Argument

KinderBee · Dec 5, 2005

I told my fiance a long time ago that I was not changing my last name when we became married and that it was not up for debate and he seemed fine with it . Now All of a sudden he is totally agaisnt it. I think I hurt his feelings a lot when I said his last name means nothing to me.How can we work through these arguments about small things when both people do not want to back down?

KinderBee · Dec 5, 2005

We have talked about the reason we feel the way we do .I had a very close relationship with my mother who died when I was fairly young and my last name is currently her maiden name. My fiance had a differnt last name then his mother growing up and he hated it.He feels that either the woman should take the man's last name, or the man should take the woman's..
He doesn't think that having a family with different last names is bad or something to be ashamed of, but also thinks it is preferable to have a family with the same last name. He feels that I am living in the past and my mothers last name means more to me then securing my future with his last name. He basically has said he feels that I am an amazing woman and that he's stronger for having loved so deeply and truly caring about a woman as much as he does for me and I hold a place in his life that noone will replace but he wonders whether we are truly meant for each other. I really do love him and I don't mean to hurt him. I dont want to make him feel that my mother's name is more important which i know i have but it still hurts to think of loseing my mothers last name.

Athene · Dec 5, 2005

Is he willing to take your last name?

Mr.Cheese · Dec 5, 2005

He wonders?

Maybe you should give that some thought. Two people falling deeply in love has nothing to do with whether or not they should marry. Maybe this issue with last names indicates that someone is getting some red flags somewhere.

I never wondered for a second if I was doing the right thing.

Amy47 · Dec 5, 2005

Mr.Cheese said:
He wonders?

Maybe you should give that some thought. Two people falling deeply in love has nothing to do with whether or not they should marry. Maybe this issue with last names indicates that someone is getting some red flags somewhere.

I never wondered for a second if I was doing the right thing.

Good point I mean everything happens for a reason, everything is a part of Gods plan.

findinghope06 · Dec 5, 2005

Amy47 said:
Good point I mean everything happens for a reason, everything is a part of Gods plan.

i would definitly get to the root of the problem and ill be praying you guys get through this. look to the Lord and trust Him with everything

MN John · Dec 5, 2005

His objection that you are holding more to the past than the future reminds me of the "leave and cleave" passage in the Bible.

I had no assumptions regarding what my S.O. would do with her name when we marry ... but I felt deeply honored when she said that she wanted to change it to mine.

gracefaith · Dec 5, 2005

Actually, I think him saying that you're 'holding onto the past,' when your mother is dead has nothing to do with the 'leave and cleave' passage. It's just horribly insensitive.

Assuming this is all salvagable, may I suggest a hyphenated or double last name? I kept my maiden name and added my husband's without a hyphen. That way people can say "Mr. and Mrs. B-" but on all legal and professional documents, I'm Grace E- B-. Maybe you can suggest it as a compromise.

FaithfulServant · Dec 5, 2005

My fiance and I had to talk about this also, because my last name is AWESOME. When people found out we were getting married they said things like "If I had a last name like _______, I'd want to keep it!". My last name has always gotten me lots of attention and it reminds me of my heritage.

But, I know how important it is to him and in the long run arguing about something like this is truly insignificant. Therefore, we decided I wil take my last name as my 2nd middle name. It will never really show up on documents often and no one else is really going to hear it, but I'll know its there. His last name is bland in comparison but I am excited all the same!!! I'm already practicing my signature

Leanna · Dec 5, 2005

I agree, a hyphenated name might be a good compromise... marriage is all about compromise. Just be sure to discuss what name your kids will be getting also. You guys have to learn to compromise, and neither of you always get to win.

Inperfected · Dec 5, 2005

That's another option... wat about your as a middle name, either an extra, or to replace your middle name.

erin74 · Dec 5, 2005

Leanna said:
I agree, a hyphenated name might be a good compromise... marriage is all about compromise. Just be sure to discuss what name your kids will be getting also. You guys have to learn to compromise, and neither of you always get to win.

Yeah I was wondering about kids names too. I know that quite a few surnames can be used as first names, and certainly know a lot of people who have mothers maiden names and the likes as their first or middle name.

sculpturegirl · Dec 5, 2005

I think gracef offers a good solution. I have done the same thing as she and thus far it is working well.

ChildOfGod20 · Dec 5, 2005

i think it's a good idea for the husband and wife to have the same last name. i agree that hyphenated names are good. maybe you could combine both of your last names (ex. johnson-miller) and that way you'll both keep your original names, and you'll both have the same last name. my mom is going through a problem like this too. she doesn't want to take her fiance's last name cause it's an EXTREMELY weird last name. so she's taking his middle name instead.

KET20 · Dec 6, 2005

Hmmm... I am the same way as you, I will never ever change my last name and I have told several people that it's not up for discussion. Though different from yours, I have my reasons as well. I have thought of hyphenating it or adding his name in addition to mine (making mine a second middle name), but I honestly don't think I will do either of those things. I think in your position, you should tell him why (again) it's so important to you to keep your last name. It doesn't have to be of the same importance to him, he just needs to accept that it's important to you. Also, assure him and make sure he knows that not taking his last name has nothing to do with him or your love for him, but that it's about you and what's important to you (having your mother's name). Make sure he knows you don't love him any less, you just want your mother's name.

sculpturegirl · Dec 7, 2005

One of my neighbors has kept her last name, but now she has a child and he has her husband's name. She said that she doesn' like that her son has a different name than she, and probably would've done things differently.

~Beauty_from_Pain~ · Dec 7, 2005

What you said to him about his last name not meaning anything...that was very disrespectful of you and I am sure that you hurt him a lot. Many guys like the thought of having that special someone take their last name. I for one, would love to have my future spouces last name.

Why do you not want to change your name for? I really love my last name, and although I would be sad to give it up...I will give it up gladly to have my husband's last name..no matter what his last name was!

bumblebee62331 · Dec 7, 2005

KinderBee said:
I told my fiance a long time ago that I was not changing my last name when we became married and that it was not up for debate and he seemed fine with it . Now All of a sudden he is totally agaisnt it. I think I hurt his feelings a lot when I said his last name means nothing to me.How can we work through these arguments about small things when both people do not want to back down?

I think perhaps he was fine with it when you first mentioned it because the wedding was a long way off and he might have even thought that you would change your mind. However, now that you haven't changed your mind yet, he might be freaking out a little bit, realising that you are serious.

Don't make it about him - his name of course means something to you. But you don't want to take it. It's not that you don't care about his name, or that you don't like his name, but rather, you want to keep your name. If he feels you keeping your last name is a negative action caused by your hate for his last name, he will be upset.

I think the best thing to do is to sit down with him and really explain why you are keeping your last name. Ensure he knows it's not because you don't like his, but rather it's something you want to do for yourself. There's nothing wrong with keeping your last name, but you need to ensure he knows why. Then he can understand that it's not a negative thing (ie. not taking his name) but rather a positive thing (ie. keeping your name).

Does that make sense?

KinderBee · Dec 7, 2005

...that was very disrespectful of you and I am sure that you hurt him a lot.

Yes, and him telling me to leave the past behind and ignore my feelings about having my mother's last name also was very disrespectful. I am not the only who has said painful stuff so please don't go there. I am not trying to ignore his feelings but I wish he would have said something a lot sooner... we had a very long conversation about this when we were just dating and I told him having my mother's last name means the world to me and I did not want to change it. I asked him how he felt about it so i would know before we got more serious and he said he understood and he didnt mind me keeping my last name. He still won't tell me why he was okay with it back then and now it's all of a sudden disrectful If i don't want his last name.This whole argument is takeing up time that we needed to talk about something else that is very serious and that I really need him there for.

KinderBee · Dec 7, 2005

I think perhaps he was fine with it when you first mentioned it because the wedding was a long way off and he might have even thought that you would change your mind.

Yea, that could have a lot to do with it.

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