Argument

KinderBee · Dec 7, 2005

Don't make it about him - his name of course means something to you. But you don't want to take it. It's not that you don't care about his name, or that you don't like his name, but rather, you want to keep your name. If he feels you keeping your last name is a negative action caused by your hate for his last name, he will be upset.

I think the best thing to do is to sit down with him and really explain why you are keeping your last name. Ensure he knows it's not because you don't like his, but rather it's something you want to do for yourself. There's nothing wrong with keeping your last name, but you need to ensure he knows why. Then he can understand that it's not a negative thing (ie. not taking his name) but rather a positive thing (ie. keeping your name).

Does that make sense?

I will try that.

Inperfected · Dec 7, 2005

Marriage is about compromise, like it or lump it...

In some ways this is a no win situation, and you have to be certain your not just being stubborn and stick to your decision for the sake of the reasons. Talk with him about ALL possibilities, not only you keeping it, because this is a LIFETIME decision and will affect decisions made down the road..

Compromise is two way, make sur eyou aren't forcing your way on him.

bumblebee62331 · Dec 8, 2005

Blue Impulse said:
If you can't figure something like this out, your relationship is doomed from the start. This is not going to be the worst of your problems in life..
~ ~

I totally agree with this.

KinderBee · Dec 8, 2005

What if I kept my maiden name and used it in formal situations and used his name socially ? Would that be too confusing?

bumblebee62331 · Dec 8, 2005

KinderBee said:
What if I kept my maiden name and used it in formal situations and used his name socially ? Would that be too confusing?

Oh that would be very confusing. Take it from someone who uses "Katherine" in formal occasions and "Kate" socially. Very very confusing. Even I'm not sure which one to use sometimes! Then people start calling you the different one and someone else gets confused etc etc

I think the best thing is to pick one and stick with it. But it's up to you and your fiance to discuss which one and make sure that you are both absolutely happy with it! Otherwise, I'm afraid to say I think this "problem" will continue on past the wedding, perhaps under the surface at first, but it will come out. If the past behaviour is anything to go by, you can see that he might keep quiet about it, then a year after your wedding, it comes out. By then it's too late to change. Well, it's not...but you will have already married him and kept your maiden name.

I really think a good discussion is needed

Babymine · Dec 8, 2005

I would hyphenate my name, consider that his name is as important to him as yours is to you. Would he consider taking on your moms last name too, making a whole new last name for the both of you?

Mr and Mrs Mothers Maiden-Husbands last?

It's drastic, but Ive seen it done.

KinderBee · Dec 8, 2005

Honestly If i am always going to be referred to by his last name then I may as well drop my maiden name . The only way I will hyphenate my name is if my surname comes last and I am referred to by that name.

Babymine · Dec 8, 2005

oh, ok

Maeyken · Dec 8, 2005

I think one important thing for you to remember is that there will ALWAYS be some people who insist on calling you by your husband's last name once you are married. My friend recently got married, and has kept her last name, and has gotten very upset when people have called her by her husband's last name. The thing is, you can tell people till you're blue in the face, but there will always be people who will call you by your husband's name, and getting upset about it is a wasted effort. Just something to keep in mind.

Niels · Dec 8, 2005

I can't tell you what to do but, as a man, I can offer what my subjective reactions might be and why. Please bear in mind that these are just personal opinion based on a generalized situation, and I don't have sufficient background to draw any real conclusions about your situation.

If she strongly objected to changing her last name:

1) I'd wonder if she was already anticipating divorce. Divorced women tend to revert to their maiden names after the divorce... so not changing it to begin with would certainly simplify things if it happens.

2) It would cast some doubt on her level of commitment to family (that is, if she even wants kids). A family usually goes by one last name, kind of like a team. Keeping a different name from the rest of us would send signals to me that she doesn't want to be a part of it.

3) In life there are many battles to be fought, and to pick this one would cast some doubt as to the compatibility of our priorities.

That said, I am not him, and I don't really know you. Your situation may be very different than the impression that I've gotten thus far, but these are just a few things that would probably cross my mind if I found myself in a similar situation.

KinderBee · Dec 8, 2005

I hate the fact that some people feel that if you dont take your husbands name you are not as commited. Our love for each other unites us not whether we have the same last name or not. It's very silly to say that the only way to respect and commit yourself to the marriage is by changing your last name. I hate the peer pressure factor of it of and the fact that I am expected to smile and drop my name that I love for a name that he has even said himself he doesnt like a lot considering he can't stand his family. The children would have his name considering he already has a son and I would not want him to feel left out. If it was that big a deal I would change my last name if the kids had a hard time with it but i seriously doubt something as same as that will upset them.Once again I will say that it may be just a silly little battle to some But it Means a lot to me so please dont belittle how i feel .

freedom4all · Dec 8, 2005

KinderBee said:
But it Means a lot to me so please dont belittle how i feel .

Do you think you will always feel the way you do now? Is it at all possible that you would change your mind about your name in the future, as time passes? Do you feel that you would be dishonoring your mother in some way, by changing your name?

KinderBee · Dec 8, 2005

I have wanted to keep my name for a very long time and he has know this from day one. I feel pressured to change my name but honestly I will resent him if it comes down to that. I am putting off talking about it more until later so I can deal with some other stuff and give myself down to cool down on the subject.

Babymine · Dec 8, 2005

mrkguy75 said:
1) I'd wonder if she was already anticipating divorce. Divorced women tend to revert to their maiden names after the divorce... so not changing it to begin with would certainly simplify things if it happens.

So what do you make of women who keep their husband's last name after a divorce? That she couldnt let go?
What would you suggest she sign her name as? "The former Mrs. Whatever..."
What should a woman do if by some unfortunate sweep a divorce takes place. Should she sign her last name with an X?

Im just so surprised at this thought. Unbelievable to me.

Inperfected · Dec 8, 2005

The above post isn't the point, he was stating his opinion.

Honestly, you need to compromise... It's not going to be a one way street and it never will be. You can change his childs last name... i had a friend that at 13 had that happen.

In this case i'd say hyphenation is the best idea.

bumblebee62331 · Dec 8, 2005

KinderBee said:
I have wanted to keep my name for a very long time and he has know this from day one. I feel pressured to change my name but honestly I will resent him if it comes down to that. I am putting off talking about it more until later so I can deal with some other stuff and give myself down to cool down on the subject.

Just don't put it off for too long...

I'm sorry you feel people are attacking you - it's very hard because a lot of people have different viewpoints. It's something for you and your fiance to discuss. We can tell you what we would do, and suggest things that you can do, but we can't assume to know you, your fiance, your feelings, or your reasons for keeping your maiden name.

I don't think that keeping a maiden name is because you are thinking of divorce, or that it makes you any less devoted or in love with your fiance. That's just rubbish, sorry. This is the year 2005 - many women keep their last names, all for different reasons.

But I do agree that you and your fiance have to be satisfied with the arrangement, way before the wedding. You don't want this to be hanging over you as it approaches, nor do you want to rush a decision because of the impending wedding.

I will be praying for you and your fiance, and I hope you two can figure something out soon, so you can concentrate on looking forward to and planning your wedding!

KET20 · Dec 8, 2005

KinderBee said:
I hate the fact that some people feel that if you dont take your husbands name you are not as commited. Our love for each other unites us not whether we have the same last name or not. It's very silly to say that the only way to respect and commit yourself to the marriage is by changing your last name. I hate the peer pressure factor of it of and the fact that I am expected to smile and drop my name that I love for a name that he has even said himself he doesnt like a lot considering he can't stand his family. The children would have his name considering he already has a son and I would not want him to feel left out. If it was that big a deal I would change my last name if the kids had a hard time with it but i seriously doubt something as same as that will upset them.Once again I will say that it may be just a silly little battle to some But it Means a lot to me so please dont belittle how i feel .

I know EXACTLY what you mean here. I talk about not wanting to change my last name when I get married and people just assume I am anticipating a divorce or it says I don't love him or I am not devoted to him or something else equally foolish. I don't think your kids would have a problem with it either... my mother didn't change her name or hyphenate it or anything. My sister and I never thought much about it. I think I told her once she should have given us her last name instead of my dad's, just because it's prettier, but that's it. We didn't care at all. The guy that I date now and I have had a couple conversations just tossing this around in an "if we ever get married...." sort of way. I have told him on numerous occasions that I will never, and I mean NEVER change my last name (I do think his is cool though ). He just asks me why and I explain my reasons for it. He thinks it's the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard. I just told him he doesn't have to agree with my reasons or think it's the best idea ever or anything like that, he just has to accept the fact that I'm not going to do it. It seems trivial to him but it's a HUGE deal to me. All he has to do is respect the fact that it's a major thing to me and not pitch a fit about my not changing my name, should we ever get married. He has said he ultimately doesn't care if I do or not, he just thinks it's silly not to change it. As for you and your fiance - just make sure he know's it's not something you're doing to him (as in "I don't like your last name so I'm not changing mine" or whatever), but rather something you are doing for you (as in - "my mom's name means alot to me so I don't want to change my last name"). Does that make sense? I hope so... Just make sure he knows that keeping your last name says nothing about your love or devotion or whatever, but has everything to do with wanting to honor your mother by keeping your last name. I think that by accepting your decision to keep your last name (even if he thinks it's silly), he would be showing an enormous amount of love and respect for you.

Niels · Dec 8, 2005

Babymine said:
So what do you make of women who keep their husband's last name after a divorce? That she couldnt let go?
What would you suggest she sign her name as? "The former Mrs. Whatever..."
What should a woman do if by some unfortunate sweep a divorce takes place. Should she sign her last name with an X?

What? *is confused*

I'm saying if she strongly protested taking her husband's name in marriage, it might come across as "Why bother to take his name, if the marriage is only going to be temporary anyway". Some people read similar things into to pre-nups. As in "My fiance demands we get a pre-nup... should I be concerned?" This is open to interpretation, of course.

bumblebee62331 · Dec 8, 2005

mrkguy75, I think Babymine was referring to this statement:

mrkguy75 said:
Divorced women tend to revert to their maiden names after the divorce... so not changing it to begin with would certainly simplify things if it happens.

Niels · Dec 8, 2005

Byootaful said:
mrkguy75, I think Babymine was referring to this statement:

"Divorced women tend to revert to their maiden names after the divorce... so not changing it to begin with would certainly simplify things if it happens."

I get that part...

Which is why I began with "I'd wonder if she was already anticipating divorce." ... as in:

"1) I'd wonder if she was already anticipating divorce. Divorced women tend to revert to their maiden names after the divorce... so not changing it to begin with would certainly simplify things if it happens."

Translation: It might make me a little suspicious that she may not see the marriage as a long-term commitment. If a woman has shady intentions from the get-go, I can imagine that she might not want the hassle of taking her husband's name... as if she already anticipates reversing such a change.

Sorry if I've caused any confusion. Again, let me reiterate that I don't know the whole picture, and am only offering what my gut reaction might be.

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