avilagirl said:
"I disagree that my bf "knows it's wrong" -- he wouldn't do anything he considered wrong, so clearly he doesn't think it's wrong."
Actually, I'm not sure which scares me more, a guy who knows it's wrong and rationalizes it, or a guy who doesn't know it's wrong. I wouldn't have confidence in the guy in either case (hence breaking up with my ex).
Again -- if this were habitual, it would be a problem. It's not. It's a one-time thing. He has maybe one other friend who will have a similar bachelor party when he gets married (if it ever happens considering he's nearing an 8-year engagement at this point
), so at most a two-time thing. Neither he nor I see this as a problem. Obviously you do to the point that you would break up over it. I'm not sure why it isn't okay for us to disagree here... some people mesh with certain types and can't mesh with other types. My boyfriend and you are incompatible... and that's fine.
So, you mean to say that if the two of you ended up together, and you had children, your h would be okay with your kids knowing he had been in a strip club while he was dating you? I really doubt he'd want them to know that, and even if they NEVER found out, just the fact that a man wouldn't want his kids to know he had done that to their mother illustrates how lacking in integrity it is.
Your word choice here ("done to their mother") makes it sound like he's hurting me. If it were going to hurt me, I wouldn't be okay with it, so that sentence is inaccurate.
We don't want children because we've each raised other people's kids and feel satisfied and done in that area. If we were to have children accidently, I would never lie to them. Period. I doubt it would come up for quite a while, anyway.
There's another issue that relates to my laid-back response to this that has to do with our different cultural backgrounds. In his family, and to a large extent in his culture, sex and sexuality are just far from taboo. He was introduced to porn as a kid from his uncles; he was taken to burlesque shows by his aunts. I've got one desensitized bf, and he's not going to see anything at a strip club that he hasn't seen before. On the plus side, the complete lack of any taboo there allowed us to have lots and lots of talks about sex that I think are important before a marriage but often not undertaken by people who have grown up in sheltered households such as mine. For one thing, he was completely upfront about the above in the first week or so of our dating each other because he could tell it wasn't anything I had any experience with and could be a deal-breaker for us. A good chunk of our first year or so together was hashing out every little fear I had about what he'd seen and experienced and how that might affect our relationship. And hash it out we did. He patiently and honestly answered every question of mine, sometimes several times. I don't want to go into a marriage with any hangups or surprises, and so every small nagging thought was brought to the forefront and dealt with and eradicated.
The result? I trust this man completely. I accept everything in his past -- it cannot be changed and he is a wonderful person. He is honest with me and considerate of me in the present. If I were to change my mind two seconds before he left for the bachelor party and ask him not to enter a strip club, he would comply without complaint because he has often proven that my happiness and the stability of our relationship are among the highest of his concerns.
My ex and I didn't have a communication problem. He had a character issue,
I did say "or"
and him thinking it was okay to be in a strip club for any reason while we were together and discussing marriage was the red flag that opened my eyes to that. Sorry, but the fact that all the women involved say they are okay with it (as it was in my case, too, except me) is to me irrelevant.
To me it is wholly relavent. Dishonesty -- even by omission -- is something I can't tolerate. It is the biggest of deal-breakers to me. Doing something you know will hurt another person is another one. Neither of these things is happening, so all is good in my book.
A group of really decent men would just hold themselves to a higher standard and not ask anyone to be okay with it.
Again... your criteria for a prospective husband is different than mine. I'm still not sure why this bothers you so much -- I certainly am not about to tell you you should have stayed with someone whose morals did not match yours. If my moral standards and my bf's mesh, why is there a problem between us?
In fact, something that surprised me was that I spoke to my ex recently and he actually thanked me for asking him not to go his friend's party. He said I had helped to make him a better person. It was nice also hearing from some of my guy friends that they admired my high standards too.
That is sweet. I realize we're having a bit of a harsh banter here and you may take that sarcastically, but I'm being totally honest here. It was a sweet comment he made, and I am happy he shared that with you.
In all of your responses, you didn't respond to what I said about Christians doing what we can to get our spouses into heaven.
I didn't see this in the first one, sorry. I think to respond to this would delve into the area of theological debate, so I'm going to avoid it somewhat. My boyfriend is a not-really-practicing Buddhist, so it's something of a moot point besides.