Badly need Biblical & truthful advice...

For point 1, while a moral issue, I would not necessarily write him off. Pastors are not immune from temptation and the fact that he sexually desires you is probably good for your upcoming marriage. It is not ok that he pushes these boundaries, but in my opinion, you might just be the stronger one when it comes to this. You are going to have a hard time finding a young guy, even a Christian, who does not push on this. If he is very forceful, that is something different. In either case, he should repent, but the force would be a bigger red flag.

Point number 2, I am going to chalk up to immaturity. He is probably jealous of them and that is not completely bad. It shows he wants to be your one and only and he is questioning if he now holds that place.

I think number 3 is going to be the hardest. Immaturity in making decisions can be a problem.

All in all, these are not insurmountable issues. You guys need to partner with an older couple that you trust and meet individually (guy with guy, girl with girl) and talk through these issues.

The Bible talks about marriage as part of a solution to "burning with desire". And I know this is hard to wait. I have been there.

If you do go ahead with the marriage, It would be best to confess all this to the older couple ahead of time. It will get the weight off both your chests. Many times, young Christians in ministry get all caught up in the hormones, then do things they should not do before marriage, and basically feel so bad they either leave ministry or they hold that guilt on into the marriage and do not fully give themselves to their spouse after marriage.

There may be more to this and that is why I highly recommend you talk with a much older couple (like 70s or 80s)... You would be surprised at how tolerant they will be. They went through the same questions long ago and can now offer a unique perspective from a distance. Make sure this is not the senior pastor though. Your fiance and yourself will be more honest with someone who is not going to fire him.

LeonSarahh said:

Hi, I got engaged 6 months ago to a pastor in our small reformed church. I am 31 and he’s 35. I have had several relationships in the past before I became a Christian while he had none. At first, I was sure that it was God’s will for us to get married, all the elders of the church approve of our relationship, he obeyed our senior pastor to wait for a year before courting me, we were both active in the ministries, we came to know the reformed faith and transferred to the same church almost at the same time, we were at the right age, he went to my parents to seek approval and they blessed him and so on. Basically all signs that it is God’s will was there. However, few months before the wedding I’ve seen several red flags which causes me to doubt if it really is God’s will for me to marry this man:
1. He would often cross my physical boundaries. I had to set very strict boundaries as I dont want us to fall into temptation before we tie the knot. I told him countless of times that I dont want him to touch, caress or kiss me but he would still do it and he would just laugh at it whenever I get mad. I really am wondering why he would take things like this very lightly when he knows he is a pastor.
2. He would brought up my ex-bfs out of nowhere even if I tell him to just think about us and our future together. Anyway the last relationship I had was 9 years ago, I dont have any contact with anyone of them anymore. I stopped dating when I became a believer as I wanted to make sure that the next bf I will have will be my husband.
3. He is very immature in making decisions. The last time we had a discussion about physical boundaries he has decided we should stop seeing each other until the wedding day.
There are a lot more but these are just the major ones. I am thinking that he’s immaturity is due to him being a no gf since birth and hopeful that he would change once we get married. But I am also having fears that what if he wouldnt and I am just making a wrong decision of marrying him?

I really am confused and will take whatever advice I can get. Thank you for your time.

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Hello Sarah.

Care to expand on some of the minor issues also, I need a bit more information.

He probably also feels inadequate to some degree - knowing you had boyfriends in the past. Although you are clear with him about why you want to keep from temptation, in his heart he may be feeling inadequate and insecure.

I would suggest that you pray that the Lord would help him see your heart and that he is able to see through your eyes - understanding clearly so that the enemy doesn't use this to confuse you both.

While praying this for him; pray also that God would help you to see through your fiance's eyes and that you are able to see his heart.

Any time God blesses something like your engagement, Satan comes in immediately to try and destroy it.

Lastly, I suggest you get married as soon as possible so that you are the one stopping the enemy in his tracks. Pray pray pray. Seek council from mature established christian women you know you can trust.

Father, bless and strengthen this upcoming marriage in the midst of the pressure and problems of their lives (2 Corinthians 12:9). Father, I ask You to protect this marriage from the attacks of Satan. Deliver these two precious believers from the enemy's evil, destructive plans (1 Peter 5:8). Lord, let them find great delight and joy in each other (Proverbs 5:18). I pray that You would deepen and strengthen their friendship to each other (Proverbs 17:17). And that Your power would sustain and give stability to this marriage (Jeremiah 32:17). Lord, help this couple to discern and deal with those things that may try to hinder and hurt their relationship (Psalm 139:23-24). I ask that their strengths would match and overcome their weaknesses (Genesis 2:20-23). And that your sweet son and daughter would be sensitive to the needs and hurts of each other. Enable them to minister to each other in these areas (Matthew 20:28). Father, I ask that this precious couple would be patient with each other in all the circumstances of life (1 Corinthians 13:4). I pray that they will be kind and gentle to each other through the ups and downs of their life together (1 Corinthians 13:4). In Jesus name. Amen.


“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Yes indeed I understand. The Lord has answered mine and my husband's prayers (for 25 years) every time we asked that we be made to see each other's heart. The Lord can fix this! Trust in God's amazing power to transform you both. When anxiety tries to whisper fear into your mind; just remember, God has not given you a spirit of fear but of love, power and a sound mind. Resist the enemy when he speaks anxiety to your flesh; draw near to the Lord immediately, and the enemy will flee! Build up your most holy faith by trusting God completely!

Just a bit of advice on the "threats to cancel the wedding". I generally recommend that the threat of divorce should "never" be allowed in marital arguments. It is the moral equivalent of pointing a gun at someone in an altercation.

So while threatening to cancel a wedding is not on the same level, I think that you, with Godly Christian counsel, need to address it and nip it in the bud. This should probably be part of your pre-marital counseling, but it needs to be an understood rule going in to the marriage that divorce is not ever to be used as a tool of manipulation to get your way. The very narrow grounds for divorce in the Bible should be the only reason that such a topic is ever considered. Not even for the worst "argument" should divorce ever be mentioned. Otherwise, trust and respect are damaged, often for years because of a rash statement.

So I guess what I would evaluate is whether the threats to cancel are immature emotions that could be dealt with before marriage, or whether it is a pattern of "nuking everything" when he does not get his way.

Leading up to my own marriage, it was so incredibly stressful. There were jealousy, arguments, outside people trying to ruin the engagement, family issues, insecurities, and immaturity on both our parts. But we both had a firm grasp and conviction of what a Biblical marriage was. We went through the early storms that were honestly quite stressful, but we came out better for it.

So I tend to encourage forgiveness and leniency in the process. Much of your success in marriage will depend on both of your abilities to express your concerns, but give grace to your spouse. This is the hard part of marriage, but God uses it to polish you and shape you for His good pleasure and purpose.

All people have faults. You will soon find out just how true that is when you marry. You are going to get to know someone closer than ever. I am sure he will find the same of you.

One way you can evaluate how to proceed is to look at his general direction. Is he (and are you) working toward a Godly perspective, or is he moving away from God. A stumble, followed by a "David-like" repentance is much better than the approach of embracing the sin. The embracing of sin or withdrawing from accountability would be a red flag. A mess up (i.e. getting too close physically), but then an genuine anguish or attempt to correct or prevent it, would not be as concerning.

LeonSarahh said:

Actually just thought of this but not really minor. But he would also cancel (or threatened to cancel) the wedding each time we've had heated conversations. He would apologize afterwards and say it was just due to the burst of his emotions and say he wont do it again, will ask for me to extend my patience and grace and forgiveness which I would always extend to him. But after a few weeks, he will do it again.

He would also always say if we won't end up together, he knew God will punish him for being irresponsible, like kill him or put him into an accident etc. or that he will just move to a far away city and maybe stop doing the ministry which really makes me feel bad.

We also normally would argue over him wanting to marry me urgently even when my parents wouldn't allow it and even if I do not want it either. We have already set the date next year, have been planning and buying stuff etc. but often he would say, we should just have a civil wedding immediately so that we won't decide to leave each other no matter how many issues we face.

The minor ones are mainly just our differences, like he is quite insensitive of other people and would say or do anything without thinking others might feel awkward by him acting so comfortable, he is also quite talkative and his voice is normally loud even when we are just talking face to face. Sometimes my brother will get upset thinking he's shouting at me or are embarrassing me on purpose. But those things I think we can reconcile as I can see him change those traits which I didn't like. It's basically these major issues of physical boundaries, threats of cancelling the wedding, immaturity that makes me think twice.

I am really hopeful we won't have the same issues when we get married as I will no longer be overly protective of our physical boundaries. Hopeful that he would become more mature overtime. But just really scared what if he doesn't. I know true love drives out fear but I have so many fears right now.

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You said earlier, that your future husband is thirty five years old. A person at the age of thirty five, may be able to modify some superficial behavior with effort. Yet the primary behavior of your future husband is well established by thirty five years of age.

You will not be able to change him into another
person altogether. What you see is what your going to get. You need to decide whether you can live with him for the rest of your life.