Who Am I? Your interested to find out about me and get to know who I am.. Who am I? ..Well that is a good question. At one time i thought i knew, but now that is as distant as the west is from the east. I have no clue to be honest. - I will say that I am not perfect i have many struggles and downfalls that blemish who I am. I recently have done research and found that i perfectly fit the description of someone with AvPD, Avoidant Personality Disorder.
I can tell you that my name is Sarah. I was brought into this strange world in the land we call Oregon about 24 years ago, the year was 1988. I was a born a secret child. Extended family nor even my parents parents knew about me. No one was to know about my birth at that time because of an incident that happened a year prior with my older sister, she was taken away by children services and put up for adoption and never to be seen again. It hurts sometimes, knowing there is someone in this world that is a sister too me but I never have or will get to meet or even know her.
I was hidden from the world, isolated, to say the least with only my mother and father for the longest time. At some point in my life ( I don't remember when) i was introduced to other human species (They actually do exist..) though i must say that many of them are quite peculiar. I cannot relate too them well. They never shut up, they babble nonstop, while i sit among the jabbering in silence. Many times they use references saying too me "You're too quiet" or they will ask "Do you know how to speak?" - I am introvert, I choose not to speak because of certain reasons. One because i'm better at writing then speaking. Secondly, I know what i want to say but I have respect for others and chose not to be blunt too hurt people, that is not my nature. Thirdly, because of my upbringing i have never been a social person, so i have taught myself to express myself differently.
I am judged because of my indifference. People do not understand that we are not all programmed to operate the same way, we are created differently and many factors we are exposed too design us too be who we are this very day. All in all, I feel my life resembles a gigantic pimple on somones forehead that everyone stares at and gossips about. - I always perceive what people do as negative, and i feel foolish no matter what, even if i have done nothing. I criticize myself either way on whether i should've said or done something or if i should've just remained silent. My mind is always thinking, always over analyzing myself. My mind thinks what other people are thinking of me, and its always the worse case scenario, always.
My life has been no walk through the tulips (and no i'm not having a pity party.) I know that other people have had it worse then myself and i must say i'm fortunate but what i endured wounded me to the core. Like i said i was born secretly, I couldn't be around any one for a long time which ruined my social development When i finally was introduced to life and to other people I was terribly shy, i felt very awkward in my actions and what i should do in situations that involved others. When it came time for my first day of school it was so frightening for me. I clung to my mother and cried. As time passed on i over came that fear of being without my mom, but i still continued to feel like i didn't belong among the other kids. During recess i was made fun of by others "I remember being call "Miss Piggy" and other names which felt like someone stabbing a knife through me each time i was not accepted.
My memory is fragmented I can remember certain things in my life but the majority of these memories are the events that happened to me that hurt the most. As a little girl i remember both my mom and dad arguing constantly. My mom has told me in instances where he would would be angry and rageful and break things in the house, screaming at the top of his lungs. No child should have to experience that. Then every week my grandmother would come by and my dad and her would take things that had meaning to me (like stuffed animals or certain toys) and i would never see them again. They were given to some other girl or boy that could use them more than myself. At different times through out my life, i remember getting a kitten and just as i began to bond with the animal and become close to it, my dad would get angry and make me get rid of it, or i would have to ditch it off somewhere. That hurt me the most because I was able to make friends with a creature that never judged me and always loved me. Because of instances like that i never again became close with anything or anyone. I expected it to just disappear or be taken from me every time. I have a difficult time forming relationships because of fear and rejection.
Through girlhood i witnessed and fell a victim of abuse of all forms, physically, mentally, sexually, and emotionally. The ones that hurt the most were the ones that dont leave marks on the outside but on the inside where they cant be seen by other eyes. Though keeping in bottled up for years and years, it begins to eat a person from the inside out and I was too the point that it was beginning to show on the outside. I tried to remain strong for as long as i could but about a week ago the straw that broke the camels back was placed upon me and i nearly had a breakdown (well i did) but i was able to control myself.
Before the last straw was placed upon me I existed but i didn't live. I stayed up all night, and slept as much as i possibly could because i didn't want to face anyone, or deal with anything. I was falling in the deepest depression i have ever experienced. I never could talk to anyone about what i was feeling or experiencing. The only person would be my mom but she is rarely here and is too tired to talk to when she is. When i was awake i escaped from reality by entering into an online fantasy. I hated my life and I was insecure with my own identity so i created lives for non existing people and lived their life virtually. Its like an author writing a book from a characters point of view. The character has its own name, gender, plays a role in society somehow, has goals and dreams, with different hobbies, different difficulties, different families. It all has become overly complexed and complicated.
I tore apart this persons life over the course of a few months because of my addiction with living in a fantasy land. I finally had to tell him this person he was in love with didn't even exist and all the friends we made during that time were me too. I feel like a criminal, someone who should be put into a mental ward because of the way my mind works ( or doesn't work) He threatened me with having the authorities come to my door, he tried to trick my mind into the fact of thinking he would commit suicide if i didn't tell him everything about me, the real me. Its a long story of its own, but i managed to break ties with him. I still wait in fear for the police to arrive but i pray the do not.
I tried to explain to to this man, that i never had intentions of hurting him and that there was something wrong with me. I didn't know what it is so I had to research what I have had for almost all of my life. He will never know what was wrong with me but it really opened my eyes to see i had an a very severe issue caused from many issues i had never dealt with. Though for days i suffered in misery because of what i did i can only move forward and not do it again. I need to seek out help in order to get better or at least find a way to live life the best i can without just existing.
I can tell you that my name is Sarah. I was brought into this strange world in the land we call Oregon about 24 years ago, the year was 1988. I was a born a secret child. Extended family nor even my parents parents knew about me. No one was to know about my birth at that time because of an incident that happened a year prior with my older sister, she was taken away by children services and put up for adoption and never to be seen again. It hurts sometimes, knowing there is someone in this world that is a sister too me but I never have or will get to meet or even know her.
I was hidden from the world, isolated, to say the least with only my mother and father for the longest time. At some point in my life ( I don't remember when) i was introduced to other human species (They actually do exist..) though i must say that many of them are quite peculiar. I cannot relate too them well. They never shut up, they babble nonstop, while i sit among the jabbering in silence. Many times they use references saying too me "You're too quiet" or they will ask "Do you know how to speak?" - I am introvert, I choose not to speak because of certain reasons. One because i'm better at writing then speaking. Secondly, I know what i want to say but I have respect for others and chose not to be blunt too hurt people, that is not my nature. Thirdly, because of my upbringing i have never been a social person, so i have taught myself to express myself differently.
I am judged because of my indifference. People do not understand that we are not all programmed to operate the same way, we are created differently and many factors we are exposed too design us too be who we are this very day. All in all, I feel my life resembles a gigantic pimple on somones forehead that everyone stares at and gossips about. - I always perceive what people do as negative, and i feel foolish no matter what, even if i have done nothing. I criticize myself either way on whether i should've said or done something or if i should've just remained silent. My mind is always thinking, always over analyzing myself. My mind thinks what other people are thinking of me, and its always the worse case scenario, always.
My life has been no walk through the tulips (and no i'm not having a pity party.) I know that other people have had it worse then myself and i must say i'm fortunate but what i endured wounded me to the core. Like i said i was born secretly, I couldn't be around any one for a long time which ruined my social development When i finally was introduced to life and to other people I was terribly shy, i felt very awkward in my actions and what i should do in situations that involved others. When it came time for my first day of school it was so frightening for me. I clung to my mother and cried. As time passed on i over came that fear of being without my mom, but i still continued to feel like i didn't belong among the other kids. During recess i was made fun of by others "I remember being call "Miss Piggy" and other names which felt like someone stabbing a knife through me each time i was not accepted.
My memory is fragmented I can remember certain things in my life but the majority of these memories are the events that happened to me that hurt the most. As a little girl i remember both my mom and dad arguing constantly. My mom has told me in instances where he would would be angry and rageful and break things in the house, screaming at the top of his lungs. No child should have to experience that. Then every week my grandmother would come by and my dad and her would take things that had meaning to me (like stuffed animals or certain toys) and i would never see them again. They were given to some other girl or boy that could use them more than myself. At different times through out my life, i remember getting a kitten and just as i began to bond with the animal and become close to it, my dad would get angry and make me get rid of it, or i would have to ditch it off somewhere. That hurt me the most because I was able to make friends with a creature that never judged me and always loved me. Because of instances like that i never again became close with anything or anyone. I expected it to just disappear or be taken from me every time. I have a difficult time forming relationships because of fear and rejection.
Through girlhood i witnessed and fell a victim of abuse of all forms, physically, mentally, sexually, and emotionally. The ones that hurt the most were the ones that dont leave marks on the outside but on the inside where they cant be seen by other eyes. Though keeping in bottled up for years and years, it begins to eat a person from the inside out and I was too the point that it was beginning to show on the outside. I tried to remain strong for as long as i could but about a week ago the straw that broke the camels back was placed upon me and i nearly had a breakdown (well i did) but i was able to control myself.
Before the last straw was placed upon me I existed but i didn't live. I stayed up all night, and slept as much as i possibly could because i didn't want to face anyone, or deal with anything. I was falling in the deepest depression i have ever experienced. I never could talk to anyone about what i was feeling or experiencing. The only person would be my mom but she is rarely here and is too tired to talk to when she is. When i was awake i escaped from reality by entering into an online fantasy. I hated my life and I was insecure with my own identity so i created lives for non existing people and lived their life virtually. Its like an author writing a book from a characters point of view. The character has its own name, gender, plays a role in society somehow, has goals and dreams, with different hobbies, different difficulties, different families. It all has become overly complexed and complicated.
I tore apart this persons life over the course of a few months because of my addiction with living in a fantasy land. I finally had to tell him this person he was in love with didn't even exist and all the friends we made during that time were me too. I feel like a criminal, someone who should be put into a mental ward because of the way my mind works ( or doesn't work) He threatened me with having the authorities come to my door, he tried to trick my mind into the fact of thinking he would commit suicide if i didn't tell him everything about me, the real me. Its a long story of its own, but i managed to break ties with him. I still wait in fear for the police to arrive but i pray the do not.
I tried to explain to to this man, that i never had intentions of hurting him and that there was something wrong with me. I didn't know what it is so I had to research what I have had for almost all of my life. He will never know what was wrong with me but it really opened my eyes to see i had an a very severe issue caused from many issues i had never dealt with. Though for days i suffered in misery because of what i did i can only move forward and not do it again. I need to seek out help in order to get better or at least find a way to live life the best i can without just existing.
