at a crossroads...

[dmp]

in a couple weeks my wife and i will have been married for 9 years. I doubt we'll make '10'.

On the outside, it'd seem my wife is perfect. She's into furniture-making, power-tools, air-tools, trucks - what more could a guy want, right? She's reasonably attractive, in-shape, and a great mother to our two kids. A 'romantic' evening a week or two ago consisted of this:

Me taking her to dinner, and Home Depot for tool shopping. Her 'appitites' for intimacy are like what most guys enjoy - 'get to the point' and go to sleep. She doesn't EVER ask to be 'cuddled'. She never complains about the toilet seat being up.

Sounds pretty good...but...
I'm a romantic. I'm passionate. I wear my heart on my sleeve at times. I'm growing increasingly frustrated about not being able to cultivate that side of my being around/with her. I feel like I'm dying inside.

We often joke that she should have been born a man, and i should have been born a woman...heh...because our roles, the norm? for us, is 180 degrees of typical.



thanks for reading....

 

[medikel]

I FEEL FOR YOU! I AM WANTING THAT SO BADLY FROM MY HUSBAND. SO, IN A WAY, I DO UNDERSTAND. GOD SAID THAT IT IS THE HUSBAND'S DUTY TO MEET THE NEEDS OF HIS WIFE, I BELIEVE THAT'S EMOTIONALLY ALSO. YOU CAN'T BECAUSE SHE ISN'T SHOWING YOU ANY EMOTIONS OR THOSE NEEDS. AM I CORRECT? CAN YOU TALK OPENLY ABOUT THIS TO HER? I'M SURE YOU'VE ALREADY TRIED. MAYBE SHE HAS SOME HIDDEN EMOTIONS THAT SHE FEELS SHE "CAN'T" EXPRESS TO YOU. LET HER KNOW THAT YOU WOULDN'T BE BOTHERED BY HER COMING TO YOU WITH THAT. I CERTAINLY DON'T HAVE MUCH ADVICE. BUT I WILL PRAY FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE. ASK GOD TO REVEAL THINGS TO YOU AND FOR GOD TO OPEN HER HEART AND GIVE HER COURAGE ENOUGH TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS. THERE'S OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING SHE'S HOLDING ONTO INSIDE.
GOD BLESS
MEDIKEL

 

[dmp]

I feel for you! I am wanting that so badly from my husband. So, in a way, I do understand. God said that it is the husband's duty to meet the needs of his wife, I believe that's emotionally also. You can't because she isn't showing you any emotions or those needs. Am I correct? Can you talk openly about this to her? I'm sure you've already tried. Maybe she has some hidden emotions that she feels she "can't" express to you. Let her know that you wouldn't be bothered by her coming to you with that. I certainly don't have much advice. But I will pray for you and your wife. ask god to reveal things to you and for god to open her heart and give her courage enough to talk to you about this. There's obviously something she's holding onto inside.

God bless

MEDIKEL

Thank you much...I think the problem is, I've been TOO open with her about this. Now, when I bring it up, after several days of 'no' personal, physical contact, she generally becomes ****ed, and withdrawn. I feel a bit robbed. I feel like i'm being robbed of my requirement/privledge to BE affectionate, supportive, intimate, loving and such. Last night I told her I hope she never has to feel the deep pain of personal rejection from somebody who she loves - but I lied. Part of me DOES want her to feel the pain of what I've been living with the majority of the past nine years. There's a part of me that's a bit vindictive, to be honest.

I want a love-affair with my wife. I want to build a solid foundation of our relationship, which can't be built any other way than through intimate-not-just-sexual contact. Laying on a couch, watching a movie together without her figgeting and flinching from the touch of my fingers on her arm, hand, cheek or whatever. Yeah - I AM sorta womanly in that area...I'm very in touch with my feelings, and have the ability to articulate those feelings when I sense something is amiss.

A few of my friends / family tell me "Dude - the spark in a marriage NEVER lasts..."

I tell them, "I'm sorry your marriage is like that. I don't want that kind of marriage. And IF you are right, at least you got to go thru the 'sparks' phase. We've not had much of that."



I love her dearly. I want to be passionately in-love with her, and vice-versa.

 

[Godsgirl481]

Do you know how her childhood was? Any abuse of any kind? I was sexually, verbally, mentally and spiritually abused...and I for one have a terrible time with sex. Some women/teenagers that have been abused willl actually become very sexually active as oppossed to withdraw from it...and will have a hard time being close and intimate. Would she be in pain about anything? Intimacy means "In to me you see" and there might be a reason she is withdrawing from being intimate with you...she might be scared...not wanting to share the pain.

Have a day with her. Try and see if she will take a day off...let someone watch the kids...and go to a picnic at a park under a tree...or take a day and walk a beach...or in a park. Try to get close to her outside of the bedroom. Chances are...she will let this loose and tell you whats going on.

Something is going on....females are emtional beings and it is not like a woman to not want to be held and loved on...especially after sex.

 

[dmp]

Do you know how her childhood was? Any abuse of any kind? I was sexually, verbally, mentally and spiritually abused...and I for one have a terrible time with sex. Some women/teenagers that have been abused willl actually become very sexually active as oppossed to withdraw from it...and will have a hard time being close and intimate. Would she be in pain about anything? Intimacy means "In to me you see" and there might be a reason she is withdrawing from being intimate with you...she might be scared...not wanting to share the pain.

Have a day with her. Try and see if she will take a day off...let someone watch the kids...and go to a picnic at a park under a tree...or take a day and walk a beach...or in a park. Try to get close to her outside of the bedroom. Chances are...she will let this loose and tell you whats going on.

Something is going on....females are emtional beings and it is not like a woman to not want to be held and loved on...especially after sex.

Thanks Bams - Good input...

She's absolutely denied ANY kind of abuse growing up- she was, however, raised in a less-than-affectionate family...but that excuse can only go so far, I suppose. At some point she needs to rise above 'daddy didn't hold her' or whatever - not trying to sound like a turd; just tired after 9 years...ya know?

 

[Godsgirl481]

Thanks Bams - Good input...

She's absolutely denied ANY kind of abuse growing up- she was, however, raised in a less-than-affectionate family...but that excuse can only go so far, I suppose. At some point she needs to rise above 'daddy didn't hold her' or whatever - not trying to sound like a turd; just tired after 9 years...ya know?

First...I agree with divorce to an extent. Growing up in abusive home...if my husband hits me...that will be the end to him. However, in a situation like this...this can be worked on. In your other posts...you talk about mastubation...which has absolutly nothing to do with being close to someone...it has to sexual gradification only....which you stated that you receive from your wife.

I know how it is to grow up in a family that does not show love. If this was the only thing...that in itself is abuse. Children that are not tought how to be close to another human beijg will grow up confused about it....and not feel comfortable with it....and that could be the issue. 9 years or not...that could be the issue. I have been dealing with abuse for 24 years...dealing with it alone after the fact for the past 6...and I am still not any closer than when I first started. I am still terrifed of people...terrifed to be touched...and still loathing in sexual immortality. I still do not verbal talk of the abuse...I am still scared of church...and I still isolate myself from people.

You need to spend time with your wife outside of the bedroom. She needs to feel close to you ouside of sex. You need to make a heart to heart connection with her. Marriage is the unity of two people...coming together as one. Something is stopping that...and you need to ask God to bless your marriage and your family. Pray together with your wife...make God the center of your marriage...and tell your wife that it is okay to talk to you...tell you her hurts and her desires in life. And then you need to wait...be patient...pray, pray, pray, and pray.

Look, I know it hurts to not have a person to love on you. Hello...this is me...the "unloveable one". The one person that has never had a person (in real life) truely believe in her and love her for her....until I moved to Kansas that is.

Anyhow...it is not in God's will for a divorce....that much I do know....

 

[Yitzchak]

It sounds like you have enough good things in your marriage to still have a reasonably happy life and a good companion. The desire that you have for real and passionate love within your marriage is a good one and you should pray and work towards that goal. Just don't forget to be thankful for what you already have and try not to make her feel bad for not "measuring up" as a wife.

I will pray for you.

 

[Svt4Him]

Just a quick question, if you were a woman and she was a man, would you then want to divorce her again because it seems it would be the same thing all over. As for those gushy lovey feelings, they are nice, but rare in any relationship that's over two years into marriage. Perhaps you're chasing after the moon, and will lose sight of what's around you. There is a time when you have to realize that the grass may be greener, but it takes a lot more (stuff that fertilizes lawns) to make it that way, and you will still have to mow and weed it, just more often.

 

[dmp]

Just a quick question, if you were a woman and she was a man, would you then want to divorce her again because it seems it would be the same thing all over. As for those gushy lovey feelings, they are nice, but rare in any relationship that's over two years into marriage. Perhaps you're chasing after the moon, and will lose sight of what's around you. There is a time when you have to realize that the grass may be greener, but it takes a lot more (stuff that fertilizes lawns) to make it that way, and you will still have to mow and weed it, just more often.

Is that SVT as in Ford SVT?

First off - I edited my original thread some...decided to pull back some of the sharing....so there were parts which may have clarified for you and others.

2ndly - Lawn car aside, it's not a matter of grass is greener - it's a matter of reasonable expectations. It's reasonable for people to expect their spouse share affection, intimacy, and such things. Perhaps I want a 'rare' relationship then? I find it very depressing when couples talk about 'don't worry - sex fades and you stop feeling 'in-love' with your mate. It becomes a frienship after a few years, so just let it go." I refuse to have 'just a friendship' with my wife. The ONLY difference between friends and lovers is 'passion'. When we wed we committed to a marriage relationship...not to be 'best buds after we got tired of putting a little effort into things'.
But if you are right, geesh...I'd settle just fine for two years of what you call 'gushy' feelings; that's a phase in our relationship we've never had. 2 years of that is better than none At least we would have built up a foundation.

 

[bliz]

Have you asked your wife to go to counseling with you? If she won't, go by youself. Even when only one partner in a marriage is in counseling, it can make a positive difference in a marriage.

The flame or spark in a marriage will burn brighter at some times and less bright at others, but trust me, it does not have to go away! It can be constantly rekindled anjd the marriage can improve over time!

 

[Iridescent]

Hmmmm...I guess I would ask you...is she a good wife to you? Does she love you? Does she treat you well? Maybe there are some things that she would like from you to make her feel more passionate. Is she stressed; does she need a break? Or maybe she is having trouble physically with arousal. That can be due to stress and hormones. Is it possible she is extremely sensitive? I am, and while I'm a very cuddly affectionate person I can't bear to be touched for too long-my nerves feel like they are going haywire. Sometimes my husband would be stroking my hair which I love but if he pulls it the least little bit it's extremely painful to me and I pull away. And when he rubs my skin it feels great for a few minutes and then I just get too sensitive. He doesn't understand why I pull away although I have tried to explain. Could she have a similar problem? I would suggest you talk to her about it. Good luck!