Bad relationship VS No relationship

[E-beth]

I know of two people who are both involved with people who are NOT good for them. They both know it, admit it, but continue seeing the person. Their reasons are that it is better to be in a bad relationship than to be in no relationship. Do you think that is true?

One friend is a guy who is seeing a girl he met while she was still married. The girl is now divorced, an alcoholic who has been in jail several times, and uses men. He is not a Christian.

The other is a girl, never been married, who has allowed herself to become involved with a man she met on a Christian singles chat and he admits he only wants her for a physical relationship. He told her recently that he met someone else from the site and wants to pusrsue it. He knows she feels emotionally attached and continues to just use her sexually.

Me, I listen to their tales of woe and get frustrated. I have been in bad relationships and I have been lonely. In retrospect lonely was better!

What do you guys think?

 

[crimsonxbeauty]

I honestly think it is WAY better to not be in a relationship than to be in a bad one. Being patient and waiting for the right person is a good thing.

 

[mina]

People are hungry for love, and unfortunately many many people would rather have something horrible than be alone. "I'd rather be with someone for the wrong reasons, than by myself for the right ones" -Some Kind of Wonderful- It's sad and it's harmful. My prayer for friends that are caught in this cycle of staying with someone even though they know that they know that they know it is wrong is that they will see it how God sees it. And that they would realize that they are valuable and that they owe it to themselfs and to whoever they end up marrying and their future children to do the right thing even though it hurts. I think that self esteem plays a big part in this also. I can understand why people do it, but it doesn't make it right. And I agree with you that alone and lonely is better than being used and abused.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

If you're in a relationship because it's better than being in no relationship (even when that relationship is bad), then it is defined as one thing - CO-DEPENDANCE...

I've been in a co-dependant relationship - I got engaged to the guy, yet the whole time I had doubts and felt it was not the best relationship for me - but I thought I wouldn't be able to cope if he wasn't in my life - I didn't want to think about it! It was too painful to think of a life alone without him.

Fortunately, God and I had a lot of time to work together before the wedding, and he showed me how unhealthy the relationship was for both of us, and I eventually got some great books on co-dependancy and had the strength to call it off (doesn't mean I had a lot of struggle AFTER I broke it off - and failed miserably a few times to stay away - but I made the first step), knowing that that was what it was.

Unfortunately, they are the only ones who can move away from the situation. The more you share with them that you feel the relationship is wrong, the more they will probably attach themselves to that person - I know I did. You can tell them that you are worried about some behaviours you're seeing, but you can't be forceful - it pushes the person further into the partner's arms, and soon you'll never see them again (it took me months to go see some people that had reservations about us, cos I was so embarrassed that they could see what I couldn't).

Pray hard and ask God that if the relationship is wrong, let him come to them and reveal it - God came to me in 3 dreams that finally made me realise that I was dying in this relationship - emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

I know how hard it is to break away, but you can pray, and if they ARE following God, he will eventually show them how unhealthy the relationships are, and they do eventually move from them.

Sasch

 

[invisiblebabe]

Sascha- I totally agree with you about the codependence thing.... it's a big problem if you don't have your own identity, apart from a relationship.

May I ask what your dreams were, and how you knew they were from God?

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Sure (warning they're a bit weird) - they were exactly the same each time.

I was swimming, and I was so determined that the ONLY way to get somewhere was to swim in this particular direction. I had people on the banks telling me to turn around, but dogmatically I kept going. It was so hard! My whole body was aching and I was crying the whole time.

All of a sudden, I got this really strong feeling to THINK about what I was doing. I realised that I didn't HAVE to go this way - that it was causing me more pain than gain. So, I turned around in the water and went in the completely opposite direction.

The first time I had the dream, I didn't really get it. I think deep down I felt it had something to do with my life at the time, but didn't want to dwell on it (denial). The second time, I KNEW it was about my upcoming marriage, and it started me thinking about what calling the wedding off (and the entire relationship) would mean, and how I would feel - for the first time in months I felt a huge burden on my shoulders slipping, and I felt like there was light at the end of all the hassles.

The third time I had the dream, I realised I had to do it NOW, and that night, I called the whole thing off.

As I said it was NOT easy, it took WEEKS, and I failed a few times after the dissolution to stay away. But, I know it was God, and I'm thankful, and that person is no longer in my life, and I've moved on to a far healthier opinion of myself, a far healthier lifestyle and a far healthier relationship.

Sasch

 

[bliz]

It's an old saying...

Better to be single than to wish you were.

 

[rented mule]

I say that it's better to have no relationship than a bad one. To me saying we ought to have something, even if it's bad is like saying, "better to be gambling away your life savings that to never have risked it at all."

Of course, it depends on what is meant by "bad" relationship. But regardless, I'd rather my children be alone than to be with someone who brought them pain...I'd simply tell them to have faith and wait for the right person to come along.

 

[Princess Pea]

From experience - being in a bad relationship is terribly lonely. Worse yet, it prevents you from developing a good relationship with someone else.

It doesn't even have to be abusive or unhealthy to qualify as bad. The one I was in was neither of those things. He was an honest, patient, Godly man ... who simply didn't love me, that was "all", and something deep inside me knew that and became more and more unhappy. When he finally admitted it, I was amazed to find feelings of relief mixed in with the disappointment and grief. I knew I could finally stop trying so hard, and it was as if a weight had lifted.

I was lonely sometimes before I met him. I've been lonely sometimes (getting better) since the breakup. However, I don't think I've ever felt so lonely in my life as I did when I was being treated so casually by the man who supposedly saw something so special in me that he wanted exclusive rights to my heart. I could never go back to that.

 

[sculpturegirl]

St. Paul sings the praises of the single life devoted completely to God. I would much rather be lonely than in a bad relationship. God wants what is best for His children, but sometimes we need to get out of the way and let Him bless us!

I have been lonely much of my life. I have been in a very negative realtionship (and later wished my dear ones would have kicked me harder, that I would have gotten out sooner). Now I am in a relationship with a wonderful, Godly man who loves me with everything he is. I am turning 27 this month and have never been married. Seeing all of my friends marry already sometimes left me thinking that it would never be my turn. Now that I have met HIM, all of this has been worth it. I am so glad that God has given me this time to grow!

With all that said, if these people are your dear friends and they are in negative relationships, kick them hard! They will love you for it later.

God Bless

 

[Flipper]

No relationship is better than a bad one in so many ways, and unfortunately, I had to learn that the hard way. I still think God chose that path for me because I know I wouldn't appreciate how great my husband is if I hadn't had the bad dealings.

 

[sl_pahotogal]

I am currently in a realtionship that has been going on for over a year. It started off great--everything I had prayed for. We had so much fun together because we became best friendds as we dated. Things went really great for the first couple of months and then it started going downhill for some reason. He proposed to me on morning in February of this year. He was so excited and sat down that night to make out a guest list and begin on plans for the weding. It was so endearing and I was so happy. I thought that my prayers for the right mand had finally been answered. Three days later he broke up with me and said it took an engagement for him to realize that he didn't want to get married. You can only imagine how devistated and crushed and confused I was. I didn't understand what was going on. A few days later he apologised and we got back together but from that time, we never made plans to get married because he didn't want to talk about it anymore and I wasn't 'allowed' to talk about it either or we would get in a fight because he would get mad and walk out. We have broken up and gotten back together many times since then. He doesn't pay any attention to me anymore, he hardly spends time with me, I haven't heard him tell me he loves me in months, and he generally makes me feel unwanted on a weekly basis. I have been very sick lately and have had multiple surgeries and have needed him to take care of me. He says he doen's know if he can handle being with someone who is sick so much. I tell him that at least he can walk away from it, but I have to live with the pain everyday that my body causes me. It's like I am a burden on him and he doesn't like me, but why does he keep coming around? I have told him that if he has so many problems with me that he doesn't have to come around but that he chooses to so to stop constantly telling me what is wrong with me.
You know, writing all of this just reminds me that I have always been smarter than this. Smarter than to let another person try to make me feel any lesser than how God made me. I get so aggravated with myself for allowing this to go on for over a year when God probably has my 'perfect man' waiting out there for me but He can't make it happen until I wake up and walk away from this emotionally abusive relationship.
Anyone have any thoughts on all of this? How do you stop loving someone?

 

[sculpturegirl]

You know, writing all of this just reminds me that I have always been smarter than this. Smarter than to let another person try to make me feel any lesser than how God made me. I get so aggravated with myself for allowing this to go on for over a year when God probably has my 'perfect man' waiting out there for me but He can't make it happen until I wake up and walk away from this emotionally abusive relationship.
Anyone have any thoughts on all of this? How do you stop loving someone?

This reminds me of a relationship I was in several years before I met my dear Erik. It was excruciating when we broke up, especially after talking about marriage and even looking at rings together. I thought that I could never stop "loving" him. One day I asked myself why? I had no answer, really. I didn't like him, I didn't like myself around him. We didn't treat eachother well at all. In fact, I had drifted from Christ, my true love, in the process. I prayed and prayed and prayed and made the CHOICE to stop loving him. It took a bit of time for those "feelings" to go away, but they are just that- feelings. Love isn't something that happens to us that we have no control over. God wants good gifts for His children and when you are ready He will bring a godly man to you. In the meantime work on your own healing (of course with the aid of the Holy Spirit). DO NOT continue in this relationship. I know that you already know that, but sometimes it is good to hear it from someone else. My family tried to warn me of that old relationship. I wish now that they had kicked me a little harder- really hard, in fact! We are the Body of Christ here to hold up our brothers and sisters, not to idly sit back and watch one another get hurt. Of course, matters of the heart are sensitive and never easy. If you need to talk more, feel free to PM me. Remember God is faithful to heal and renew his children!
-Sarah

 

[Living4Him03]

I will take no relationship to a bad one any day! I'm so so so so glad I'm not in a relationship right now, at least not a bad one. I was in one several months ago and I was never this happy. I don't think I've ever been so happy and I am really single lol. I am so glad and feel very blessed. I would so much rather not have anything to do with dating than have all the pain and heartache. I have several good guy friends and they are great. They encourage me in my walk with the Lord and I encourage them. I don't need to date them and it would likely ruin the great friendships I have. When and if I am ready to date again, God will let me know and will bring the right guy into my life. I am past dating just to date. That shows lack of faith and trust in God.

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

You know, writing all of this just reminds me that I have always been smarter than this. Smarter than to let another person try to make me feel any lesser than how God made me. I get so aggravated with myself for allowing this to go on for over a year when God probably has my 'perfect man' waiting out there for me but He can't make it happen until I wake up and walk away from this emotionally abusive relationship.
Anyone have any thoughts on all of this? How do you stop loving someone?

It always takes something like this to open our eyes, doesn't it? I was in a similar sort of relationship. I had an ex who promised me many things, told me what I wanted to hear, but didn't treat me well at all or back up all of his promises with actions. Actions, as the cliche goes, do speak louder than words. I stayed in that relationship and during that time, brought me to such a low level. Things as you described in your post--didn't pay attention to me, wasn't concerned about my health, wasn't really concerned about me. I think it was more of a control thing for him and I allowed myself to let him have that control. I one day just realized that I needed to get out of this relationship and one day left it. It seemed like the hardest thing to do at that moment. I felt my world was ending, I thought my heart would break, but when I finally left it, it was a huge weight off my shoulders. Even though I was hurting inside, I felt free.

Like you, I was and am smarter than that. I was quite angry at myself, too, for allowing myself to get sucked into that situation. But I thought I loved. Maybe part of me did as part of me will always care for him although I could care less if I ever see him again. I think that is natural. It will take time to "get over" him as he was a part of your life. It will take some time and turn to God. He is the one that can heal your heart.

Do not worry, as that person that God has in store for you will enter your life. It took awhile after that relationship in my past, but I gave everything up to God. I stopped looking and, for the most part, stopped thinking about this someone that I know is out there for me. God did put a person to cross my path and I recognized who he was and it is so different than the ex. It actually blows my mind when I think about it and I thank God every day for placing this new man in my life.

You know what you feel like right now and the way he treats you. You deserve to be treated better and I do believe that there is someone out there for you and will meet your needs and you will meet his. Do you want to be with someone who makes you feel unloved, unwanted and with this big ol' hurt in your stomach? Is it love if someone tells you they don't think they can handle being around someone who's sick all the time? Love, to me, is someone who will stick it out with you no matter how sick you get, and will tough it out with you.

I really think you know what you need to do in this situation. Do not be scared. Just pray to God and seek His guidance.

And, to answer the main question, I'd rather be in no relationship than to be in a bad one. But, I learned the hard way, as probably most of us have.

 

[Follower of Christ]

I know of two people who are both involved with people who are NOT good for them. They both know it, admit it, but continue seeing the person. Their reasons are that it is better to be in a bad relationship than to be in no relationship. Do you think that is true?

One friend is a guy who is seeing a girl he met while she was still married. The girl is now divorced, an alcoholic who has been in jail several times, and uses men. He is not a Christian.

The other is a girl, never been married, who has allowed herself to become involved with a man she met on a Christian singles chat and he admits he only wants her for a physical relationship. He told her recently that he met someone else from the site and wants to pusrsue it. He knows she feels emotionally attached and continues to just use her sexually.

Me, I listen to their tales of woe and get frustrated. I have been in bad relationships and I have been lonely. In retrospect lonely was better!

What do you guys think?

Id rather be alone than again be with someone who isnt good for me or I for them.

With Galadriel and I, we are very supportive of each other......it feels like we just click as far as personality goes...

She has some issues with social anxiety and OCD a bit that are really causing us some friction in person tho.
over the summer I came up and it hit her fast and hard at first.....then over a couple visits and spending time together she really started to open up a lot .

So I moved 600 miles to be nearer to her...she said she didnt like that as soon as she started getting used to me that I had to leave again.
Ive been here over two weeks and weve yet to get back to where we were over the summer.....she does have college and a LOT of hw and that prevents us from spending a lot of time togther for now, but we both keep chuggin along here cause we both feel that God pointed us in this direction thru evee.

I have to admit, the social thing and the OCD stuff is driving me to wits end.
I know in my heart were she any other woman, Id have dropped this without blinking and never looked back.
but something about her compels me to strive on ....when I pray to God all I ever get is ''be patient''..

Im about to lose it with the patience stuff...i dont have any patience normally.

I know we are good for each other.
We talk about everything and are completely open about everything.
We're trying to take this into a personal relationship, however long that takes with her issues.

Whats sad to me tho is knowing if we have to walk away from this, she'll be the only woman Ive ever regretted losing.

If we did give this up over her issues, theres no way Im ever getting involved again.... shes ruined me for anyone else...... If we cant have what we have here, then nothing else will do.

My opinion is, if one cannot be in a good, mutually beneficial relationship, then its best to just be alone...

 

[Evee]

Hi Follower this is very hard for me because I have been in the back ground watching.
I remember you were having problems with your wife being unfaithful and I said don't worry you will marry again.
Then Laura pm me and we had a few pm and I told her I am not interested in you because you are in your 30's and I was married.
She had no idea what I looked like or my age at the time as far as I know.
She seemed to relax I said who knows it may be you she asked me why I said that.
I said I don't know do you believe he is for you?
She said yes I believe he is.
I said well there you go.
I may not have everything word for word but it is close.
You and her had been IM each other you had said.
I never meant to be a match maker.
I feel like I am getting too much credit good or bad for this and I just feel I need to not be a part of the picture.
I truly hope you understand.
I have never been a match maker and I feel like a piece of well you know what I feel.
I feel guilty about this because I am sure I said..... if you too like each other than go for it.
Please understand I hate to see you in this pain and I feel I had a part in it. Please listen and just read between the lines.
I will say no more because I really care about you and I just don't want to influence you in anyway.
I have tried to be there and listen and I still will but I just feel you give me too much credit.
I knew I would have to do this whether it worked or not.
I knew I had to try and clear things up.
Please let me know either public or a pm how you feel about our friendship.

 

[E-beth]

So what do you think is the best way to deal with a friend who is in a bad relationship by choice? Do you continually point out the faults of the relationship or do you listen as they make their wrong choices and be there to pick up the pieces? I have to admit, it gets tiresome to listen to the tales of woe when I have tried to tell them they deserve better.

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

So what do you think is the best way to deal with a friend who is in a bad relationship by choice? Do you continually point out the faults of the relationship or do you listen as they make their wrong choices and be there to pick up the pieces? I have to admit, it gets tiresome to listen to the tales of woe when I have tried to tell them they deserve better.

I think that sometimes you just have to let them live and learn. Because many people told me and I didn't want to see it . . . and I've told people who didn't want to see it. Sometimes you can tell them until you're blue in the face and they won't wake up. For the most part, they have to realize it on their own. I think if you constantly bombarding them with telling them how bad their bf/gf is, then it'll most likely but a bridge between you and them. It's doesn't help them to open their eyes.

 

[Evee]

I try and listen and be a friend to both parties in most cases.
I am very careful to never say well he is just a lousy no good or she is just not interested.
I just try and listen without a lot of advice.