Any tips for communication / social skills?

[shinysunny]

I would like to know some rules for communication and social interaction. I would like it so much if relationships could all become more spontaneous and fun. Any coping strategies for us Aspies?

- eye contact: I am better at it, still need attention
- body language: I am working on my posture (straighter back, open chest and shoulder, strong core), it makes me more confident and my upper back pain is easing now
- making friends: I have invited a few people for tea, what do I do next....
- develop communication with husband and kids, I love them so much, but have difficulty initiating conversation (unless it is about mundane things like how was school, and day at work and time to go to bed or eat etc.)

I need your help

What do you talk about
what to do and say seems to be the worry for me
I would appreciate any comment, I sometimes feel stuck

I would like to enjoy my family more, myself and friends.

Shinysunny

 

[amberlight]

Goodness, so many things to talk about. Not sure I have good answers to all of them. But I find there are good people in this world who love us even if we're not brilliant at social conversation or eye contact. Those are the true friends. Our job is somehow to tell them that we value their friendship and love, and to be ready to apologise if we get something wrong accidentally, I think. Rather than us have to push ourselves into absolute exhaustion to be perfect replicas of others, it can help hugely if they know how hard we find eye contact, and that we are not sure what to say for conversation. People are willing to help if they know what sort of things really do help, I find.
Learning to take a genuine interest in what others say can be so hard if we don't concentrate on what they're saying. If I look at someone, I literally cannot hear them - my brain won't do both things at once.
What to talk about? Listen to them, ask them about what they just said, rather than rely on talking about us and our own hobbies. If we do talk about us, set a time limit of one minute or thereabouts, then stop and check whether they are still ok for us to keep talking. Some are just too polite to tell us to give them a chance!

 

[elishasdad]

Hi Shiny! I don't have aspergers but I have two little boys that are on the spectrum. I'm not really sure I'll have any good answers but I'll definitely try. I'm not really sure social interactions in the non asd world are much easier these days unfortunately! But here's a couple things I do to make and keep friends.

1. People love to talk about themselves! So with my friends and with new people I ask them questions. Questions about their families, friends, what they're interested in. When I find out what they're interested in I ask them more about that.
2. Listen attentively. When people talk I shut up and hang on their words. I look them in the eye and rejoice with them, mourn with them, empathize with them. Let them know I care. It goes a long way. I'm a pastor and I've been doing this for a long time and I've seen it work time and time again.

It's not much but that's what I have. I hope it helps in some way!

 

[shinysunny]

Thanks so much for your replies! I really appreciate your feedback.

What I learn so far is to put more focus on the other people rather than inward.

I pray that we aspie may learn to communicate better.

Anyone else has tips about how to overcome being awkward socially and even having fun with others and oneself???

 

[carlyle418]

As has been mentioned, this is a tough one. Forgive me if I seem disrespectful, but the advice from elishasdad is much the same as what I've heard many times from pastors (and others) over the years. I confess that it frustrated me greatly each time I heard it, because it seems so simple and still so far beyond my abilities. This is much like someone suggesting to me that it is much easier to lift a bulky object with both hands. While that is certainly true, the advice is useless to me because my left arm is paralyzed. Of course, that doesn't mean I won't be able to lift the object. It just means that I may need a different strategy and perhaps a tool or other assistance.

A large part of the problem is that most of what people are saying is not in their words. I've read research indicating that 70-90 percent of all communication is non-verbal. Aspies tend to be blind to most forms of non-verbal communication. Many are also prone to sensory overload. I'm especially sensitive to visual noise, so I find it very difficult to actually hear someone while looking at them, especially if they are very expressive. I also find it very difficult to show empathy. Of course, not all aspies are the same. The greatest leap forward I've made in this area came from recognizing and accepting my limitations. Understand that this is not the same as giving up on yourself. I don't tell my wife I can't move furniture. I ask her to wait while I get my hand truck.

The best advice I can give is to get to know yourself as well as you can. It is helpful if someone close to you is familiar with Asperger's. It is even better if that person is an NT. That person can observe you and help you understand where you are weak. You can then determine strategies that work for you or if a particular weakness is simply something you need to accept. A professional counselor may also be helpful, but he/she will probably not be able to observe you in real situations often.

The second best advice I can give you is to try to connect with others that share your interests and try to develop common interests with those close to you. Like most aspies, I am intensely interested in certain things. I find that I am most comfortable in social situations related to my interests. For me, that includes motorcycling, so I joined a motorcycle ministry...and somehow ended up being elected president of it. Of course, my daughter is 3, so I've had to develop other interests to connect with her. It hasn't been easy, but it has paid off.

I hope this is helpful.

 

[MoeSzyslak]

People have told me that when someone is verbally talking to you that you should try to think of a follow-up question or two to whatever they are talking about (even if you have no interest in the subject.) But then again I don't know. I've tried it and its never worked for me.

The best advice I can give is to get to know yourself as well as you can

For me, part of knowing myself is accepting that I will not connect to people in this lifetime. 40 years of failed attempts have made it pretty obvious to me. ANd ya know what, life has been less stressful since I've come to this realization.

 

[carlyle418]

People have told me that when someone is verbally talking to you that you should try to think of a follow-up question or two to whatever they are talking about (even if you have no interest in the subject.) But then again I don't know. I've tried it and its never worked for me.

That's never really worked for me, either, Moe. I actually thought for a long time that I would have to give up on ever connecting with anyone in this life. Something inside me just won't let me give up, though.

A few years ago, as I was shutting down the sound equipment, a new pastor (fresh out of Bible college and new to the church, though he had heard a little about me from others he had talked to) approached me and said, "I guess I have to talk to you about computers, since that's all we have in common." I asked if he was sure about that, but he ignored my question. He talked for a few moments about how cool Macs are (I had my Mac in the sound booth) and he mentioned that he was glad he didn't have the problems the assistant pastor complained about with his PC. The conversation ended abruptly when I told him I built the assistant pastor's computer.

Here's what I learned from that encounter...
1. He couldn't really read me any better than I can read him or anyone else.
2. No one that he had talked to really knew much about me, even though it was a very small church.
3. I can be a pretty intimidating guy to talk to in some situations.

Later, I joined a motorcycle ministry. Like many bikers, I wear a vest with a number of patches on it. A biker's vest can tell you a lot about him, so I made a point of including some patches that say funny or interesting things about me, like "God's Misfit," "I served my country," and "United States Navy." I even put one on it that says, "These ARE my church clothes!" and I wear the vest whenever I ride, even to church.

I've noticed that, when I wear the vest, people often come talk to me. They usually ask about the motorcycle ministry I'm in or about one of my patches. The nice thing about it is that I don't have to start the conversation and the conversation always starts with something I'm interested in.

Granted, this doesn't solve all my communication problems, and not everyone wears a leather vest, but I wonder what might happen if you wore something that stands out and give others some idea of your interests. The way I see it, we're really different from the average Joe anyway, so why should we dress like him?