at my wits end

faeriemom · Oct 4, 2003

hello everyone! I don't have anyone to talk to, so I thought i would post here. I gave my husband of 7 years separation papers today. It was the anniversary of the day we got engaged(coincidence) But it didn't matter because he forgot again. For years i have tried to make this marriage work, despite everything that has happened. I feel lied to and betrayed. He is not really the man I married. All effort to maintain a healthy relationship ceased after marriage. I became a christian and started going to church, trying to hold my family together. Nothing changed. He read the papers and didnt bat an eye. He hasn't even spoken to me about them. What should I do? Please pray for me

kimber1 · Oct 5, 2003

wow,, i read this and thought maybe i'd posted something in my sleep that i didn't remember (except for the amount of time married). i can't give you much advice other than i will pray for you because i know how your heart feels...

cynjo59 · Oct 5, 2003

I would not be in any hurry to take the next step toward divorce. Is there any way you can get him to talk with you about this and find out what he really wants? Would he be willing to see a counsellor with you?

faeriemom · Oct 5, 2003

Thanks for the replies)) We have already had marriage counceling,,,,he just won't put forth any effort....

ej · Oct 5, 2003

I'm sure my good friend Ukok won't mind me recommending her advice...

Check out her Bible study on Marriage and Divorce which she posted in the Journal section yesterday. It's a beautiful, thoughtful piece, and it helped me understand things a lot.

I'm not married, but I split from my intended in the last week, so I go a small way to understanding.

My prayers are with you, and with anyone else in a similar situation.

coastie · Oct 5, 2003

My prayers are with you also

Kathy · Oct 5, 2003

You will be in my prayers... God Bless!

faeriemom · Oct 5, 2003

tHANKS SOO MUCH FOR YOUR PRAYERS. i GAVE HIM PAPERS LAST NIGHT, HE'S STILL HANGING AROUND FOR SOME REASON........

4ever in Christ · Oct 5, 2003

Faerie Mom,

I can truly relate. It sounds as though you may being trying to wake him by serving him the papers, and by some sense of selfish pride he wont give you the satisfaction of a reaction. I know this scenario all too well. However if you put your faith in God He truly will answer your prayers. You see He loves your husband just as He loves you, sometimes we don't understand why we are in the situations that we are in, however growth is occurring even if unrealized. Things WILL change...I know this to be true! It is not always in OUR time...we must be patient, we must be self-less, and we must be the ultimate example of the love of Christ.

Please know that marriage is not easy...but it is truly worth it.
I will keep you in my prayers.

4ever in Christ

mehrunissa · Oct 5, 2003

hes still there because hes a phlegmatic personality type... the very kind that never moves. the type of person who sits on the couch all day and accomplishes nothing if he or she has no job. the same type that if you sit there and say "HELLO I AM MISERABLE IN OUR MARRIAGE" he tunes it out because at all costs, peace must be maintained. even if it is only in his head. getting a phlegmatic to move is near impossible. i understand it is too late though probably... to gain an understanding of why he is the way he is.... or is it too late? if you are posting to us, are you hoping for recovery still? either way, i feel your pain and i understand this is a hard time. let us know how it works out

Risen Tree · Oct 5, 2003

faeriemom, from what I'm gathered about your husband, he is a textbook Rational personality. Kudos to mehrunissa for the hint. If he is not a Rational, ignore the rest of this post, because it won't help one bit. Otherwise:

Rationals are often misunderstood for their coldness in relationships. They are not intentionally withholding their love, for they are closet romantics. The reason is that Rationals are efficiency-freaks. Any fact that they perceive as obvious to another person will remain unspoken. Failure to heed this principle results in redundancy, which Rationals shun with all their might. Just remember that Rationals are fully capable of all-out romance, but they tend to keep it under the woodwork along with their feelings in general.

When your husband saw the divorce papers, he did precisely what a Rational would typically do: Just about nothing. The truth is that he probably wanted to cry relentlessly. However, for him to do so would violate his unwaivering commitment to efficiency and his devotion to control his emotions.

Honestly, faeriemom, I think the problem is as simple as you two failing to understand each other's identities. Four years of dealing with this has surely taken its toll on you, as evidenced by the fact that you are seeking a divorce. To sum it all up: I think your husband deep down inside probably loves you more than you can imagine.

Iddie4him · Oct 5, 2003

As a man that survived a failed marriage and has been happily remarried for 2 1/2 years to E-Beth, I can say that the feelings of hurt and betrayal will sting for some time, It will ease after time.

I don't really have any wise advice other than pray for contentment and peace. God will help you thru this.

faeriemom · Oct 5, 2003

He finally left at 10 pm tonight. He told me he loved me as he walked away... I told him I loved him too. The earlier post about the papers being a wake-up call was right...God led me to do it after many years of telling him i was unhappy, so I will put my trust in him. I waited on the top step of my porch bawling and praying for 45 minutes for him to come back to me, to SHOW me something. He never came back. Well, at least I remembered to put 50 dollars in his wallet and make sure he had his medicine. I even gave him some bc powders in case he got a headache...(
Smiling through the tears,
Scottie

E-beth · Oct 6, 2003

Maybe he will wake up and come around. Give him some time to see what he has really lost and perhaps God will tug at his heart to fight for you.

If you need to talk/vent/cry. Just let me know.

capcurious · Oct 6, 2003

Do the separation papers state, he must move out?

Sometimes, that is not part of the deal. I've heard of couples living in the same house up to a divorce coming final!

ukok · Oct 6, 2003

faeriemom said:
hello everyone! I don't have anyone to talk to, so I thought i would post here. I gave my husband of 7 years separation papers today. It was the anniversary of the day we got engaged(coincidence) But it didn't matter because he forgot again. For years i have tried to make this marriage work, despite everything that has happened. I feel lied to and betrayed. He is not really the man I married. All effort to maintain a healthy relationship ceased after marriage. I became a christian and started going to church, trying to hold my family together. Nothing changed. He read the papers and didnt bat an eye. He hasn't even spoken to me about them. What should I do? Please pray for me

I'd like to respond by simply offering you an assurance that no matter what happens from here on in, you will get through it somehow. As emmajane mentioned earlier, I know something of your experience, and therefore I feel that I can relate.

Quite frankly, it really doesn't matter what personality type your husband has, it only matters if he is prepared to do something about it in an attempt to save your marriage. Please forgive me if i have read this incorrectly or have failed to notice in subsequent posts ( i have a head-splitting migraine at the moment), but you mention 'family', would i be correct in assuming that you have children together?

Have you 'served papers' on your husband because you want to keep the marriage but just want to get your husband to realise the seriousness of what could happen if your marriage continues in this way, or did you do so because you are seriously considering ending the marriage? Have you spoken to your husband about counselling, or does he fail to see that there is a need for counselling?

I know that this is a difficult time for you, and i do hope that you can resolve the problems that you have within your marriage, but though you may doubt that it is possible, if the marriage should end, life is still possible.

Feel free to pm me anytime.

Risen Tree · Oct 6, 2003

faeriemom said:
He finally left at 10 pm tonight. He told me he loved me as he walked away... I told him I loved him too. The earlier post about the papers being a wake-up call was right...God led me to do it after many years of telling him i was unhappy, so I will put my trust in him. I waited on the top step of my porch bawling and praying for 45 minutes for him to come back to me, to SHOW me something. He never came back. Well, at least I remembered to put 50 dollars in his wallet and make sure he had his medicine. I even gave him some bc powders in case he got a headache...(
Smiling through the tears,
Scottie

Did God tell you to temporarily separate from him or permanently divorce him?

ukok said:
Quite frankly, it really doesn't matter what personality type your husband has, it only matters if he is prepared to do something about it in an attempt to save your marriage.

I disagree. Understanding the other person's true identity is paramount to making a relationship work.

ukok · Oct 6, 2003

Rising Tree said:
Did God tell you to temporarily separate from him or permanently divorce him?

I disagree. Understanding the other person's true identity is paramount to making a relationship work.

I think i must have failed to make myself clear. No matter what a mans personality type, if he fails to see he has a problem or that the relationship has a problem nothing is going to be resolved by offering him a diagnosis of his personality. ~ if the guy didn't bat an eye lid when his wife presented these 'papers' to him, then he is hardly going to strike up a conversation when presented with evidence as to his personality traits. Only the niaive would suggest that a person could know a their partner's true 'type' and anticipate their future reaction's to life situations, when most people can't even hazard a guess about how they themselves would react in a given scenario, until it actually happens.

faeriemom · Oct 6, 2003

I agree ukok. It has been a very hard day to say the least. I told my 12 year old. I haven't told my 4 year old yet. I think I'll wait til I can talk about it without crying. I don't want him to see me cry. we have an 8 month old as well. He always worked second shift so they didn't see him much thru the week anyway. I got his diploma and some different stuff together for him and called and told him he could come get it after work if he wanted. He said,,,,"Tonight?? Nahhh i might come tomorrow sometime..." Hmm.. i think that clinched it for me. God did not tell me to divorce him. I feel like i still love him very dearly and my heart is ripping apart. All i want is for him to show me love and some sort of effort. I suppose I was compelled to give him papers because i WAS hoping for a wake up call for him, but if it doesn't happen, maybe God wants it this way. He will lead me...I will be submissive and not take anymore steps. I will wait and watch and learn. I will pray for guidance and peace. Thanks everyone, you don't know how much this is helping me.
Scottie

salsa · Oct 6, 2003

Rising Tree said:
Did God tell you to temporarily separate from him or permanently divorce him?

would God say either??? how DOES God speak in these situations? it seems he is silent

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