Arranged Marriages

[Jonathan Jarvis]

Not talking about forced marriages.

Bearing in mind the huge increase in divorce over recent years, would a little help from family in choosing a spouse go amiss.

 

[Syd the Human]

Not talking about forced marriages.

Bearing in mind the huge increase in divorce over recent years, would a little help from family in choosing a spouse go amiss.

An arranged marriage can be a forced marriage, the two are not mutually exclusive. However, if the two actually like each other and/or honestly do not care who they marry as long as they are a good person they can go for it.

 

[PsychoSarah]

Well, the approval of the family does help prevent future conflict, but I wouldn't let my mom play matchmaker

 

[Jonathan Jarvis]

An arranged marriage can be a forced marriage, the two are not mutually exclusive.

Shotgun weddings - do they count as forced marriages? Got the tee - shirt there.

 

[PsychoSarah]

Shotgun weddings - do they count as forced marriages? Got the tee - shirt there.

You know they do

 

[JustMeSee]

Not talking about forced marriages.

Bearing in mind the huge increase in divorce over recent years, would a little help from family in choosing a spouse go amiss.

The title of your thread doesn't really match your OP.

Our culture of love and then marriage is not one that goes along with arranged marriages. Frequently, arranged marriages are two people who barely know each other (or are not romantically involved) and learn to love each other after marriage. A very strong commitment is required to make and keep it healthy.

As far as parents helping to find compatible mates for their children? Sure, it could be great in many situations. Parents often can bring experience to the equation.

 

[Ediala]

I don't see anything wrong with arranged marriages, but if they are forced, that sets up so many dynamics for the relationship that those who "love" each other don't have to deal with. I can't see how arranged marriages would have a better success rate than chosen relationships. Seems to me they would be full of discomfort and struggles from the start.

 

[SoldierOfTheKing]

I can't see how arranged marriages would have a better success rate than chosen relationships.

The divorce rate in the Western world today suggests that they do. It's certainly questionable how good a foundation for marriage romantic love really is.

Seems to me they would be full of discomfort and struggles from the start.

Even the best of marriages have discomfort and struggles.

 

[durangodawood]

Shotgun weddings - do they count as forced marriages? Got the tee - shirt there.

SHOTGUN wedding?

You even have to ask if thats force?

 

[Gadarene]

The divorce rate in the Western world today suggests that they do. It's certainly questionable how good a foundation for marriage romantic love really is.

Suspect most places that arrange marriages also aren't going to have the most liberal of divorce laws.

Not really comparing apples with apples there.

 

[Jonathan Jarvis]

SHOTGUN wedding?

You even have to ask if thats force?

No one actually stood behind me with a shotgun.

Following the awkward conversation with my parents:

Mother - "You've made your bed my lad"

Father - "You've let your trousers rule your head"

40 odd years ago it was accepted that if you made your girlfriend pregnant you did the decent thing and married her. A person who did not was the exception.

I suppose it was society held the shotgun.

 

[Hetta]

I don't think that anyone should have a partner chosen for them.

 

[Hetta]

No one actually stood behind me with a shotgun.

Following the awkward conversation with my parents:

Mother - "You've made your bed my lad"

Father - "You've let your trousers rule your head"

40 odd years ago it was accepted that if you made your girlfriend pregnant you did the decent thing and married her. A person who did not was the exception.

I suppose it was society held the shotgun.

Are you no longer married to that person? I'm assuming because you don't have the wedding rings icon. So are you basing your question on the premise that, if you hadn't gotten your girlfriend pregnant but instead had allowed your parents to choose your wife, you'd still be married?

That's a lot of assuming on my part, I know.

 

[parsley]

To work, families would have to agree on that premise years before -- they couldn't just announce a new plan and change the whole activity of their children's dating.

Unplanned pregancies still happen even with arranged marriages -- hopefully to the right person.

These days some kids don't sit down long enough to talk with parents -- they get uncomfortable and squirm out of it, expect they'll be told they're wrong. It might be good to implement a scheduled talk about relationships in early teens -- make sure everyone knows it well ahead of time, make it part of the culture. I'm not talking about "the" talk, but more about what they want out of life, how to plan for the future.

 

[seashale76]

I've known people who have had arranged marriages. Their marriages seemed to work out well for them. They told me they had veto power. (In one case, an Afghani friend of mine wound up vetoing every marriage proposal from her list of acceptable Afghani potential husbands in North America.) So, as long as the two people going through with an arranged marriage are 100% behind the idea, I have no problem with it. That's the thing though- no marriage will work unless you have both people involved committed to making it work- be it arranged or not.

 

[Ediala]

The divorce rate in the Western world today suggests that they do. It's certainly questionable how good a foundation for marriage romantic love really is.

I don't disagree with this really. My thought was that this would be a harder route for success.

Even the best of marriages have discomfort and struggles.

I totally agree.

Marriage is hard for the best, fill with both struggles and hopefully rewards too.

 

[Jonathan Jarvis]

Are you no longer married to that person? I'm assuming because you don't have the wedding rings icon. So are you basing your question on the premise that, if you hadn't gotten your girlfriend pregnant but instead had allowed your parents to choose your wife, you'd still be married?

That's a lot of assuming on my part, I know.

There was a deal of anger, bitterness and resentment on my part when I compared my lifestyle with that of my peers. In the early years the resentment got in the way of loving my wife. I was 19 at the time and my friends had plenty of money, cars and went out a lot, while my wife and I were stuck at home. But the marriage lasted 25 years.

I changed careers and thought I could do better. So I took the path many men have trod and went to find a younger version of what I thought would be the ideal wife.

( Oh stupid man! Why didn't you remember what your father said about letting your trousers rule your head!)

Second marriage is in a mess and we have been separated for over 2 years. (Lost 6 bedroom house and savings in the process.)

I suppose if my parents had chosen a wife for me would it had been any different? Maybe --- I don't know?

 

[keith99]

I don't think that anyone should have a partner chosen for them.

I used to think so, still do really, but I realized it is not as simple as some see it after reading 'Three Cups of Tea'.

What is just background for the biographical story is how things are in remote villages. There are basically 2 choices. Arranged marriages or dangerous inbreeding.

When it is a 2-3 day trip to the nearest village, a trip that is unsafe for an unescorted female the idea of courtship starts to have problems. When one realizes that this is true subsistence farming one realizes no one, man or woman can afford to take days off from productive work, especially for a marriage that may not happen.

 

[yusufleeevans]

Arranged marriages have problems; the biggest being the lack of say that the two individuals have in who they marry. You're looking at a system that isn't bent on bringing together people that truly love each other, but one that brings honor and wealth to the families of both. That's the historical aspect of it there.

 

[seashale76]

I used to think so, still do really, but I realized it is not as simple as some see it after reading 'Three Cups of Tea'.

What is just background for the biographical story is how things are in remote villages. There are basically 2 choices. Arranged marriages or dangerous inbreeding.

When it is a 2-3 day trip to the nearest village, a trip that is unsafe for an unescorted female the idea of courtship starts to have problems. When one realizes that this is true subsistence farming one realizes no one, man or woman can afford to take days off from productive work, especially for a marriage that may not happen.

Now I'm going to have to read that book. Apparently- the villages some are from in certain parts of the world can dictate who is acceptable to socialize with or marry. There was an older couple at my parish (neither of whom had good English and were hard to understand) who have both passed on now, that tried to explain to me how they were from different villages (probably Lebanon- but it wasn't made too clear to me) and her parents wouldn't approve their marriage. Essentially, they eloped, but they both insisted it was a kidnapping. They were very much in love to the end- but they both sought to assure me that bride kidnapping wasn't done or acceptable there anymore.