Beaten up as a child

[chanteuserose]

Once in a [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] as a child always in a [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. I got beaten up for years as a child from other children. I don't know why. It was between 8 - 13. That was the reason we moved. My father was a soldier of time and we were moving anyway. So I was always the new kid. In one town there was just hell. And I got the worst marks in school. I had to repeat a class and was told since then that I am a bad girl. We got a house to move away from all this which has lasted 5 years. And from the start we had boys throwing stones at my window. They throwed stones at me, newspapers in our front garden. Called me bad names I was just 13 when we moved there and my parents did not call the police. That was West Germany in the 70/80's. I got good marks again but the kids complained and prompt got bad school marks. I had to learn hairdressing and thought I am in totally hell and got ill and very angry with my mother. After so much abuse to treat women and men as a hairdresser, scares me to this day. My hands shake sometimes and it is hard work for me and I am to this day angry with my mother for forcing me to learn something so ridiculously stupid.
I moved to England and thought here I fight. My partner got me into a housing estate as London is very expensive and I said that housing estates are dangerous. He did not believe me. He has learned now, but I fought. I had paranoia and thought the kids were screaming abuse at me and were calling the police all the time. I see red when I see boys and young men.
The police helped and went to the doctor. Partner then send me to the doctor as well. I had contracted paranoid shizophrenia.

The problem with me is that I am unlucky, still don't have the profession I actually want. I am angry with the past abuse and that I suffer from fear, memory problems and mental illness. That if I go their I defenitely go to a solicitor to ask if we can sue them, the county or who ever.

I have a paranoid personality and in my neighbourhood most hate us I believe. I know now how stupid parents think. Is all about their boys, their power in the neighbourhood, having parties and then getting their hands on girls. These parents never learn. We have here children who never went to school. Girls impregnated under age and having now boyfriends in prison. Because they did not wanted to listen, of course the war. Who wants to listen to a German when there was the war before. I think child abuse, neighbour hood crime, youthcrime, and they think ww2.

Sometimes I think I want to teach parenting skills but parenting skills towards the community not like; away from it.

 

[Lollerskates]

"Just because I am paranoid doesn't mean no one is following me."

Try not to pay too much attention to labels put on you, and focus (if you have the energy) on why people do this: from knucklehead bullies to licensed professionals. And, licensed professionals do not always man "correct." Many times, people are erroneously diagnosed.

Re-read your post with as much of a separated mind as you can, as in, forget you wrote it. Then, see if you can find some patterns or clues - morally, physically or spiritually.

I was bullied when I was younger - like beat up, severely ridiculed, and even by teachers. My family is almost completely estranged; they were some of the worst. Some abused me sexually, most others just treated me like I was a demon - from 2 1/2 - 14 (when we finally moved far enough; military family here too.) And, yes I do remember since 2 years old. I already had ADHD, OCD, and later in University I experienced some seriously horrible discrimination and even professors who tried to blacklist me. All while I developed insomnia.

So, I say all of that to say that you shouldnt think of any "quirks" you have as burdens. On the contrary, they are developmental psychological defenses for what you have been through - necessary. The problem is that not everyone has been through what you have been through. Nor, do they have to go through it right now. So, many people will give you cliches on how to "control your life," "fight and soldier on," or even ignore yourself. You cant do this. I wouldnt say embrace destructive mental behavior, but if you are in a warzone unique to which your mental behavior keeps you alive, then dont deny yourself. Some people do not need to be paranoid because they live in a secure, gated suburban community with a crime rate in the fraction of percentages. Some people do not need to be cautious of men or women because they have never had any bad experiences with them. Similarly, a war soldier seems like a lunatic when s/he is dropped back into peaceful, civilian world - and s/he violently jumps when they hear a horn honk. Or, they hurt a loved one when the loved one tries to wake them up.

I think you should do something to help others like you said in your last paragraph. Social work may be an option, or maybe volunteering. Even if you do nothing, just know you arent alone, and you arent broken, bad or weak.

 

[chanteuserose]

Thanks, I wondered repeatedly if there was a curse on me. It did not make any sense, why exactly to hit on me, but could be I am born with some mental instability as when I was a young child I thought that why someone was nice to me. This was age 6, so when everything was still ok. and I did had friends.
With my daughter, I panicked if she will go through the same thing and when I hear a child screaming or crying this goes deep. She is allowed to defend herself and she says that she will fight to the last bit and rather dies. I haven't taught her this, or rather through my behaviour. So she is better, but neighbours complained that I did something that she turned out a bit like a boy.
I am full of emotions of one day fear, the next day I am ok. I still think the world is exciting and the world can make me happy, but at work I go through lot's of fear.
So I thought I should do deep hypnosis, but why with recalling experiences one should be healed? Don't understand this. and it cost money, so has to wait.

I plan for counselling and yes defenitely should perhaps first via voluntary organisations work with children or families.

I find lot's of people are into people. They are crazy, they talk to everybody and especially in hairdressing. They love it, where with me, certain clients can scare me, I can have shaky hands. I got a job offer and thought I will be bad, because I know I find lot's of customers offencive and too scary. So I told her I wait and I phone back.

 

[chanteuserose]

video
joyce meyer, confronting your accuser
2014

I think she is really good, talk about feelings that can get into your way when you want to do things. I was hindered to learn the profession I wanted and so to build myself up, and work on my projects I have these feelings of hindrance. I feel bad, lonely, lazy, that it is forbidden what I do. These sort of feelings and today again, I have off and can do things, work on my projects. I have plenty to do.
Is remarkable that Joyce Meyer learned to overcome these feelings, by all she had to go through and is out in front of all these people.
I have to work harder on me.

 

[chanteuserose]

Last Sunday I had an insight in church.
To tell me that I actually have a good life, (with the profession I actually hated). That I want to relax and enjoy. that I have enough of trouble, unpaid bills, job change and the same with my boyfriend, (he changed jobs in the last 2 years so often because he got ill an is now recovering).

 

[chanteuserose]

I red a newspaper via internet about an incident in the region I am from. Like in the 90's no police came. It is a village, the police responds to a family problem is zero. The man was screaming and shouting abuse at his wife and little kids and killed one of his little dogs. Neighbours who called the police were told that the police has no time to come as it was busy on this day. No wonder as a foreigner you can't life in the country side, which ever country you are in.

 

[chanteuserose]

Joyce Meyer, Receiving Emotional Healing
video, youtube

I always try to build myself up, jet very often against the will of my parents. Another time in the other country, then I get bad marks in uni and the whole 3 years were for nothing. So no wonder I got not very far. This is why it is so strange why all these things happen and why people think they have the right to be so harsh and abusive. That it goes on and on and now again I went for an interview for a course I always wanted to do. Have to wait for affirmation and I want to go back to uni, but again are told not to do it. I am too old and these days here it involves money.

Beauty for Ashes
God heals, he gave me insight to go for counselling and get books on the issue of abuse, because I seriously complained about the Bible and the churches.

 

[chanteuserose]

I love Joyce Meyer, how does she do this? If I get scared, half of my brain stops working.
One of the things I should do I believe the idea or voice came from God, was to go for counselling and buy books on the subject.

Beatings of children amongst children is a huge thing and I will have to be able to talk with professionals about it once I will go there.

I suffer from feeling bad and being scared since my youth. So lots to work on, I should be a millionaire.

 

[chanteuserose]

I was part of a jury team in court. It really helped, I am quieter now and the mourning about it is far less. Now the next step is get some books and get to do counselling.

 

[abovetheclouds]

I been through abuse and bullying as well as emotional/mental issues from it and too find Joyce Meyer helpful. I felt led to go to your post and give you a cyberhug. Bless you. May you have peace

 

[chanteuserose]

I don't feel like writing today but I have started to join political parties and plan to work on a idea for the security of children.

 

[4KidsMOM]

The devil comes to kill steal and destroy! Thats what he was trying to do to you. You made it through, you did not let the abuse destroy you. You so strong to get through this and tell others your story. Your are so special and a blessing to those who are going through now what you had to go through. I thank God that he protected you.

 

[Bridgida]

Thank you for help.
I thought that God 'spoke' to me and told me to buy books and get counselling and build up my own organisation.
In Germany are now several organisations regarding these problems.
Adults and espechially teachers are shocked about these wild children and so have started to counter it with anti bullying programs for example.

Personally I haven't had councelling yet. I have to pay for it, then actually.
I started a website, bought the books and was shocked. And think of joyning some child and youth organisations.

I think educating the communities and people living in social housing, will be a big step forward.

The question is, where I do this. Here in England where I live, or Germany?

 

[Bridgida]

I am chanteuserose.

 

[Bridgida]

Yes I do sometimes think about soldiers. They are not called schizoprenic.

Would be cool to find out more about trauma reactions of soldiers.

 

[Bridgida]

I might join Therre de Homme, but I am still searching. I pay into Unicef.