Anger Issues Regarding Sexual Abuse

[Moriah Ruth 777]

I am sharing this because I'm to the point that I want to give up. The main issue is sexual abuse.

There were also other abuses by my parents at a very young age. It all ended when I was 19 yrs old. I couldn't take anymore and had went for help. I told the people that I went to, that if they sent me back home that I would die. Maybe not by my parents own hands but by my own hands. However I wanted to live. I wanted to be free. I was free physically from there on but I was in emotional, psychological and spiritual bondage. God has made a way for me be free in a lot of areas. However with this sexual abuse it just wants me to stop completely.

I hate everything about sex and with my husband. Everything about it sickens me. I hate talking about this but I want freedom also. Whenever the Lord has put a book or situation in front of me to face it, I go for maybe a step and than I just completely shut down. I push it away like it is something foreign to me.

The last time that I was intimate with my husband was 5-6 yrs ago. Yes, we are still married. However that last time I was not feeling comfortable and I was crying while my husband was being intimate with me. He did not even show any concern. I vowed that day that I would not have sex with him ever again or be used like that ever. It brought the past sexual abuse back.

And yet I know that I need to deal with it. It has gotten to the point that I am looking elsewhere for love and affection. Last summer I almost had sexual relations with a Muslim man. We did not have intercourse but came close to it. I broke it off because I knew in my heart that I was doing wrong.

I love my husband, however he thinks that I should just give it all up just like that. That I should get over it just like that. He tries to get me to do it his way with no regards to how I feel or am going through.

Several years ago he had given me a book that was dealing with spouses who had a spouse that had went through the abuse. He wanted me to read it. I couldn't get through it. But he read it and yet he never did one thing that was in that book.

Right now as I type this I can feel so much anger at the surface with my husband and those who had sexaully abused me.

I have forgiven my brother for the sexual abuse, as he has asked me to forgive him for what he had put me through. His wife does know about the situation between him and I.

My anger is more towards why am I still going through this and why did I have to go through it in the first place. My anger also is toward myself because I am not like everyone else. Or that I can't enjoy one intimate moment with my husband. I just want to forget it all. But I know that is not the answer.

I have guilt and shame written all over me and in my heart. I look for help and there is none. There is no deliverance ministry here in the city. I would have to travel far if I wanted to. I do not have the finances to even get proper couselling. This hurts me that I am like this. And I don't want to be. My heart is screaming for help.

And yes, God is there but again I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself and what has happened to me. And guilty of going behind my husband's back with the Muslim man even though there was no intercourse between us.

Should God love me enough to let me go through all of this?

Moriah Ruth

 

[Colleen1]

I am sharing this because I'm to the point that I want to give up. The main issue is sexual abuse.

It's hard to know what to say because abuse can be so devastating. So unfortunate, that abusers chose to abuse. It can seem like we are happy for a bit and getting on and then all of a sudden things hit again and stick to us like glue. The shame isn't ours to carry but abuse can cut to the core.

There were also other abuses by my parents at a very young age. It all ended when I was 19 yrs old. I couldn't take anymore and had went for help. I told the people that I went to, that if they sent me back home that I would die. Maybe not by my parents own hands but by my own hands. However I wanted to live. I wanted to be free. I was free physically from there on but I was in emotional, psychological and spiritual bondage. God has made a way for me be free in a lot of areas. However with this sexual abuse it just wants me to stop completely.

I find it encouraging to remember the times I have felt God's grace, peace and leading. Remembering those times, helps during the times when I feel emotionally isolated and I don't feel very secure. I find just having quiet times where I just lay there and be with God in prayer but not saying anything....just feeling what I'm feeling and thinking whatever I need to and it can be hard to trust but when I do I find that 'still small voice' of God's and it brings me peace and healing. It can be difficult to just let go and trust even God at times.

I hate everything about sex and with my husband. Everything about it sickens me. I hate talking about this but I want freedom also. Whenever the Lord has put a book or situation in front of me to face it, I go for maybe a step and than I just completely shut down. I push it away like it is something foreign to me.

I think it can be so helpful during those times and to regularly have support we can go to like counseling. Someone we can talk openly to who understands. If we can voice out loud what is going on inside us it can help keep the shame and pain from having control over us. I think breaking the silence and voicing what we feel with God and a very understanding counselor is like lifting the lid of a pot that is about to explode from steam build up. I think we need fellowship / support near us in order to heal. This is a process and I am a believer of miracles but speaking realistically...healing is a process.

The last time that I was intimate with my husband was 5-6 yrs ago. Yes, we are still married. However that last time I was not feeling comfortable and I was crying while my husband was being intimate with me. He did not even show any concern. I vowed that day that I would not have sex with him ever again or be used like that ever. It brought the past sexual abuse back.

It's difficult when things like that happen because it's like our control is taken away from us all over again and it is then hard to trust. I find if I'm struggling with something so very overwhelming, it helps to think of things in very small steps / parts.

And yet I know that I need to deal with it. It has gotten to the point that I am looking elsewhere for love and affection. Last summer I almost had sexual relations with a Muslim man. We did not have intercourse but came close to it. I broke it off because I knew in my heart that I was doing wrong.

I think that can happen in a marriage when things (communication, trust, etc) break down. I think it's almost like it's easier to open up to a stranger because there is no expectation and what do we have to lose if things fail... our heart isn't overly involved etc....Just some thoughts. It's great you were able to say no and do what was healthy for yourself in that situation. I think you can look at it in that saying "no" was healthy and progress. You actually said "no". So many of us can have a hard time saying no and taking care of ourselves that way even in the little things. It's such a simple 2 letter word that for some of us can be the hardest thing to say at times. "no" = I think it shows we value ourselves.

I love my husband, however he thinks that I should just give it all up just like that. That I should get over it just like that. He tries to get me to do it his way with no regards to how I feel or am going through.

I understand what you are explaining. It is so difficult to be in that position. To not feel heard or valued...to feel like we are expected to hand over control to someone again...no questions asked. I think counseling with a very understanding person would be beneficial so that your in a safe place where the two of you can talk truthfully and 'fairly'.

Several years ago he had given me a book that was dealing with spouses who had a spouse that had went through the abuse. He wanted me to read it. I couldn't get through it. But he read it and yet he never did one thing that was in that book.

I think I understand what you may be saying here.... In my experience, when there are problems in families / relationships there can be this idea it's all the other person's fault. Two people are in the relationship and both need to work and heal. It's never just one person that needs to be 'fixed'. From my perspective it felt at times as though...it was like someone saying if only you'd fix yourself we wouldn't have these problems...but that's not truthful...it takes 2. Both need to be willing to work and heal and see where they may need help. Such an uncomfortable situation and I've found it frustrating. I just think it's so important that we be in a place where we can talk safely and fairly.

Right now as I type this I can feel so much anger at the surface with my husband and those who had sexaully abused me.

I have forgiven my brother for the sexual abuse, as he has asked me to forgive him for what he had put me through. His wife does know about the situation between him and I.

My anger is more towards why am I still going through this and why did I have to go through it in the first place. My anger also is toward myself because I am not like everyone else. Or that I can't enjoy one intimate moment with my husband. I just want to forget it all. But I know that is not the answer.

I have guilt and shame written all over me and in my heart. I look for help and there is none. There is no deliverance ministry here in the city. I would have to travel far if I wanted to. I do not have the finances to even get proper couselling. This hurts me that I am like this. And I don't want to be. My heart is screaming for help.

And yes, God is there but again I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself and what has happened to me. And guilty of going behind my husband's back with the Muslim man even though there was no intercourse between us.

Yes, there can be so much anger and so many questions. For me I would get tired of feeling hurt so I would float to anger. I finally got smart and realized that anger is just an emotion and when dealt with properly it could be beneficial and help me be productive and motivate me. It's a motivator but hopefully not to lash out but to rein it in and be motivated to work towards health instead and to do productive things to get to a better place. Whether that is personal growth / read a book on anger / learn / write a letter to a politician regarding abuse awareness / write a letter to an agency explaining a crack in the system and the need for counseling / talking to the police to deal with thing in that way / etc.....

Forgiveness it good and I think it too is a process. We can feel okay one day and then we have to let things go all over again. I've found it frustrating at times that there was no one I could direct my anger toward or say, "you hurt me" so I would turn it in toward myself. Not healthy but I needed help understanding anger because I was never allowed to be angry or express anger...it was a sin for me but perfectly okay for others in the family to experience...ironically. I had to relearn so much about anger. During the times when I felt so isolated because no one seemed to understand or validate...I reached out to things like books that I could relate to and Moody radio....some good Christian talk radio on women's issues. To hear and know that someone else expressed so much of what I was feeling and thinking was so comforting, validating and helped me feel less isolated. It kept me from doubting what I knew to be true...that abuse wasn't right and what I experienced really was abuse and I was NOT the crazy one for thinking so...oh what manipulation people can throw at us. Good Christian people bringing the word of God to light was so what I needed....instead of these false notions that feelings are wrong...etc.

“Therefore I will not keep silent;
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.

Job 7:11

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Should God love me enough to let me go through all of this?

Moriah Ruth

Wow, the question of many life times. In regards to my life, I've found the answer to that question to be that God has given us freewill...everyone of us. Some of us have made very hurtful, destructive, selfish decisions. I've made bad choices, my abusers have made terribly destructive and devastating choices, we all have made bad choices. Having said that it in NO way justifies abuse. Abuse is wrong. I know I have been blessed in that I know there have been times when I'm sure God has directly intervened and has saved me from even more horrible things. There have been and still are times when I wish He would have saved me from more. As time has gone by, I have better understood God's plan and why He has allowed certain things...and there are still those things I just don't know why I have to go through them....or continue to do so. It seems like such evil but we are living in a fallen world and it stinks. But, one thing I do know, is that He does have a plan. Whether I see it all now or later... He is working for my good eternally. Whatever happens to this body now..... God is helping me protect my soul...my real future. He has given gifts that I can use to help me take steps to heal and help others....he has placed good people in my life.... Just as it was hard for the people of Jesus day to understand God's salvation plan & the pain Jesus went through, I think it can be hard for us to fully understand the plan He has for our lives. However, I do feel blessed when He does reveal things more and then I don't feel so alone and in the dark. When He gives me a glimpse of His plan I can see there is some sort of path in front of me.

 

[Moriah Ruth 777]

Thank you Colleen for your encouragement. I will read in more detail when I get the chance. Right now I have to get ready for work. Blessings to you.

Moriah Ruth

 

[Colleen1]

Thank you Colleen for your encouragement. I will read in more detail when I get the chance. Right now I have to get ready for work. Blessings to you.

Moriah Ruth

Okay, hang in there. God does love you. You are valuable.

 

[Moriah Ruth 777]

Father God, this is what I desire in a godly Christian mentor, preferably female.
1. Loves God with all of her heart, soul and mind.
2. Hears God’s voice.
3. Obeys God.
4. Has the gift of discerning of spirits.
5. Is a prayer warrior.
6. One who is not judgemental or critical.
7. Keeps things confidential.
8. Does not gossip, backstab or slander.
9. Has been through the same abuse and struggles.
10. Has overcome many hurts and struggles.
11. Has strong emotions and strong in spirit and walk with God.
12. Loves the Lord Jesus Christ and claims the deity of Jesus Christ as God who came in the flesh and the blood of Jesus.
13. One who stands firm on the word of God.
14. Who is patient and understanding.
15. Listen’s with her heart.
16. Who will listen instead of cramming her own thoughts or beliefs.
17. One who does not quote verses without the leading of the Holy Spirit.
18. Has godly wisdom
19. Will accept me for who I am.
20. Who is herself and loves to have fun.
21. Who can cry with me, laugh with me.
22. Who can affirm me and validate me.
23. Who I can call and talk to, pray with, go out for coffee with.
24. Who will call me and ask if I am okay and pray when necessary.
25. One who is around my age or older.
26. Has the Father’s heart and compassion.
27. Who is positive.
28. Who is not a people pleaser but a God pleaser.
29. Has a pure heart before God.
30. One who has been delivered from bondage, deception, manipulation, control, witchcraft, Satanism, cults and false teachings and Satan’s lies.
31. Has a quiet nature and quiet spirit.
32. It doesn’t matter what skin color she is.
Father God, I ask that the mentor that you send my way is the one that you choose. Not one that I choose, but the one that you have purposed to be in my life. I ask that she would know that you have called her to be my mentor. I ask that she would come to me first instead of me going to her. May you put it within her heart to help me. May she also be from this area where I live.
How will I know if it is her Father? Please show me a sign. Maybe she can approach me first. But if she approaches me first how will I know if it is her or not?
I desire to be free of my past, all the hurt, anger, shame and guilt. I cannot hold unto this any longer. My biggest is the sexual abuse. I really don’t want to go down that path, but I desire my freedom from this bondage. I also desire to be whatever you have purposed for me to be, for you have called me. You created me in your image. You love me with an everlasting love. You desire to show me your grace and mercy. May I be free to receive all that you have for me.
Break every bondage that holds me back from doing what you have called me to be. Raise me up to be that leader, godly leader. May I lead in godly wisdom and in love, your love. May I see and sense your love for me.
Father God I ask that you forgive me of all sin that I have committed against you. Forgive me for making foolish vows before you and for breaking each one. Forgive me for making vows that would put a curse upon myself and my marriage. I ask that you would forgive me for making a vow that I would never have sex with my husband again. I break this vow and I break the curse that I have brought upon myself and my marriage in Jesus Christ’s name. It is under the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. Your blood Jesus, that heals, protects us and breaks every bondage and curse.
I give all my past to you. I surrender everything to you. I surrender myself to you. I surrender all my hurt to you. I submit to you and to your holiness. I submit myself under your love, grace, mercy and forgiveness. I accept you totally into my life. I surrender all my shame and guilt to you. I allow you to open doors for my healing.
I surrender my vulnerability to you. You know my weakness. I give my all to you. I know that there will be struggles. That Satan will throw things my way to get me to stay in bondage. But with your help Father God I will fight this even to my death. May my heart be made pure and righteous before you.
You know my heart. Fill my heart with your love and warmth. I know that you stated in your word that you will never leave me nor forsake me. Your love is deeper than a mother’s love, a father’s love or anyone’s love. You have also adopted me as your daughter. I am your princess, you are my Father the King. You reign in my heart.
I love you Father God with my whole being. Even though I may not show it at times, but I truly desire you. May you keep me ever close to your heart. May I find my rest in you. Teach me how to rest in you. May your Holy Spirit lead me, guide and direct me in your healing for me. Show me what books to read. What chapters to read in the bible or what to study. Lead me to where you desire my healing. You know that I love music. May you give me the songs that I need for that moment.
For I ask all these things in Jesus Christ’s name. I give you honor, praise and glory. It is all about you Lord.

 

[Colleen1]

I'm praying for you.

 

[Moriah Ruth 777]

Thank you Colleen

Moriah Ruth

 

[Johnnz]

Anger, guilt, shame defilement, confusion are common accompaniments of sexual abuse. If the abused person sees some self involvement, however misguided that is in reality, those feelings become greatly amplified too.

If sexual abuse began quite early then there is no bass for development of normal sexuality. Thus, anything sexual post abuse gets associated with past experiences resulting in a distaste for sex in general. That doe snot fit in well with marriage.

John
NZ

 

[Colleen1]

Just as it was hard for the people of Jesus day to understand God's salvation plan & the pain Jesus went through, I think it can be hard for us to fully understand the plan He has for our lives. However, I do feel blessed when He does reveal things more and then I don't feel so alone and in the dark. When He gives me a glimpse of His plan I can see there is some sort of path in front of me.

Ever since I typed this, I've been thinking about it a lot. I've been exhausted and rather busy with a fair bit of stress this week and it's easier for frustration and ..yes anger to come up. Well, God has made many crooked roads straight today and has reminded me He intervenes on our behalf if we seek His will. I guess I'm trying to say that I got glimpses of His plan today and I can better see the path in front of me. I feel very blessed to have had this happen to me today and just thought I'd share. Thanks for starting this thread.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Deuteronomy 31:8

 

[Moriah Ruth 777]

Thank you Colleen for sharing that.

Moriah Ruth

 

[Colleen1]

Thank you Colleen for sharing that.

Moriah Ruth

Praying for you.

 

[GodsHolyThunder]

In all things, you must look to the roots of the issues that hold you back to having a intimate relationship with your husband. Your heart has been through much devastating pain. The struggles you have with your husband are a symptom of a underlying cause that's been affecting your heart for a very very long time. Pray that Jesus reveals the condition of your heart to you and pray that He will heal it. Jesus says in the word that without him we can do nothing.

John 15:5 I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.

Your Heavenly Father has made Jesus the source and supplier of all good things so through Him you will bear much fruit. Look to him to overcome and be healed of your pain and to restore your heart.

in faith and confidence, lay down your pains and burdens to Jesus and call upon Him daily for help, draw near to him for He cares for you.

1 peter 5:6-7 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, 7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

Jesus wants to restore your soul , He wants you to enjoy life with Him and live a blessed marriage with your husband. Jesus wants only the best for you and you can have it. Have faith sister He hears your cries.

Psalm 34:15-22
15 The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
And His ears are open to their cry.
16 The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.

19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the Lord delivers him out of them all.
20 He guards all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
21 Evil shall slay the wicked,
And those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.
22 The Lord redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned.


God bless you

 

[Moriah Ruth 777]

Thank you GodsHolyThunder.

I was not expecting to read this however it is an encouragement to me. And you are right. I know that there are root causes, it is just finding them or knowing what they are.

Moriah Ruth

 

[Johnnz]

Anger often based in fear, hatred, powerlessness and a sense of being unjustly 'contaminated' are common outcomes of sexual abuse.

John
NZ

 

[Moriah Ruth 777]

JohnNZ,

You are right.

Moriah Ruth

 

[Colleen1]

Praying for you Moriah.

 

[Johnnz]

JohnNZ,

You are right.

Moriah Ruth

Hi,

The roots of what is going on deeper within you will reside in those areas. Each needs to be worked through with Jesus, step by step. They won't just 'go away'.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[EstherStar]

So unfortunate, that abusers chose to abuse. It can seem like we are happy for a bit and getting on and then all of a sudden things hit again and stick to us like glue. The shame isn't ours to carry but abuse can cut to the core.

.

This.^ The anger comes up in bouts for me.. Like healing bit by bit. I don't think i could have handled the pain and anger in one dose.

It can cut to the core and there is so much confusion and bewilderment . But God will heal you! Don't let your pain become a tool for the enemy.

My abuse is still quite fresh but each day i get stronger and find more healing and forgiveness and i pray you will too.