Baby fe...ver?

[Rhododendron]

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[joanna1]

We'll presuming you're looking for answers from women who feel that way, not just other people who feel like you so i'll try and expain
Wanting to give birth is natural. It's most women's deepest longing; it's a legitimate desire abundantly illustrated in the bible. However some women, like those on this sub-forum, have the "gift of childlessness", i guess, which enables them to not struggle with the issue - even better - to rejoice over it! And use the extra time and money for beneficial activities. It's a true blessing.

I am not married. That alone completely destroys me, day after day. It's a myriad of unmet needs, broken dreams, feelings of inferiority, daily struggle. Therefore I cannot have children. I've always dreamt of having children, i've always wanted to be close to my baby and do for her/him everything i whish someone had done for me. I want to have someone else to live for, someone to care for, someone to love inconditionnally, who will love me back. I feel incomplete as a woman without a husband and child. My body was designed to carry a child and it's not being used. I feel somehow denied in a dimension of my humanity. I have always struggled with the fear of being left alone, since childhood. And my biggest fear has come true. Sometimes I have physical pains in my belly where i feel there should be a baby.

Asking God to take over, trying to accept his will for my life, asking him to change me and my heart rather than my circumstances has not healed me so far.

Being a wife and mum is the only dream i've ever had and i can't make it go away. Why now? Because a women's fertility window is actually quite short. It's like a bomb ticking, you know that everyday going past is a day less to have a chance of conceiving.

Also because i wanted my children to be friends with my friends children... looks like that is not going to happen. And because my parents had me late and i really don't want to reproduce that pattern.

Well i came to this forum for inspiration from those who experience childlessness as a blessing. Hasn't worked on me but i'm grateful that you are all happy, fulfilled and complete in this state.

 

[Amélie Unbound]

In a way I can kind of understand it, because I'll confess I had a kind of crazy need for a husband. I got married at the age of 31, and for a few years before that, wanting to get married was all I thought about. I wanted a husband as badly as most women want babies. I tried to come to terms with the thought that I might never get married, but no matter how hard I tried, that thought filled me with bitterness. I would think, "Okay, God, if You don't want me to ever get married, I'll try to be content with that. So FINE." And then I would cry.

But I never, ever, had those thoughts (or needs, or urges) about having a baby. Honestly, I wouldn't ever even think about babies or pregnancy if other people didn't bring up the subjects so often. It's like there's this big... blank, or something, where that urge is supposed to be.

So what I'm saying is, I know what a crazy need/urge/desire feels like. I know it can be a powerful thing. I completely respect those who have such urges to have babies, even though I don't have that particular urge myself.

 

[snoochface]

I have noticed the baby fever too, but only after I read this thread and started thinking about it. Amazingly, there are at least three people that I know.... no, I take that back, four people,who are either having babies or trying desperately to have babies, and that's just off the top of my head. These are people I know personally, too, not just online. And I have a pretty small circle of friends!

For the ones trying and wanting it so bad, I feel for them. I know what it's like to want something so so so much that it just aches. I can't relate to the baby part of it, but I know the feeling very well. I can only hope and pray that they get their heart's desire.

(This is going to sound bad on me, but..... )

For the ones actually having their babies? I wish so much they had something else to talk about.

 

[Epoh99]

I think our society has a tendency to always want more and never be satisfied with what God has currently given us. I know that I couldn't wait to be married and then after that I thought I'd never graduate with my BS and then I wanted a brand new apartment and after I got that I was dying for house... I actually think it's a sin to become so obsessed with anything, whether it be babies, a husband, a house, and so forth. I find it very sad that we are wasting the precious time we have always wanting more or desiring to be in the next stage of life. There's nothing wrong to want things or to be excited about the future, but it is wrong for these things to turn into an idol or an obsession.

I became very convicted of this a couple of months ago when my Sunday school teacher lost his 19 year old son to a horrific car accident. I realized I was wasting the years God had given me worrying, being bitter, giving into hate, and desperately wanting to be at a different stage in my life.

So although I've never had baby fever, I have experienced intense desire for things. When I read on here or speak in person to women obsessed with having babies all I can think is how sad it is. We don't know how many years God has given us and to try so hard to speed up His will only brings heart ache. I'm not judging anyone and am talking to myself as much as I am anyone else.

I have the tendency to believe that it makes God sad also. He has blessed us with so much and yet we can't seem to find satisfaction. Many women with baby fever will soon be talking about how they can't wait for the pregnancy to be over and then they can't wait for the baby to talk and then be potty trained... it never ends. And before anyone reports me for flaming, I am guilty also. My husband and I got married over 7 years ago and had a teeny tiny one bed, one bath apartment for $400/month. Soon we became disatisfied and I just knew that if I had a 2 bed 1 bath I'd be happy so that's what we got for around $600/month. Not long I found that 1 bathroom was just not enough so we moved to a 2 bed 2 bath for $700/month. Well that complex started looking kind of old (the complex was only 8 years old but that was my mindset--always wanting more) so we moved to a brand new apartment complex down the street for over $900/month. You can probably guess what happened; within about 6 months I was unhappy yet again and wanted a house so badly that you could say I had house fever.

Baby fever? Honestly it breaks my heart; not because these women aren't having babies but because society as a whole (and I am SUPER GUILTY of this) is disatisifed with the place in life where God has them.

and for us all.

Edited to add: I really don't mean to sound preachy or judgemental. Being satisfied where I am in life is something I'm currently working on personally and is something I struggle with tremendously.

 

[Epoh99]

...
For the ones actually having their babies? I wish so much they had something else to talk about.

Just start talking about your dog and all the cute things he/she does (can't remember if it's a boy or girl dog). You can talk about house breaking if they mention potty training. You can talk about your dog being a picky eater if they bring up feeding the baby. They'll soon either get sick of you or think you're crazy.

 

[Amélie Unbound]

I think our society has a tendency to always want more and never be satisfied with what God has currently given us.

What I think is really funny is that I am content (now), but some people think that's a sin too. Contentment equals complacency in some people's eyes. They think I should be wanting and striving for more.

 

[Galadriel]

I think our society has a tendency to always want more and never be satisfied with what God has currently given us. I know that I couldn't wait to be married and then after that I thought I'd never graduate with my BS and then I wanted a brand new apartment and after I got that I was dying for house... I actually think it's a sin to become so obsessed with anything, whether it be babies, a husband, a house, and so forth. I find it very sad that we are wasting the precious time we have always wanting more or desiring to be in the next stage of life. There's nothing wrong to want things or to be excited about the future, but it is wrong for these things to turn into an idol or an obsession.

I became very convicted of this a couple of months ago when my Sunday school teacher lost his 19 year old son to a horrific car accident. I realized I was wasting the years God had given me worrying, being bitter, giving into hate, and desperately wanting to be at a different stage in my life.

So although I've never had baby fever, I have experienced intense desire for things. When I read on here or speak in person to women obsessed with having babies all I can think is how sad it is. We don't know how many years God has given us and to try so hard to speed up His will only brings heart ache. I'm not judging anyone and am talking to myself as much as I am anyone else.

I have the tendency to believe that it makes God sad also. He has blessed us with so much and yet we can't seem to find satisfaction. Many women with baby fever will soon be talking about how they can't wait for the pregnancy to be over and then they can't wait for the baby to talk and then be potty trained... it never ends. And before anyone reports me for flaming, I am guilty also. My husband and I got married over 7 years ago and had a teeny tiny one bed, one bath apartment for $400/month. Soon we became disatisfied and I just knew that if I had a 2 bed 1 bath I'd be happy so that's what we got for around $600/month. Not long I found that 1 bathroom was just not enough so we moved to a 2 bed 2 bath for $700/month. Well that complex started looking kind of old (the complex was only 8 years old but that was my mindset--always wanting more) so we moved to a brand new apartment complex down the street for over $900/month. You can probably guess what happened; within about 6 months I was unhappy yet again and wanted a house so badly that you could say I had house fever.

Baby fever? Honestly it breaks my heart; not because these women aren't having babies but because society as a whole (and I am SUPER GUILTY of this) is disatisifed with the place in life where God has them.

and for us all.

Edited to add: I really don't mean to sound preachy or judgemental. Being satisfied where I am in life is something I'm currently working on personally and is something I struggle with tremendously.

Epoch this is a very good post I think. It is so true. I myself have been learning about being content with what you have.

I agree very much with your post (and likewise have been guilty of the same, tho not with babies, other things) and your right it is sad in a way that we get so consumed and can never really find what satisfies us, probably because we are looking in the wrong places.

Orchard, I know what you mean as well. There are people who do think its wrong to be content (as tho that means being lazy), but I don't think they are the same thing. Its one thing to need to move on but be stuck and not wanting to move on, and another entirely to be happy with what you have and with where you are at.

 

[joanna1]

Contentment is obviously ideal. But it's not something you can switch on. It's something i'm struggling with like crazy, because believe me i don't want to spend the next 50 years of my life feeling this sad. This is why i'm working very hard on trusting God with my future and accepting the idea of singleness...

But suffering is also portrayed extensively in the bible; it is not wrong. Numerous women suffered from being childless and God heard their prayers, he didn't say "be content as you are". When the desire is very close to a need it's sometimes impossible to overlook it. Some desires are trully fondamental and I know it will take a powerfull miracle to remove the desire from my heart and soul. It also didn't emerge randomly as i felt i wanted to move into a next stage of life - but at the end of a long series of trials that left me extremely weak to start with.

 

[Epoh99]

...Contentment equals complacency in some people's eyes. They think I should be wanting and striving for more.

People just need to mind their own business.
Actually, I just thought, those are probably people very miserable and unhappy with their own lives. Life is tough enough as it is without people, especially Christians, bringing us down even more when we're doing well!

... we get so consumed and can never really find what satisfies us, probably because we are looking in the wrong places...

Good point about looking in the wrong places. I am very guilty of that. "Once I get the new car, then I'll be happy....not happy yet... well once I get my new job, then I'll be happy..."

Contentment is obviously ideal. But it's not something you can switch on. It's something i'm struggling with like crazy, because believe me i don't want to spend the next 50 years of my life feeling this sad....

Yep, you are right. It's really tough and I sure wish it was something you could switch on like a light. It would make my life a lot easier.

But suffering is also portrayed extensively in the bible; it is not wrong. Numerous women suffered from being childless and God heard their prayers, he didn't say "be content as you are". When the desire is very close to a need it's sometimes impossible to overlook it. Some desires are trully fondamental and I know it will take a powerfull miracle to remove the desire from my heart and soul....

You are exactly right about suffering. My pastor just preached on it and how people are wrong to think Christians don't suffer. I also know that God can open a woman's womb so that she can have children.

I certainly was not trying to come across like we need to be happy all the time, or that suffering is a sin and that God tries to keep things from us. All I was trying to say is that to be so consumed with "it" (whatever "it" is; babies, a husband, a job, material things, etc) that "it" takes over your life is sad.

 

[HeyHomie]

It's spring. Prime baby-rabies season.

 

[fuzzymel]

Yep. I think people have very quiet winters so spent their time getting well...... you know.

I thankfully was not that bored. Actually it was a mild winter here but there are still just as many pregnant women around. (by the way this is a joke so no lurkers getting mad please).

I feel a little left out sometimes. I am the only one thats losing weight and everyone else seems to be gaining it.

Funnily enough this time last year I was feeling a little left out. This year I am relieved those feelings didnt come back.

 

[mina]

hey, hope i can post here. I think i have a fever or a deep deep burning desire for a family (a husband and children). It doesn't just go away after spring time. To those who don't know what it is to feel this way- you can't explain it to them. People will tell you - you are sinning that you are ungrateful for what you have , etc... and that hurts more than anything. It's like I can't even confide these feelings to anyone and ask for prayer, b/c i'm scared stiff that someone will beat me with untruths or gossip about me . I think there are some people (women especially) that feel a great need to be a wife and /or a mother. Likewise there are some that don't but feel great desire and passion for something else. I feel this is how God has made me- why it hasn't happend or been allowed in my life thus far I don't know and can't say. I just keep humbly asking God for it. I feel this for a family of my own. I do teach and am involved in children's ministry- I'm starting to see that I don't feel deep desire and passion for caring for other women's children- it doesn't seem to cut it for me anymore. In a way my desire is totally selfish, but in another way I want to give of myself/share of myself to a husband and children (and NOT to other people's children). In a way this is not a fleeting whim of mine- I know who i am in Christ, I know what I want in life (realizing that i submit totally to God) and i feel it sooo sooo deeply. Some don't and I don't think I ever expect anyone to feel the way I do about this- but it's the way I feel about myself about this. I think i'm rambling so i'll shut up now.


I have known women that get baby fever just b/c it's the "in" thing to do and I don't think it's the same kind of desire for a child that I have. Some (not all) women just want a baby b/c all the other couples are or they want the attention. That sounds kind of bad but i've witnessed that before. And I don't agree with that.

 

[Rhododendron]

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[bluebug83]

I think our society has a tendency to always want more and never be satisfied with what God has currently given us. I know that I couldn't wait to be married and then after that I thought I'd never graduate with my BS and then I wanted a brand new apartment and after I got that I was dying for house... I actually think it's a sin to become so obsessed with anything, whether it be babies, a husband, a house, and so forth. I find it very sad that we are wasting the precious time we have always wanting more or desiring to be in the next stage of life. There's nothing wrong to want things or to be excited about the future, but it is wrong for these things to turn into an idol or an obsession.

Excellent observation!

Though I do have to agree with Orchard that I too feel pretty content at this point in my life. I've already got my degree, have no desire to go get a further degree, and we were fortunate enough to buy a house at the same time we got married. I guess there is one area in which I do feel somewhat discontent, and that is that I'm dying to pay off our student loan debt (we have a lot). But the idea still applies, I should be satisfied with where I'm at.

Actually, the feeling of desire to get to "the next step" is part of the reason why I really don't want kids at this point. I really enjoy having it be just my husband and myself, being able to travel, having free time, etc. I think if I had kids right now it would wear on me to the point where I'd be really looking forward to when the kids were grown and out of the house so I could have that back. I felt the same way about high school and college when I was in those phases in my life. And it's 18 (or more) years, which is a significant portion of one's life. If kids grew up and were out of the house in 5 years, I wouldn't be quite as concerned, but 18 years is a very long time to give up my quietness/simplicity, and I want to make sure I'm 100% OK with that before doing so.

 

[Amélie Unbound]

This may sound odd coming from me, since I don't actually have any burning desires right now (other than for things to stay the same!), but I think that some of our desires may be God-given. I think some people have a burning desire to have a spouse because God wants them to have a spouse and intends to someday give them a spouse, and the same can be true for women who want babies. Let's face it, some people are meant to be parents, so for them to have a desire for something God plans to give them can be a good thing.

After all, the Bible does say that if we delight ourselves in the Lord, He'll give us the desires of our hearts, right?

I agree that our desires shouldn't become obsessions, of course. Obsession of any kind is never healthy. But I wouldn't write off all desires as unhealthy obsessions. I guess it's like anything else, moderation is important.

 

[mina]

This may sound odd coming from me, since I don't actually have any burning desires right now (other than for things to stay the same!), but I think that some of our desires may be God-given. I think some people have a burning desire to have a spouse because God wants them to have a spouse and intends to someday give them a spouse, and the same can be true for women who want babies. Let's face it, some people are meant to be parents, so for them to have a desire for something God plans to give them can be a good thing.

After all, the Bible does say that if we delight ourselves in the Lord, He'll give us the desires of our hearts, right?

I agree that our desires shouldn't become obsessions, of course. Obsession of any kind is never healthy. But I wouldn't write off all desires as unhealthy obsessions. I guess it's like anything else, moderation is important.

I agree.

 

[Amélie Unbound]

People just need to mind their own business.

I completely agree. Why are people on each other's case so much?

Actually, I just thought, those are probably people very miserable and unhappy with their own lives. Life is tough enough as it is without people, especially Christians, bringing us down even more when we're doing well!

I agree.

You know that expression, "fair-weather friends"? I seem to have had more of the opposite. People who want to be my friend when things aren't going well and I'm miserable, and then want nothing to do with me when things are going well and I'm happy. Misery loves company, as they say.

There's too much envy out there, I think. Some people can't handle knowing that someone else is happy. I can't relate to that. I want people to be happy. I rejoice when friends have good news. Even when I was miserable, I still wanted other people to be happy.

Fortunately, I do have a few true friends, who have stuck by me in joy and in sorrow. Friends like that are rare, and worth more than their weight in gold.

 

[Epoh99]

I agree with all these posts. We're a bunch of smart women. Oh, and man. Sorry HeyHomie.

Yep, I think it is true that God does put desires into us and that they are natural. I guess what I was thinking of in my original post was along the lines of people I've been in contact with. Since the baby fever was the OP's original example I'll use that. Some women will literally spend almost every waking moment consumed with having a baby. They spend tons of money, constantly talk about and research getting pregnant, focus intently on their reproductive system, and even take the fun out of sex by having it all planned out. I just don't know how that kind of desire is healthy. Maybe it is healthy but I just see it taking away too much from their spiritual lives, marriage, and other relationships.

I see how it can easily happen because I did that very, very slightly not too long ago when I wanted a dog. I wanted a dog so badly that on my breaks at work I'd be looking up dog stuff online, I'd talk to people about it, and then once I got home I'd research it some more. I quickly caught myself and just prayed about it. Soon someone actually went out and surprised me by buying me a dog!

I think we as Christians need to be aware not to turn our natural desires into obsessions, idols, whatever you want to call them.

Interesting discussion, Rhododendron. Thanks for starting this topic.

 

[RunnerGirl]

As they say, "there must be something in the water..."

(I can say this in good conscience because I've caught a bit of the bug myself lately and am trying to shake it...)

My 4 closest girlfriends (all my roommates from college) ALL have children under 2yrs old and 2 of them are pregnant right now for the second time. All I EVER hear about from them is baby baby baby (Luckily I have a good enough relationship with them to tell them to knock it off when it reaches the ridiculous stage). Unfortunately, I do think that they are caught up in a strange race of sorts (they've all had girls and I think they're all lobbying to be the first with a boy, LOL).

Anyway, yes. Baby fever has hit Northern California. Now we're just waiting for the bird flu......