Asperger's - how to connect with people?

[NapoliaDinosaur]

I was recently told by a therapist that I have Asperger's Syndrome -- for 24 years I've had problems socializing and understanding social stuff (among other problems), and never knew what the cause was until now; I always thought I was just weird, lol.

Anyways, I've always wanted and needed friends, but can never seem to get beyond the "acquaintance" stage. I've been at my current church for nearly two years, and am involved in the worship band...but I still can't seem to connect with people, even those who try to talk to me and who I "trust." Does anybody have any tips for how to connect with people when you literally can't form a connection? It's frustrating to watch new people walk in to the church and make instant connections and friendships with the very people that I've been trying (and failing) to connect with for nearly two years. Is it even possible for me to ever have meaningful friendships, when I can't form the connection myself?

 

[setfreebygod]

I have the same problem. I too have been going to my church for almost 2 years. I have one friend and I have talked to her about my difficulties and the reasons why. She has been very kind and I talk to her on the phone. I listen to what interests her. When I found out that she likes books, I began to read some of the books that she liked and we have connected in that way. I have also opened the door to let her know me by sharing what I am doing and what I am struggling with. In order for me to not feel overwhelmingly lonely, I spend time with Jesus. For me, I have begun to journal my feelings and things that make me anxious. I also was given a book by a dear friend, "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. These are daily devotions about being in Jesus' presence. These have helped me stay connected to him. I remember when I first was learning about Aspergers, I had a thought about God not making mistakes. I also was causing my own despair by saying I was looking for a place where I belong. I began to realize that I was digging my own pit by saying I didn't belong anywhere. I had to declare before God that I do belong to Jesus and that pulled me out of the enemies trap. Psalm 139 brought me great comfort. I personally can't handle being around people a lot because the social rules are just overwhelming. My friends that I have support me enough where I know I am loved. The rest of my connection comes from Jesus for he is the anchor to my soul.

 

[Autocannibal]

Relationships with Asperger's requires a lot of faith. I often marvel at just how naturally non-Asperger people connect with each other, but I can only simulate that.

I don't really know of any silver bullets to this problem - caring for people unconditionally can help a little, and on the rare occasions where it does work it produces meaningful relationships, which is really all you need [most non-Asperger relationships aren't that deep].

After wrestling with God on this issue for a while I think that focusing on obedience to God by loving others rather than others' approval or attention is key. Let God do the rest rather than worrying about it, as hard as it may be at times.

It's hard, but remember things like the widow in Luke 21:1-4 or the birds, etc. in Luke 12:22-34. Studying Luke in general was helpful for me.

 

[NapoliaDinosaur]

In response to setfreebygod: I started journaling about a month ago, and realized that the only time I even write in my journal is when I've been in a social situation (which usually means church). I struggle a lot with small talk, which is how most people seem to make their connections. I don't understand small talk, and I can't do it. Which leaves me left out of a lot of things -- even when people try to include me, I feel very awkward and I never know what to say, so I end up just pulling my phone out and pretending I'm doing something important. When people try to talk to me, I can't think of what to say after answering whatever question they ask...and I find myself just sitting there thinking, "Please don't walk away, please just think of something else to ask me or to say" lol. It can get very lonely, especially seeing everyone else building such close friendships so quickly.

In response to Autocannibal: I, too, marvel at how easily people are able to connect with each other. I can't even fathom how quickly they come up with responses, questions, topics of conversation, and how they naturally know what to say or do, when to approach a person, when to leave the conversation. It's amazing how smoothly their interactions are, when my brain is constantly having to work and process everything around me to try to determine what is proper in any given situation. Even the smallest task for me has numerous variables, whereas for most it would be a simple 2+2 equation.
That's an interesting idea though -- focusing on loving others instead of on gaining their approval. It's hard to know how though (and also hard to overcome the fear of being rejected, or of them not wanting me to show them love -- as though I'm below them and they're far above me). I'm definitely willing to listen and/or help anybody who needs it, but I'm not very approachable, and when people do share things with me, I often don't know what the proper response is, so it ends up seeming like I just don't care.

 

[Letter Never Sent]

It's hard to know how though (and also hard to overcome the fear of being rejected, or of them not wanting me to show them love -- as though I'm below them and they're far above me).

Not really, people are just naturally skeptical of someone showing love and it can also come across as clinging. Like "I'm doing this for you, now you do this for me" Love usually comes later in a relationship so people aren't usually expecting it. Remember, they're not perfect either. They can be misunderstood as well.

At my old church there was one guy who, it seemed like just about every week would say "good morning" to me and shake my hand. No matter what was going on or how busy it was. I don't think he did that with everyone else. After a while I began to really appreciate it.

Maybe think of something you would be comfortable asking another person and try it for one week. If you can ask a casual question then they will do the talking, which people love to do. Just be prepared for them to ask you the same question in return.

 

[NapoliaDinosaur]

Not really, people are just naturally skeptical of someone showing love and it can also come across as clinging. Like "I'm doing this for you, now you do this for me" Love usually comes later in a relationship so people aren't usually expecting it. Remember, they're not perfect either. They can be misunderstood as well.

At my old church there was one guy who, it seemed like just about every week would say "good morning" to me and shake my hand. No matter what was going on or how busy it was. I don't think he did that with everyone else. After a while I began to really appreciate it.

Maybe think of something you would be comfortable asking another person and try it for one week. If you can ask a casual question then they will do the talking, which people love to do. Just be prepared for them to ask you the same question in return.

Well, my problem is that if people do talk to me, I feel like they're just doing it out of pity, because they notice that I'm socially awkward and usually sitting off by myself. I feel like they know they're above me, and they would just scoff at someone like me showing them love (even if it is just the love of Christ). It's like a plumber trying to talk to the President.

As far as asking questions -- I never know which question is the "right" question, and asking ANY question feels awkward. I even once had someone present me with a list of questions, and they told me to pick one question from the list to ask them. I couldn't do it. I sat there analyzing the questions trying to figure out which one was the right one, which one they would genuinely want me to ask, etc.

 

[flowerforever7]

Disclaimer *I'm far from having close relationships (my closest "friends" live in different states and we talk once every few months).

Before co-workers would come up to me and try to talk to me and I would be irritated inside, like "oh here comes so and so." I still get socially exhausted and sometimes feel that way, however, one thing I have noticed that works somewhat in creating a closeness or a wanting to pursue more interactions from the other person is asking them about something they've brought up in the past, and then result to those questions as a default in future interactions when I see them. For example, there is a girl who has a dog she talks about affectionately, so I ask her how her dog is, she has also mentioned she works out so I asked her how her training is going. I alternate these questions when I see her. I think it has her thinking I am interested in a friendship and she engages me more and seems to want to connect more. She even asked to be my friend on facebook, which is huge. In my last job I connected with no one, ate lunch with no one, and I think was percieved as socially akward. I tried to reach out to one person and it didn't quite work, was baffled how these people around me seemed to make friends at the job and I just didn't, even though I tried to be friendly. Sometimes it gets to be too much, like I've been asked to go to lunch with two co-workers. I cringe at this because of my social akwardness, and being in a more free-style situation where it is not the same rote enviroment and topics. I tend to have difficulty in new enviroments, enviroments with multiple people talking, with my social akwardness and no "script" of what is going to happen in the situation. I guess that's the hard thing (for me)... I feel either isolated or smothered and overwhelmed by normal neurotypical social overtures when it comes to social contact. However if you are looking to connect more, like I said, I have found that asking people about things they seem to care about each time or close to each time you see them I think either creates interest in them to get to know more about you or form a friendship, or maybe makes them like you because they think you care? Hope this helps in some way..?

 

[NapoliaDinosaur]

When it comes to asking people questions, I always feel like they'll wonder why I'm asking, even if it's something they've talked about before. I worry that they'll think I'm obsessed with them or something just because I remembered that they talked about the subject. That could partially be due to hearing people joke with each other and call each other stalkers (jokingly) after recalling a bit of information they had shared in the past, or something they had done, or even just by calling them multiple times in the same day. I may know they're joking, but at the same time my brain takes things very literally, and since I don't want to be labeled a stalker (even if it is jokingly), I try very hard to not do anything that could cause someone to say that -- which tends to be the extreme of acting like I don't care about people. Couple that with my existing social awkwardness (and everything else brought on by Asperger's), and it makes for a disaster.

The problem is, I do care a lot about people, and there are a few people I would like to develop closer friendships with...it's just so hard to know what's right in a social situation, and how to tell if they're just being nice or if they genuinely do care. I have a lot of "friends" on Facebook, but I doubt there's even one person who would label me a friend in "real life." I'm stuck in the "acquaintance" stage with everyone. I guess I could try asking people about something they care about...it's just a matter of getting over the anxiety and fear, and getting up the courage to actually do it..and then figuring out when exactly the right time is to ask, lol.

 

[dayhiker]

This is one big topic. Therefore I think it takes years for us to be able to move comfortable in it. At my age, I do way better than I used to. Like I used to just watch!

Ya, there are rules, but we can find a few rules that let us into their world. I agree the asking questions is a big one. Accepting that small talk that has no intelligent significance also is important to them. Usually they can't handle long conversations on technical/detailed topics like we tend to love.

But we have to go beyond the question. They will perceive the relationship to be one sided otherwise. What I started to do 25 yrs ago was to take something that happen recently in my life and think of it as a story. I formulate the story in my mind. I keep it quite short. Then look for someone to tell it to. Over a hundred times of telling stories I started to notice some people got really bored with my story. So I started to learn to make it really shorter. If they indicated they really liked a story, I might make it longer with some more detail. Or tell a second story. Its the narrative that get them. Its why people watch so much TV ... even the news people are usually telling the news as a story.

Like any skill, we can learn it .. just get obsessed with it ... LOL

 

[hedrick]

I don't (officially) have Asperger's, but have the same kind of problem. The only thing I'd add is that I don't recommend playing with your phone because you don't know how to participate. There's nothing wrong with just listening. I think people will react to that better than to doing something with your phone. That's likely to look like disrespect.

In some situations I've been able to emulate people around me who are better at it, but only in some situations.

I'm also not sure I'd feel bad about people who try to include you. I'm not sure it's pity in any bad way. It's pretty natural for people to try to help others who aren't involved but seem like they want to be. Christians should be willing to accept help as well as give it. Everybody finds breaking into a new group at least slightly difficult. Since most people are in that situation at times, a lot of people try to be helpful. You may have more awkwardness than average, but almost everybody experiences it some time.

 

[NapoliaDinosaur]

This is one big topic. Therefore I think it takes years for us to be able to move comfortable in it. At my age, I do way better than I used to. Like I used to just watch!

Ya, there are rules, but we can find a few rules that let us into their world. I agree the asking questions is a big one. Accepting that small talk that has no intelligent significance also is important to them. Usually they can't handle long conversations on technical/detailed topics like we tend to love.

But we have to go beyond the question. They will perceive the relationship to be one sided otherwise. What I started to do 25 yrs ago was to take something that happen recently in my life and think of it as a story. I formulate the story in my mind. I keep it quite short. Then look for someone to tell it to. Over a hundred times of telling stories I started to notice some people got really bored with my story. So I started to learn to make it really shorter. If they indicated they really liked a story, I might make it longer with some more detail. Or tell a second story. Its the narrative that get them. Its why people watch so much TV ... even the news people are usually telling the news as a story.

Like any skill, we can learn it .. just get obsessed with it ... LOL

I used to relate things in somewhat of a story format occasionally, if it was a topic I was really familiar with or had thought about a lot -- mostly when I was a child or a teenager. But people got really bored after the first sentence, and they would always either ignore me or tell me to shut up and stop being annoying. So I've gotten in the habit of catching myself saying "too much" about the few subjects I'm knowledgeable about, and I just randomly stop in the middle of a sentence, because I subconsciously think the person won't care and they're not really paying attention or they're not interested in what I'm saying. I only talk when I'm spoken to first though, and if a person asks about one of my "obsession" subjects, that's when the "boring story" mode sets in, and then ends abruptly when I notice it. Either that, or I just avoid the whole thing and respond by saying, "I don't know," lol.

I don't (officially) have Asperger's, but have the same kind of problem. The only thing I'd add is that I don't recommend playing with your phone because you don't know how to participate. There's nothing wrong with just listening. I think people will react to that better than to doing something with your phone. That's likely to look like disrespect.

In some situations I've been able to emulate people around me who are better at it, but only in some situations.

I'm also not sure I'd feel bad about people who try to include you. I'm not sure it's pity in any bad way. It's pretty natural for people to try to help others who aren't involved but seem like they want to be. Christians should be willing to accept help as well as give it. Everybody finds breaking into a new group at least slightly difficult. Since most people are in that situation at times, a lot of people try to be helpful. You may have more awkwardness than average, but almost everybody experiences it some time.

I do listen when I have my phone out...I've relayed very specific details of conversations around me when people thought I wasn't paying attention. Having my phone out is kind of a defense mechanism, to make myself seem less awkward. I never know what to do when I'm just standing there and everyone else is talking. I don't know where to look, what to do with my hands, etc.; so pretending to be playing on my phone takes away some of the awkwardness, as well as shifting a tiny bit of my focus off of the numerous sounds around me.

There are a few people at my church who genuinely seem to care, they just don't quite know how to help me, and I can't seem to explain my problems in a way that they can understand. And even with the knowledge that they would be willing to help if they knew how, I still can't form the connection that everyone else seems to form so easily and effortlessly. But maybe that's the problem -- maybe I should stop trying to form the connection myself (which will clearly never be possible anyways) and just figure out how to let God do it.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, getting the story so that someone else likes it is part of the challenge. That's why I like the story/narrative idea. Good writers have a way of writing that their audience can relate to. If we tell our story so that other ASpies will like it, then we will find others getting bored. So we have to add things that will help others like our story. Perhaps we had few emotions about what we figured out. But when I tell the story I'll exaggerate some the emotions I did feel.

I used to be very selfconscious about my hands, but I don't think other people are, so I just decided to not be either. I intentionally started using my hands more when I spoke. Now sometimes I can be as demontrative as an actor. Rare, but I have done it!

Like I said, took me years! Not an easy fix out there that I know of! besides, I like being AS now, so I don't want a fix.

 

[NapoliaDinosaur]

Ya, getting the story so that someone else likes it is part of the challenge. That's why I like the story/narrative idea. Good writers have a way of writing that their audience can relate to. If we tell our story so that other ASpies will like it, then we will find others getting bored. So we have to add things that will help others like our story. Perhaps we had few emotions about what we figured out. But when I tell the story I'll exaggerate some the emotions I did feel.

I used to be very selfconscious about my hands, but I don't think other people are, so I just decided to not be either. I intentionally started using my hands more when I spoke. Now sometimes I can be as demontrative as an actor. Rare, but I have done it!

Like I said, took me years! Not an easy fix out there that I know of! besides, I like being AS now, so I don't want a fix.

If sharing emotions is what gets people interested in a story, then I'm in trouble lol. I'm better at sharing facts. I honestly don't even know how to express most emotions, much less share them with people. I always feel like it makes me so much more vulnerable if I admit to feeling an emotion (whether it's sadness, anger, joy, or something else). I've always been good at writing, though -- but I don't think I ever incorporated any emotions or feelings into my writing.

 

[Intellectual-Christian]

A very wise person once told me, "Parents love those who love their children." Most of the closer relationships I have developed over the last several years has been because I developed a relationship with their kids. Kids are much easier for me to spend time with because you don't have to be as guarded in your social interaction. Generally, they are just happy to have an adult playing with them. It's also acceptable to be a little odd when playing with kids because they are kids, and you aren't supposed to behave exactly normal.

This provides an opening to have a conversation with the parents. You can just talk about their kids. Most parents love talking about their kids, so this is a good opening. Eventually they will start asking about you. Have some prepared answers for the obvious questions, and eventually you have conversation going.

At my current church, something of a routine has developed. Immediately after the service, I small talk with the adults until the kids get out of children's church/nursery. When they get out, I sit at the podium in the front and the kids come to me. We have fun for a little bit, and then I go back to talking to their parents about the kids. It works well. The parents appreciate having someone to keep their kids busy while keeping them out of trouble so the adults can have adult conversation. They then welcome you into a conversation when the time comes.

The conversation obviously works better with some than with others. I've developed closer relationships with the people who are easier for me to talk to.

I would imagine this works better at smaller churches, where there is more likely to be another adult who can vouch that you are not dangerous. (By all means, avoid being "creepy".) One easy way to gain quick credibility is to offer to help with nursery or children's church. The lead adult will see that you may be odd, but you are fine, and word will spread.

I'm not sure that this would work for everyone. You obviously need to like kids in the first place. I think you also need to be somewhat comfortable in your own skin--understanding that it's okay to be a little odd. If you aren't overly conscientious about it, then the other people you are around are more likely to be comfortable with it.

 

[NapoliaDinosaur]

A very wise person once told me, "Parents love those who love their children." Most of the closer relationships I have developed over the last several years has been because I developed a relationship with their kids. Kids are much easier for me to spend time with because you don't have to be as guarded in your social interaction. Generally, they are just happy to have an adult playing with them. It's also acceptable to be a little odd when playing with kids because they are kids, and you aren't supposed to behave exactly normal.

This provides an opening to have a conversation with the parents. You can just talk about their kids. Most parents love talking about their kids, so this is a good opening. Eventually they will start asking about you. Have some prepared answers for the obvious questions, and eventually you have conversation going.

At my current church, something of a routine has developed. Immediately after the service, I small talk with the adults until the kids get out of children's church/nursery. When they get out, I sit at the podium in the front and the kids come to me. We have fun for a little bit, and then I go back to talking to their parents about the kids. It works well. The parents appreciate having someone to keep their kids busy while keeping them out of trouble so the adults can have adult conversation. They then welcome you into a conversation when the time comes.

The conversation obviously works better with some than with others. I've developed closer relationships with the people who are easier for me to talk to.

I would imagine this works better at smaller churches, where there is more likely to be another adult who can vouch that you are not dangerous. (By all means, avoid being "creepy".) One easy way to gain quick credibility is to offer to help with nursery or children's church. The lead adult will see that you may be odd, but you are fine, and word will spread.

I'm not sure that this would work for everyone. You obviously need to like kids in the first place. I think you also need to be somewhat comfortable in your own skin--understanding that it's okay to be a little odd. If you aren't overly conscientious about it, then the other people you are around are more likely to be comfortable with it.

That actually makes a lot of sense -- it has been easier for me to relate with kids, because they are less judgmental and less tainted by the world. However, in this day and age, adults who talk to kids are viewed as predators, even if they're not being "creepy" and their intentions are pure. It's sad, really, especially considering the fact that Jesus Himself spent time with children, as we see in Scripture.

I might consider volunteering to help with children's church, though. Most of the people at my church know me enough to know that I wouldn't have any impure motives. It's just hard to move past the judgmental attitudes I've seen in the past. Every experience I've had has formed a "rule" in my mind, as my mind tries to decipher the unspoken rules of social interaction which come naturally to everyone else. If a person tells me it's not normal to talk to kids, I go to the opposite extreme in attempt to stay as far away from breaking that "rule" as possible (i.e. I don't talk to kids or acknowledge their presence or anything, lest someone think I'm breaking the "rule"). If a person tells me it's inappropriate for a woman to speak to a pastor asking for advice, that becomes a rule and I go to the extreme of not even wanting to greet the pastor or look at him or anything. It's so hard to determine which of these "rules" are true, the extent to which they reach, and what the proper response to them is. I've wound up walking on egg shells anytime I'm not alone.

 

[Intellectual-Christian]

That actually makes a lot of sense -- it has been easier for me to relate with kids, because they are less judgmental and less tainted by the world. However, in this day and age, adults who talk to kids are viewed as predators, even if they're not being "creepy" and their intentions are pure. It's sad, really, especially considering the fact that Jesus Himself spent time with children, as we see in Scripture.

I might consider volunteering to help with children's church, though. Most of the people at my church know me enough to know that I wouldn't have any impure motives. It's just hard to move past the judgmental attitudes I've seen in the past. Every experience I've had has formed a "rule" in my mind, as my mind tries to decipher the unspoken rules of social interaction which come naturally to everyone else. If a person tells me it's not normal to talk to kids, I go to the opposite extreme in attempt to stay as far away from breaking that "rule" as possible (i.e. I don't talk to kids or acknowledge their presence or anything, lest someone think I'm breaking the "rule"). If a person tells me it's inappropriate for a woman to speak to a pastor asking for advice, that becomes a rule and I go to the extreme of not even wanting to greet the pastor or look at him or anything. It's so hard to determine which of these "rules" are true, the extent to which they reach, and what the proper response to them is. I've wound up walking on egg shells anytime I'm not alone.

I do understand the concerns about being perceived as a predator. I think this is why it works better at smaller churches and if you have volunteered with the children's ministries. It seems to be more acceptable, then.

I also have to continually remind myself not to make these rules too hard and fast. This is where being comfortable in my own skin comes in. I've become okay with making a fool of myself. I'm okay with people viewing me as odd. The people I will want to spend time with will be okay with my being somewhat odd anyway. The others I don't really care about (and most of them eventually come around at a small church). I can't live life overcompensating for anything that might be perceived as being odd. It's hard sometimes, but it seems to be the only way for me to develop relationships with people. If I am too on guard all the time, I will never be comfortable talking with anyone over the age of 10.

 

[NapoliaDinosaur]

I do understand the concerns about being perceived as a predator. I think this is why it works better at smaller churches and if you have volunteered with the children's ministries. It seems to be more acceptable, then.

I also have to continually remind myself not to make these rules too hard and fast. This is where being comfortable in my own skin comes in. I've become okay with making a fool of myself. I'm okay with people viewing me as odd. The people I will want to spend time with will be okay with my being somewhat odd anyway. The others I don't really care about (and most of them eventually come around at a small church). I can't live life overcompensating for anything that might be perceived as being odd. It's hard sometimes, but it seems to be the only way for me to develop relationships with people. If I am too on guard all the time, I will never be comfortable talking with anyone over the age of 10.

Well, I guess it will definitely be a challenge then. I'm still in the mindset that I don't want people to view me as being odd, I want people to view me as being "normal," which will likely never happen. It's difficult for me to accept that God would intentionally create me as He did. But I suppose if I can't accept it, I shouldn't expect others to either.

I've had people tell me that they like me because I'm different -- and instead of taking it as a compliment, I get mad and offended, because I really don't want to be different...I want to be like them. Not a clone necessarily, just able to interact and understand like they do. It would be a whole lot easier if the "rules" of social interaction weren't so vague and confusing (and some even seemingly contradictory).

 

[dayhiker]

. It's difficult for me to accept that God would intentionally create me as He did. But I suppose if I can't accept it, I shouldn't expect others to either.
.

I think this is a very wise statement. And its why you should accept yourself. Teen really want to be like everyone else. Its an exceptional person that can go against the crowd as a teenage. We see this in Daniel. As he served the king as a youth he was very respectful. When he got older, he didn't take everything the later kings put on him. Age for most people brings an acceptance of who they are. I see that as good unless they are really doing things that hurt people. But many of our differences don't hurt people. So there is nothing wrong with them.

As AS I think its healthy to accept who we are. Still learn about the NTs and how to inter react with them. But I no longer want to be NT. I much prefer being AS and not having the problem I see that they have. I don't have a severe case of AS so someone who's AS causes them major problems my not be able to go there.

 

[NapoliaDinosaur]

I think this is a very wise statement. And its why you should accept yourself. Teen really want to be like everyone else. Its an exceptional person that can go against the crowd as a teenage. We see this in Daniel. As he served the king as a youth he was very respectful. When he got older, he didn't take everything the later kings put on him. Age for most people brings an acceptance of who they are. I see that as good unless they are really doing things that hurt people. But many of our differences don't hurt people. So there is nothing wrong with them.

As AS I think its healthy to accept who we are. Still learn about the NTs and how to inter react with them. But I no longer want to be NT. I much prefer being AS and not having the problem I see that they have. I don't have a severe case of AS so someone who's AS causes them major problems my not be able to go there.

I think your last paragraph sums up a major problem I'm having. I'm trying to understand how people interact and communicate...trying to understand what's "normal" so I can hopefully connect with people. But doing so makes me think I have to be like them to connect with them. It's like a catch-22 though, because if I do manage to learn their patterns, and I learn to mimic them, I'd just be being a fake, an actor, someone that I'm not...and I think that might end up hurting more than being alone. But if I don't learn to mimic their behaviors, I fear that I'll be stuck in this endless cycle, this "black hole" of never understanding, never being able to relate, trying unsuccessfully to explain, being misunderstood, and sitting alone at the end of a long week where I haven't had even one conversation.

 

[dayhiker]

I guess I don't think the point is to try and mimic what we learn about the NTs. Its about learning to speak to them, to tell our story so they find it interesting. To learn when its boring them and back off. Many NTs find our view points different and an interesting way view a situation. But we have to tell it in a way that is acceptable to them. All speakers do this: preachers, politicians, educators. Even Nts study how they are going to communicate their ideas.