Ashamed...Prayer and Advise Please :(

[MerCYsMIraCLe]

I have been a member here for YEARS. Life has been busy and I have not been around. I find myself back here for a differing reason than years ago. I am ashamed to admit that I am not the person I used to be. Still in love with my Saviour, still believing in all he did for me.... Yet I feel I am no longer living according to how i used to or should.

The past few years I have been struggling with Alcohol. It was not a major struggle until recently. The past year I feel I have taken a dive. I am not always intoxicated, (couldnt afford that..lol) nor am I always drinking heavily...but it seems I want it more often then not. I will have at least 1 drink per day with maybe a day or two break...other days I will have a few - or quite a few. Sadly, whereas many people can be a social drinker, I am starting to think I am unable to be without wanting more to drink at times. At times, i will also smoke (something I gave up in 1995...but now desire it when i have a drink) I am so ashamed. No one knows my internal struggle (although I have confided in my husband, who by the Grace of God loves me despite of me.Although he is not overly concerned with my drinking, he has recognized that I tend to go overboard at times)


Also - I am concerned for my health. Not just simply because I drink (and at times smoke)..but because recently, if I have more than a couple drinks, I wake up in the middle of the night with a SUPER racing heart beat - and pounding!! It gives me anxiety (I struggle with that also) so I am so concerned Has anyone suffered from this. This is new to me!! I have read that it is very normal for some people after drinking...yet I never used to get this, even when I was a teenager IONS ago (before Christ) and would binge drink all the time!! Why now?

I do not know what I am seeking here. Maybe to know I am not alone? For advise and a hug? I feel as if I have lost my testimony. Like I am a fraud and a hypocrite. Why did I allow this to happen. I take full responsibility. I definitely desire to NOT be a heavy drinker, to be healthy and be a good example to my children and feel right with my Saviour. I feel so ashamed at and at times do feel worthy of freedom. Make sense?

 

[ReesePiece23]

Hey matey,

First of all you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. We all face our own individual challenges in life, and this just happens to be yours. It also sounds as if you're giving yourself a serious kicking when what you need to be doing now, is it to start being A LOT kinder to yourself.

Is there is a specific thought that triggers these urges? And do you find that the intensity of the urge peaks at certain times of the day? Because if there is a reoccurring theme here, then the first step is to recognise it. Because the habit could also be imprinted onto your body clock so to speak, and in that sense, it's a biological urge and well as a behavioural one.

I'll be praying for you for deliverance from this. I've seen what alcohol addiction can do, and it's not as clean cut and black and white as you make out. You're NOT to blame for it. It's a very complex situation and you might benefit from talking to a health care professional or someone you trust from your church.

And where we can, all of us are here to help too - even if it's just for friendship or encouragement.

Take care.

 

[guyfromnb]

I wouldn't feel too bad about losing your testimony. I think we sometimes put too much pressure upon ourselves as Christians in front of others. Pressure that not even Christ is putting on us.

I leave you with a few verses here, that really encouraged me in my walk with Christ. They are found in the Bible translation The Message. I have many translation on my shelves including the New king James James version. But my two favorites are definitely the New Living Translation and the Message.

So here's the verses. I hope they comfort and encourage you:

Have some of you noticed that we are not yet perfect? (Galatians 2: 17 MSG) I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law man" so that I could be God's man (v.19) My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. (v.20)

For in Christ, neither our most conscientious religion nor disregard of religion amounts to anything. What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love. (Galatians 5:6)

For my part, I am going to boast about nothing but the Cross of our Master, Jesus Christ. Because of that Cross, I have been crucified in relation to the world, set free from the stifling atmosphere of pleasing others and fitting into the little patterns that they dictate. (Galatians 6:14)

We couldn't carry this off by our own efforts, and we know it - even though we can list what many might think are impressive credentials.(Philippians 3:3-4) everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant - dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ - God's righteousness. (vv.8-9)

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. (v.12)

 

[Autumnleaf]

I felt the same way. Prayed for God to remove the cravings of alcohol. I thought God wasn't listening but people were telling me I was an alcoholic and telling me to go to AA. I didn't listen to them. God was going to fix things in His own time. Eventually a state trooper pulled me over and a judge sent me to AA. It took me awhile to realize God uses people to get things done. Sometimes I wish I had listened to the first people he sent to help me but things happen according to His plan and not my preferences.

 

[guyfromnb]

Pride kept me away from AA because I didn't think it was what God was intended for me... But at one point it was either that or continue in the downward spiral I was in...I'm glad I let go of my pride a little and start reading what men like Bill W. had to say in books like "As Bill Sees It", and "Alcoholic Anonymous"

 

[Nelliebell]

Hello,
I understand about the shame and bad feelings about being a Christian drunk.
I felt bad, then I stopped feeling bad when I drank because I believed God knows how sick I was and I am not my healer. God is the healer and Jesus is the deliverer.
I think shame is the devil's way of making Christian drinkers feel guilty. I now realized that shame for me was a way of saying that I need to perfect to be with God and to love Jesus.
If your life on earth was a car, would you want to drive the car or get out and push your car.
Cars need gas, oil, water, batteries to run well. The gas, oil, etc. is the source of power for the car to run. There is only one true source of power and that is the Truth of God's love through our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.
If a sailor was on a sailboat, would the sailor blow the sail for the boat to move. Self-power like that is trying and hopeless and in-effective.
I know because I tried for along time to push my car and move my boat.
Father God, may people who read this have eyes to see and ears to hear you love for them in Jesus' wonderful name, amen.