F
Fox8383
Guest
Theres not a doubt in my mind its some kind of a curse. My short term memory is practically non-existent and useless, I forget just about everything. I can't even really memorize things from the Bible. If I try to remember something the best I can do is I'll remember that there was something I wanted to remember 5-10 minutes later I won't remember what it was. If theres something I'm doing or thinking about and I get distracted by any little stupid thing, its gone. Just gone. Its gotten worse as I've gotten older. But somehow things eventually make it to my long term memory. Its like a car going from one side of a bridge to the other side, and there's no bridge there in the first place.
A test I took to see what my emotional maturity is on a scale of 1 to 100 said mine is a 2. Which is the reason why I cannot keep a stable relationship to save my life, and that's only if I can even have one that lasts past the point when the other person starts to think I'm retarded when I'm really not. I have to say that is the worst part of all of it. When a social situation starts and I can't keep up and the struggle is obvious, I see the look on their face change when I manage to glance at it. Its when they start to wonder "Is this guy retarded?". I know I'm not. I thought I was for almost my entire life until a few months ago when I first found out what it is. God actually let me know Himself after I asked Him what was wrong with me enough times. I'm smart in the things I'm interested in. But whats the point in being intelligent when everyone else thinks you're a retard no matter what you do? I remember one time as a kid, I was with one of my temporary friends. He had this neighbor who was a pretty cute girl and she hung out with us once. I liked her, and the next day I asked him if she said anything about me. "She thinks you're retarded".
I was very harshly bullied from childhood up to 14, and still bullied but not as badly because I moved at 15 until I was out of high school. But before I moved, I tell you it nearly got to the point where I almost took my fathers Ak-47 and 2 loaded clips to school. For some reason I decided not to, I wanted to see if life would get better. But if I had you would've heard about it a few years before columbine happened. I literally nearly lost my mind because of the bullying. Now instead of being bullied its people having fun with my gullibility.
Eye contact is impossible, I can't even look my own father in the eyes. And lucky for us this whole world revolves around eye contact. I can to a point if I'm not talking, but if I try to speak while look in their eyes I get so full of anxiety that I end up speaking pretty much gibberish, which puts the "Is he retarded?" thought in their minds. So, in their mind I can either be a weird guy with zero confidence and worth bullying, or a retard, and worth bullying.
There's the obsessive thoughts about things that I literally wish I could take a knife and cut out from my brain permanently. I don't want to go into that any further.
I'm nearly 28 and I still live with my father and I can't drive and it kills me. Driving is dangerious for me because I kept zoning out and being easily distracted, bad ADD no doubt. I would've gotten in very bad accidents if it weren't for him yelling "Break!" a number of times. They don't know I have aspergers. I don't want to tell them because I think they are already disappointed in me enough. By my age my father was a doctor, married and had a 2 year old son, and a house. And look at me. I can't even take care of myself. I'm the joke of the family. I don't want to be this way but its like I'm enclosed in a glass box. I Burn inside to connect deep with people but the 100% failure rate has me given up and isolated.
The only perk is videographic long term memory but its also useless because its mostly junk and bad memories anyway, but my long term is very good.
I'm still a virgin, which I'm actually fine with. I'm waiting for marriage but I have a feeling I'll probably die before that happens.
I would give my right nut to be cured. I've asked Him. I brought up how He cured people 2000 years ago just by them asking, and a number of them didn't even thank Him. He knows how eternally grateful I would be. But I guess His answer is no. I had thought the reason why He even let me know what it was after I asked what was wrong with me, because I always knew I was different. I thought it was so I could ask to be healed of it. But it didn't happen. God is my only real friend. I talk to Him about absolutely everything. I want Him to use me to do good things. But He would have to preform many, many, miracles all at once to get any real use out of me.
But what gets me is.
This is done to us. I don't feel like looking them up but there are plenty of scriptures in the Bible saying God knits us together in the womb, brains included. He knowingly did this to us. God does not make mistakes. Nothing slips past Him. He knew when He was forming the wires in our brains what the effects would be. So.. It gets really difficult at times trying to be friends with the very one that caused my life to be a living hell in the first place.
Thoughts of suicide creep into my mind. I don't have the balls to do it and I couldn't do that to the very few who know/care about me. But, I do look forward to when I can leave this body behind and go to a place where aspergers doesn't exist. There were times when I was a young kid where I nearly died. But didn't. He has kept me around for some kind of reason. I cannot possibly imagine what that is. Because there's only one word that can be used to describe me.
Useless.
A test I took to see what my emotional maturity is on a scale of 1 to 100 said mine is a 2. Which is the reason why I cannot keep a stable relationship to save my life, and that's only if I can even have one that lasts past the point when the other person starts to think I'm retarded when I'm really not. I have to say that is the worst part of all of it. When a social situation starts and I can't keep up and the struggle is obvious, I see the look on their face change when I manage to glance at it. Its when they start to wonder "Is this guy retarded?". I know I'm not. I thought I was for almost my entire life until a few months ago when I first found out what it is. God actually let me know Himself after I asked Him what was wrong with me enough times. I'm smart in the things I'm interested in. But whats the point in being intelligent when everyone else thinks you're a retard no matter what you do? I remember one time as a kid, I was with one of my temporary friends. He had this neighbor who was a pretty cute girl and she hung out with us once. I liked her, and the next day I asked him if she said anything about me. "She thinks you're retarded".
I was very harshly bullied from childhood up to 14, and still bullied but not as badly because I moved at 15 until I was out of high school. But before I moved, I tell you it nearly got to the point where I almost took my fathers Ak-47 and 2 loaded clips to school. For some reason I decided not to, I wanted to see if life would get better. But if I had you would've heard about it a few years before columbine happened. I literally nearly lost my mind because of the bullying. Now instead of being bullied its people having fun with my gullibility.
Eye contact is impossible, I can't even look my own father in the eyes. And lucky for us this whole world revolves around eye contact. I can to a point if I'm not talking, but if I try to speak while look in their eyes I get so full of anxiety that I end up speaking pretty much gibberish, which puts the "Is he retarded?" thought in their minds. So, in their mind I can either be a weird guy with zero confidence and worth bullying, or a retard, and worth bullying.
There's the obsessive thoughts about things that I literally wish I could take a knife and cut out from my brain permanently. I don't want to go into that any further.
I'm nearly 28 and I still live with my father and I can't drive and it kills me. Driving is dangerious for me because I kept zoning out and being easily distracted, bad ADD no doubt. I would've gotten in very bad accidents if it weren't for him yelling "Break!" a number of times. They don't know I have aspergers. I don't want to tell them because I think they are already disappointed in me enough. By my age my father was a doctor, married and had a 2 year old son, and a house. And look at me. I can't even take care of myself. I'm the joke of the family. I don't want to be this way but its like I'm enclosed in a glass box. I Burn inside to connect deep with people but the 100% failure rate has me given up and isolated.
The only perk is videographic long term memory but its also useless because its mostly junk and bad memories anyway, but my long term is very good.
I'm still a virgin, which I'm actually fine with. I'm waiting for marriage but I have a feeling I'll probably die before that happens.
I would give my right nut to be cured. I've asked Him. I brought up how He cured people 2000 years ago just by them asking, and a number of them didn't even thank Him. He knows how eternally grateful I would be. But I guess His answer is no. I had thought the reason why He even let me know what it was after I asked what was wrong with me, because I always knew I was different. I thought it was so I could ask to be healed of it. But it didn't happen. God is my only real friend. I talk to Him about absolutely everything. I want Him to use me to do good things. But He would have to preform many, many, miracles all at once to get any real use out of me.
But what gets me is.
This is done to us. I don't feel like looking them up but there are plenty of scriptures in the Bible saying God knits us together in the womb, brains included. He knowingly did this to us. God does not make mistakes. Nothing slips past Him. He knew when He was forming the wires in our brains what the effects would be. So.. It gets really difficult at times trying to be friends with the very one that caused my life to be a living hell in the first place.
Thoughts of suicide creep into my mind. I don't have the balls to do it and I couldn't do that to the very few who know/care about me. But, I do look forward to when I can leave this body behind and go to a place where aspergers doesn't exist. There were times when I was a young kid where I nearly died. But didn't. He has kept me around for some kind of reason. I cannot possibly imagine what that is. Because there's only one word that can be used to describe me.
Useless.
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I could make friends with one person but never more than that. My parents moved a lot so I have always blamed my lack of friendships on the number of moves we had and that I never learned how to make and keep friends. I never had a clue that it had something to do with how I looked at the world. I can tell you that since I started discovering this, I have gotten more compassion on my daughter. I use to correct her all the time for her social skills and I was always left confused as to why she was unable to get it. Since I have learned that it is asperger's, I have slowed down with her. I explain the social nuances that she is missing and then she tells me OH! like the light bulb is going on. 
