Are We Wrong As Parents?

[eternal_love]

Here's a little background information on our situation. My husband has a son with his ex-girlfriend. She left him when she found out she was pregnant. I came into my hubby's life shortly afterward and we got engaged. Before the baby was born, the mother popped back into the picture wanting him to be a part of the baby's life. When the child was an infant, we came to see him several times, but everytime we did the mother caused a lot of drama. She even made false accusations about us accusing her of child abuse...which we certainly did not. She initially promised that we would have regular unsupervised visitations with the child once he was a year old, but that didn't happen. We were only allowed to see him with supervision, and after more and more drama occurred, we finally decided to stop the visitations altogether. We were not getting to see him enough anyway...he didn't even know us and cried when we tried to have anything to do with him. The drama continued. In fact, the drama she has caused and the lies she has told in the past have even pitted me and my husband against one another (which I believe was intentional in an attempt to split up our marriage). We've nearly succumbed to divorce a few times. Since then we've told her we are only willing to see the child without supervision because we want to protect our marriage and we are tired of the drama and the lies. But she has refused to do that...requiring supervised visits only. The child is now nearly 4 years old. We've considered taking her to court (we've paid child support since he was born) but unfortunately lawyers are expensive and we don't make much money. We are now pregnant with our own child and suddenly my step-son's mother has offered to allow us to have him unsupervised. However, we are very suspicious. We don't trust this woman (and have good reasons for not doing so). We would love to have him in our lives but we are scared to. We are afraid she may end up falsely accusing us of abuse or neglect. (She admitted someone reported her to DHS, and hinted that she thought it could have been us...which it wasn't). Those false accusations could not only get us in legal trouble and stop us from ever having any contact with the child, but DHS could end up taking OUR child away as well! That's not a risk I'm willing to take. We've considered just having a long distance relationship with the child via letters and gifts and photos (and phone calls once he is old enough) AT LEAST until he is of age to testify for himself. The mother has agreed to that. But I feel bad cuz I know we have a responsibility to this child, but we also have a responsibility to our own child and I don't want to take a chance at losing him/her too. I've fought hard to be a mother (inlcuding a former miscarriage and pregnancy complications). I know people can change but it was not even 9 months ago she was telling family members blatant lies against us. Proverbs 27: 12 says "Sensible people will see trouble coming and avoid it, but an unthinking person will walk right into it and regret it later." It would be foolish to trust her...and may even put our other child at risk too. But we would be neglecting our responsiblity to that child by not "bringing him up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." Is our plan to maintain only a long-distance relationship with him wrong on our part? I could really use some advice.

 

[Pal Handy]

Prayer is power...
I assume you and your husband are Christians...

Is your stepchilds mother a Christian?

The battle is not between you and this woman but between the devil
and you because he is the one who is manipulating this situation.

The Bible says that we wrestle not with flesh and blood...

So...what are your weapons to kick the devil out and to see God's
hand in your life and the life of this mother and your step son?

Forgiveness and prayer.

Forgive this woman....
take her to the Lord and tell the Lord you release her and all her sins and
wrong she has done to you and your husband and that you hold nothing
against her and then ask the Lord to come into her life and to begin
the work of redemption in her life.

Have you every shared the love of Christ with her?

If not ask God to give you an opportunity to tell her
that Jesus loves her and that because Jesus has forgiven
you of all your sins, you can now bless her and love her
as Christ loves you.

Every bit of yourself will rise up against this advice if you have not yet
learned the power we have to forgive others and to release our rights
for self vindication and allow God's hand's to be untied and
to give Him permission to change our circumstances.

God will take us off the ropes and put us on the offense with the weapons
that God has given us to destroy the works of the devil in the lives of others
and ourselves if we will forgive others as He has forgiven us.

Forgive her....
Christ has forgiven you so how can you hold anything against anyone?

Pray for her and ask God to open her eyes to His salvation in Jesus Christ.

Love her by sharing your faith in the only one who trully loves
her with an everlasting and pure love.

I hope you will begin to see that the real enemy is the one
that has controlled her life and has brought fear and manipulation
into it that is now effecting you and your husbands relationship
in an effort to destroy your lives.
I hope you see that Jesus loves her and you and wants to destroy the devils
plan and make her your sister in the Lord instead of your enemy.

Don't run away but stand firm in the weapons God has given you
to tear down the devils strong holds and God will move and change
the situation.

 

[Bella Vita]

It will be a hard road these situations always are. But you do need to be in that child's life. Obviously if the mother is getting child services called on her even if not by you she is not taking care of him the way she should. The child might have a terrible home life and coming to your house is the only rest he gets. I would suggest getting a good lawyer just in case and recording everything that happens starting now make diary accounts of every phone call or nasty word so that if the time comes to defend yourselves you will be prepared. I would try to stay in the kids life as much as possible take him to church and try to give him the lord morals/values whatever you can it may not seem like much but every little bit helps. And like you said being a good influence on him does matter one day when he is older he will thank you for it or even decide to live with his dad when he has a say.

 

[LilLamb219]

You have said the child barely knows you. Do NOT take the child unsupervised!! At the age of 4, that could be really scary If you are going to watch the child, why not do it in a public place where you have plenty of witnesses?

 

[wpage]

That was a long paragraph!

Pray for help...

Read the Bible for wisdom.

 

[JordanDaniel]

I say allow the kid to be mainly raised by the ex girlfriend...She gave birth to him if Im correct. You have your own baby to take care of. Her false accusations will be brought up in front of Jesus on judgement day.
"We were not getting to see him enough anyway...he didn't even know us and cried when we tried to have anything to do with him."...Let him grow and mature a little more. Its a pretty unstable age, especially with an unstable, unhonest mother. Keep the child strong in your prayers and trust in Jesus. Once he is older have the kid hang with your husband and he can tell him all he needs to know... Stay strong willed......the rapture is near and we are almost out of here.

 

[citizenthom]

Take it to court. A court order for regular visitation is the only thing that will help this issue, in the short term and, more importantly, in the long term. The vast majority of people who go to family court for custody issues go unrepresented; just be organized and clear about what you want and respectful to the judge and you'll be in the top 10% of parents he has to deal with.

 

[Angelfrog]

Oh hon- what a situation!
I applaud you for wanting to do the right thing for your husband's child.
I also completely understand your worries for your own child.

May I ask what the objection is that you both have to supervised visits? I can understand that the idea of feeling you need to be supervised is humiliating- I'd hate that- but under these circumstances, I'd be tempted to say suck it up and stick with it.
That way you get to see your stepson/ husband's son but without giving his mother any leeway to cry wolf and put your own baby in a horrible situation. As you say- you have a responsibility to both children and must find the best compromise that keeps them both safe from lies and trauma.

Things may change over time- and I'd certainly be praying for such a change- but the verse 'wise as serpents and gentle as doves' springs to mind here.

Once you can be completely sure that there are no ulterior motives then things can be renegotiated.

It's important to keep that contact with the lad, as you're well aware. That little boy will one day be very grateful that you were supportive of his father's desire to take responsibility and see him.

 

[heron]

Do NOT take the child unsupervised!!

If the mother is so full of lies and suddenly allowed you unsupervised visits, she might have schemed up a new way to incriminate you. If you have no witness to your actions, she can claim anything. Stay in public places.

Try to get grandparents or other relatives involved, so the son is with familiar people and these people can vouch for you.

Has it crossed your mind that, since the court was not involved, she might even be scamming a few men with claims of fatherhood? Just a thought.

the verse 'wise as serpents and gentle as doves' springs to mind here.

Another thing to keep in mind -- there might have been conversations between this woman and your husband that you might have missed (the false accusation). It is energizing to have a bond against a common enemy, but make sure you are getting the whole truth.

The vast majority of people who go to family court for custody issues go unrepresented; just be organized and clear about what you want and respectful to the judge and you'll be in the top 10% of parents he has to deal with.

Useful tip.

I would suggest getting a good lawyer just in case and recording everything that happens starting now make diary accounts of every phone call or nasty word so that if the time comes to defend yourselves you will be prepared. ...being a good influence on him does matter one day when he is older he will thank you for it

Time will pass quickly, and you will wish that the mother's lying was not such a strong influence in his environment. Kids pick up the behavior they see around them.

Prayer is power...the real enemy is the one that has controlled her life...stand firm in the weapons God has given you to tear down the devils strong holds and God will move and change the situation.

Lord, bring this son into a healthy environment where he can grow up in honesty, love, provision and comfort. Give EL and her husband wisdom in how to handle the situation. And bless their own baby!

 

[citizenthom]

To clarify what I said above: it's not that you shouldn't get a lawyer if you can afford one. It's just that not being able to afford one is not a barrier to going to court.