Apathy & resentment have set in :(

[chooseforgivness]

Nearing our 29th anniversary in 2 months, & I'm afraid I have to throw in the towel. Honestly have prayed, meditated, made corrections ,apologized for my errors, forgiven him for his many times, and yet, I feel completely alone in my marriage restoration attempts. As long as my fuse is I think it finally has blown out, I can't or don't want to keep going around this mountain with him. No amount of compromise, love & respect, helpfulness, sacrifice, humbling myself is having any impact what so ever on our relationship. The only benefit I've realized is that I have grown closer to A personal relationship with God. I've learned trust & obey God. I'm still cursed at, blamed for every bad thing, including him catching a cold that is how bizarre it all is. Ridiculed, criticized and dismissed daily, all the while I am working 70+ hour work weeks, paying 95% of household bills, 95% housework, while never ever throwing it in his face in words or buy overt or covert actions. I do not deserve to be treated like a subservient doormat, and disregarded and ridiculed, with zero regard for anything I'm dealing with. The marriage has always been one sided, yet I stayed for the kids, and I stayed hoping this Supposed God fearing man would come around. Reality has set in, either he doesn't care enough about me or our marriage relationship to make it work, or he is purposely trying to push me away. I can't fathom, how this man I've known & loved & catered to for 30+ years could be so dismissive and disregarding? My heart has begun to harden for decades I had hope, it is diminishing rapidly as I approach my 50's I don't think he will ever get it, he doesn't deserve this good wife anymore. I still am seeking God's instruction, and do not plan to rush to divorce or separation, but IF he hinted at it I would surely set us both free!, I'm numb, I'm disappointed, & abandoned for the last time.

 

[LinkH]

Why don't you write a letter to him telling him that.

 

[chooseforgivness]

Thanks for the reply,but I have written him multiple letters over the years all with hopes that I could express myself with out either of getting emotionally charged and perhaps later be able to sit down and discuss and hopefully resolve some things addressed in the letters. I always made sure to word them in such a way not to be attacking his character but speaking a naming the behavior that I was have an problem with or to express the way I felt about a particular situation that I wasn't able to verbalized. In 100% of the letters I've written (which were generally at least 1-2 every year of first 27 years of marriage) not once did those productive discussions take place, most were ignored completely never even acknowledged to have read them. Once he picked very word, phrase apart and jotted notes of what he felt I was REALLY trying to say, which was NOT at all what I was saying. He just always still became defensive if I even asked him had he had a chance to read it & would he be willing to discuss it. His reply would usually be ," talk about what" you said what you had to say & that's it. As I am nearing 50yo it finally dawned on me that if you keep doing the same things you'll keep getting the same result. So I still journal for my on sake but no longer write to him. I do tell him my concerns, attempt to set boundaries on acceptable behaviors toward me , without stating ultimatums or making threats of consequences , but they seem to fall on deaf ears. Thus the statement of me throwing in the towel . It was definitely me venting . But this is the 1st time in nearly 30 years of a double standard marriage where I am losing hope. I've have prayed and tried, and gone to counseling alone, and been faithful, and gainfully employed and non confrontational ,and non -judgemental & the end result is apathy, indifference, ridicule & constant criticism. It's just all futile. I get it now, he is not interested in meeting me in the middle, or compromising or even collaborating ,it is his way or no way. And that is no longer acceptable.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Thanks for the reply,but I have written him multiple letters over the years all with hopes that I could express myself with out either of getting emotionally charged and perhaps later be able to sit down and discuss and hopefully resolve some things addressed in the letters. I always made sure to word them in such a way not to be attacking his character but speaking a naming the behavior that I was have an problem with or to express the way I felt about a particular situation that I wasn't able to verbalized. In 100% of the letters I've written (which were generally at least 1-2 every year of first 27 years of marriage) not once did those productive discussions take place, most were ignored completely never even acknowledged to have read them. Once he picked very word, phrase apart and jotted notes of what he felt I was REALLY trying to say, which was NOT at all what I was saying. He just always still became defensive if I even asked him had he had a chance to read it & would he be willing to discuss it. His reply would usually be ," talk about what" you said what you had to say & that's it. As I am nearing 50yo it finally dawned on me that if you keep doing the same things you'll keep getting the same result. So I still journal for my on sake but no longer write to him. I do tell him my concerns, attempt to set boundaries on acceptable behaviors toward me , without stating ultimatums or making threats of consequences , but they seem to fall on deaf ears. Thus the statement of me throwing in the towel . It was definitely me venting . But this is the 1st time in nearly 30 years of a double standard marriage where I am losing hope. I've have prayed and tried, and gone to counseling alone, and been faithful, and gainfully employed and non confrontational ,and non -judgemental & the end result is apathy, indifference, ridicule & constant criticism. It's just all futile. I get it now, he is not interested in meeting me in the middle, or compromising or even collaborating ,it is his way or no way. And that is no longer acceptable.

In your post, you mention 'setting boundaries', and stating acceptable behavior toward you, but that you have not stated ultimatums or made threats of consequences. I wonder if you perhaps need to be clear what boundaries are. The are essentially where you begin and end and where the other person begins and ends. Sort of like property lines. They mark off 'boundary lines' of responsibility. Boundaries can be tough to navigate, especially when we have to set them for ourselves first. You need to realize, also, that there are two types of boundaries - protective and defining. Protective boundaries are the ones that we set essentially to guard ourselves from the behavior of others. They are not meant to penalize or attack the other person, or to shame them, but to protect ourselves from what can harm us in relationships. Defining boundaries are different in that they essentially 'define' us - our values, who we are, what we desire, our goals, hopes, dreams, etc.

My opinion is that you may need to clarify both of these for yourself first, then in your marriage. It is perfectly okay to set some protective boundaries with your husband while at the same time clarifying these 'defining' boundaries for yourself. Determining whether to continue in your marriage relationship with the 'status-quo' or whether there needs to be definite change can be difficult, but hopefully this helps. These resources may also be helpful:

Boundaries in Marriage: Henry Cloud, John Townsend: 9780310243144: Amazon.com: Books

Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships: John Townsend: 9780310330769: Amazon.com: Books

 

[chooseforgivness]

The first boundary I set & verbalized to him, was that I would no longer allow myself to be cursed at and yelled at in a disrespectful tone , his response was " so what are gonna do about it" "I said I will remove myself from the tirade", he said do you mean you would leave me, I said yes, if needed. He said well go ahead then because I'm not changing. I then replied ok then I'll start making that happen. The next day or so he replied something to the effect that he didn't want our marriage to end, that we needed to talk and set expectations. That conversation was not productive in my mind, but I again was grasping at straws, that at least he made an effort to resolve an issue which ha never happened, but I was hoping he would have apologized and repented for those harsh words all these years. Yet, he seemed more covertly justifying why he acted out in that manner, and talked all around subjects basically making is points, getting tearful for the first time ever I. 20+ years go marriage, so I took that as a first step to true repentance and openness to reconciliation, not only to me but to God for acting that way as a Deacon. Although the cursing has nearly stopped kit is mainly because we rarely talk anymore , business matters only, whenever I say anything almost he begins with that snappy aggravated tone, which I know will be followed with more of the cursing etc due to past experiences, I can see it building from afar off, so I just shut down the conversation right away. Even supposed non confrontational topics were met w/ similar responses, if I commented about just about anything he would take the opposite point of view and appear to try to bait me in, so now we barely talk, & he doesn't seem the least bit interested in why or trying to fix it, he just goes about his life laughing and joking with everyone, and hanging out with his freinds and dismisses my pain, and whenever he gets an opportunity to ridicule or chastise me he takes it and runs with it, so I just keep retreating and tried to turn the other cheek and still say good morning, good night, have a nice day, fix his food, make his plate, cotinue buying things for him like I always have , and no reciprocity at all zilch nada, just plain indifference.

 

[Lazydaisy67]

He's a bully and you're an enabler. Choose to be bullied or choose to leave. I wouldn't wait until you get into some kind of confrontation, just start packing. He doesn't take you or your ultimatums seriously because you're not following through with them. Never make a threat you are not prepared to follow through with.
Before you leave, you should cose any bank account that he may have access to. You DO NOT want him to use money to manipulate you back. If you work 70 hours a week, put it away in an account he cannot touch. Don't pay any bills, you are not his sugar mama.
Find a place to live and don't tell him where it is. Sometimes when the verbally abusive guys figure out that you've actually got the NERVE to leave them they can become physically abusive.
I don't know you, but it sounds like you've done everything humanly possible to make things right. It just aint gonna happen. Now you have to leave him to himself, take your hands off the reins and let God deal with him in God's way. It's not your job to change him, it's God's. You've got to be willing to LET God do His job and sometimes that means stepping out of the picture for a while. I think you're going to be ok. Make a plan, get some supportive friends to help you and go to a Christian counselor.

 

[danr62]

As much as I hate to say it, I have to agree with lazydaisy. It's time to turn your marriage over to God and stop trying to fix things that you can't fix. If you stay, you'll just end up being trampled on.

I suggest leaving, but continuing to pray and trust God to bring your husband around in God's own way and time.

 

[Puffinstuff]

so I just keep retreating and tried to turn the other cheek and still say good morning, good night, have a nice day, fix his food, make his plate, cotinue buying things for him like I always have , and no reciprocity at all zilch nada, just plain indifference.

Its been a couple of months since you posted but just in case you check back in you might want to look into the book Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis and No More Mr. Nice Guy (which can apply to women too) can't remember the author but just do a search its a really popular book and the concept pretty much is about not catering to and being completely dependent on your spouse giving to "get" your needs met from them.Taking care of your self being your own person with your own interest etc.I haven't read all of either one actually just enough to understand the concepts.And with the first book mentioned the idea is similar its self improvement specifically in this book called a 180.Where you start to do specific things the opposite of how you normally would but you tailor it to your specific patterns.But these things should be new behaviors or attitudes that you are doing just to be a better person*including not being a doormat co-dependent* not as a techniche to try and get a certain response out of your spouse or to change them.That can be a byproduct but the end result is you have made these changes for your self.You feel better about your self by building confidence self esteem and integrity not because you depend on your spouse for that.Again a by product of the 'new you " so to speak can be you become more attractive/interesting to your spouse they may be more drawn to you .They will start to respect you possibly because you respect your self.

Just what you quoted above? That would fall into the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" concept.You do this and that for him ..you say this and that and "zero/nilch nada"? Nice "guys" cater to and serve to "get" something back.Ironically your spouse probably knows this and they resent it ,see you as weak and so forth voila you are their doormat.While you resent him because you did this and that and got 'nothing' back .But instead of just not doing that anymore a 'Nice guy" "tries " even harder or does more and more and its a cycle.They feel like you are manipulating them and you resent them because you didn't get the results you wanted out of your effort.Its like when you say 'I love you " because what you really want is for them to say I love you back.

So for example if you put those two concepts together not giving to get and doing the opposite of what your normal patterns are you should stop 'fixing his plate" and stop "buying him things" .Fix your plate if you cooked and leave a plate next to the stove for him to fix his own..Invest the monies you may spend on him on something for your self or put it in savings or donate to a favorite cause of yours etc.Stop saying "good morning" and "good night".Let him say it first for a change and if he doesn't? Oh well at least you wont feel the resentment anymore of that effort.

Also the 180 is for anything you do that maybe you can improve on .Habits and patterns that might even be irritating to your spouse but mainly just to make a positive change.I saw an interesting example (just an example) on the website of the book.A woman had a habit of being not so neat and simply started doing task she hadn't done before like making the bed every morning /and putting her dirty clothes directly in the hamper because she had a long habit of letting them pile up for a few days on a chair in her room before she put them in the hamper.Sounds trivial but it was the "opposite" of how she normally did things and she liked it better that way herself(she enjoyed the new neatness) and her spouse 'noticed".It peaked his curiousity. Changes that simple especially in a long term relationship do get noticed.Especially if those are but a few of your new habits or changes .

Start up a hobby that you have always wanted to try just never took the time to do it.Even something as simple as working on crossword puzzles.If you have never really had a routine excersize habit start taking an evening walk every night after dinner.These are just examples but the idea is YOU change and do it for your self.Go out with your friends and laugh with them stop fretting or obsessing that he is having a jolly old time with his.Get a new hairstyle change up your wardrobe anything different that of course is healthy and not sinful.

All of this is good for any individual.Even if your marriage does not survive.The idea in general is that you are not begging someone to love you through your actions and words you have self respect integrity and you are nobody's doormat.As well as you are an individual work in progress.

Jesus never begged any of us to love Him ,He was nobody's doormat ,and He leads us by example.

 

[dh788]

I cry reading your story, this is how my marriage feels and we have only been married for 5 years but I have never felt happy.. by that I mean I have never felt truly loved, respected, safe, etc. The only reason I stay is because of the vows and because I know he wouldn't cheat on me or leave me, but we spend every moment together in misery. He says he feels miserable, but he acts permanently angry, beyond angry.. truly nasty, spiteful and purposely hurting me, attacking and criticising without fail even if I am crying hysterically he will keep at me with the picking and attacking, he has no boundaries. I have told him what I need and expect over and over, it achieves nothing. My mother was married to my father for 25 years and he never once told her he loved her, she cooked and cleaned and did all the housework and raising of children plus a job on top of that and he couldnt of cared less. He was completely incapable of having a conversation with her about anything meaningful or serious. She would ask do you love me, his response "Im here arent I"... she would say are you having an affair, he would storm off and refuse to talk. I promised myself I would NEVER be in a relationship unless it actually brought something positive to my life, but here I am now trapped in this so called marriage where I have never been happy not even on my wedding day. So to a small degree I understand how you are feeling and it is beyond frustrating and saddening. When you said you can't go around this mountain anymore with him, and that you grasp at straws in the relationship.. thats exactly how I feel. and then I think, what if it's actually possible to be on a ROAD to somewhere with somebody instead of going round and round and round and round crap-mountain. Sorry this isn't advice or anything helpful but just wanted to say that I feel your pain

 

[chooseforgivness]

Thanks for the raw truth puffinstuff, I DO KNOW this, and yet I continued doing the same thing hoping for different results, & yes I Know that is the definition of "insanity", and so.......drum roll please, since last post I have begun doing exactly that, I have to consistently remind myself of this, and correct myself midaction at times, because I have a natural caretaking persona, and bad habits are hard to break. Yet I know that I must take MY TIME now, my biggest challenge has been finding the time & energy. Working 70+ hours and only having 1 day off per week, leaves me with little time other than to attend Church, wash work clothes & towels clothes and eat & sleep, but I am trying to find the courage to have one last battle with him, in insisting he hire someone to do the work that I do in our family business, so that I have time for a life outside of work. I am sure to be blamed, criticized and ridiculed for abandoning our family business, but I get no acknowledgment for all my efforts as it is, so seems to be a reasonable trade off. I truly care about our family business and hoped I could participate in it, but I think that this is one wish I cannot fullfill. So several months ago, I began the journey back to a life of less conflict, I refuse to do or go places & do not want to I refuse to allow him to shout without shouting back, It still feels stupid to me, & I don't keep it going but I defend myself and leave him to his own figure it out.

 

[Annessa3]

only you will know when it's time to end it, sweetie.
I hung around, trying my hardest, praying and loving supportive for 4 years of ...stuff.
During that time, he promised to change, over and over. No follow through. He begged me to be patient with him. Twice when we discussed it, he told me he wanted to remain married (no, I was not bringing up divorce) and he valued and loved me.

the end? I don't know what changed his mind, but he now says he wants a divorce, and I'm not fighting it. In fact, I am happily doing what I have done for 16 years and giving him what he wants.

 

[EugeneKoshanof]

Darling, remember this scripture


1 Don’t worry about the wicked
or envy those who do wrong.
2 For like grass, they soon fade away.
Like spring flowers, they soon wither.

3 Trust in the Lord and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
4 Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.

5 Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.
6 He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.


Honey, walk in love, peace, joy. Be a godly woman in the Lord. Delight yourself in Jesus, and he will give you the desires of your heart. It is all about Jesus, not your husband

PLEASE REMEMBER : ULTIMATELY, YOU SERVE THE LORD, AND YOU REWARD IS FROM HIM​

​