Anyone similar to me?

Sounds like you are feeling very alone. Have you ever considered going to therapy? It may really help in your situation to have someone to talk openly to about your issues in your marriage.

Not a good situation to be in. He seems to be abusive and is not living up to Christian standards in his marriage. Is there a pastor, some older person in the church etc you can talk to? He needs to be challenged to get his Christian life into gear.

Don't be sucked in by a 'submit' solution either. That is not the answer for an abusive, selfish person.

John
NZ

I'm sorry to hear about your parents dying (especially being so recent)...must be really tough *hug*.

I'm not saying you're doing this, but often when a husband feels threatened by his wife he either becomes a dominator or an abdicator...he either controls you by domineering or he gives up completely.

I'm honestly not saying you're doing this, but would it be worth analysing and seeing if there's anything you're doing or have done in the past that could make him feel threatened...either the way you behave, the way you speak to him or about him, or maybe something else, like if you cut him down to size in private or in public, or criticise, or (and most women can do this) run rings around him in an argument so that we make ourselves out to be right all the time. Women can be quick with their tongues, quick to speak sharply, and maybe a man responds by being domineering so that we're scared to argue in the future. Or maybe if a woman makes all the decisions and doesn't let the man take responsibility for anything. I don't know, it's just a suggestion.

I'm not condemning you at all, but definitely think it's worth thinking about to see if there's anything you can change which might be making him feel threatened at present.

Maybe he's not abusive, but just on the defensive but covers it up by being domineering. Have you guys been married long? And has he always been this way???

God bless you.

It does not matter the "reason", being domineering and bullying is abusive behaviour, and cannot be excused.

Women are taught to question their own behaviour to bring understanding to their husband’s abuse. I don’t think that is healthy, and is the reason why so many women remain in abusive relationships and exhibited “battered wife syndrome”.

Nobody deserved to be domineered or bullied.

As previously mentioned, is there somewhere you can go to talk and get professional outside help?

Yeah, what is it with blame-the-woman-itis, the sun don't shine out of mens rear ends ya know, they are responsible for their own actions and reactions.

Emmasmum, you are not at fault for the way your husband behaves, you can not make him behave in any way, he's a grown man, your husbands a bully, you are currently a victim of bullyin, stop being a victim. Is it not said that bullies hate it when their victims stand up for themselves. Instead of getting upset, get angry, how dare he speak to you like that, his wife, the woman he allegedly loves, how dare he treat you with a lack of respect.

Why are some so quick to think the wife in some way is causing her husband to be abusive? Again, I agree with Athene, next time don't get upset get angry because no one has the right to treat you badly and you have every right to demand to be treated with respect. That doesn't mean you have to yell, hit or be abusive towards him but something along the lines "Excuse me, I'm your wife, it's not nice to speak to me life that. or "Could you repeat that in a nicer tone of voice, I can't hear you when you yell." As far as number 2 I can't blame you at all, who would be sexually attracted to someone who treated them like dirt? Just make sure you don't use sex as leverage and that you really don't want to have sex or whatever because he's hurting you not because you want to hurt him. For number 3, praying can be hard, even more so if you really don't feel like praying for a person. Maybe you should try praying for the Lord to give you an open heart also pray for help on how you react to him. While you cannot change how he acts, you have it in your power to change how you do. 4. If you need other people to be around and talk to, get involved at your church, volunteering and taking part in church activites is a great way to meet people, make friends and get out of the house and spend time with other people. It also might give you different ways to spend time with your kids. Invite your husband along, maybe he can see examples of Christian men who don't disrespect their wives and he might see there are other ways of doing things.

All of the above is my situation and i'm interested to hear comments.

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Sounds like a difficult situation.

northstar said:

I'm sorry to hear about your parents dying (especially being so recent)...must be really tough *hug*.

I'm not saying you're doing this, but often when a husband feels threatened by his wife he either becomes a dominator or an abdicator...he either controls you by domineering or he gives up completely.

I'm honestly not saying you're doing this, but would it be worth analysing and seeing if there's anything you're doing or have done in the past that could make him feel threatened...either the way you behave, the way you speak to him or about him, or maybe something else, like if you cut him down to size in private or in public, or criticise, or (and most women can do this) run rings around him in an argument so that we make ourselves out to be right all the time. Women can be quick with their tongues, quick to speak sharply, and maybe a man responds by being domineering so that we're scared to argue in the future. Or maybe if a woman makes all the decisions and doesn't let the man take responsibility for anything. I don't know, it's just a suggestion.

I'm not condemning you at all, but definitely think it's worth thinking about to see if there's anything you can change which might be making him feel threatened at present.

Maybe he's not abusive, but just on the defensive but covers it up by being domineering. Have you guys been married long? And has he always been this way???

God bless you.

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I thought Northstar made some good points.
I was also wondering f you knew he was like this before marrying him. You mentioned that it makes you feel unattracted towards him, which makes me wonder if he used to behave differently? If he became like this after getting married, then I would look for what changed in your relationship, or at his work, or whatever? Does he bully others, or just you?
I hope that all works out. It is sad that you are feeling so down, while having to also deal with the greif of your recent loss.

Are you able at all to discuss with him how you are feeling, and let him tell his side too? I mean, can you both communicate your feelings without attacking eachother and getting defensive, etc.?

If you can not communicate openly with eachother, then you might need outside help.