you can't recover from at all. Again just push the point that you have a BF. He'll get the picture.

What age group are we talking also?

 

[LadyBird]

I only said maybe because I didn't know what else to say. He totally caught me by surprise. I would NEVER go out with this guy, never in a million years...I just couldn't think of anything else.

He's not a horrible guy or anything, he's nice, I'm just feeling really uncomfortable about working now because I'll always be on the look out for him and him asking me out. The thing is, I don't want to be rude. I have a hard time sticking up for myself and being assertive even though I know that I am not interested him and that I never will be interested in him. Thanks for you advice everyone...any more would be very much appreciated as I am still trying to put together what I am going to say to him.

I am 19 (my boyfriend is almost 20) and the guy who keeps asking me out is 21.

 

[bound2him]

i'm in canada, and i work with a local sexual assault group... lemmie tell you, if you have made it clear that his attention isnt welcome, even by just saying no once and he continues to bother you, this is definitely sexual harassment, and you have rights in that situation.

If you need numbers to call or any more help, let me know!

 

[seekingsomething]

Ok this guys obviously likes you and wants to spend time. If he is alright the rest of the time why not arrange a group outing. Invite your SO so that he can see for himself that you two are together and that there wont be a change there. This way is not as harsh and you might find you even get on!! Make sure he knows its a group thing thought so he doesnt get hopeful and be genuine in getting to know him. If he doesnt agree to go though and really DOESNT have a genuine reason (i ran my goldfish over) and keeps pestering then i would say you should speak to your supervisor. Be careful not to be left alone. Take care and let us know what you think. Love in Christ x x x

 

[LadyDJ]

All I can add, is try to document everything that's happened so far and any other contact you have with this guy and have that information with you should you decide to report his behavior...

 

[MsDe]

If he asks you out again say 'Gee, thanks for the invite! Let me check with my boyfriend and see if WE can make it!' or 'Wow, my boyfriend's been wanting to try a new restaurant! Let me check with him and see if we've got plans!' or something along those lines. Maybe reinforcing the WE will send a subtle message that you're in a serious commited relationship. If he implies or says he'd prefer it to be the two of you, let him know that while you appreciate the compliment you're not interested.

 

[pegatha]

You can't afford to give this other man mixed signals. Tell him no in a way he can't misunderstand. "Thank you, but I'm not available. Please don't ever ask me again." Being blunt will be easier on his feelings in the long run than giving him false hope. You sound like a sweet, gentle girl who hates to hurt people, but that very gentleness is often misinterpreted as a sign that you can be easily manipulated. That is why you need to be firm and blunt, no matter how hard it is for you.

If he continues to ask you after you tell him to stop, it is indeed harassment and you need to start documenting each incident along with the time, place, and names of witnesses. Don't be intimidated by the idea of having an enemy. You will meet opposition and initimidation in one form or another for the rest of your life, so you need to learn how to face it with courage and wisdom, or else you'll spend your entire life appeasing others and being taken advantage of.

 

[KristiXP]

All I can add, is try to document everything that's happened so far and any other contact you have with this guy and have that information with you should you decide to report his behavior...

Oh yes! Documenting is very important! I remember this from a sexual harassment awareness meeting! Take a piece of paper with you to work, keep it in your pocket and write down either the exact time he bothered you, or atleast right down how many times that day he asked you. This way, you can remember more clearly and can show it to a superior.

 

[mina]

I agree with letting him know that you are in a relationship and aren't going to be out of a relationship anytimes soon. Don't be afraid to say no. be honest and be straight with him when he brings it up.

 

[katelyn]

Could your boyfriend stop by work sometime? Maybe if the guy actually saw that you have a boyfriend he would get the point.

 

[LadyBird]

Katelyn, that was my boyfriend's exact thought!

I talked with my dad last night and he said that I should just make it clear that I am not interested in him. If I say to him "I am busy with my boyfriend tonight" that is just like putting him off and saying that when I am free I will hang out with him...which I wont. I think I am going to say this to him...next time I see him at work. And apparently he has really made the rounds, he has asked out lots of girls at work...it's gross and icky if you ask me.

"I should have been honest with you in the first place. I am not interested in you and I am not available. Please stop asking me out."

Do you think that that's okay? I'm sooooooooo nervous...I've never had to deal with this sort of thing before...I was so ready to tell him today but then he wasn't at work...now I've lost all my courage.

 

[JillLars]

I'll be praying for you Belle, that is exactly what you need to say to him. You may even have to say it more than once. Being mean isn't fun, but sometimes its neccessary. I'll pray that everything goes alright.

 

[charligirl]

I'll be praying for you Belle, that is exactly what you need to say to him. You may even have to say it more than once. Being mean isn't fun, but sometimes its neccessary. I'll pray that everything goes alright.

I agree, although I'm not sure that mean is the right adjective here... you are just being honest and stating the facts, truth is always the best way

 

[JillLars]

You're right charligirl, it's not actually mean, but it might feel mean, especially knowing it might hurt his feelings.

On a side note: I always heard about sexual harrassment, and thought I knew what to do if it ever happened to me. I am a pretty assertive person, so I don't usually have trouble telling people what I think (in no uncertain terms). However, about a year ago, a temp employee began working on the night shift with me and said some of the most horrendus things I have ever heard in my life. He would "proposition" me, tell me how great my butt looked, and once (this one takes the cake) he asked about the pink ribbon I was wearing, and I said it was for breast cancer awareness month, and my aunt died from breast cancer, and another aunt had breast cancer but is now recovered. Thinking he would show some sensitivity, I couldn't do anything but stare when he offered to "help" me with my self-exams. It caught me totally off guard, and my normally assertive persona was nowhere to be found. I was going to bring it up to his supervisor, but he was fired not long after the last incident took place. (Ironically enough, he was expecting twins with his girlfriend and would be telling me how excited he was about their new trailer, and then in the next breath ask me for sex)

 

[jenptcfan]

You might even go so far as to tell him that when he continuously asks you out, it makes you feel uncomfortable. Just do what you can to let him know that his continued advances are not welcome and that you don't want to have to have the same discussion again.

 

[LadyBird]

I still have not had the courage to approach him. I feel horrible. I have been blowing him off because I don't have the guts to tell him. I know what I'm going to say...I just haven't really had the opportunity to tell him. When he works, I don't when I work he doesm't. Should I just approach him the next time I see him at work, or should I let him approach me?