Angry and lonely!

[The4Rs]

I get so tired of people who paint ugly pictures of those who have BPD. They talk about us like we are monsters and have absolutely no compassion on us.

I didn't choose to have BPD. When I was trying to survive my childhood I didn't say "hey, let's think another way so I can have years of therapy when I get older!". I really get angry when people say it is not an "illness"! It is an illness! Definition of Illness: Unhealthy condition! This illness was forced on me when my life was stolen all those years ago.

I am so angry today b/c it seems like no one in my church besides my pastor has any compassion on me and what I am going through. When people do bother to go look up what BPD is they read all those horrible books that tell them how wretched we are. Churches slap on the "walking wounded" label and they all run from them. Where is the love and compassion of Jesus? Why can't they just go "I don't understand what you are going through but I love you and will be here for whatever you need". My own husband has run from me and writes me off as a "girl messed up in the head".

I am so sad and lonely! I need help reading the bible. I get so anxiety ridden over some of the verses and I am so frustrated. Why do they treat me like a monster????

Sorry, I needed to vent! I really don't need anymore lectures that "this is a learned behavior and YOU have to get this done NOW!" I need some help that says "hey, I know you have a long road to travel but your not alone it does get better!".

ugh.....

 

[madison1101]

My therapist, and personal research, taught me that BPD is not a mental illness like bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia, in that it is not caused by chemistry in the brain, or bad wiring in our brain. It is a pattern of behavior. Maladaptive, and chronic, but learned and can be unlearned. Deeply ingrained, but can be unlearned.

I am not a victim of an illness. I was a victim of trauma and sexual abuse, but what I learned to cope in my childhood and adolescence must be unlearned, because I hurt my ex-husband and children terribly with chosen behaviors.

The books that were written for family members of people with borderline personality are accurate in how they describe the personality disorder. They are honest, frank, and well researched and well written. I recommend them to family members of people, as well as my friends and family, so they can understand what happened.

Because the patterns were learned, I was able to unlearn them. It took many years of psychotherapy and many attempts at trial and error, but I have been successful in not throwing fits, not being self-destructive, not hurting people with my anger. In fact, I have not had uncontrolled anger in years.

If you are upset about the way people are treating you, maybe you need to discuss this with your therapist, and psychiatrist. If you have neither, maybe you should look into therapy and have a psychiatric evaluation done. Most people with BPD do well with medication. It has been a tremendous help to me in helping me cope as I learned new ways of behaving and relating to people.

I no longer see myself as a victim of others' reactions to me. I self-examine my behavior constantly, and monitor my words and actions diligently. My therapist has no mercy on me if I act inappropriately. I do not blame my husband for leaving me. He endured 25 years of horrible abuse because I was out of control. I am amazed that my children want to have anything to do with me because of my horrible behavior when they were growing up. I am grateful that both my children and my ex are willing to relate to me in a healthy, mature way now, as I have stopped behaving like a child throwing tantrums and now take responsibility for what I say and do.

I once felt as you do, and now see that I needed to change, not the people around me.

 

[The4Rs]

I was leary of writing because I already know your stance on BPD and I knew you would reply. I don't agree with you on the illness and you can call it what you want. But as for me, I call it an illness. I am in therapy and he agrees that it is an illness. So let's just say you can have your stand and I am taking mine and if you don't agree then please don't respond on my posts.
Thanks!

 

[The4Rs]

Further more, The whole point of my post was to vent and to express that regardless of my diagnosis not many people have compassion for BPD people. Even Christians. Most people have a hard time looking beyond the list of symptoms to see the person beneath it. Not many people are willing to stick it out with a BPD or are even willing to learn about the illness.

Sometimes we need to look beyond the list of symptoms and therapy and look at the individual and have a little compassion what happened to make them so messed up. Not pity but true Jesus like love and compassion.

 

[BridgetsMom]

I do not know much about BPD, just the stereotypes that I've run across on the Internet, but I could not read your post without reaching out to you in empathy. It is hard to struggle and feel stigmatized and alone rather than supported. Christ has unconditional love for you. I hope that you find many Christians along the way who reflect that endless love towards you in ways large and small. Be well.

 

[madison1101]

I totally understand the need to vent, and am glad you felt safe in venting here. I apologize for not realizing that was your intent. I remember feeling stigmatized and hating that lonely feeling. The symptoms are the type that people would want to avoid us when they are out there for all to see.

There are differing opinions on the illness factor of BPD. My experience and research in grad school shows one theory. My experience as a therapist myself has also supported my thesis. But, I see that your intent was to vent, and not discuss the theoretical side of BPD.

Christians are not immune from stigmatizing BPD, as well as other mental disorders. I recently was hospitalized for my bipolar disorder and alcoholism, and was blessed by friends at church that do not judge.

What helped me best was to have an older, mature Christian who helped me by not judging me. She guided me in my walk with the Lord and helped me change my behaviors one day at a time.

There is hope. It took me a very long time, but change is possible and I have dear friends now that I am blessed with.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[The4Rs]

Trish, I read a lot of what you post and I think you help a lot of people here. I really believe God wants people to have a compassion for the mentally ill and to support them whether you understand them or not. It just make me sad that most people can not look beyond symptoms and harshly written books that make Border's sound so cruel. Most are not and those that are probably don't have a realization of what they are doing.

I just get tired of running into people who don't look beyond my flaws and ask "who are u and what can I do to help?"

God Bless Trish!

BridgetsMom,

Thank you for your kind words!
God Bless!

 

[madison1101]

Trish, I read a lot of what you post and I think you help a lot of people here. I really believe God wants people to have a compassion for the mentally ill and to support them whether you understand them or not. It just make me sad that most people can not look beyond symptoms and harshly written books that make Border's sound so cruel. Most are not and those that are probably don't have a realization of what they are doing.

I just get tired of running into people who don't look beyond my flaws and ask "who are u and what can I do to help?"

God Bless Trish!

BridgetsMom,

Thank you for your kind words!
God Bless!

I understand that need to be understood. I only had my therapist, who can be a toughie, and my dear friend who discipled me, who treated me as if they understand. I had to make radical changes before restoring relationships with friends and family.

I hope you are seeking a relationship with one woman who you can trust to guide you in your walk with the Lord. God will heal you, and bring you to a place where you can help others.

God bless.
Trish