At my wit's end...

[csqui523]

Hello all!

Firstly, I would like to say how happy i am to find this forum! It is wonderful (in a wierd kind of way) to know that other people are going through similar things to me.

Ok, I am going to try to make a very long story short...

I was a Christian before I met my non-believing husband. So, when we married, it was pure disobedience on my part. As a result, I fell away from my walk with the Lord for 10 years. Last November, I started going back to church and recommited myself to God! However, shortly after that (around January), my marriage started unraveling. I have only spoken about Christ to my husband once or twice since that time, and because he gets so angry about it, I have stopped. I am trying to live by example. We have two small children (two and four years old). They go to church with me every Sunday and my husband HATES it (I only found this out last Friday). He has not had any kind of meaningful conversation with me for six or seven months. He doesn't respond to my greetings. There is no intimacy (he says he's not interested). He told me on Friday that he doesn't love me (this was at our first marriage counseling session), he hates that I take the kids to church, he hates that I say grace before meals with them, that I teach them Bible stories and verses, that they watch Christian shows like Veggie Tales, etc. He says that the only way that the marriage will change as far as he is concerned is if I become an Atheist, which of course is not going to happen. I have been sticking this out and am literally at my wit's end. I'm so tired. We have a business that we run together (apart from our full-time employment) and he has pulled out of that (punishing me, I guess), so I work full-time, run a household, run a business, take care of kids, etc. I go to bed most nights around midnight while he goes to bed around 9pm (and of course doesn't even have the courtesy to say goodnight). He has said that we are better off without each other, that counseling is delaying the inevitable, and he has recognized the fact that he doesn't treat me as a husband should. We're basically roommates. I'm trying to hold on as long as I can, especially for the kids. He has been much more involved with the kids since all this started (which is great, but still worrying to me, since he's NEVER showed that he cared about them before). He says all the time that I believe in an invisible person in the sky, all part of a fairy tale.

He has not (as far as I am aware) had any affairs, or any other marital issues. He was also never into Atheism until I rededicated my life to God. He reads books about raising your children without religion, etc.

Anyway, I know this is pretty disjointed, but that's how I feel right now. He has not made any move to leave, and I know that I should let him leave if he does, but in the meantime, do I just carry on this way?! I hate what is going on. I'm trying to trust God but this has been going on for so long. Like I said, we haven't even had a conversation in MONTHS! I'm just tired and completely over this. I can't believe that he's treating me the way he is. He always says, "At least you're not married to someone who's physically abusing you!". Well, thanks!

Anyway, your thoughts and advice would be much appreciated.

Thank you!

Cindy

 

[Romanseight2005]

Hugs!! I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are experiencing a spiritual battle. That is why he suddenly became an atheist. The comment he made about how he could be worse, is the same line abusive people use. You can fill in the blank. "I could be worse, I could......."

Do you have support? Perhaps some ladies at church who can pray with you? Again, hugs, and I will pray for you.

 

[csqui523]

Thanks for your reply.

I do have some ladies that I talk to: one at the church and a couple at work who are Christians. That definitely helps. But they don't come home with me. I went on vacation with the kids to Florida where my parents live (my husband refused to come with us because he didn't want to spend time with people who believe the same things that I do), and I absolutely DREADED coming home! I don't want to feel that way in my own home. I get nervous whenever the kids ask me to say grace before the meal when my husband is home. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. He has told me that the more I teach them Christianity, the more he will teach them Atheism.

Today, he decided that he will split all of our finances. It's like a business relationship now! What is the point of all of this?! I can't honestly believe it's come to this. He said in the last counselling session we had (yesterday) that he will not be a loving husband to me unless I stop taking the kids to church, etc. How can I respect a man whose love for me is conditional upon something like that?!

Sorry, I am venting. I really don't know what to do. What is the biblical thing to do here? How do I live with someone like this? I don't even know how to pray for him or our situation anymore. I just want to bury myself in God's word, and His comfort. It's the only thing that will help me right now. I don't know what will happen next, but God does. I am praying for Him to prepare me for what is to come.

 

[Johnnz]

He seems to have abandoned the marriage in all but not living under the same roof. His antipathy is very real.Maybe some very bad earlier experience with a church or personal situation?

John
NZ

 

[csqui523]

I wonder about that too. I can't think of any situation or experience that he's told me about, though that doesn't mean there isn't one.

There's something new every day as to why he doesn't love me, or why he thinks I'm such a bad person. Yesterday, it was because I am a bigot (really?!) and I'm a Republican (which I'm not, but even if I were, so what?!). I asked him why he thinks I'm a bigot and he said it's because I'm a fundamentalist Christian and all fundamentalist Christians are bigots. And I'm a Republican because I watched a DVD a couple of weeks ago which was made by Republicans, and my comment after it was done was that it was "interesting". So, to him, because I said it was interesting, I am now a Republican. It's just so bizarre! He has never voted before, so I'm not sure why he cares (he is from England and just got his US citizenship last week, so he can register to vote now). And like I said, since when does political party have anything to do with my being a bad person?

Sigh. We're going to counseling again on Friday, though he's already expressed his interest in splitting up, so we'll see what happens there. I'm just so tired. Every morning, I wake up more tired than I was the night before. All because of this emotional/mental abuse and resulting fatigue. Maybe it'll be over sooner than I thought...

 

[Observer]

Wow, I'm really sorry your husband is treating you this way. It is emotional and spiritual abuse... and can hurt just as much as physical abuse, just in a different way.

I think it's truly horrible that he's splitting everything down the middle, he's literally separating you both! Financially, emotionally, spiritually.

Now I can completely understand having no belief in God, as I have been agnostic/seeker for many many years and have not been able to break through that. But I cannot understand your husband's HATRED for God and church. Did something happen to him? Was he raised in the church? Is it possible he was abused or has had something traumatic happen related to church or God? His parent/s...? I'm just at a loss why he would be so hateful about you believing in God and your kids going to church and being involved. It seems there must be a much deeper reason, surely.

As I do not have a strong belief in Jesus, I can't call myself a Christian but my husband is Christian. I would never stop him from being involved in church and in fact I would be happy to go with him and not have one little issue with our children (if we had any) going to church. I think it's a good thing, I just personally can't break through this wall I have of unbelief. I guess I do want to believe. Basically I just want to believe in whatever is the truth and I feel like I don't really know what the truth is but I do believe in a God (some of the time..). But it seems your husband has zero interest and truly hates the thought of God. I just can't understand why. Even if there was no Jesus or God or anything spiritual, what would be the harm in you and your kids believing in something? I don't mean that to sound wrong, it is not my belief that there is no God etc, but that's how atheists feel so... I am trying to think of it from that standpoint. There was one point, many years ago where I began to hate the thought of God. It was mainly because my husband pushed it so much, every single day, multiple times a day that I felt exhausted by it. But by what you've said, you hardly ever talk to your husband about it.

He is pushing his atheist beliefs (and I believe atheism is a religion when it comes to this kind of strong hatred towards all things spiritual related), yet you are not allowed to even hint or utter a word about your beliefs? That is completely unfair!

I really hope that your husband can at least begin to be more understanding and hopefully the cause of his hatred can become apparent to him and then possibly his attitude can begin to change. But I am really sorry you're going through this because I can understand how neglected and trampled on you feel by him. I hope the answer isn't divorce, I hope you can work through it. But it seems he is completely unwilling to change anything about himself and compromise is a big part of marriage.

I do know that when my husband and I were questioning this whole "unequally yoked" thing in regards to our own marriage, I didn't find many answers. There is the one part of the bible that speaks specifically about it. 1 Corinthians 7... it is a hard situation to be in. I guess if he wants to get a divorce, you can't do much about it. It's been a long time and he hasn't changed his attitude and he has had a negative affect on your involvement with God. But if he does leave you, it is not your fault and you cannot be held accountable for the situation. You are being true to your beliefs which are respectable healthy beliefs that will only serve to help your marriage and your children. He is free to be atheist but it's not helping anybody and he is being cruel to you in the marriage. So if he leaves, it is on him, and I feel you would be free to live your life and move on.

Goodluck and I will pray for you

 

[Romanseight2005]

]He seems to have abandoned the marriage in all but not living under the same roof[/B]. His antipathy is very real.Maybe some very bad earlier experience with a church or personal situation?

John
NZ

So he is not pleased to dwell with you, is he?

1 Cor 7:13-15

13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.

14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.
KJV

 

[csqui523]

But he's not leaving. Aren't I supposed to wait until he leaves, and if he does, then let him depart? Wouldn't it be great if God would just come down and say, "hey, listen up. This is what you're supposed to do!". LOL.

I'm taking it one day at a time right now. I'm loving on my kids and trying to stay away from the house as much as possible, so that I don't have to deal with him and have bad feelings/thoughts about him. Out of sight, out of mind. But who wants to live like that.

I don't want to get divorced, but on the other hand, I don't want my kids growing up thinking this is what love and marriage should be like. I just want to be happy in my own home again...

 

[BFine]

He is separating himself from you, the only thing he hasn't done is left the home. Your husband isn't pleased to be dwelling with you(the christian), so he's kicking up all this "sand" in your face, putting the children in the awkward position of choosing which parent to listen to.
It won't be long before they question why they go to church when it makes their dad so unhappy.
He is set on breaking you down, so you will stop going to church and stop worshiping God. (Don't fall for the trap he is trying to push you in.)

There is a spiritual war going on in your home!
You need to get connected with some prayer warriors at church and don't hesitate to call on them! Pray up! Praise up and Keep looking up!

You can't change your husband but you can change how you respond to him.

Find some verses of scripture to memorize and repeat them (to yourself) when he's being difficult.

Renew/Refresh your mind daily upon the Word of God.
The source for real joy and happiness is from God. God won't
turn on you, people will! (As you are experiencing that with your husband.)

Your faith is being tested. Have you read the book of Job in your bible yet?
If you haven't I would suggest reading it. Take notes.

Hire someone part time to help with the business or assist you with the housework.

Learn how to pray about your specific situation...it's time to dig deeper into
the Word of God.

 

[Diane_Windsor]

Disclaimer: To be fair to the DH, I would like to remind posters here that we are only hearing one side of the story. We don't know his side (nor is it any of our business to know).

To the OP, why are you not bringing up your feelings to him in a counseling session? Why are you bringing up this deeply personal matter to complete strangers on the internet? How does this make your DH feel that you are airing his "dirty laundry" on the internet? Unless he is a member of this site then how can he defend himself or tell is side of the story (again, as if it is any of our business to know). It's one thing to talk to your real life friends or pastor in confidentiality about this situation, but it's a completely different ballgame when you put it out there for the entire world to see without his permission. Once you put something on the internet then it is on the internet forever. Perhaps you should read what the Bible says about gossip.

I cannot stress this enough, keep going to marriage counseling and back away from the computer keyboard. Complete strangers don't need to know about your DH's personal life. You both have two good reasons to stay together and work through this tough time in your marriage. You will eventually come to a resolution and your marriage will be stronger for it.

I don't know what you mean by "abuse", but if you feel that you are being emotionally abused then by all means get out of Dodge and take your children with you.

He is pushing his atheist beliefs, yet you are not allowed to even hint or utter a word about your beliefs? That is completely unfair!

To be fair we don't know what sort of agreement this couple made before they had children on how to raise their children (nor it is our business).

Again, I must stress that we are only hearing one side of the story here, and all this gossip and speculation is not fair to the DH. I also will stress to the OP that your husband's privacy should be respected. He is the father of your children, and for that reason alone you should unconditionally love and respect him.

 

[csqui523]

Thank you for your post, Diane.

I came to this board because I was hoping to get some support (by way of words and/or of prayer). I have never been through something like this before, nor has anyone of my friends or church members. I felt that in order for people to understand what I'm going through, I would give them some of the details (which are by no means all of them). I guess I am wrong for doing such. As my post is titled, I am "At my wit's end", and don't know where else to turn. We are going to counseling, but every session is the same. He says that there is nothing that can save our marriage apart from my becoming an atheist I am here experiencing this week in and week out, and I am very tired. Of course, I can and do go to God with my troubles, but I know I need prayer and thought I would get that here in this forum. I am trying to be respectful of my husband, as well as submissive, but I don't think that being submissive should be taken so far as turning into an atheist.

You're correct in saying that you don't know my husband's side of the story. I don't even know. I only know what I told you. He doesn't speak to me about anything relating to this, apart from the counseling sessions. I've tried to have conversations with him about it outside of counseling, but he ignores me, or gets very angry. He knows how I feel.

I wouldn't call this gossip. But if it is considered so, then I pray for forgiveness from my Heavenly Father, as I have no intention to gossip. I tell people about my situation so that they know how to pray.

I don't really know what else to say, apart from thank you for taking the time to comment on the post. I am happy to get different viewpoints.

 

[moonkitty]

Since you are new you may not know all of the what the different icons mean, but I'm an atheist. My husband is a Lutheran, though he doesn't go to church anymore. In fact he pretty much left all the spiritual training up to me. I was the one to take the kids to church, Lutheran and any other religious service they were interested in. (My son considers himself christian, my daughter is still seeking a spiritual fit).

From what you posted, it seems almost as if there is something more than just the religion issues; but it seems as if he is using it as an excuse to be angry with you. But then again I could be wrong about it. Like I said I am only going by what you posted.

I personally feel that someone should not be forced into a system of belief or disbelief. Being atheist I have had many, many people try to force a religion down my throat, or try to make me change, and have gotten very angry with me. I have caught a lot of flack for not believing. There for I would not want anyone to deal with what I have dealt with. I do not support militant atheist anymore than I support militant or super obnoxious evangelical christian.

 

[moonkitty]

Disclaimer: To be fair to the DH, I would like to remind posters here that we are only hearing one side of the story. We don't know his side (nor is it any of our business to know).

To the OP, why are you not bringing up your feelings to him in a counseling session? Why are you bringing up this deeply personal matter to complete strangers on the internet? How does this make your DH feel that you are airing his "dirty laundry" on the internet? Unless he is a member of this site then how can he defend himself or tell is side of the story (again, as if it is any of our business to know). It's one thing to talk to your real life friends or pastor in confidentiality about this situation, but it's a completely different ballgame when you put it out there for the entire world to see without his permission. Once you put something on the internet then it is on the internet forever. Perhaps you should read what the Bible says about gossip.

I cannot stress this enough, keep going to marriage counseling and back away from the computer keyboard. Complete strangers don't need to know about your DH's personal life. You both have two good reasons to stay together and work through this tough time in your marriage. You will eventually come to a resolution and your marriage will be stronger for it.

I don't know what you mean by "abuse", but if you feel that you are being emotionally abused then by all means get out of Dodge and take your children with you.



To be fair we don't know what sort of agreement this couple made before they had children on how to raise their children (nor it is our business).

Again, I must stress that we are only hearing one side of the story here, and all this gossip and speculation is not fair to the DH. I also will stress to the OP that your husband's privacy should be respected. He is the father of your children, and for that reason alone you should unconditionally love and respect him.

So she is suppose to get support here by NOT discussing her difficulties? And how can it be gossip if we do not really know her or her husband? Now if sh was to post real names and say "my hubby mr. John Doe who works at blah blah blah..." Or put this sort of OP on a sight like My Space or FB where all his friends, family, co-workers would see it. Then I could see there being a problem. But since she is remaining anonymous, then I think her husband's privacy is still being protected.

 

[JaneFW]

I wouldn't call this gossip. But if it is considered so, then I pray for forgiveness from my Heavenly Father, as I have no intention to gossip. I tell people about my situation so that they know how to pray.

I don't really know what else to say, apart from thank you for taking the time to comment on the post. I am happy to get different viewpoints.

It's not gossip to seek counseling, help and support. Don't even worry about it.

 

[hijklmnop]

It's not gossip at all. You're discussing your own life and your own situation and seeking support, advice and prayer for your own situation. If Diane doesn't approve of people talking about their own lives and seeking support and advice then she shouldn't participate in these kinds of threads...it's contradictory.

Anyways, I'm sorry to read about what you are going through. I don't have any advice other than for you to bolster yourself from the attack you're facing as best you can. Pray constantly and seek out as much Christian support as you can. Counseling has done me a world of good, if you could find a good Christian counselor to see on your own, apart from the marriage counseling, I would highly recommend it.

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with you at least separating from him at this point as his approach is so disrespectful towards the beliefs of yourself and your children. The way he is treating you, using the kids as pawns, the ultimatums he's giving you...that is definitely emotional and spiritual abuse, no question in my mind. You are not called to unconditionally respect someone who is being so cruel and abusive towards you and your children just because he fathered them, IMHO.

 

[csqui523]

Well, the update here is that my husband is divorcing me. And trying to get 50% custody of the kids (the same ones he never wanted, and uses as an excuse to get out of the relationship). I am fighting this tooth and nail. I don't mind them visiting him occasionally (say, every other weekend, and an evening in the week), but there is no way that 50% would be good for those kids. They're 2 1/2 and 4 years old!

I'm pretty upset about this, but at least I can say that I tried everything I could. Now, I'm praying for favor in this situation, since I am the primary caregiver. Prayers would be much appreciated. I know this should probably be on the divorce board, but since I started it here, I thought I would update here.

Thanks everyone!

 

[SharonL]

The OP came here for help - not put downs - nothing like throwing water in someone's face who is drowning.

cs - I am sorry this has come to a head - but sometimes that is best - instead of it dragging out - this is an attack from the enemy who is using your husband, who is a willing participant, to break you down.

It is easy for me to say - but stay strong and lean on Jesus' strength. He'll think twice when he is out paying his way alone and child support - he might look back and see the whole picture.

The way it sounds, you will have more peace without him in the house and knowing he is always trying to draw your children away from God - I know you would go through anything it takes to keep your children's eyes upon Jesus and you will be rewarded for it.

Don't draw away from coming here to talk, in spite of the one put down you received - there is always someone with a cold heart that does not realize the meaning of words and how cold they can be.

Praying for you, it is always darkest before the storm - so you've been through the dark - maybe the dawn is beginning to come and you can find peace.

 

[mhoelzer2988]

I know that must be hard. My husband isn't quite that bad off and it's hard for me! You are a very strong woman to stay but you are doing the right thing. Unfortunately what's right isn't always what's easy! You just continue focusing on God and he will take care of your husband. You are right about letting HIM leave. If he truly wants out so bad he will man up and walk out but until then stand your ground! I've had to do this with my husband and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I'm thankful I had my family and his to tell me not to go anywhere! He never left obviously because he must have cared even though he said he didn't. He never said he didn't love me but he might as well have with the distance he'd put between us. And your husband is completely wrong about saying "Well at least I'm not physically abusive". I've always said I'd rather be hit than to not be shown love or be verbally abused. It sounds like your husband is being extremely rebellious against God for some unknown reason. My husband is the king of rebellion so I understand what your dealing with. I hate when people tell me to stick it out and just pray but really that's what we should do as christians!