being an adoptive single mom?

lover of God · Aug 15, 2022

hello my brothers and sisters! ♡ it's me ivy again. i hope you are all having a wonderful day. even if you don't have an answer to my inquiries, please let me know in the thread how God has blessed your heart today, i would love to hear. let's encourage each other.

but to the point of this post, you could consider this a marital question, but more specifically concerning the lack thereof.

in this moment, i know that once i have the means and some years have passed to ensure i can provide, raising children is one of my ultimate life goals. i wish with all my heart that i could pour the love i have been given into parenting my kids. i have very maternal tendencies, i nurture, comfort, encourage, and find great joy in supplying someone with their needs. i want to let people know they are safe. i am even called "mom" by a few of my friends!

however, i have never felt love or attraction to any man. i know that the family unit (with two parents) is God's model for how a child is to be raised. but, i think this marriage would be faulty. i am not romantically or sexually attracted to men, though if God intends this path for me and i one day find a 'special someone' that i fall in love with, so be it. i'm not holding onto any label here, even though i have in the past. but, i do not see it happening. to provide context, i have been attracted to the same sex in the past, but i have repented of this, moved on, and miraculously don't feel those feelings anymore either. it has been a few years since then.

out of curiosity, what do you guys think? for one, do you think there is anything wrong with the fact that i am not attracted to men, no matter how much i seek to tap into these feelings? maybe i am repressing something, or maybe it is completely natural?
i also tend to have a very 'lone wolf' personality- though i remain in community with my brothers and sisters in Christ on the daily, stay connected with my family and friends, and obviously depend on the Lord, i have no desire for romance or someone else's validation. at the end of the day, i am more than fully satisfied without it.

i am also satisfied if i do not have kids, for example, i currently am a maternal figure in the lives of loved ones, despite them not living under my roof or anything. so if God does not call me to raise kids of my own, that would be completely fine. my cup overflows either way.

just curious to hear input on the matter! i love you all ♡

Pavel Mosko · Aug 15, 2022

ivy may said:
out of curiosity, what do you guys think?

There is a great demand for people to adopt, and we need more Christians doing this. It will be harder to go through the process as a single person, but if you really want to do it go for it!

Sketcher · Aug 15, 2022

Voluntarily becoming a single mom is not something I would recommend to anyone. It's a big challenge that is not meant for only one person, but you're the only person. A disproportionate number of people with behavioral problems come form single parent households, too. I understand that things happen and I'm not intending to rip on single parents whose spouse has left them or died, nor am I coming down against choosing life. But rather, volunteering to put yourself in that position is signing up for so many challenges.

BobRyan · Aug 15, 2022

ivy may said:
out of curiosity, what do you guys think? for one, do you think there is anything wrong with the fact that i am not attracted to men, no matter how much i seek to tap into these feelings? maybe i am repressing something, or maybe it is completely natural?
i also tend to have a very 'lone wolf' personality- though i remain in community with my brothers and sisters in Christ on the daily, stay connected with my family and friends, and obviously depend on the Lord, i have no desire for romance or someone else's validation. at the end of the day, i am more than fully satisfied without it.

i am also satisfied if i do not have kids, for example, i currently am a maternal figure in the lives of loved ones, despite them not living under my roof or anything. so if God does not call me to raise kids of my own, that would be completely fine. my cup overflows either way.

just curious to hear input on the matter! i love you all ♡

Nothing wrong with being celibate - in fact Paul says this is the ideal. But may not be ideal for having children. Have you considered working in a field where you nurture and care for children?

in an home for orphaned children, in pediatrics, in a pediatric ward of a hospital?

Aussie Pete · Aug 15, 2022

ivy may said:
hello my brothers and sisters! ♡ it's me ivy again. i hope you are all having a wonderful day. even if you don't have an answer to my inquiries, please let me know in the thread how God has blessed your heart today, i would love to hear. let's encourage each other.

but to the point of this post, you could consider this a marital question, but more specifically concerning the lack thereof.

in this moment, i know that once i have the means and some years have passed to ensure i can provide, raising children is one of my ultimate life goals. i wish with all my heart that i could pour the love i have been given into parenting my kids. i have very maternal tendencies, i nurture, comfort, encourage, and find great joy in supplying someone with their needs. i want to let people know they are safe. i am even called "mom" by a few of my friends!

however, i have never felt love or attraction to any man. i know that the family unit (with two parents) is God's model for how a child is to be raised. but, i think this marriage would be faulty. i am not romantically or sexually attracted to men, though if God intends this path for me and i one day find a 'special someone' that i fall in love with, so be it. i'm not holding onto any label here, even though i have in the past. but, i do not see it happening. to provide context, i have been attracted to the same sex in the past, but i have repented of this, moved on, and miraculously don't feel those feelings anymore either. it has been a few years since then.

out of curiosity, what do you guys think? for one, do you think there is anything wrong with the fact that i am not attracted to men, no matter how much i seek to tap into these feelings? maybe i am repressing something, or maybe it is completely natural?
i also tend to have a very 'lone wolf' personality- though i remain in community with my brothers and sisters in Christ on the daily, stay connected with my family and friends, and obviously depend on the Lord, i have no desire for romance or someone else's validation. at the end of the day, i am more than fully satisfied without it.

i am also satisfied if i do not have kids, for example, i currently am a maternal figure in the lives of loved ones, despite them not living under my roof or anything. so if God does not call me to raise kids of my own, that would be completely fine. my cup overflows either way.

just curious to hear input on the matter! i love you all ♡

Society has been diminishing the role of fathers for decades. Now if this social engineering experiment was producing positive results, I would have nothing to say. It is not. Women are different. They raise children differently, especially these days. I was raised in an era when, "Wait till your father gets home" sent chills of fear down my spine. Now it's, "So what?"

It seems that the typical modern young adult is a selfish snowflake, morally bankrupt who has no hope for the future. In many ways, it is not their fault. I'd hate to be joining the workforce now. I'd hate to spend a fortune on a useless degree. I'd hate to work, knowing that I could be fired at any time. My last 3 years of work gave me a taste. I worked 8 hours of overtime a week, unpaid and unacknowledged. At least I had some security. Many kids do not.

God created male and female for a reason. God's covenant with Abraham was that in Abraham, all the families of the earth would be blessed (Genesis 12:3). If you want God's blessing, you need to do things God's way.

lover of God · Aug 15, 2022

BobRyan said:
Nothing wrong with being celibate - in fact Paul says this is the ideal. But may not be ideal for having children. Have you considered working in a field where you nurture and care for children?

in an home for orphaned children, in pediatrics, in a pediatric ward of a hospital?

i haven't read 1 Corinthians 7 in a while, and wow.. i am very glad that your post reminded me to look into it again. i'm more encouraged than ever.

"An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband." this is exactly what concerns me. i never want to worry about how to be desirable or pleasing. i have no wish to be desired in that way.

not to bash sexual love at all. after all, better to marry than to burn with passion. but, that's the thing. i have no passion to burn with. and i think, honestly, that it's a good thing. but sometimes i am doubtful and believe that i am being stubborn, rebellious, whatever. like, i am letting my own stubbornness and pride get in the way of exploring sexuality freely with a husband. but, i don't think this is the case at all.

anyway.. that was kind of my real query. am i submitting everything to the Lord even without conforming to these norms?

because my question was already solved. and yeah, i want to work in a hospital, heheh. thank you, so much.

lover of God · Aug 15, 2022

Aussie Pete said:
Society has been diminishing the role of fathers for decades. Now if this social engineering experiment was producing positive results, I would have nothing to say. It is not. Women are different. They raise children differently, especially these days. I was raised in an era when, "Wait till your father gets home" sent chills of fear down my spine. Now it's, "So what?"

It seems that the typical modern young adult is a selfish snowflake, morally bankrupt who has no hope for the future. In many ways, it is not their fault. I'd hate to be joining the workforce now. I'd hate to spend a fortune on a useless degree. I'd hate to work, knowing that I could be fired at any time. My last 3 years of work gave me a taste. I worked 8 hours of overtime a week, unpaid and unacknowledged. At least I had some security. Many kids do not.

God created male and female for a reason. God's covenant with Abraham was that in Abraham, all the families of the earth would be blessed (Genesis 12:3). If you want God's blessing, you need to do things God's way.

while i am quite aware i am socialized into a culture that is very much not in line with God's Word... you must be aware that of course God would use everything for His glory, so yes, there still can be "positive results", even from spiritually dead cultures. not to say the actions of the people who influence the ebbs and flows of changing cultural values are right, just saying that all these things occur for a reason.

and while the systems we work in are incredibly corrupt, God honors your honest work. "Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you" (Romans 13:3). we cannot blame these people in power for all that is wrong, and the moral bankruptcy of the unbeliever is very much their fault. "Each person was judged according to what he had done" (Rev. 20:13). not the system's, though they may contribute to the further corruption of it.

luckily, i am still years away from making these choices firsthand: whether to adopt or not, get a career in childcare, etc. i work only small jobs at the moment, but it is a joy every time. my last job i was actually fired flippantly, just as you said: i took a day off on an extremely busy day, which many people also happened to take off (even though all the 'request off' forms were handed in prior), so it's ironic you say that.

i seek to be a servant. this is outside of the original inquiry, but from your words, i feel compelled to share and to repeat the verses i am reminded of.
i know it can seem so gratifying in the moment, but finding satisfaction in acknowledgement and financial security does not truly secure the soul and allow one to fully trust in Christ. eternity begins now, and if we cannot trust that God will provide in our Earthly lives, how can we trust Him to redeem our souls for eternity?
Revelation 3:17 - "For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked."
or, inversely: for you say, i am poor, i have been disregarded, and i needed everything, not realizing that after suffering persecution, your Savior is there to mediate for you and grant you the Crown of Life.

Psalm 18:2-3: "I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies."

lover of God · Aug 15, 2022

Sketcher said:
Voluntarily becoming a single mom is not something I would recommend to anyone. It's a big challenge that is not meant for only one person, but you're the only person. A disproportionate number of people with behavioral problems come form single parent households, too. I understand that things happen and I'm not intending to rip on single parents whose spouse has left them or died, nor am I coming down against choosing life. But rather, volunteering to put yourself in that position is signing up for so many challenges.

yes, i am considering those factors (and i appreciate you bringing up those that i need to be reminded of!) and luckily, i am still years away from making these choices firsthand. i do not know the future yet, i will take this one day at a time and if i am ready, then i want to be able to provide a home for a child in which i can pour the Gospel into their life. i would definitely not do this while i am still 'young' in any sense of the word. i'm just one to ponder the future.
but, most of my pondering is not so much centered on this topic, for Jesus may very well return before i accept a child into my home.

lover of God · Aug 15, 2022

Pavel Mosko said:
There is a great demand for people to adopt, and we need more Christians doing this. It will be harder to go through the process as a single person, but if you really want to do it go for it!

thank you so much for your encouragement! i really appreciate it. there is definitely a need for adoption, children all across the world need to know that they matter and they are not just things to be discarded when they are inconvenient. i want to help others know they are safe, guarded, protected. but, i consider the pros and cons, and will be doing so in the future. but, i will not worry about tomorrow, simply ponder it. one day at a time!

Aussie Pete · Aug 15, 2022

Pavel Mosko said:
There is a great demand for people to adopt, and we need more Christians doing this. It will be harder to go through the process as a single person, but if you really want to do it go for it!

It's folly. God's way is a father and a mother. The world's way is increasingly not God's way. I don't know how a single mother can instruct a child in the ways of God when she chooses to reject God's ways. Obviously some women are single mothers due to circumstances, not by choice. God will help out in that situation.

mama2one · Aug 15, 2022

PloverWing · Aug 15, 2022

ivy may said:
however, i have never felt love or attraction to any man. i know that the family unit (with two parents) is God's model for how a child is to be raised. but, i think this marriage would be faulty.
[...]
out of curiosity, what do you guys think? for one, do you think there is anything wrong with the fact that i am not attracted to men, no matter how much i seek to tap into these feelings? maybe i am repressing something, or maybe it is completely natural?

I think it's good that you know this about yourself. If you don't want to get married, then don't. Being single is a perfectly good state.

Raising a child alone is extra-challenging, because it's useful to have a second adult around to help you. I'd recommend having a support system nearby -- a close friend or a sibling or a grandparent, etc. -- so that if you need to, you can call them and say "Can you watch the baby for a few hours?"

But if you have something like that in place, I think you could make it work. One of the single men in our church was a foster parent, then an adoptive parent. (He married a couple of years ago, so he's no longer a single parent, but he was single when he adopted his sons.) They seem to have a good family, and he's a caring dad.

Joined2krist · Aug 16, 2022

It seems you have the rare gift of singleness. My advice is to use this gift purposefully. If you are being led to adopt, start with a Pet. This should help prepare you for the responsibility of handling parenting alone. God bless u

lover of God · Aug 16, 2022

Aussie Pete said:
It's folly. God's way is a father and a mother. The world's way is increasingly not God's way. I don't know how a single mother can instruct a child in the ways of God when she chooses to reject God's ways. Obviously some women are single mothers due to circumstances, not by choice. God will help out in that situation.

out of curiosity, what is your opinion of a man and woman living together and raising a child but remaining unmarried? does that seem feasible to you?

it seems to me to meet both agreements: keeping in step with God's model for the family, and also the undivided attention to the Lord that can be attained and utilized for His glory when one is single/celibate.

there is an estimated 1% of the population that do not experience attraction, and 31% of the population is Christian. if my numbers are correct, then that would mean there are 24,707,000 people on this Earth that are like me. by dividing it, 12,353,500 of those people are men. a smaller number of those people would be willing to enter a platonic relationship and adopt children together, but i think it is a beautiful picture.

lover of God · Aug 16, 2022

Joined2krist said:
It seems you have the rare gift of singleness. My advice is to use this gift purposefully. If you are being led to adopt, start with a Pet. This should help prepare you for the responsibility of handling parenting alone. God bless u

thank you so much! that is great advice, sister!

Aussie Pete · Aug 16, 2022

ivy may said:
out of curiosity, what is your opinion of a man and woman living together and raising a child but remaining unmarried? does that seem feasible to you?

it seems to me to meet both agreements: keeping in step with God's model for the family, and also the undivided attention to the Lord that can be attained and utilized for His glory when one is single/celibate.

there is an estimated 1% of the population that do not experience attraction, and 31% of the population is Christian. if my numbers are correct, then that would mean there are 24,707,000 people on this Earth that are like me. by dividing it, 12,353,500 of those people are men. a smaller number of those people would be willing to enter a platonic relationship and adopt children together, but i think it is a beautiful picture.

You are kidding yourself if you think that you can raise a child and give undivided attention to the things of God. Even one child is demanding and adopted children (depending on age) can be more demanding.

It's ok in some cultures for unmarried people to share a home. I've been in that position for years. However, we've grown so close together that we've decided to marry. I never expected this, especially as I'm 71. There is a point of contention over avoiding even the appearance of evil. People are less likely to take offence these days.

Children should grow up in a loving home where the parents are married. How else will they come to know God's ordained will for marriage? Of course, the world rejects this and kids suffer greatly as a result. Christians should be an example of how to live. If you want God's blessing, do things God's way.

lover of God · Aug 16, 2022

Aussie Pete said:
You are kidding yourself if you think that you can raise a child and give undivided attention to the things of God. Even one child is demanding and adopted children (depending on age) can be more demanding.

It's ok in some cultures for unmarried people to share a home. I've been in that position for years. However, we've grown so close together that we've decided to marry. I never expected this, especially as I'm 71. There is a point of contention over avoiding even the appearance of evil. People are less likely to take offence these days.

Children should grow up in a loving home where the parents are married. How else will they come to know God's ordained will for marriage? Of course, the world rejects this and kids suffer greatly as a result. Christians should be an example of how to live. If you want God's blessing, do things God's way.

i'm quoting this passage from 1st Corinthians when i say "undivided attention". i understand parenting is a very tasking responsibility.

"What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

as i have mentioned before, because sexuality is not a naturally occurring force in my life, i find that i may use celibacy to my advantage for the Lord's sake since i would be unbothered by the prospect of not having to marry. "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

i appreciate your time in sharing your thoughts on the matter! i will consider them, but in my years of studying the Word and synthesizing passages about marriage, parenthood, and celibacy alike, i'm unsure why a romantic or sexual relationship is needed between parents for children to be raised in the way of the Lord. of course if it were a sexually immoral relationship, that would be horrible for the child. but i don't see how the lack of sexuality would be bad. i'm curious to hear other thoughts.

mama2one · Aug 16, 2022

angelsaroundme · Aug 16, 2022

Your attractions, or lack of them, may be a result of genetic factors. Regardless of the reason or reasons, it seems unlikely to change if you are already 20 or so.

If you have financial security adoption may be worth looking into. You should be cautious though. They may give you a child with serious physical or mental conditions. If that happens, they may require more time and monetary investment than you had planned.

As sweet as it is that you want to care for a child, you should be practical. Taking on too much isn't good for you or the potential kids. Perhaps adopting one kid and seeing how that goes for a while is the way to go instead of adopting multiple kids at a time. You may only want to adopt one kid anyways, I don't know.

There is a saying, "It takes a village to raise a child." Ideally, you should have at least one or two people that can help. For most, it is parents or other family. Preferably, at least one of them would be a guy so they can have a male role model. If you do not have anyone like that, being involved in church might help. For male bonding, a sport could be a good idea too. I think sports have many benefits for both guys and girls. They help kids make friends and build confidence.

Aussie Pete · Aug 18, 2022

ivy may said:
i'm quoting this passage from 1st Corinthians when i say "undivided attention". i understand parenting is a very tasking responsibility.

"What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

as i have mentioned before, because sexuality is not a naturally occurring force in my life, i find that i may use celibacy to my advantage for the Lord's sake since i would be unbothered by the prospect of not having to marry. "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

i appreciate your time in sharing your thoughts on the matter! i will consider them, but in my years of studying the Word and synthesizing passages about marriage, parenthood, and celibacy alike, i'm unsure why a romantic or sexual relationship is needed between parents for children to be raised in the way of the Lord. of course if it were a sexually immoral relationship, that would be horrible for the child. but i don't see how the lack of sexuality would be bad. i'm curious to hear other thoughts.

Sex is nobody's business but the couple's. If they choose to abstain, fine. However, you are stating that it would be OK to remain unmarried. That I believe is not Biblical. Children should grow up with two parents who are married to each other. I know personally the cost when that all goes wrong.

In order to obtain God's blessings, we need to do things according to His ways. Maybe there are exceptions to the two-parent principle. You would have to be sure that it was God's will. God's grace extends to those who are single parents because of circumstances. So it is not impossible for God to be a surrogate parent, so to speak. God is Father to the fatherless. I'm not convinced that truth applies when someone chooses to be a single parent.

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