Being content

[beakybird]

Hello. (this is long please be patient)

I'll start by saying I am new to this forum. I found it after googling about Christians with Aspergers after I prayed to find someone to help me sort things out. I've never been diagnosed, but possess many of the "typical" traits associated with AS especially as I look back to when I was younger. Difficulty relating to others, very analytical thinking, very hard for me to concentrate on things I don't care about (like work, house chores etc), and I care about very few things but do so intensely. When I was younger I spoke way too articulately, was very ahead of my classes, read at a level years ahead of my time, and had a very hard time making friends. I could never ride a bike, swim, skate, skateboard or any other typical childhood activities because I was extremely afraid and just could never coordinate myself enough. I start many new things at a feverish pace and never finish because I get disinterested. I blend in very well because I've become excellent at parroting what people around me say and do. I don't lack empathy seemingly as much as many because I was raised in a home where feelings were always talked about and pulled out of me, so I learned intellectually how to feel certain things I know Im supposed to and where they are appropriate.

Now I am an aspiring Christian. I don't even know if I am saved or not but suspect I am. I know I believe what the Bible teaches about Jesus Christ, his sacrifice for my sins, and His authority as the Son of God. At least, I believe intellectually. I often doubt if that is enough, but I pray about it often lately. I've gotten short but strong surges of seeking the Lord for the last 12 years. I do the best I can to do everything I supposed to and stay away from the things I'm supposed to. But it is very hard for me to stay motivated.

I have two main issues maybe you guys can offer some insight/prayers about.

1. When I study the Bible, I perceive so many contradictions that I get spun in circles trying to resolve them. Pre-destiny/free will, God's love and simultaneous Soverignty (desires we will all be saved, but many go to Hell anyway), and passages like John 3:16 vs Hebrews 6:4-6 just to name a few. It always results in my concluding that I'm going to Hell or that this is too difficult and I should just chill back and do whatever I want while I still can. Has anyone else wrestled with these thoughts? How have you dealt with them?

2. I don't know what to do with my time. My only real interests have been heavy metal music, video games and getting high on weed/drunk. At least those are my most intense interests. I do like watching football and baseball too. But I've started to realize that these things don't have a place in the life of a Christian. My views slant very much towards Fundamentalism/Independent Baptist as I've come to undertstand they are categorized as. In short I see the devil in just about everything in American culture like video games, TV, professional sports, contemporary music (CCM included) and other similar things. So I don;t know what to do with my time. I don't know of any churches in the area I feel I can trust, and would be scared to just walk into one anyways if I did. I really hate reading (attention span issues) though I try to force myself as much as I can but that only takes up so much time. I just can't figure out how to be content. I always need to be doing something. I get so easily bored unless Im high. Im in between jobs (as Ive been through much of my adult life) so I got SO much time on my hands. I often sit in the quiet staring at the ceiling for lack of ideas of things to do.

I need help. Any insight is appreciated.

 

[Sabertooth]

You need to recognize God's grace. When God shows you something to do, go for it. If you fail/wipe out in the process, confess & repent and continue going for it. That is easier for some things than for others.

One of Keith Green's lyrics says it best,

"Just keep doin' your best
(and pray that it's blessed)
And Jesus takes care of the rest."

"He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

 

[beakybird]

Thank you by brother. My wife tells me all the time to rely on God's grace. It's just a concept that's confounded me thus far. I just can't get it yet. I've often struggled to see God as loving and merciful. I always seem to focus on His wrath and judgement. I'm praying about it, and just trying to trust his promise to not give me a stone or a scorpion.

 

[Sabertooth]

All God want's from us is to keep after Him. He knows our various frailties and how we are likely to fail in the sanctification process. If we persist in following Him, He is not so troubled by our missteps along the way. Our missteps, themselves, may have consequences, but He blesses our persistence in seeking Him.

PS: see my blogpost on perfectionism.

 

[JesusFreak2011]

I can relate to where you are. I am concerned that you are not sure of your salvation. The Bible is clear that you can know without a doubt that you are saved and will spend forever with God by faith. Many people think this means just believing that Jesus died and rose again but I dont think this is enough. James 2 says "You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder." So the faith that saves is not just believing but being completely sold out for Jesus and make him Lord and Savior (Romans 10:9). I dont think you can have one without the other. Here is a good explanation of how it all works: Google "4 spiritual laws" and top link is campuscrusade link.

What you are saying about where you are sounds like you're ready to accept the gift of He offered by dying for you. The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life. It sounds like what you are experiencing for the last 12 years his him calling you. I'd encourage believe it in your heart, when you do, you will want to follow him no matter what and that will give you evidence you are saved.

For the 2 issues you raised.

1. The Bible doesn't contradict itself. When someone says it does, it is a lie from Satan. In the case you mentioned, John 3:16 is a summary of God's love and how he loves us so much he's willing to die in our place so that we can be with him. Hebrews verse is one part of a context from Hebrews 5:11 to 6:12 written to people who call themselves Christians and aren't growing.

2. I used to use alcohol to cope with life. I'm not sure if i was alcoholic or it was my Asperger compulsion needing more. After I gave myself to Christ he removed the need to drink to cope. Sometimes I still get tempted, but I'm convinced it's demons and spiritual warfare. God's given me ability to overcome. I'd encourage you to find a Christian counselor to help you through this, a pastor, a good church and community. I know we dont like to put ourselves out there and be social but aspergers doesn't give us an excuse to disobey God. Read Acts and see why we need to be in community with other Christians, or 1 Cor12 we are part of the body of Christ. " Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. "

When you're looking for a church find one that believes the entire Bible is the infallible Word of God, and that every Christian should live for Christ and not for himself. I am also convinced that a good Spirit-filled church is one that worships God through music and not just going through motions.

 

[beakybird]

Thank you for your response it may have come at the exact right time as I'm getting ready to throw in the towel in many ways.

You are quite correct that I doubt severely whether I am saved or ever will be. I'm caught in a rut of finding God unfair. I don't feel I can ever be content as the Bible instructs us to be. I just don't feel like there's very much for me to live for without the things that have brought me any semblance of joy thus far. When I've turned toward God I feel nothing but this overwhelming sense of losing everything I care about, which is very few things and people. The fact is I really don't WANT to. I want to want to if that makes sense. I'm scared of what will happen to me if I can't do it. But my contentment has always been built around looking forward to things. Whether using smoking as a reward for myself for getting through work, or looking forward to having a long gaming session on a Friday night with my only real friend. Or a few drinks and a nice cigar hanging by a campfire. Being a Christian feels like the only thing to look forward to is dying. And I've found myself wanting that to happen alot lately.

After weeks of basically sitting around getting beat on, I'm so ground down that I almost don't even care anymore. I'm angry and frustrated because this is the same cycle I've been going through for years. The sad truth is I get too bored with God too quickly. I still am praying daily about it and am hoping for some guidance out of this so I don't give up again. It feels like words with no feeling just going up into the air, but it's the best I can muster right now. I'm a very cold emotional person, and love is not really something that I think I feel like most ppl. Even though I am married I still don't know that I fully understand love at all. And I really have a hard time understanding how God is love. I've heard it, read it a million times, but it still doesn't make sense. It feels like rhetoric that I have to force myself into.

I'm not declaring factually the Bible contradicts itself, but if it doesn't then I'm not seeing it. My wife has been Christian for years and gets frustrated nearly to the point of tears trying to debate it with me. I really want to understand, but feel like Im lying to myself and to God if I just gloss over things I don't get and pretend like I don't see a hundred contradictions, sometimes within the same chapter. Then I keep trying and get frustrated cause I hate reading but am forcing myself and I still don't get it. I've taken to taking a break from Bible reading cause I can't barely stand to read a single news article about football, let alone the Bible. Im so burnt out already. I just want to get it and cant seem to.

I looked at site you provided, and understand that concept mostly. I just don't get what I am supposed to be doing with myself, and if I should be making myself miserable to do it. I keep trying to tell myself it isn't all about being happy, but just a little happiness is all Ive even known.

I would like to find a church but am afraid to choose the wrong one. I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm quite afraid of large churches, not only socially but spiritually also. I'm sorta anti 501c3 church as Im not keen on any governmental body having anything to do with what can or cannot be taught. I severely distrust anything the government has anything to do with. I believe them all to be evil through and through. I also really dislike the style of music most churches use and couldn't see myself singing along with things of that style. It kinda gives me anxiety even thinking about it. It's not a hill worth dying on, but it is just super uncomfortable.

Then of course there is the social aspect too. Just waltzing up into a place I've never been to before is nearly impossible for me. I can't even go into a new restaurant or store unless I go with someone I trust who has been there before. I don't know how to overcome that. Another thing I get mad at God for because He made me this way. If He wanted me to be all social and fearless maybe He shouldn't have made me the way that I am. It would be extremely unfair to expect me to have to do something I'm not capable of.

I fear the outcome of my attitude very much. I don't know how to change it. It feels like I'm just not cut out for God. I don't know what else to think. For now I just keep asking Him to change me and make me right. I don;t know what else to do. But thank you for responding when you did. Maybe He's hearing me afterall.

 

[JesusFreak2011]

Dude, sorry if this comes across harsh but I think you need to decide if you want to be your own god or worship the one true God. There is going to be a judgement where someone pays for our sins and we dont know when it will be. Last week a 26 year old friend of a friend just died in a car crash. It's our choice whether we pay for them ourselves in all eternity or accept Jesus's death on the cross as payment for our sins. Do you want to live 1) forever in the torment of hell, but live this short time on earth doing what you want or 2) living all eternity in heaven, following God now?

Jeremiah 29:11 says He knows the plans He has for for us, plans to prosper and not harm us, plans to give us hope and a future. So what seems like something you don't want to do in your flesh in committing yourself to follow God is because you are focused on lies straight from hell. Were Adam and Eve better off after the ate the fruit? Satan told them they could be like God and God was trying to withhold things from them. Would a God who is only good possibly tell us to do something that is not for our own good?

Jesus said "don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today." (Mathew 6).

I can't make you follow God, but I can testify that if you accept Him, follow Him, you will be better off than if you don't. I dont know His plans for you, but I do know his promise is "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

One final thought. You're doing it all your own way now. Do you really want more of the same?

God bless, you.

 

[beakybird]

Yeah, no crap. I'm well aware of God's wrath. It's plagued me for years. It's His love I don't get. If love is sending the vast majority of the people to ever have lived into everlasting fire, I don't know what wrath is. I know if I had I child I'd sure like to build a huge campfire and throw them into it to show my love. There's no fire and brimstone message you are going to bring me that's going to scare me more than I've already been scared. I've gotten numb to the fear right now.

I've stated already that I try to believe what the Bible teaches about Christ and salvation, I think I believe it as much as I am capable right now. I simply can't change who I am or what I feel. I can only see with my perception, can only think with my own mind, can only feel with my own heart. If God wants to step in and change it like I've asked a million times, I am waiting for it with open arms. But until then what else can I do?

The whole Adam and Even thing brings up even more questions for me. Like why did one couple get to ruin it for all of humanity? Seems fair. I don't believe right now that God is "only good". I just can't see it that way. Wish I could as easily as so many others seem to including yourself. I could try to fake my way through it as Ive had to for so much of my life with other things, but I know He knows better so that does me no good. What am I supposed to do that I'm not already doing? I pray and pray and seemingly get no response. I read the Bible and get more confused and bitter. What am I supposed to do if God wont help me? I can;t escape who I am, I never asked to be here, never asked to be like I am, but here I am. So now I get a vague demand to do this or that, not even understanding what that is, or else I get to live in Hell forever. Just great. Maybe that was His intent since the beginning. After all he creates some for honor and some for destruction (fair again) maybe Im just one for destruction...

I haven't been doing things all my own way if you read what I've been saying instead of trying to give me the script. If I were than my life would be easier right now but obviously far worse later. Facts are is I'm trying to do the best I can, I've been so miserable and depressed over this that I can't take it but Im still clinging on with nay strength I have which isnt much. I really seriously just wanna die sometimes.

I ask for God to forgive me in the name of Jesus, I call Him on His promise to give me a new heart, I repeatedly ask for His guidance and strength and understanding. To remove the confusion from me. It feels hollow, I ask why. What am I doing wrong? I'm asking for bread and while I'm not getting a stone, I still don't feel like I've seen any bread either. I'm trying so hard to be patient but it seems hopeless. I fear I'm not capable of trust or love like most people are. I don't really trust anyone to just take their word for it without seeing. I'm just like that. Think that is probably an Asperger trait. I need visual proof of things and even then it's hard to trust with the trust it seems necessary to follow God properly. Everything to me is analytical and orderly. I need step-by-step instructions to follow. Trying to get that from the Bible is an exercise in frustration. I could deny myself absolutely everything and live miserable for the forseeable future. I could sit in a sensory deprivation chamber (almost what I've been doing minus TV) and just tough out life until I die, but that's not even enough. We're instructed to be joyful and thankful. Good luck! I can be genuinely thankful for some things I have- my wife, my parrot, a roof over my head, food to eat, and I thank God for it everyday. But joyfulness only has come through a substance or some for of mind engrossing entertainment. Been that way since Im a little kid so it's not drugs that "destroyed" me.

Then what, Im a depressed mess and I gotta try to socialize with people being all happy and elated for something I don't even get, then they try to explain it and it makes no sense to me? Then I gotta somehow muster the strength to hand out pamphlets on the street and try to get people to believe something I don't even get? Wouldn't that make me a hypocrite and pretty useless at it? Kinda hard to joyfully work for the Lord when I am depressed and have no energy or motivation to wake up, let alone go outside and deal with people.

I don't know, you just hit a sore spot. I'm sick and tired of people trying to make it out like Im the one making myself this way. That I'm the one who makes me think the way that I do, or I make myself depressed, or I make myself confused. That is utter BS. If I could change these things I would, but I can't and feel like people are all to quick to kick me when Im down about it.

Maybe just pray for me, your words are of little value to me though I appreciate the effort. They just seem very contrived. But if God loves you maybe he'll listen to you more than me...

 

[Upthewrongtree]

You're not making yourself this way. Being a Christian is hard sometimes. It's even harder for someone with an analytical mind.

I'm going to try to be brief since you don't like to read, and you can ask me to expound on anything I say if you're interested.

First -- Addressing throwing your kids into the fire. It sounds awful doesn't it? But if you have true faith that God is who he says he is -- then once you get to know him a little better you may understand a little bit more. And that just takes time. You are doing right -- keep asking -- he IS listening. But you have to realize the end goal is heaven -- not earth. Nothing on earth. It's eternal life. And if you trust God that heaven is a place of peace and wonderful rest in his presence, then you can begin to understand why he CANNOT let unrepentant sinners in. If he did, it would be just like the same old misery we have here on earth. Also, because he is perfectly holy, he cannot have sinners live with him in heaven. That's just one of his attributes.

Second -- on the confusion. I had the very same problem. And some people won't like this answer, but the one I found for myself is to read the King James Bible. Only. When you remove everyone's "fixes" and "new" translations -- it's easier to get a clear picture of what God wants you to know. I just suggest trying it. The words may be old sounding, but I believe it was written on a 3rd grade reading level, so with the Holy Spirit's help you should be able to muddle through, if I can, you can.

On being content. When I first started a very similar journey as yours I was sooooo bored. I no longer had my old friends who didn't fit my Christian life, I no longer had the hobby of chasing men for fun. Honestly -- I went to the library and looked for books on hobbies. I was desperate. I finally took up knitting and crocheting. That's probably not for you, but just pick something and try it. Something fun and inexpensive is to get into survivalist skills. There's tons of information on the internet, and it's just plain fun -- whether you'll ever have to survive anything or not. I am very interested in making traps. I haven't made one yet, but it would just be cool to build one.

I hope some of this helps. Don't despair. The darkest days are before the dawn, and if you are following the true Jesus -- he will help you. He promised to.

 

[beakybird]

I thank you for your input.

I'm trying to just accept that there are things about God I simply may never understand. But for someone who feels the need to understand things, especially of this grave importance, that is a maddening prospect. I could list a million reasons why "that's just how it is" just doesn't make sense to me, and a million reasons why what you said doesn't make sense to me. But I know it really doesn't matter what I think. It is hard to love a God you don't see as loving though. I think maybe it's something I just gotta fight through. I try to think about heaven and be minded for that, I guess looking forward to dying somehow just seems wrong though. Maybe it isn't. Just seems like a sad existence. Not as sad as ending up in Hell. Very discouraging to wake up everyday though. I've always been the type of person that could never save money, or work hard today for something tomorrow, I've always sorta lived for the immediate future. So it's hard to think that far in advance. Maybe I'll be lucky and die real soon. In the world we live in who knows.

I currently only read the KJV. My wife is one of those strictly KJV people. I'm not 100% sure why myself, but have a pretty good idea. Good enough to trust it's the right thing. Occasionally I run across something I don't get the wording on, as the syntax is very odd to how we speak now. I'll sometimes view the other renderings and the concordance to get a better picture, but it 99% KJV. I've grown a little more accustomed to it. I certainly don't have an inability to read, I think I almost read too well as I over-analyze everything. It's really my attention span. Even when I read things within my interests, I got about 20 minutes then I'm just skimming to get to the point. I've listened to different preachers and read different commentaries, but that just makes things worse. I can't even watch a movie for more than 30 minutes without being bored.

Good to know I'm not the only one who found Christianity to be boring at first. I know that I really only have one friend myself, and while his influence may not be the greatest, I know that it's simply not a relationship I'm willing to sever completely. He's been like a brother to me (more than my real one), and I can say almost without hesitation that I would sooner burn than have to make that decision. I mean part of the reason I even got back into this recently is for the fact that I'm hoping I could try to get through to him also. We've both had a similar track record with this, though I've always been a bit more willing to make sacrifices, even if they only last a month at a time before I stop caring.

I've actually had an interest in survivalism for years now. I love shows liek Survivorman etc. Except Bear Grylls. You do what he says and you'll be dead in like less than a day jumping down waterfalls and whatnot. I just live in a part of NJ that doesn't have many areas where such things could be easily practiced as it's pretty urban. I live in a one BR apt, and don't even have a place I can grill a hamburger, let alone set snares, use primitive fire methods, or forage for food. I do really believe those things to be vital as I'm pretty sure the day is coming where if I'm not dead I'm gonna need them. I really like camping, but it's so tied to drinking and smoking that I don't think I could enjoy it without those things. I'd probably get bored too.

I hope I'm following the real Jesus. I mean I'm trying the best I can. I guess that's all I can do. I don't really even understand who He is and what He wants but Im trying. If I go down in flames I guess I can say I tried my best, even though that wont mean crap then...

Thanks for trying to suggest something rather than just pounding me over the head. As somone 99% sure with Aspergers, it's far easier to follow things in a step by step way than by some abstract I dont get.

 

[Upthewrongtree]

Your post made me laugh when you said you can't watch movies. ME EITHER! If that doesn't make you an alien in today's world nothing will! I have never been able to sit through a whole movie unless it's a light comedy where I can just drift in and out of paying attention and it still be funny when my mind comes back. I've been told that I've watched movies with people before, but I have no recollection of them at all. Most people LIVE and THRIVE on movies though, so that makes it hard to talk to some people.

I'm sure you are following the real Jesus. There's just so many OTHER Jesus out there these days (2 Cor 11:4) I always am wary.

God forgives and he knows your situation. Just don't give up on Him. He won't give up on you. Remember -- the poor in spirit are blessed, for theirs are the kingdom of heaven. Poor in spirit to me means that we have such a hard time holding tight to the truth sometimes but we still believe with an absolute certainty that God is real and He is our Sole Provider.

You know, it might sound crazy, but I actually prayed that God would set me on fire to read the Bible. And it worked for a while -- it was my primary obsession for a while. Of course now, I just read occassionally, but that intense period of study was good for my faith and my knowledge. You could just try asking Him for the things you think you need. Of course, keep in mind that it's only what YOU think you need to be a good Christian. He will shape you in His way, but really, ask Him for all the things you struggle with. Even if they seem strange or petty. God has answered all kinds of strange requests from me.

 

[beakybird]

I did used to like some movies, but most of them weren't exactly what I'd call portraying Christian values. Few and far between were the ones I liked though. I did like comedies, unfortunately my humor was quite raunchy and know that is inappropriate.

I appreciate the things you've said. I've known these things, and have many, namely the wife, telling me basically the same things. But it's always good to have them reaffirmed. I seldom take what anyone says as truth, but the more times I hear it the more truthful it becomes to me (within reason of course) You seem like you guys would get along, lol (my wife I mean).

Nothing sounds crazy to me to ask God for. I know I pelt him with the the most menial requests at times. Some days all I can do is to admit how much of a piece of crap I am and just ask Him to be patient and merciful with me. I am brutally honest when I pray, if I'm frustrated, angry, depressed, bored or whatever. I know He knows anyway and hope He appreciates the honesty and the fact that I'm trying to be reliant on Him. I know He first needs us broken before He can change us. My breaking is a work in progress for over 12 years. Just hope there isn't a time limit.

Thanks again for being encouraging. Many people need the hard truths and to know God isn't a pushover. I don't think I'm at that point right now. I just need to be encouraged. Thank you.

 

[Miserere]

I'll be praying for you. Christ will show you the way.

 

[RCF]

Beaky, you still following this thread? <edit>
Just curious. How are you doing? Any steps forward or backward?

 

[aaronkt]

Thank you by brother. My wife tells me all the time to rely on God's grace. It's just a concept that's confounded me thus far. I just can't get it yet. I've often struggled to see God as loving and merciful. I always seem to focus on His wrath and judgement. I'm praying about it, and just trying to trust his promise to not give me a stone or a scorpion.

I had a friend tell me I struggle with focusing on God's wrath and judgement and that I should focus on his love.

 

[Sabertooth]

I thank you for your input.

I'm trying to just accept that there are things about God I simply may never understand. But for someone who feels the need to understand things, especially of this grave importance, that is a maddening prospect. I could list a million reasons why "that's just how it is" just doesn't make sense to me, and a million reasons why what you said doesn't make sense to me...

When I was about 19, I was standing in line at a Marine Corps mess hall.

While standing there, my vision turned to "snow" (like on old-school TVs) and the surrounding sounds were all muffled. Then I "heard" God "speak" into my thoughts, "Ask Me anything you want to know and I will answer you." With His voice, I also felt His real presence. His glory was so intense that I could find no question that was relevant enough to ask Him. I was just dumbstruck. Moments later, my sight and hearing returned to normal.

What I took away from that was just how insignificant knowledge was in the eternal view. Yes, like money, it is the currency of this world, but we need to keep its true (lack of) value in perspective.

"Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears." 1Cor. 13:8-10