At what age would you allow your teenager to date? And what would be the prerequisites to getting to date? What guidelines should be put in place? I have a 15 year old son who I know is getting to that point and just as a generality I thought 16 would be about the right dating age. Now, I'm not so sure that it's that simple and I have no idea what kind of ground rules to establish and that sort of thing.
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At what age should teens....
- Thread starter LegacyOfLove
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IslandBreeze
Caribbean Queen
I was allowed to date at 14. Looking into the future of my future children, they can date when they are 18. IMO, unless you are ready willing and able to get married, what's the point of dating?
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Yeah, I kind of worry/wonder about that too. I certainly don't want them getting into any situations that they are nowhere NEAR ready for. I see other teens at church who are supposedly "dating" at 13, 14, 15, 16 yrs. old....I just need to get a good idea of what is acceptable and how to discuss dating-issues with him (my son).
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Dear Legacy of Love--and others:
I want to sound a serious caution about the whole dating scene. As Christian parents, I think we should understand that our job is to get our children safely through their adolescent years and ready them for marriage and parenthood. Dating is a dangerous context for teenagers, in more ways than one. For both boys and girls, one-on-one dating creates a context for premature intimacy, with two teenagers alone for some time, in some context, where very little good, holy, and healthy can take place. For girls, the dating scene can be very emotionally dangerous, because they tend to associate their sense of self-worth with the love, commitment, and admiration of teenage boys. Those boys tend to be much less mature, on the average, than the girls the same age in terms of emotional relationships, etc. In other words, the boy is likely to hurt the girl, often without meaning to at all. The girl is often looking for a level of commitment and emotional maturity that the boy is incapable of meeting--and it is far too early for both of them anyway. The boys also have difficulty handling sexual pressures in this context, and sexual arousal and excitement can arise at virtually any moment--often with the girl absolutely ignorant of this development.
We should create good and safe boy-girl group events for Christian youth, and parents can do this with just a few teenagers. They should be allowed to pair off in terms of seating, etc. at about age 15-16, but absolutely no pair dating and one-on-one privacy outside adult supervision.
Nothing good can come out of premature intimacy. Teenage sex is just part of the problem, but a big part.
Biblical courtship is a far better plan, with strong parental involvement and supervision. The courting should be within safe, well-defined, and wholesome parameters.
One-on-one dating should be reserved for couples old enough, serious enough, and ready enough for serious movement toward marriage.
For a helpful resource, loo at the fine books by Joshua Harris. Just Google his name and you will find his site.
Faithfully,
HonorTruth
I want to sound a serious caution about the whole dating scene. As Christian parents, I think we should understand that our job is to get our children safely through their adolescent years and ready them for marriage and parenthood. Dating is a dangerous context for teenagers, in more ways than one. For both boys and girls, one-on-one dating creates a context for premature intimacy, with two teenagers alone for some time, in some context, where very little good, holy, and healthy can take place. For girls, the dating scene can be very emotionally dangerous, because they tend to associate their sense of self-worth with the love, commitment, and admiration of teenage boys. Those boys tend to be much less mature, on the average, than the girls the same age in terms of emotional relationships, etc. In other words, the boy is likely to hurt the girl, often without meaning to at all. The girl is often looking for a level of commitment and emotional maturity that the boy is incapable of meeting--and it is far too early for both of them anyway. The boys also have difficulty handling sexual pressures in this context, and sexual arousal and excitement can arise at virtually any moment--often with the girl absolutely ignorant of this development.
We should create good and safe boy-girl group events for Christian youth, and parents can do this with just a few teenagers. They should be allowed to pair off in terms of seating, etc. at about age 15-16, but absolutely no pair dating and one-on-one privacy outside adult supervision.
Nothing good can come out of premature intimacy. Teenage sex is just part of the problem, but a big part.
Biblical courtship is a far better plan, with strong parental involvement and supervision. The courting should be within safe, well-defined, and wholesome parameters.
One-on-one dating should be reserved for couples old enough, serious enough, and ready enough for serious movement toward marriage.
For a helpful resource, loo at the fine books by Joshua Harris. Just Google his name and you will find his site.
Faithfully,
HonorTruth
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IslandBreeze
Caribbean Queen
I think Josh Harris goes a bit overboard for my taste, but making children wait until they are adults to date and make adult decisions that result from dating is the best way as far as I'm concerned.
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smile
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"At what age would you allow your teenager to date? And what would be the prerequisites to getting to date? What guidelines should be put in place? I have a 15 year old son who I know is getting to that point and just as a generality I thought 16 would be about the right dating age. Now, I'm not so sure that it's that simple and I have no idea what kind of ground rules to establish and that sort of thing."
This might sound crazy, but talk to your son about it. Ask him what the rules should be, what age he thinks would be a good age to start dating and consider them. By his answers, I think you can get a clear vision of whether he is old enough to date.
If you decide he's ready, talk with him again. Set the ground rules you think will work and perhaps use some of his too or combine the both of your opinions into a rule or two. And perhaps show him some verses in the Bible, do a search together and look for verses that apply to dating and what Godly dating is all about.
Personally, I think 16 is a good age to start dating. One, because you can drive lol. That's points for the parents and the kids. But it really depends on the your kids maturity. Sometimes age is just a number.
I would state some ideas of ground rules but I think it would be best for you to go over them together, come up with them together. But don't be timid, state what you believe and what you will and will not allow. Also, you may have to be frank. Don't be shy. Sometimes as teenagers we need things straight out, to get the point across.
Make sure he knows the rules before you send him out into the world of dating. (
)
And I would like to address the issue of one-on-one dating. I think it depends on your childs maturity level. If you feel like your child can handle spending time one-on-one, let them. Spending time in groups is fine and dandy but it is very hard to get to know one another with a bunch of people around. Trust that your child will do the right thing, they most likely will. I know personally, I want to spend time alone with my date sometimes, I don't want to hang out with other people all the time. And I have no hidden ideas either. It's fun to just enjoy each other's company. Although they are teenagers, they are not children. They enjoy having serious talks, to discuss things. To just spend time with each other. Like you do with your spouse and before you married your spouse. If dating is to lead to marriage, you will never really learn anything about that person if you don't spend time with them one-on-one, but that is my personal opinion.
It is up to you to decide what is to happen. They are your child but don't take God out of it. Don't forget Him, He's your child's heavenly Father. Ask Him what He thinks, whether your child is ready or what other concerns you have. Don't sweat it, though. Don't stress. Embrace that your son is growing up, someday he may move into marriage.
Anyway, I think I've typed enough!
God Bless and I pray for you to have wisdom and guidance.
Smile
Oh, and I have to agree that Joshua Harris does go a bit overboard for me also. I suppose God can call you into that area of not dating until you are an adult or into courting, but He may not have that call for all.
This might sound crazy, but talk to your son about it. Ask him what the rules should be, what age he thinks would be a good age to start dating and consider them. By his answers, I think you can get a clear vision of whether he is old enough to date.
If you decide he's ready, talk with him again. Set the ground rules you think will work and perhaps use some of his too or combine the both of your opinions into a rule or two. And perhaps show him some verses in the Bible, do a search together and look for verses that apply to dating and what Godly dating is all about.
Personally, I think 16 is a good age to start dating. One, because you can drive lol. That's points for the parents and the kids. But it really depends on the your kids maturity. Sometimes age is just a number.
I would state some ideas of ground rules but I think it would be best for you to go over them together, come up with them together. But don't be timid, state what you believe and what you will and will not allow. Also, you may have to be frank. Don't be shy. Sometimes as teenagers we need things straight out, to get the point across.
Make sure he knows the rules before you send him out into the world of dating. (
)And I would like to address the issue of one-on-one dating. I think it depends on your childs maturity level. If you feel like your child can handle spending time one-on-one, let them. Spending time in groups is fine and dandy but it is very hard to get to know one another with a bunch of people around. Trust that your child will do the right thing, they most likely will. I know personally, I want to spend time alone with my date sometimes, I don't want to hang out with other people all the time. And I have no hidden ideas either. It's fun to just enjoy each other's company. Although they are teenagers, they are not children. They enjoy having serious talks, to discuss things. To just spend time with each other. Like you do with your spouse and before you married your spouse. If dating is to lead to marriage, you will never really learn anything about that person if you don't spend time with them one-on-one, but that is my personal opinion.
It is up to you to decide what is to happen. They are your child but don't take God out of it. Don't forget Him, He's your child's heavenly Father. Ask Him what He thinks, whether your child is ready or what other concerns you have. Don't sweat it, though. Don't stress. Embrace that your son is growing up, someday he may move into marriage.
Anyway, I think I've typed enough!
God Bless and I pray for you to have wisdom and guidance.
Smile
Oh, and I have to agree that Joshua Harris does go a bit overboard for me also. I suppose God can call you into that area of not dating until you are an adult or into courting, but He may not have that call for all.
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I'm not a big fan of dating either. BUT...kids like to be with their friends. I have no problem with them being with good trustworthy friends. They need to first show me that they can be trusted in virtually every way possible. I don't think there is a magical "right" age. Age shouldn't even be a factor. I wouldn't even set up an age limit. What if you say 16 is the right age, and then he proceeds to go out with the wrong crowd, comes home late, doesn't call home, etc.? See what i'm saying? TRUST is the issue, not AGE.
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HeatherJay
Kisser of Boo-Boos
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I was 16 before I was allowed to really "date" (actually, my mom gave in and let me go on a date about 3 weeks before my 16th birthday). But I think that was a good age to start dating. I was allowed to hang out in groups and go to school dances and stuff before then, but no one-on-one car dates.
I think that parental involvement in the situation is far more important than parental supervision. I think talking to your son and establishing some rules together is a great suggestion.
Set a reasonable curfew for him. And definitely discuss how important it is that he be respectful of the girls that he takes out and respects their boundaries and the rules set up by the girl's parents.
If you're worried about alone time, then maybe you could work out something with him such as him being allowed to have the girl over to your house (while you're at home of course). Allow them to sit on the front porch together, or even watch a movie together...no closed doors and specific ground rules for the type of behavior allowed (for example, hand holding is allowed, but no kissing).
As he's beginning to date and you see that he's respecting the rules that have been set up, then you can start to let him go a little more and allow him to have a bit more freedom and privacy when he's on dates.
I'm sure it's scary for you...but trust in God and pray for your son.
I think that parental involvement in the situation is far more important than parental supervision. I think talking to your son and establishing some rules together is a great suggestion.
Set a reasonable curfew for him. And definitely discuss how important it is that he be respectful of the girls that he takes out and respects their boundaries and the rules set up by the girl's parents.
If you're worried about alone time, then maybe you could work out something with him such as him being allowed to have the girl over to your house (while you're at home of course). Allow them to sit on the front porch together, or even watch a movie together...no closed doors and specific ground rules for the type of behavior allowed (for example, hand holding is allowed, but no kissing).
As he's beginning to date and you see that he's respecting the rules that have been set up, then you can start to let him go a little more and allow him to have a bit more freedom and privacy when he's on dates.
I'm sure it's scary for you...but trust in God and pray for your son.
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I think "dating" needs to be defined. Going with a "date" to be part of a group activity - a school dance or a bunch of riends getting together at someone' home or going bowling is one thing. Going out for a whole evening alone, just the two of them, in a car, is a different animal all together.
There is no magic age that's right for every child, including all the children in a family. So much depends upon their personality and maturity level and comfort with the opposit sex. A lot also depends upon the group they hang with - some groups end up doing a lot of pairing up and others don't.
There is no magic age that's right for every child, including all the children in a family. So much depends upon their personality and maturity level and comfort with the opposit sex. A lot also depends upon the group they hang with - some groups end up doing a lot of pairing up and others don't.
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~ Gig ~
God is Gracious
My Parents never set an age for me or my sisters (when I did start dating she never said anything about the guys I dated either). I mostly hung out in groups went go to school dances and stuff. One on one dates/ car dates started when I was 17. No one I hung out with had their license until then.
My hubby says Amanda can date when she's 30 . But seriously we're thinking 17 or 18.
My hubby says Amanda can date when she's 30
. But seriously we're thinking 17 or 18.
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Stringaling
Stringaling
I agree completely. The modern idea of dating does not go back that far. Even in the 1800's suck a concept was almost unheard of. I believe that dating--going out with a person, finding what you don't like and dumping them is not good practice for marriage, it is good practice for divorce. We learn that while dating we do not have to be monogamous, we do not have to be open and honest with our current partner or partners, emotionally it can be very damaging --dealling with that kind of hurt or posssible abuse is something teens are not ready for or able to handle well--and also the issue of sex. To put a child into adult situations involving possibility of premarital sex, emotional hurt, jealousy, instability, etc. . . is not bendeficial to the teenager--still a child who is not mature enough to handle adult situations--and is actually more damaging than anything.
While dating can be fun it still teaches young people that wehn they are not happy they can just dump their girl/boy friend and get another. In the world of marriage that is not how things work. Telling kids that it is okay to do to someone you are not married to is sending mixed messages.
Why wouldn't it be okay to do that to a husband or wife? They 've moved from boyfriend to boyfriend, why not husband to husband?? Or better yet why not stay single that way there won't be that big fuss about divorce and one could just go get a new man or woman whenever one feels like it. After all they did it when they were teenagers, what is so different about doing it while adults?
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