Arguments In A Long-Distance Relationship

[robalan]

Hi,

I've been courting this girl for a year right now. We live half-way across the country from each other and are planning on meeting for the first time within the month.

What's the problem? We argue like ALL THE TIME. You wouldn't think it was possible online. I mean, we talk all the time. But it's like we argue over EVERY LITTLE THING. And we get SO FRUSTRATED all the time. How this is possible in an LDR is beyong me. But it's happening.

I don't want to start a lifestyle of tempremental relationships. I saw my mother do that and I don't want to repeat it.

What do you all think? Is this bad news? Should I just end this since there's so much arguing? Did anyone have a succesful marriage which started out as lots of arguments but then went smooth sailing? My opinion is that if you argue a lot BEFORE marriage, you'll argue a lot AFTER marriage.

Thanks for your input.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Hey

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I don't know what all the issues are but it seems like you two have a lot of issues. I would recommend you both doing some counseling...together would be preferred.

I would also purchase a Christian book on the questions that you should ask yourself and the other person before marriage....might be handy.....

 

[txlonestar]

Personally, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Me and my girlfriend are in a LDR. 6000 miles apart, at that. One thing I've noticed is that we are more likely to get frustrated with each other when we're apart.For example, I was home a couple months ago for a month and we didn't argue the whole time. The closest we came is when she would get real tired, which is normal for her. Talking all the time can do it, too, in an LDR. When she and I get really irritated, we'll take a little time from talking. I'm sure being in person will be different. I wouldn't make any decision until ya'll are together and sees what happens.

 

[MN John]

Part of it could be the stress of being apart. I would say see how you interact in person. It may be much better. Then you'll have a better idea as to whether this is going to be a problem.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Hi,

I've been courting this girl for a year right now. We live half-way across the country from each other and are planning on meeting for the first time within the month.

What's the problem? We argue like ALL THE TIME. You wouldn't think it was possible online. I mean, we talk all the time. But it's like we argue over EVERY LITTLE THING. And we get SO FRUSTRATED all the time. How this is possible in an LDR is beyong me. But it's happening.

I don't want to start a lifestyle of tempremental relationships. I saw my mother do that and I don't want to repeat it.

What do you all think? Is this bad news? Should I just end this since there's so much arguing? Did anyone have a succesful marriage which started out as lots of arguments but then went smooth sailing? My opinion is that if you argue a lot BEFORE marriage, you'll argue a lot AFTER marriage.

Thanks for your input.

I know exactly what you are going through. I was having the same exact experience, and what we found worked for us was just taking a little break. How often do you guys talk? For me and my guy we talked everyday, for at least a couple hours everyday, sometimes up to six hours in a day. It just got to be too much, so we would take a day or two off and then when we called each other it went back to the way it should be and things were much better. It also could be that you are getting restless and excited about meeting her. You are probably wondering if it is all going to be the same in person as it is on the phone. These are all legitimate concerns, and she is probably experiencing a whole range of emotions herself. Don't give up on it, wait until you meet and see how you interact with each other before you make any decisions.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

I think that in today's day and age there is nothing wrong with long distance relationships. But at some point you MUST bridge the gap and move closer to each other which will be a sacrifice on someones part. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. As for the arguing it could be a result of the stress of being apart and the frusstration that comes with it. I guess it all depends on what the arguing is about. My advice is to make plans to mee the person. If the arguening continues or escalates when you are physically together then I would say that you probably arent good matches for each other and things will probably only get worse.

 

[YouthPastor]

I bet it would continue after you meet. unless something/someone changes.

of course we don't really have any details either.

 

[peanutbutter12]

Another thing to think on is the trust factor. You didn't give a lot of information on what exactly was going on, but from my own experience with my first long distance relationship, there are a lot of things I can identify with. First being the talking thing. Like ChildofGod1586, we would talk for 5-6 hours a day. Sometimes longer than that if we could. So when there were days that we couldn't talk, it was very irritating because it interfered with our routine. This led to some arguments.

The other factor was trust. Do you get irritated because you have to constantly wonder what she is doing or vice versa and you try to keep each other as close as possible so you don't end up hurt but end up hurting each other by not giving space to breathe?

The one thing you need to ask youself is why you are together? If you don't enjoy each others company and soend more time arguing than enjoying each others company, then why are you two in a relationship? Do you think it will get better after you meet because remember that you will still be going back home and it will be back to business. Or are you with her because you just can't let go? Think on it.

CJ

 

[Hope_0004]

Part of it could be the stress of being apart. I would say see how you interact in person. It may be much better. Then you'll have a better idea as to whether this is going to be a problem.

I agree. I would wait and see how it is when you are actually together - you owe it that much at least, after a year of effort. I don't do LDR's anymore (too painful and complicated for me personally), but I was in one for two years. Sometimes I'd get very frustrated not at my boyfriend, but at the sheer distance, and I remember wanting to just throw the phone through the wall (we didn't use computers much). I'm sure I wasn't always the easiest person to talk to then.

BUT, if after you meet, etc., you are still fighting all the time, I'd say call it quits. I mean, nothing good can come of that, right - who wants to fight all the time?

 

[DeepThinker]

Hi,

I've been courting this girl for a year right now. We live half-way across the country from each other and are planning on meeting for the first time within the month.

What's the problem? We argue like ALL THE TIME. You wouldn't think it was possible online. I mean, we talk all the time. But it's like we argue over EVERY LITTLE THING. And we get SO FRUSTRATED all the time. How this is possible in an LDR is beyong me. But it's happening.

I don't want to start a lifestyle of tempremental relationships. I saw my mother do that and I don't want to repeat it.

What do you all think? Is this bad news? Should I just end this since there's so much arguing? Did anyone have a succesful marriage which started out as lots of arguments but then went smooth sailing? My opinion is that if you argue a lot BEFORE marriage, you'll argue a lot AFTER marriage.

Thanks for your input.

Nothing wrong with a good arguement between lovers, seriously though every couple gos through stages, sometimes long stages of argument esspecially when you are long distance, Im talking from personal experience here, my girlfriend has just come back from university after 3 years and she lives a good 250 miles away from me. The trouble I think comes from the lack of being able to "kiss and make up" you feel more disconected from each other than usual. And I dont want to say that all relationships are the same but after a year is normally the first big test in a relationship.

My advice would be ride it out for a bit longer, if things dont start picking up in a few more months give it some more thought.

 

[California Dreamin']

I was going to say that being apart is probably why, but others already suggested that.
I work at the same place as my current boyfriend and I have known him since I was 14, but I did have a few LDRs before, it was stressful.

 

[Mskedi]

I don't think arguing a lot is healthy (particularly if it's the same things over and over) whether it's a LDR or not. Yes, there may be some stress involved in the LDR, but you guys need to figure out how you're going to resolve your problems through communication that actually goes somewhere rather than through arguments.

Good luck.

 

[none the wiser]

Hi

One of my best friends was in a LDR with a guy, and they fought constantly. It ended very badly, and I don't think it would have been as bad if they hadn't met. It was about major issues however. If this is just bickering, it's probably stress. I'm in an LDR, and it happens to us sometimes. My boyfriend told me once that since we were told we'd not be able to be together for christmas (this was around january I think) he got a lot more aggressive. Like he would try to pick a fight. I just cried a lot more. lol. So it could be that you both react the way my bf did. Hope things work out for the best for you

 

[feesha]

from my perspective (the girl he is courting) the fights start from these issues:
1. talking on the phone. we've been emailing for a year and we've talked on the phone a total of 4 times. so we fight because i want to talk and he doesn't.
2. seeing each other.
i've offered to go there a handful of times since before march. everytime i ask he'll ignore the question. he's supposed to come in 2 weeks but we're currently fighting again. i don't know why, it started the other day about bikinis. somehow we got through that and then it started again over things to do when he comes
3.modesty
when he comes he doesn't want to stay in my guest bedroom at my house because it's not appropriate. he also doesn't want to do anything water related (2 of my ideas down: awater park and a picnic on the beach). i thought we could stay overnight in a city in 2 seperate rooms but that is not appropriate either. it frustrates me that we can't do these things and i don't know what to do now, when he comes. i'm freaked out about what to wear and what we CAN do together.
4.boughts of silence
when he gets upset at any of the issues he will ignore me anywhere from 6 hrs - 2days. meaning he won't answer my emails. i can't call since that channel has never been familiarized.

i don't think it's healthy that we fight and i don't want to fight. maybe we should go to couples therapy? but that would mean actually seeing him and we haven't even met! and so much is riding on meeting him, i don't know if he's physically attracted to me and i want him to have a great time here and i have no idea what we'll do. and the most i'll ever see him is once a month!
i guess it's a little different for the subject of the post to post on here, but eh. thanks for all of the advice. this is definitley a hard relationship. the communication barrier is the most frustrating.

 

[none the wiser]

from my perspective (the girl he is courting) the fights start from these issues:
1. talking on the phone. we've been emailing for a year and we've talked on the phone a total of 4 times. so we fight because i want to talk and he doesn't.

I think this worries me the most. For an LDR to work really well, communication is the most important thing. Like it needs to happen, because really it's all you guys have right now. Emails are ok, but definitely not the best. MSN messenger is what we use, cause it has a webcam feature so we see each other and talk every day.

2. seeing each other.
i've offered to go there a handful of times since before march. everytime i ask he'll ignore the question. he's supposed to come in 2 weeks but we're currently fighting again. i don't know why, it started the other day about bikinis. somehow we got through that and then it started again over things to do when he comes

Then I'll pose this question to robalan...why don't you want her to visit you?

@ feesha, it might be a guy thing. My bf would have rather come here than me go there to meet, but it worked out so it was better for me to go. Your guy seems pretty traditional is the reason I say this.

3.modesty
when he comes he doesn't want to stay in my guest bedroom at my house because it's not appropriate. he also doesn't want to do anything water related (2 of my ideas down: awater park and a picnic on the beach). i thought we could stay overnight in a city in 2 seperate rooms but that is not appropriate either. it frustrates me that we can't do these things and i don't know what to do now, when he comes. i'm freaked out about what to wear and what we CAN do together.

Haha...boy this sounds familiar. I want my guy to stay at my house in the guest room too actually. Sadly, I live at my parents' house still and my mum won't allow it. My dad is ok with it, and he's trying to talk to her...

but the thing is practicality sometimes has to take the place of modesty. Plus, I definitely don't see the problem with 2 rooms in a hotel.

4.boughts of silence
when he gets upset at any of the issues he will ignore me anywhere from 6 hrs - 2days. meaning he won't answer my emails. i can't call since that channel has never been familiarized.

THAT is what destroyed my friend's relationship. What he's doing right there. She was a hide inside herself kind of person, and he was a let's talk about it and get it in the open. Not so much that both ways aren't valid, but the conflict of the two methods caused the problem.

@ robalan - before I launch at you about considering others' feelings, which I almost did, what reasons did you have for ignoring her?

i don't think it's healthy that we fight and i don't want to fight. maybe we should go to couples therapy? but that would mean actually seeing him and we haven't even met! and so much is riding on meeting him, i don't know if he's physically attracted to me and i want him to have a great time here and i have no idea what we'll do. and the most i'll ever see him is once a month!
i guess it's a little different for the subject of the post to post on here, but eh. thanks for all of the advice. this is definitley a hard relationship. the communication barrier is the most frustrating.

One more question...why were you arguing about bikinis? If it's what I think it is, yall may have a different view of sex and modesty in general...I see that posing a very large problem



robalan...it's really hard to see your point of view because feesha was very specific. Can you do the same?

 

[robalan]

Then I'll pose this question to robalan...why don't you want her to visit you?

I do want her to visit me. We are planning on alternating each time after the first--assuming all goes well and we'd like to continue.

I think this worries me the most. For an LDR to work really well, communication is the most important thing. Like it needs to happen, because really it's all you guys have right now. Emails are ok, but definitely not the best. MSN messenger is what we use, cause it has a webcam feature so we see each other and talk every day.

Yes, I understand this. I know why she feels this way. I guess I'm just a typical guy. I like talking in person, but not on phones. Phones are kind of not my thing. But it wasn't until a few months ago that we started talking on the phone anyway. And now we seem to talk at least every other weekend.

Haha...boy this sounds familiar. I want my guy to stay at my house in the guest room too actually. Sadly, I live at my parents' house still and my mum won't allow it. My dad is ok with it, and he's trying to talk to her...

but the thing is practicality sometimes has to take the place of modesty. Plus, I definitely don't see the problem with 2 rooms in a hotel.

When I said I didn't want to stay in two separate hotel rooms, I was kind of flirting with her. Meaning that it would drive me crazy to know that she was in the other room. But I guess she took it the wrong way and thought that I didn't want to be near her.

@ robalan - before I launch at you about considering others' feelings, which I almost did, what reasons did you have for ignoring her?

I ignore her sometimes because I feel like she is either disrespecting me or getting tempramental with me. She is known, on occasion, to let her words get ahead of herself. Sometimes she says things that really make me want to pull away.

One more question...why were you arguing about bikinis? If it's what I think it is, yall may have a different view of sex and modesty in general...I see that posing a very large problem

Yes, I would prefer her to not wear bikinis. But she has repeatedly told me that it's her personal choice and that she will continue to wear them.

robalan...it's really hard to see your point of view because feesha was very specific. Can you do the same?

I hope that answers your questions. Thanks for helping us out.

 

[none the wiser]

It does I'm glad you answered, that clears some stuff up.

Yes, I understand this. I know why she feels this way. I guess I'm just a typical guy. I like talking in person, but not on phones. Phones are kind of not my thing. But it wasn't until a few months ago that we started talking on the phone anyway. And now we seem to talk at least every other weekend.

lol. I'm totally not comfortable on phones either, not really a fan of talking on em. I think yall would both love msn or yahoo...get a pair of webcams, that's what we did. We used the phone once or twice before meeting. Now, we call a few times a week, and he is gonna try and get a phone plan so we can talk every day. Neither one of us is a fan of the phone, but it's so nice to hear each other's voices. We talk every day on msn, and sometimes again on the phone....for an hour or two! Longest convo I've ever had....him too haha.

I guess my point is, this may change. For right now, since you met online, I'd say stick to a messenger service. Try the phone later after yall meet.

I ignore her sometimes because I feel like she is either disrespecting me or getting tempramental with me. She is known, on occasion, to let her words get ahead of herself. Sometimes she says things that really make me want to pull away.

Do you tell her when this happens? Communication is so important...like again, drawing from my own experience, my boyfriend and I will not leave until we've settled anything bad between us. We're both "do not let the sun go down on anger" people I guess, it really tears up both of us when we're fighting. Sometimes I haveta drag it out of him though, cause he doesn't like to bring up things.

Yes, I would prefer her to not wear bikinis. But she has repeatedly told me that it's her personal choice and that she will continue to wear them.

See there's two ways to look at this. On one hand, she is under no obligation to do what you say, but I think you see that so no worries On the other hand, she could wear something other than a bikini cause she cares about you. So about that, idk what to say really.

Reading these posts, I'd say three things. You two need to talk more...anything besides email. lol. Two, wait to see what changes after yall meet, cause things will, for the better or for the worse. And three...not sure how to put three, other than kiss and make up. lol. Talk about it, and try to work things out...the way you handle conflicts now is very reflective of how you handle them in real life. Letters and emails tend to go for an "I think, I feel, you need to" kind of thing, but if you talk on messenger or on the phone it's more of a dialogue yknow? You can work to work things out together, as opposed to bouncing ideas off each other like in emails. I hope these things help a little

 

[Leanna]

robalan, I think you need to see how you interact in person. It is really easy to get into fights long distance, there's so much strain. If it goes well I would suggest living close together for a time to see how that goes as well.... one of you will have to move.

 

[Chan1976]

robalan, I think you need to see how you interact in person. It is really easy to get into fights long distance, there's so much strain. If it goes well I would suggest living close together for a time to see how that goes as well.... one of you will have to move.

That is true, and I recommend that too. I was in a LDR for a year (we met up 3 times briefly during that time, about 1.5 weeks each), and arguments were hard because misunderstandings tend to occur when you cannot see the other person's facial expressions / body language when you are arguing over the phone, not to mention that you couldn't give the other person a hug when you make up. I moved close to my fiance after a year, and while we still have arguments, I think it is necessary if you want to take the relationship to the next level (i.e. engagement and marriage).

 

[robalan]

That is true, and I recommend that too. I was in a LDR for a year (we met up 3 times briefly during that time, about 1.5 weeks each), and arguments were hard because misunderstandings tend to occur when you cannot see the other person's facial expressions / body language when you are arguing over the phone, not to mention that you couldn't give the other person a hug when you make up. I moved close to my fiance after a year, and while we still have arguments, I think it is necessary if you want to take the relationship to the next level (i.e. engagement and marriage).

Seika,

Are you still with this person? Is this person you met online your fiance?

(BTW, thanks to everyone for your input and advice--particularly "none the wiser".)