I posted a few months back about my depression. Since then I've been thinking very long and hard on the issue, and came to a few insights about it, but have some questions.
To explain it all, let me start off by saying what my source of my depression is. It seems that I'm always having trouble controlling the "random" thoughts in my head. By that, I mean thoughts like when you are reading an article, and a phrase or passage will make you think of something else not directly related to what you're reading. That sort of thing. The problem is there are a great deal of these "random thoughts" which seem to be directed against God and religion in general. It has been this way since 14 (I'm 24 now). For a long time I thought I was insane, schizo or hearing voices. However these never took on the form of another voice, or outside voice, and instead seems to just be that I cannot control my own thoughts at times. That's what I posted about previously. With much prayer and thinking long and hard over everything, I've come to realize some things.
The first is that there is a part of me, deep down inside, that is truly angry with God. All of my life, I grew up as pretty much an outsider from everyone else as far as my peers went. I'm not going to give a story of "everyone hated me" which isn't true. There were those who disliked me enough to mock and verbally (and occassionally physically) attack me whenever they got to, but the vast majority of those I grew up with just didn't care about me. I don't mean they just didn't invite me to hang out or whatever, I mean they would literally watch and not do a thing as others put me down, shove me around and essentially make my life in school a living nightmare. Most people would shun me like I was an outsider. This was from at least 2nd grade through my senior. By the end I had more or less became a hermit who would not interact with almost anyone besides the one or two people I felt comfortable around. The worst were the ones I went to Church/Sunday School with. While they would be friendly towards me at Church outside of there I was shunned like an embarressment. I know it sounds like a general angsty, teenager thing I went through but it wasn't, at least for me it wasn't. I do not date, because my childhood was so filled with hateful comments and attacks against me that I literally cannot imagine someone finding me attractive.
I know how weak this must sound for being angry at God, but in all honesty it's only half of it. Around 14 or so I must have subconciously started resenting God for all of this, especially with the way I was treated by my fellow Church-goers, for this is around the time the problems began. Thoughts about "God couldn't exist" and "religion was for the ignorant" popped into my head at the least convienent times. As I had already asked Jesus into my life this was naturally incredibly terrifying and stressful. When I couldn't seem to control it I began to fear that I was going insane. This was when it became a self-consuming snake, because I prayed and prayed to God to "heal me" and to "make the voices or thoughts stop." I prayed the way a man who is afraid of being condemned to hell for things outside his control can pray. Yet nothing seemed to change, but only got worse. It got to the point where I spent a year and a half doing research over the validity of the Bible and Jesus with my free time, because the thoughts constantly challenged my belief in God, Jesus, and the Bible itself. Although a part of me was deeply conformted by what I learned, it never seemed to satisfy that part which sent me searching in the first place. Always that little voice/thought, which I came very slowly to realize was a part of me, would voice doubt and rage, that "God couldn't be real." Eventually I dropped out of college because mentally I was exhausted from this never ending battle, which I realize now only furthered the bitterness I felt/feel towards God for not "fixing me" as I had begged him so many times.
So here I am now. I know what is the cause of it, but unsure of how to solve the problem. I no longer go the Church or Sunday School because my Church had a big split about two years back and my "condition" is obviously worse when someone actually is speaking of God. I don't know who I should turn to, or if I should try and find a therapist for this. If I did, it would have to be someone who was also a Christian and I'm not sure there's even one like that around here. I'm posting this not for pity or even prayers (though I could use them). I was hoping for advice on what I should do. I don't want to be angry with God, but it's such a deep rooted anger I do not know how to get rid of it, and I'm afraid it may not solve everything at this point. I'm sorry to burden all of you with this, and I hope I've not offended anyone with this. I do not want to feel this way, I truly don't. I want to overcome this and get on with my life. I want to be able to go to Church and worship with others, and to be strong in my faith without these thoughts/whatever popping up all the time. I'd like to have a fairly normal life.
To explain it all, let me start off by saying what my source of my depression is. It seems that I'm always having trouble controlling the "random" thoughts in my head. By that, I mean thoughts like when you are reading an article, and a phrase or passage will make you think of something else not directly related to what you're reading. That sort of thing. The problem is there are a great deal of these "random thoughts" which seem to be directed against God and religion in general. It has been this way since 14 (I'm 24 now). For a long time I thought I was insane, schizo or hearing voices. However these never took on the form of another voice, or outside voice, and instead seems to just be that I cannot control my own thoughts at times. That's what I posted about previously. With much prayer and thinking long and hard over everything, I've come to realize some things.
The first is that there is a part of me, deep down inside, that is truly angry with God. All of my life, I grew up as pretty much an outsider from everyone else as far as my peers went. I'm not going to give a story of "everyone hated me" which isn't true. There were those who disliked me enough to mock and verbally (and occassionally physically) attack me whenever they got to, but the vast majority of those I grew up with just didn't care about me. I don't mean they just didn't invite me to hang out or whatever, I mean they would literally watch and not do a thing as others put me down, shove me around and essentially make my life in school a living nightmare. Most people would shun me like I was an outsider. This was from at least 2nd grade through my senior. By the end I had more or less became a hermit who would not interact with almost anyone besides the one or two people I felt comfortable around. The worst were the ones I went to Church/Sunday School with. While they would be friendly towards me at Church outside of there I was shunned like an embarressment. I know it sounds like a general angsty, teenager thing I went through but it wasn't, at least for me it wasn't. I do not date, because my childhood was so filled with hateful comments and attacks against me that I literally cannot imagine someone finding me attractive.
I know how weak this must sound for being angry at God, but in all honesty it's only half of it. Around 14 or so I must have subconciously started resenting God for all of this, especially with the way I was treated by my fellow Church-goers, for this is around the time the problems began. Thoughts about "God couldn't exist" and "religion was for the ignorant" popped into my head at the least convienent times. As I had already asked Jesus into my life this was naturally incredibly terrifying and stressful. When I couldn't seem to control it I began to fear that I was going insane. This was when it became a self-consuming snake, because I prayed and prayed to God to "heal me" and to "make the voices or thoughts stop." I prayed the way a man who is afraid of being condemned to hell for things outside his control can pray. Yet nothing seemed to change, but only got worse. It got to the point where I spent a year and a half doing research over the validity of the Bible and Jesus with my free time, because the thoughts constantly challenged my belief in God, Jesus, and the Bible itself. Although a part of me was deeply conformted by what I learned, it never seemed to satisfy that part which sent me searching in the first place. Always that little voice/thought, which I came very slowly to realize was a part of me, would voice doubt and rage, that "God couldn't be real." Eventually I dropped out of college because mentally I was exhausted from this never ending battle, which I realize now only furthered the bitterness I felt/feel towards God for not "fixing me" as I had begged him so many times.
So here I am now. I know what is the cause of it, but unsure of how to solve the problem. I no longer go the Church or Sunday School because my Church had a big split about two years back and my "condition" is obviously worse when someone actually is speaking of God. I don't know who I should turn to, or if I should try and find a therapist for this. If I did, it would have to be someone who was also a Christian and I'm not sure there's even one like that around here. I'm posting this not for pity or even prayers (though I could use them). I was hoping for advice on what I should do. I don't want to be angry with God, but it's such a deep rooted anger I do not know how to get rid of it, and I'm afraid it may not solve everything at this point. I'm sorry to burden all of you with this, and I hope I've not offended anyone with this. I do not want to feel this way, I truly don't. I want to overcome this and get on with my life. I want to be able to go to Church and worship with others, and to be strong in my faith without these thoughts/whatever popping up all the time. I'd like to have a fairly normal life.
