Are my efforts hopeless?

[kanga22]

Dh stopped by today while unexpectedly driving through town. We had an incredible time together (kids were at school). Afterward, he told me that he was thinking of listing himself as "single" instead of "married" on myspace.com in hopes of attracting more attention. I told him that I don't think that would help our current marriage struggles. He will probably do it anyway. I feel like all my effort is a waste of time when he follows through with ideas like this. My solution tonight was to buy a bottle of wine so I can really wallow in my own little pity party.

I don't get it. He tells me that I am the best looking woman he can find. If I do say so myself, I am very good looking for my age. He even tells me that I get better looking every year.

He has told me things he would like me to do differently. I know that I am doing all those things. Yet, he still feels the need to get affection from other women. I just can't win!

 

[okiemommy26]

He needs to learn he can not have his cake and eat it too.

All I can say is pray and pray some more.

 

[kanga22]

That's what I told him a couple of weeks ago! I said, "you want your cake and eat it too". He just got defensive, probably because he knew I was right. He thinks that if he actually had a physical affair that I would still be here waiting for him. I honestly don't know what I would do if that happened.

 

[kanga22]

DH called tonight to say what a great time he had today. I said that I did too until he mentioned his idea to lie to his cyberfriends at my expense. He seemed to finally understand my concern and said he wouldn't do it. Hopefully, at least this issue is resolved for now.

I just wonder how much I can trust him anymore.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Hurting for you, Kanga. Praying too.

 

[KJVisTruth]

That's what I told him a couple of weeks ago! I said, "you want your cake and eat it too". He just got defensive, probably because he knew I was right. He thinks that if he actually had a physical affair that I would still be here waiting for him. I honestly don't know what I would do if that happened.

Is he really worth all the pain and more if it actually happened?

 

[mimi4him]

HMmm , Im thinking he is playing mine games with you to see how much he can get by with and still have you waiting for him .
He is having his cake and eating it too.
Stop letting him be in charge of your relationship. If He truly wants you ,im talking full commitment then have him prove it . I know when my husband first left he told me he still loved me and it wasnt even a month and he had girlfriend and was still telling me he loved me but was confused . I was going along believing him untill i went to his apt todiscuss bills ( only cause he wouldnt asnwer phone) And there he was with her and he told me not to ruin this for him. That was it I decided then its time to close the door to this 27 yr marriage and let him live in sin .
My self esteem has increased adn Im thinking of opening up a Childcare center outside of home ( i always wanted too , but he always said no )
I know its hard and your emotions are running wild . You can do this and be stronger for it
blessings
carol

 

[kanga22]

I feel like a beaten up doormat with the word IDIOT written across it.

mimi4him posted: "If He truly wants you ,im talking full commitment then have him prove it"

That's just it. He admits that he doesn't know if he still wants me. That's why he is looking elsewhere. He says that he wants our family to stay together, but is bored, frustrated, and unhappy in our marriage. He admits that he is confused and is willing to be selfish while he's figuring it out. I don't want to lose him. Right now I feel like I'm the one who has to prove how much I want him.

I don't know if dh is worth the pain that he is causing me (in the name of his happiness). But, I'm fighting for our children, family unit and the man I've been with for twenty years. His mind has turned down some kind of midlife crisis path. He is not being led by God or seeking His guidance, obviously. I will continue to ask the Lord what He would have me do. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

 

[KJVisTruth]

I feel like a beat up doormat with the word IDIOT written across it.

I don't know if dh is worth the pain that he is causing me (in the name of his happiness). But, I'm fighting for our children, family unit and the man I've been with for twenty years. His mind has turned down some kind of midlife crises path. He is not being led by God or seeking His guidance, obviously. I will continue to ask the Lord what He would have me do. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

I totally can relate, I have been in your shoes. Speaking from experience, as long as he keeps doing it, the pain will not get easier or more bearable. I have tried everything in the book and nothing worked, my ex husband just kept on "having his cake and eat it." Its not going to work out unless your guy is really serious and committed... it takes TWO to make it work. Its not all on you. As for your children, theres alot to consider, such as do you want them to witness an unhappy relationship? Its one of the reasons I finally left my marriage, my kids got older and ya know, became aware and nothing has changed for the better. You are in my prayers. Have you ever heard of this saying, A good man will not make you cry?

 

[Canuk]

I'm going to offer a bit of a different perspective...I think your hubby is scared to have the relationship that he really wants with you. He is afraid to 'really' take control of your relationship, and step up and be the man that he is supposed to be. He is afraid of having a truly intimate relationship with you. He probably feels deep down that he doesn't deserve to have this type of relationship. He is attempting to get a response out of someone online, because he is afraid to really try to get a response out of you. (just a thought...take it as you see fit)

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I would agree with Canuk. There is a site called www.healnpd.org. It has a lot of emotional and self-esteem healing resources. It's aimed at those with Narcissistic Personality disorder, but the resources are helpful to anyone with self-esteem issues. Unfortunately, the person who runs does subscribe to some Eastern philosophies, so I have to sift through it to find the gold. It has been really helpful to me, and I'm still active there.

 

[okiemommy26]

Too me he seems like a 3 year old. I have been dealing with 3 year olds all week. They want to see how far they can push you till you push back. He might be like Canuk said though too. He might be afraid to take control.

 

[kanga22]

Thanks, I'll consider the new ideas.

I think dh wants to get a reaction out of me. I'm sure he doesn't respect my doormat behavior. He wants me to show him how hard I'll fight for him. That produces resentment in me. He hides his myspace.com page from me and says he is afraid that I will go after the women he's talking to. But, I also think he'd love to see me get into a psycho cat fight to prove how much I want him. I did that once when we were first married and he cheated on me. He talks about it like it's a fond memory.

I think he is also tired of the pressure of taking care of his family. With his current job, he gets to be out in the world having fun. He likes letting me run the house, raise the kids, solve all the problems, and make all the decisions for a change. The details of our day have become boring to him. He said that sometimes he feels like my father. Maybe I haven't expressed my opinion as much as I should have. I do believe that it's his place as my husband and the head of the house to make the final decision on everything. I just let him make all the decisions for a long time.

AirForce Teacher, thank you for the site. I have registered and will look more into it this weekend.

 

[avilagirl]

How hard you'll "fight" for him? Sorry for being blunt, but why would you fight for such cruel and selfish person?? And why would you give him total control of you and this situation?

 

[kanga22]

How hard you'll "fight" for him? Sorry for being blunt, but why would you fight for such cruel and selfish person?? And why would you give him total control of you and this situation?

Avilagirl, thanks for the ques/concern. I've given the fight for dh to God. It has given me some peace for now. Sometimes I think that letting the Lord handle things and looking like a doormat to dh are one in the same. I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles with how to 'give it to God'.

I've started thinking about the details of going on with my life if my marriage ends in divorce. I am a Christian and dh is not. He is santified through me. Right now I do not think I should be seeking divorce. So I'm waiting on the Lord and planning for my future.