Awkward Situation

[darksun_nemesis]

I feel really weird talking about this, because it's so bizarre, but it's been bothering me non-stop for several days and I'm definately not talking to anyone I know about it, so I guess why not strangers on the internet?

I've been dating a girl from my high school class since right after graduation and it's been going pretty well. I like her, she likes me, we've never had anything even close to an arguement, and we're both staying in the area for college, so no worries there. She's religious and I'm not, but she doesn't go on at me about it and in return I try to tone down my language around her. It doesn't actually come up a lot. The only thing that even remotely gets on my nerves about it is that she's waiting for marriage, so holding hands and a good night kiss is about as far as it goes, which is frustrating as hell. If it were anyone else, that would probably be a deal breaker, but for her...maybe I could stick it out, I don't know.

The problem came up last weekend. It was her birthday and she invited me to her house because her parents were going to make this big dinner and she wanted me to be there. We hadn't met each other's parents, so I think she was thinking since we're kind of past the point where we're now seriously together it would be a good idea. The only thing I knew about them was that her dad is some kind of minister, although we never talked about the details. Well, it turns out that her mother is a messianic jew, she was raised jewish and became a Christian later. To understand why this freaks me out, you have to know that my family are very outspoken white power advocates. My grandfather is actually semi-famous in the movement, and my parents and uncles/aunts/etc. are pretty heavily involved. Before anyone jumps me over it, when I was a kid, I was kind of into it, and when I'm home I talk the talk to avoid an arguement, but now I'd really rather just get on with my life and now that I'm in college and have my own place I'm trying to kind of get out from under the "family business" a little bit.

I've touched on this a little bit with my g/f, because I didn't want her to find out from someone else, but she didn't tell me about her mom until right before we went in the house. To be honest, if I had known, I probably wouldn't have gone. Her parents were really polite, but I could tell they knew who's kid I was. It's kind of a small town. I talked to her yesterday and she said her parents had a long discussion with her about it, but they didn't like try to forbid her from ever seeing me again or anything. If my family found out I was dating someone of jewish descent, though, all hell would break loose.

So, yeah. I don't have a freaking clue what to do. She seems to think it's going to work out fine ("God will take care of it, just wait"), but I'm not sure. I think I love her and I don't want to ditch a good thing, but she might be better off with someone else, someone who gets the Christian thing and doesn't have all the crazy family baggage.

Sorry for the long-winded first post, but that's about a weeks worth of built up "what the hell?!!!"

 

[Digit]

I feel really weird talking about this, because it's so bizarre, but it's been bothering me non-stop for several days and I'm definately not talking to anyone I know about it, so I guess why not strangers on the internet?

I've been dating a girl from my high school class since right after graduation and it's been going pretty well. I like her, she likes me, we've never had anything even close to an arguement, and we're both staying in the area for college, so no worries there. She's religious and I'm not, but she doesn't go on at me about it and in return I try to tone down my language around her. It doesn't actually come up a lot. The only thing that even remotely gets on my nerves about it is that she's waiting for marriage, so holding hands and a good night kiss is about as far as it goes, which is frustrating as hell. If it were anyone else, that would probably be a deal breaker, but for her...maybe I could stick it out, I don't know.

The problem came up last weekend. It was her birthday and she invited me to her house because her parents were going to make this big dinner and she wanted me to be there. We hadn't met each other's parents, so I think she was thinking since we're kind of past the point where we're now seriously together it would be a good idea. The only thing I knew about them was that her dad is some kind of minister, although we never talked about the details. Well, it turns out that her mother is a messianic jew, she was raised jewish and became a Christian later. To understand why this freaks me out, you have to know that my family are very outspoken white power advocates. My grandfather is actually semi-famous in the movement, and my parents and uncles/aunts/etc. are pretty heavily involved. Before anyone jumps me over it, when I was a kid, I was kind of into it, and when I'm home I talk the talk to avoid an arguement, but now I'd really rather just get on with my life and now that I'm in college and have my own place I'm trying to kind of get out from under the "family business" a little bit.

I've touched on this a little bit with my g/f, because I didn't want her to find out from someone else, but she didn't tell me about her mom until right before we went in the house. To be honest, if I had known, I probably wouldn't have gone. Her parents were really polite, but I could tell they knew who's kid I was. It's kind of a small town. I talked to her yesterday and she said her parents had a long discussion with her about it, but they didn't like try to forbid her from ever seeing me again or anything. If my family found out I was dating someone of jewish descent, though, all hell would break loose.

So, yeah. I don't have a freaking clue what to do. She seems to think it's going to work out fine ("God will take care of it, just wait"), but I'm not sure. I think I love her and I don't want to ditch a good thing, but she might be better off with someone else, someone who gets the Christian thing and doesn't have all the crazy family baggage.

Sorry for the long-winded first post, but that's about a weeks worth of built up "what the hell?!!!"

Interesting, you are both quite young and as such are probably still under the parents thumb a fair bit, which sort of sucks as I've been there, so I feel your pain.

At some stage in your life, you are going to need to define who you are to your family, and that, by the sounds of it, will be a pretty exciting conversation as you say you don't really have their sort of enthusiasm and drive for their beliefs - and I don't really blame you there.

In respects to your girlfriend, what do you think? Does it bother you that she is a Christian? Her views on sex are going to be difficult to understand and come to terms with for you and of course her family too - there really isn't anything we can tell you really that will 'fix' this for you, it's pretty much your ball - my advice for what it's worth:

Stay true to yourself, your beliefs and character and treat your family and hers with respect, both in direct dealings with them, but also in dealings with your girlfriend and when you talk to others about them. Lastly, think about the long-term - is this girl someone you really like/love, and do you feel there is the prospect of a future there - think about children (scary I know) and how your beliefs and hers could cause issues. I'm not trying to put you off, but it's just wise to plan ahead, and also it wins ground with the parents, if you show you've been thinking about the future.

Seriously, so been there, my wife's family is pretty super-religious, and I had a really tough time when I first met them at their Christmas dinner + around 20 relatives, whoo, fun. >_<!

 

[Van]

Hi Darksun, yes it appears you have too much baggage. She deserves someone who judges her by the content of her character, not her DNA. We cannot pick our parents, so if you were born into a family that believes in segregation based on bloodline, and she was born into a family that obviously believes we the same in Christ, whether Jew or Gentile, it sounds too much like Romeo and Juliet.

 

[salida]

Exactly Van.

No offense but as a christian who seems to be dedicated I'm surprised that she is dating you because you do have a lot of baggage. Nothing should get serious at all - until you both are aware of what consequences of everything. Like what if you have kids, etc.? This sounds disasterous initially.

Wedjat-

It consider it one of the main issues sir.

 

[Wedjat]

Salida, I don't think he's saying that sex is the main issue, it was more of an afterthought in his introduction of his girlfriend.
Darksun, you are old enough now to take a firm stance against your parents. You don't need to confront them with it, nor does it need to turn into an argument, but if they so much as suggest that you shouldn't be dating this girl because of her heritage, you have every right to tell them to mind their own business. Don't be afraid of standing up for what you believe. And it couldn't hurt to let her mother know up front and honestly that you are not involved with your family's white power activities and don't think that way. If anything, it might endear her to you.

[edit] just reading these last few posts. Don't dump your girlfriend because you think you don't deserve her. If she thought that way she would have dumped you long ago, so hold on tight, she sounds like a gem.

 

[Quaero]

just reading these last few posts. Don't dump your girlfriend because you think you don't deserve her. If she thought that way she would have dumped you long ago, so hold on tight, she sounds like a gem.

I agree, You are both people in your own right, you are not your parents. Wedjat offered some very good advice, stay together and stand by your convictions.


I'll say a prayer for you

 

[Bryanfromiowa]

You need to search your own heart and really decide not only your own beliefs are but how far you are willing to go to up hold those beliefs. Questions you need consider in your hearty and head are.

Is your family so bigoted that they would never accept her


If you were to get serious with her and would they reject you completely as well

If you indeed don't share that mind set are you willing to risk your relationship with your family to standup for what you believe in a for the love of a woman .

Is her family going to declare you guilty of the sins of your family.
Good luck

 

[Dondi]

My question is what do YOU think of her mother's ancestry? You've said that you were into it as a kid, but do you still harbor those feelings. If you've done the Ed Norton turn around (see American History X), then it ought not to matter what the rest of you family thinks. You should take a stand. The only way to get rid of prejudices is to confront them head on. Who knows, maybe you can change the course of your families thinking.

However, don't do anything at the expense of your GF's family.

 

[bluemarkus]

There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not.
The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. PROVERBS 30:18+19 KJV

 

[heron]

Use every situation you are in for the good.

You don't need to decide if she is your permanent partner, if you approve of her mother, if your family will come to a wedding. Right now, you are in a situation where everyone can grow a little. Enjoy it for what it is.

It is awkward of course, but it is also a nice way to see how normal people can be when they are blacklisted by a group. You fell in love with someone you never expected to... and see that she is not that much different.

Keep in mind that even though she doesn't talk about her faith much, it is still a big part of her. Silence often leads to presumptions, and then partners/spouses endure a shock when people want to live their faith more boldly.

Allow yourself to find out who she is, not just who you want her to be. That's a normal dating issue -I'm not targeting your situation. But my goodness, you do have an unusual one to deal with!

If you're renting videos, look for "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" 1967, The Breakfast Club (always on TV), Gung Ho, Last Samurai ... movies showing situations where people are seen as outsiders.

 

[bluelime2]

I have to wonder why she's dating a non-christian. You could try to convert 'for her' but it'll just come back on both of you in the longterm if it isn't genuine. What's she going to do if you don't become a christian, dump you?

If it was me I'd let her go unless you were genuinely interested in giving christianity a fair shot and actully end up a christian. Otherwise as far as I can see, it's a dead end. She shouldn't have gone out with you in the first place.

(And as for your parents. They're them and you're you. Yes if you did become a christian (genuinely) down the track and got married it could cause problems with your parents, but if they're wrong, they're wrong. Just don't let them give her a hard time or put pressure on your marriage because that wouldn't be fair to your wife.

(But once again, only if you find a genuine relationship with God through christianity yourself. Faking it could be one of the worst things you ever do to both of you.)

 

[Waffleman]

I feel really weird talking about this, because it's so bizarre, but it's been bothering me non-stop for several days and I'm definately not talking to anyone I know about it, so I guess why not strangers on the internet?

I've been dating a girl from my high school class since right after graduation and it's been going pretty well. I like her, she likes me, we've never had anything even close to an arguement, and we're both staying in the area for college, so no worries there. She's religious and I'm not, but she doesn't go on at me about it and in return I try to tone down my language around her. It doesn't actually come up a lot. The only thing that even remotely gets on my nerves about it is that she's waiting for marriage, so holding hands and a good night kiss is about as far as it goes, which is frustrating as hell. If it were anyone else, that would probably be a deal breaker, but for her...maybe I could stick it out, I don't know.

The problem came up last weekend. It was her birthday and she invited me to her house because her parents were going to make this big dinner and she wanted me to be there. We hadn't met each other's parents, so I think she was thinking since we're kind of past the point where we're now seriously together it would be a good idea. The only thing I knew about them was that her dad is some kind of minister, although we never talked about the details. Well, it turns out that her mother is a messianic jew, she was raised jewish and became a Christian later. To understand why this freaks me out, you have to know that my family are very outspoken white power advocates. My grandfather is actually semi-famous in the movement, and my parents and uncles/aunts/etc. are pretty heavily involved. Before anyone jumps me over it, when I was a kid, I was kind of into it, and when I'm home I talk the talk to avoid an arguement, but now I'd really rather just get on with my life and now that I'm in college and have my own place I'm trying to kind of get out from under the "family business" a little bit.

I've touched on this a little bit with my g/f, because I didn't want her to find out from someone else, but she didn't tell me about her mom until right before we went in the house. To be honest, if I had known, I probably wouldn't have gone. Her parents were really polite, but I could tell they knew who's kid I was. It's kind of a small town. I talked to her yesterday and she said her parents had a long discussion with her about it, but they didn't like try to forbid her from ever seeing me again or anything. If my family found out I was dating someone of jewish descent, though, all hell would break loose.

So, yeah. I don't have a freaking clue what to do. She seems to think it's going to work out fine ("God will take care of it, just wait"), but I'm not sure. I think I love her and I don't want to ditch a good thing, but she might be better off with someone else, someone who gets the Christian thing and doesn't have all the crazy family baggage.

Sorry for the long-winded first post, but that's about a weeks worth of built up "what the hell?!!!"

Well, from a pscyhological point of view, best thing to do is to confront it, I'm guessing that your parents aren't really the "I'll crush you with a baseball bat, n*gger!"-kind of "Advocates", rather than "The sound of music"-kind of "Advocates". You should simply tell your parents the truth, I mean, if you have a decent family, they will forgive you, and if not, well then I guess that's their loss for hating the major world population. Point is: if they truly love you, they will simply accept it and move on with their lives, and if they don't... Well... I've been despised by my family for over two years now, and it's not such a big deal.

As for the becomming christian part... I mean, I guess you could pretend to be it, a lie for the sake of harmony can't hurt anyone, just look at the old testament, and then ask a priest about it...

 

[Jesusfreak93]

Prayer and faith in God is a powerful thing, do not doubt what He can do. He is the creator of the heavens and earth, and has a plan for you and your girlfriend. I will pray for you, that God would work His will in this situation, and in your family. She's got the right idea, God's gonna work this out in time, and though it may not be the solution you would like, it will be what's best for you. Trust me, it'll work out. But, without Christ in your life, it will be much harder for you. I'm not pushing for a conversion, just telling you how it will be.

 

[darksun_nemesis]

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this post, but a lot has been going on. Thanks for all the advice.

My g/f and I are still together. I asked her whether she'd rather date a Christian, and she said she hoped I would be a Christian some day and she loved me regardless of whether I was a Christian or not, but she would rather it be because I wanted to be a Christian rather than just something I did for her. So, we're kind of playing it by ear I guess.

My parents found out about her mom, though, apparently my little brother got into my IM logs and ratted me out, so I'm pretty much not on speaking terms with anyone in my family anymore and I don't know if I ever really will be again, especially if we end up getting married or something. Her parents are still not thrilled with the whole thing, but after the whole blow up with my family they've kind of chilled out a lot and actually invited me to have Christmas with them, which was cool, if a little weird. Her mom has been really nice to me, but I'm always worried I'm going to offend her somehow, even though I don't really buy into the racist stuff anymore. Everything I'm used to is so totally the opposite of her family that sometimes I feel like I might as well be from a different country or something. And even though I know my g/f is happy, I can't help but think that she could do so much better than me, especially now that I'm kind of on my own.

 

[firefighter1234]

I only have a couple of thoughts which might apply. First is regarding sex. This is not something to be taken lightly. I would never expect to bed a girl that I was in love with out of respect for her as a child of God. Godly men and women should think first of the results of their actions. Sex before marriage degrades us in a personal way. Love is not about sex. But sex is usually only about sex.

Maturity is of great importance. When we are sufficiently matured we recognize and set aside those hurtful attributes which are products of our upbringings like racism and religious bias. Let the parents suffer in the world of their own making but do not punish yourselves to satisfy them.

You do not love this woman. If you did you would have known it a long time ago and never would have gotten to the point of writing your post here. Instead of thinking that sex is something to be expected, which it is not, talk to her about your lives together. Talk about children and schooling and careers for each of you. Talk about where you might want to live and about plans for retirement. Decide now what each brings to the marriage and what each must give up. Discover now by deliberately forcing the issues and you will know soon enough if what you both have is for real. I will tell you both that it seems you are just both satisfying a need for other than family companionship. Marriage is about a lifetime together no matter what.

Go on dates and avoid the usual drinking and party things. In fact discard them as being false and artificial. They have nothing to do with real life. Do something unusual like go to church together where neither of you is known. How do you both feel doing this? Here is something else you can discover and sort out before it's too late.

Date other people if opportunities arise.

Keep your dignity and do not expect your girlfriend to give hers away by expecting sex from her as though it were no more than a social activity. If you can't keep it in your shorts you are not yet a man.

Bless you both. Keep to the highest and best in everything you both do.

JamesYaqub